Potential continuation of this conversation could go something like this:
Where’s the like button on here
I like that one!! My Mom was explaining to me how to properly dust a table 45 years after I had learned to do it by myself! She also was still telling me how to use a toaster, drive a car, open an envelope and make a bed when I was 62 years old!! Never quit until the day she died. Bless her soul, she’s probably still telling me how to do things, wherever she may be!
Definitely!
I do get what you’re saying. Of course, the problem with reasonable people is that they’re in short supply. I do wish I could ban the whole “experience” line though - I haven’t come up with a good response to it yet.
Maybe try reassuring her feelings.
The trouble I’ve had there is that this sort of thing just makes her feel like I’m blowing her off. She doesn’t see how I’m handling things (often even after I’m not sure how else to explain it), so she doesn’t think they’re under control. And my assuring her they are just makes her feel like I’m set in my ways and don’t care what she says or what she’s worried about.
That’s actually part of the problem right now. She…blames the immediate department for many things in my situation, and does not understand why I don’t push harder against them. It is not their fault - some of the problems just were, and some came from higher up in the bureaucracy. In any case trying to demand more would only hurt me, and they aren’t the ones who have the actual power to change what would have helped. But she does not seem to get that; she thinks I’m just being too scared to stand up for myself. I think when she went to grad school her individual department had more power than mine does here.
More to the point, from as best as I can tell the situation the immediate department isn’t the one in control of the issues here. There has been a definite “keep up or get out” attitude that doesn’t make allowance for health or other problems. But it’s not coming from my immediate department - it’s coming from the people higher up who control and make rules about the funding, and make it impossible for the department to make many allowances. And there’s not a whole lot I can do directly against them. There are ways but the trouble and risk (including the potential career risks if a case becomes too public) are very high.
It’s been reduced, at least. It was over the department’s wishes, actually - our chair didn’t want to see students with legitimate medical issues cut off, especially not in a case where proper treatment could get someone back to work. They really worked quite hard to get me even that reduced level. The top-level office that controls funding for all graduate students said I couldn’t have more, and they’re the ones in charge of what money our department can use for that purpose. My department would have given it back happily if they’d been allowed.
I get it, it’s just…it’s really frustrating in this case because I don’t think she’s doing things intentionally. She’s always had some issues with memory. Add to that, we both talk very differently. She often feels that it’s hard to get the whole story out of me, or that I leave out important things. I feel like when she talks she includes more information than I know what to do with at one time and I can’t figure out how most of it matters. I’ve brought it up and she tells me I shouldn’t leave out so much - but I don’t know what I’m leaving out, and she has no idea how to explain it to me.