"You're not listening to me"

[Xantippe]

DarkLight said:

“I got a part-time job at the local Catholic school to help with living expenses, and I still managed to get tuition arranged so I could finish without having to pay more. I might bring stuff up later with our union (the “we can’t find anyone to handle disability accommodations for graduate assistants” was rather spectacular), but the department is definitely not to blame in this case.”

That’s all very good, including the plan to talk to the union.

There are often odd gaps in university policies.

It’s not relevant to you, but I wonder if your college has appropriate accommodations for pregnant grad students and new parents.

 

[DarkLight]

DarkLight said:

“I got a part-time job at the local Catholic school to help with living expenses, and I still managed to get tuition arranged so I could finish without having to pay more. I might bring stuff up later with our union (the “we can’t find anyone to handle disability accommodations for graduate assistants” was rather spectacular), but the department is definitely not to blame in this case.”

That’s all very good, including the plan to talk to the union.

There are often odd gaps in university policies.

It’s not relevant to you, but I wonder if your college has appropriate accommodations for pregnant grad students and new parents.

I’m not sure. It looks like part of the problem is also hiding policies in places no one can actually find them. One form on a web page that doesn’t show up unless you get the exact right keywords does not a useful policy make, especially if no one other than a few top officials know about it. But of course they can say they have a policy then.

 

[Xantippe]

DarkLight said:

“One form on a web page that doesn’t show up unless you get the exact right keywords does not a useful policy make, especially if no one other than a few top officials know about it. But of course they can say they have a policy then.”

!!!

Wow, that’s pretty Kafkaesque.

 

[DarkLight]

It is hard too, I think, because she wants me to be in a stable “responsible” situation. She doesn’t like seeing me make decisions that have a decent chance of causing more problems down the road. Trouble is, with health like mine, those might be the only decisions available. When I took time off work and school, she was very upset and afraid that I might be derailing my education permanently. And it was a real risk, and one that I acknowledged - but the other option was to keep pushing with untreated bad health. I still deal with those risks, that’s just how life is sometimes.

 

[rayne89]

It is hard too, I think, because she wants me to be in a stable “responsible” situation. She doesn’t like seeing me make decisions that have a decent chance of causing more problems down the road. Trouble is, with health like mine, those might be the only decisions available. When I took time off work and school, she was very upset and afraid that I might be derailing my education permanently. And it was a real risk, and one that I acknowledged - but the other option was to keep pushing with untreated bad health. I still deal with those risks, that’s just how life is sometimes.

The fact that your mom pushes your education over your well being concerns me. I am mom with a daughter in college, her health comes first. What the heck would you do with a degree if your health is so poor you can’t even use it? That just doesn’t make sense to me. DarkLight I know you want to make your mom understand, but every suggestion that been given you you say would make her feel like you were blowing her off, or not taking her seriously etc.
I think you have to face the fact that only persons point of view she finds valid is her own -and she is simple not able to take your view into account. You are very worried about her feelings, her worries, her concerns but I don’t see her doing the same for you. Its time to do whats right for you. Your mom will survive it, don’t worry.

 

[Sereta]

The trouble I’ve had there is that this sort of thing just makes her feel like I’m blowing her off. She doesn’t see how I’m handling things (often even after I’m not sure how else to explain it), so she doesn’t think they’re under control. And my assuring her they are just makes her feel like I’m set in my ways and don’t care what she says or what she’s worried about.

The tone of voice needs to be right too,like a genuine comforting affirmation of her feelings if she’s displaying panic or worry.
If that’s not enough,then maybe give her an example of how you’ve solved a problem in the past effectively.

If your tone of voice is just like “don’t worry mum” then it might seem to her that your just blowing her off.

This should work if she is an overly worrier/anxious type mum.
However if her statements arn’t coming from a place of worry/emotion/fear/panic and she is just more the overbearing,bossy type then it might not work.

Does your mum have any hobbies etc?
How does she respond if you question her decisions in a similar manner?

 

[ClearWater]

Where’s the like button on here

It’s right here!

 

[DarkLight]

The tone of voice needs to be right too,like a genuine comforting affirmation of her feelings if she’s displaying panic or worry.
If that’s not enough,then maybe give her an example of how you’ve solved a problem in the past effectively.

If your tone of voice is just like “don’t worry mum” then it might seem to her that your just blowing her off.

This should work if she is an overly worrier/anxious type mum.
However if her statements arn’t coming from a place of worry/emotion/fear/panic and she is just more the overbearing,bossy type then it might not work.

Does your mum have any hobbies etc?
How does she respond if you question her decisions in a similar manner?

It’s some mix of the two, I think. I get the feeling that she doesn’t fully believe I’m an adult capable of taking care of myself. And my health problems admittedly don’t help with that situation - especially when it’s so easy to lay other things at the feet of mental illness. She doesn’t generally trust my decisions, so when she sees me making a decision she often seems to think I’m making decisions out of stubbornness or out of my own problems.

I’ve pushed on that before and she seemed to sort of admit that wasn’t right, when I pointed out how quick she was to ascribe my actions to immaturity. She still goes to “don’t talk back to me!” a lot though, which is really unhelpful and makes an adult conversation impossible.

 

[oneofmany]

It’s some mix of the two, I think. I get the feeling that she doesn’t fully believe I’m an adult capable of taking care of myself. And my health problems admittedly don’t help with that situation - especially when it’s so easy to lay other things at the feet of mental illness. She doesn’t generally trust my decisions, so when she sees me making a decision she often seems to think I’m making decisions out of stubbornness or out of my own problems.

I’ve pushed on that before and she seemed to sort of admit that wasn’t right, when I pointed out how quick she was to ascribe my actions to immaturity. She still goes to “don’t talk back to me!” a lot though, which is really unhelpful and makes an adult conversation impossible.

And that is exactly what I would tell her. Does she always need to be agreed with or she won’t talk to you? That is totally unfair and you need to tell her----in a nice way though.

 

[DarkLight]

oneofmany:
And that is exactly what I would tell her. Does she always need to be agreed with or she won’t talk to you? That is totally unfair and you need to tell her----in a nice way though.

I don’t know. There’s a lot of stuff - like “act like an adult and I’ll treat you like one” comes up a lot, and I’m not sure how to respond to that. Especially since I often feel that if I disagree I’m “acting like a child” in her mind and thus don’t get treated like an adult.

So, like, with the clothing issue, I might ask her to be more respectful of my choices. And she’ll say no, because my choices are “childish” and I’m not “listening to people with experience,” so I don’t have the standing to ask for her to stop until I grow up.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I am just curious if you are from a culture that places high value on respecting and honoring elders? It almost sounds as if this is coming from some core values of hers, something she was taught.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

So, like, with the clothing issue, I might ask her to be more respectful of my choices. And she’ll say no, because my choices are “childish” .

My mother told me I was childish when I was 45 and bought a pair of white overall shorts with a small picture of Winnie the Pooh on them to wear to Disneyland. I did look pretty cute in those things, though, if I do say so myself! I wore a pretty blue top underneath and my hair in a ponytail. Wore them every visit for about three years and called them my Disneyland outfit, but got tired of the hassle of overalls during restroom breaks. LOL She thought a shirt I bought with Tink on it was childish too, and that was brown with artwork that almost looked like a biker shirt. It was just the Disney or “cartoon character” she thought was childish. Kinda hurt, but we just had different ideas about that. I know many older adults wear similar things.

She also told me she admired my youthful attitude and that I got a kick out of simple things.

Anyway, just saying you are not alone. Don’t worry about what she thinks about what you wear, as long as it is tasteful.

 

[DarkLight]

I am just curious if you are from a culture that places high value on respecting and honoring elders? It almost sounds as if this is coming from some core values of hers, something she was taught.

I do think some of it is the religious (protestant fundamentalist) environment. I suspect it’s less about honoring elders per se and more that the culture puts higher standards on being “grown up.” And some of it is cultural change in general, as well. There’s a tendency to see unmarried young adults as children, and to see any form of asking family for help as evidence of still being childish. The latter happens no matter the reason - even if as in my case I could have neither predicted medical problems, nor could I realistically have had the resources to handle them.

Religious issues are a big deal too. Because I don’t follow their form of religion, I’m still seen as “in rebellion.” I know that’s a real big one - there’s very little acknowledgement of the possibility of honest disagreement when it comes to religious matters. Only those that are following God according to their idea, and those who are in rebellion.