Youth worker at parish getting vasectomy

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My dh just told me that a coworker of his told him that he is getting a vasectomy. However, he is Catholic, and a youth worker at the parish where my son attends school.

The thing is, we are not Catholic (I’m looking into RCIA), and I’ve only gone to mass at this parish a few times. I don’t really feel comfortable going to the priest and saying “hey, let’s talk about sex and the youth worker,” ya know. 😊

What bothers me the most is that he is a youth worker (not the main youth director) and his wife is a catechist at the parish. :eek: They both work in Catholic education, and will have influence over youth at the most vulnerable time of their lives. What will they say to a young person who comes to them with a problem dealing with sex, having children, etc, if they don’t follow Church teachings? :confused:

How should I handle this, or should I?

oneseeker
 
I think you should say something. You now know and can’t “un” know this.

It’s not private any more-- this guy is going around telling people! That makes it a public sin and a source of scandal. You are correct in your assessment that this could be problematic since he and his wife are in leadership roles.

I don’t know what I would do if I were not yet a Catholic-- but I might approach the youth minister privately and share my concerns.
 
Maybe you should just let the parish priest know about it. You don’t have to tell him your life story, just let him no that you feel its wrong if this youth worker goes ahead with the operation, and if he could advise him to not gio ahead with the op. Especially as this man is in a position to influence children.

If you are feeling uncomfortable about all this, ring the priest up on the phone, so you don’t have to speak face to face.
 
I had the very difficult responsibility of letting a DRE know that one of his faithful RE teachers (of the teens) was co-habitating with a man without the benefit of marriage. All of the teens knew it, but somehow it was missed by the DRE. I mentioned it to him so that he could decide how to address it, which he did very gently and respectfully. She agreed to stop volunteering in that capacity in the parish, although she remained in the parish.

St. Paul teaches that all of us should not aspire to be teachers because teachers will be held to a stricter account in the final judgment. If this man had kept silent about his surgery, it would have been a sin to deal with exclusively in the confessional. The fact that he has made it a public issue (heaven knows WHY…I mean it is not like that is coffee table conversation, is it?) and that the kids know IS a scandal.

Also, unless he has already done the deed, you might consider this as a providential opportunity to get the pastor involved to help this man rethink the damage he is planning to do to himself physically and spiritually. In this climate, he may not even be aware of the teachings of the Church.

And, of course, pray.

Peace,

Gordo
 
oneseeker said:
My dh just told me that a coworker of his told him that he is getting a vasectomy. However, he is Catholic, and a youth worker at the parish where my son attends school.

The thing is, we are not Catholic (I’m looking into RCIA), and I’ve only gone to mass at this parish a few times. I don’t really feel comfortable going to the priest and saying “hey, let’s talk about sex and the youth worker,” ya know. 😊

What bothers me the most is that he is a youth worker (not the main youth director) and his wife is a catechist at the parish. :eek: They both work in Catholic education, and will have influence over youth at the most vulnerable time of their lives. What will they say to a young person who comes to them with a problem dealing with sex, having children, etc, if they don’t follow Church teachings? :confused:

How should I handle this, or should I?

oneseeker
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If you are in RCIA and this youth worker actually TOLD you publically during a session that he is getting a vasectomy and that he thinks it’s o.k., then I think you need to inform the priest about it. This guy has no business being the youth director.
 
UPDATE

Well, he had the procedure done. I didn’t have a chance to talk to anyone about it before finding out the deed was done. To clear a few things up in previous posts, 1) he’s not telling the teens about this, 2) he’s not teaching RCIA (I was looking into RCIA), and 3) he told my husband who is a coworker/friend.

Vasectomy is a mortal sin, isn’t it? That’s what I thought, and even though I’m not Catholic, it makes me sad.

oneseeker
 
oneseeker said:
Vasectomy is a mortal sin, isn’t it? That’s what I thought, and even though I’m not Catholic, it makes me sad.
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Having a vasectomy is grave as far as the act is concerned but it is not necessarily a mortal sin unless there is the knowledge of gravity and full consent. This is so commonly misunderstood that I felt the need to clarify. There is no act that is a “mortal sin”. An act can be grave matter and lead to mortal sin given the three “requirements”, if you will.

Anyway back to the topic at hand…
 
I have an issue with you telling anyone. This is between your husband and him. You should not have even been brought in the picuture…however, being married, I understand the dinamics. It’s not like he’s having and abortion or selling drugs or something that will directly physically harm someone else. Are you sure he didn’t say he’s undoing a vasectamy?

You should talk to him directly and let him know the teaching of the Church. If you talk to anyone you need to speak with your Pastor first and only him…do NOT gossip about it to anyone. This would be a serious sin on your part. You must never assume something is “Public” just because you think it is so. Did the man make a Public Announcement on the radio or on the micraphone at work? Even if he did you MUST be charitable to him under the circumstances. Your Pastor should give you advice on this…THIS FORUM IS NOT THE PLACE TO EXPOSE THE GUY… Talk to him and straighten it out…then consider speaking to the Pastor and forever hold your peace… This is serious you know. Do not spread scandal or you will be guilty of the scandal too.

Sorry if I come across strong…I just would hate to see you fall prey to justifying sin like this. You can justify doing something sinful to avoid someone else commiting a sin. The end does not justify the means.
 
Aside from the obvious problems of grave sin involved in a vasectomy, I am troubled by a different point.

Why would a man, whose job it is to work with teenagers, want to get a vasectomy? Sure he is married, but so what? I do not want a man who is “shooting blanks” helping teenage girls (and boys) “form” (deform?) their conscience.

We cannot hide grave sin when it affects others. Suggestions that you should keep this to yourself, while well-meaning, are inappropriate. It is not proper to turn a blind eye to grave sin and scandal. Morally, you become culpable for the bad consequences if you do nothing.

A catechist and parish worker should know the faith well enough to know this is a grave sin. Yet still he intends to do this. Talking directly to this man will do no good; his mind is made up.

You and your husband must notify your priest forthwith.
 
rpp,
Your profile claims to be faithful to the majistirium /teachings of the Church. While I appreciate where you are coming from. Your suggestion that I am telling him to “keep it to himself” are way off base. We are the same age. I once belonged to a Protestant group that if you were not a member of the Church of Christ no matter how good you meant it you were going to hell because you were taking things into your own hands and no allowing to work in your heart…more complex…

But the teachings of the Church require disgression in this. One bring mortal sin upon himself if engaging in the scandal by making things worse. I suggested and still do suggest that the man tell this in confidence to the Pastor. The Pastor in…Have you prepared youself for confession lately by reading the confessional card…

From the parish we attend and universal in the Church.
“HOW TO GO TO CONFESSION”
8. YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS
Have I lied, gossiped? Talked about another behind his back? Do I always telltell the truth? Am I sincere? Dis I reaveal Secrets that should have been kept confidential? Am I critical, negative or uncharitable in my talk?

It’s between him and his priest. If you feel compelled to do something fight it as if you were being tempted to masterbate…because following through with scandalizing the man would be vertually the same level sin. Take it up with your priest. Read the Catechism.
 
Vocatio,
  1. I do not appreciate being yelled at online. :mad:
  2. I do not plan on spreading gossip, or telling anyone else.
  3. I did not come to this forum to “expose the guy.” :rolleyes:
    I came here to get advice on what to do.
  4. Grave sin affects more than just one person,
    especially when that person is a youth worker.😦
  5. Therefore, being told to do nothing is not helpful.
    BTW, I am not being uncharitable to him. I simply
    had a question about this situation. I don’t want him
    influencing my son.
Is that okay with you, or am I being too negative and uncharitable simply b/c I disagree with you that it’s no big deal? 🤷 I feel you should look at the plank in your own eye before talking to me about any splinters. Re-read your posts if you don’t understand.

oneseeker
 
Oneseeker,

I don’t know the situation and I only briefly looked at the replies that you got from this question you have. But I would try to find out if he had this for medical reasons (cancer) or whether it was just something that he did out of choice. That way if it ever comes up with your children you’ll be better prepared to explain it. I have 4 little ones of my own and my wife and I are constantly having to explain what’s right and what’s wrong and why. You’ve had some other pretty good suggestions though, do what you think is right and you can’t go wrong.
 
teachccd said:
Having a vasectomy is grave as far as the act is concerned but it is not necessarily a mortal sin unless there is the knowledge of gravity and full consent. This is so commonly misunderstood that I felt the need to clarify. There is no act that is a “mortal sin”. An act can be grave matter and lead to mortal sin given the three “requirements”, if you will.

Anyway back to the topic at hand…
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I wonder about that sometimes. What about surgical procedures BEFORE one was even thinking of becoming a catholic, as in my case?
 
vocatio said:
I have an issue with you telling anyone. This is between your husband and him. You should not have even been brought in the picuture…however, being married, I understand the dinamics. It’s not like he’s having and abortion or selling drugs or something that will directly physically harm someone else. Are you sure he didn’t say he’s undoing a vasectamy?

You should talk to him directly and let him know the teaching of the Church. If you talk to anyone you need to speak with your Pastor first and only him…do NOT gossip about it to anyone. This would be a serious sin on your part. You must never assume something is “Public” just because you think it is so. Did the man make a Public Announcement on the radio or on the micraphone at work? Even if he did you MUST be charitable to him under the circumstances. Your Pastor should give you advice on this…THIS FORUM IS NOT THE PLACE TO EXPOSE THE GUY… Talk to him and straighten it out…then consider speaking to the Pastor and forever hold your peace… This is serious you know. Do not spread scandal or you will be guilty of the scandal too.

Sorry if I come across strong…I just would hate to see you fall prey to justifying sin like this. You can justify doing something sinful to avoid someone else commiting a sin. The end does not justify the means.
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I agree. He told your husband as a friend, and not in a teaching setting. It’s not a public matter, and going to a priest before talking to this guy yourself (if it bothers you) goes against scripture. It tells us in the bible if we have an issue with someone to go to the DIRECTLY. If they don’t listen, then you should go with another person, and if still he doesn’t listen, then go to the priest.

Going to the priest and having a priest talk to him, before you have mentioned anything, is only going to humiliate him, and hurt him. I know. I had something similar done, only my accusation wasn’t true. Do you know how bad it is when the whole church leadership is coming down on you and no one even talked to you first? It’s enough to make someone leave a church. I did. Although, again, my situation was all something that wasn’t true. This is why scripture TELLS us how to handle these situations. Talking to everyone but him is NOT an option.

If he has already had the procedure for birth control reasons, then you should talk to him and have him realize the need for confession. Trying have him removed from leadaership before you even talk to him and discover his motives is not a very decent thing to do. If he is openly dissenting, then the priest will catch on anyway and handle it.

My advice is put yourself in his situation. Maybe he gave in to a temptation? Maybe he is struggling? If it were you, would you want someone to talk to you about it first? Or just send a priest after you to take you out of leadership? I mean this in the nicest way possible 🙂 it’s hard to know what to do in these situations, and I am facing a similar one myself. Just remember to pray for this person, follow what scripture says in how to deal with these people, and remember to deal always in love. There could be a billion reasons for this operation, and a few of them may even be justifiable by the church.

Peace.
 
Years ago, when I was teaching a CCD class, one of my students whose mom had just had a baby told me she would not be in class the following week because her mom had to go to the hospital for an appointment. I guessed the reason and gave the mom a pamphlet I had, called “Body Ecology,” from Catholics United for Life (in New Hope, Kentucky). I can’t remember for sure, but I may also have given her a pamphlet from Population Research Institute (www.pop.org) with “Ten Reasons” to have another child. The next week, the mom came to me and thanked me profusely for the pamphlets. She told me she had planned to have a tubal ligation, but the pamphlets had changed her mind. She had had no idea the operation was against Catholic doctrine.

I am fervent about this issue, because I had a tubal ligation before I knew it was wrong. I found out afterwards, and I’ve turned my sorrow and regret into prayers and actions to prevent others from making my mistake.

God bless you, Bruce, for caring.
 
My take is that it is simply not your business. You are not Catholic, a member of the parish or a long time visitor even. You I assume have no knowledge of what the priest there knows or doen’t know. If you find it troubling then I would look for another parish to attend.
 
Ultimately, the moral issues surrounding his choice to get a vasectemy are none of your business. If it does not offend his conscience, then it is between him and God as to why the arguments of the magisterium were unsufficient for him.

However, discussing his sexuality AT ALL with children in his care is simply unprofessional. It is none of their business, just as it should have been none of yours. However, he has made the choice to make it your business and for that, he should be removed from his position.
 
dconstruct said:
Ultimately, the moral issues surrounding his choice to get a vasectemy are none of your business. If it does not offend his conscience, then it is between him and God as to why the arguments of the magisterium were unsufficient for him.

However, discussing his sexuality AT ALL with children in his care is simply unprofessional. It is none of their business, just as it should have been none of yours. However, he has made the choice to make it your business and for that, he should be removed from his position.
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Succinct and well stated.
 
I agree with a mix of the responses on the thread. First of all, the issue should be addressed directly to the man. Since you aren’t Catholics, what did your husband say to the man when he was told of the vasectomy?

In discussion with a not-too-practicing Catholic (not lapsed, but not very active) friend, we were talking about birth control and he told me that he had a vasectomy. I told him…“you know that vasectomies are also against Church teaching?” He had no idea. He asked me if he should get it reversed, and I explained it is not required but it is a something he should take to Confession.

Now, I don’t know what the catechetics are like at the parish you belong to, but the one I converted at was very “conscience”-focused. In those parishes, the question of birth control and vasectomies wouldn’t be clearly taught unfortunately. If you went to the priest, he might just tell you the guy prayed about it, took counsel and then “followed his conscience.” 🤷

The best thing your husband could do is educate the guy directly in a charitable manner. I am happy to see that it is not a subject he is discussing with the teenagers. This topic is difficult enough for teens without confusing them with the sin of adults who are leading them.
 
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