10 & 11 year old believing in Santa and the Tooth Fairy

[lifeisbeautiful]

OP, are the children staying with you or with their father over Christmas? From reading your post, it sounds like they’re staying with their father and they’re all coming to your place on Christmas Day.

If that’s the case, what does it matter? Santa will have will have left the children’s gifts at their father’s house and you won’t have to pretend anything or leave evidence of reindeer or do anything at all really other than not contradict them when they tell you what they got.

It almost sounds as if you think the idea of allowing kids of any age to believe in Santa is wrong or at least something that should be highly discouraged lest the true meaning of Christmas be forgotten. There’s a danger of this of course but I think there’s room for both. You’ve said before that their father is Catholic and active in the Church so it’s hard to imagine that the children don’t know what Christmas is about or would be surprised by your tradition of having a manger that straw is added to every day. I think that’s a lovely idea by the way - why not ask the kids to add some straw every time they visit your house during the lead up to Christmas?

Why not let this Christmas play out without interfering and see what happens? I think you’ll find that the kids don’t REALLY believe in Santa but if they do, you’ll have the time to think properly about what might be going on here rather than rushing in and trying to ‘fix’ what you see as a problem, or trying to push the parents to ‘step up’ and correct what you see as an error in the way they are raising their children.

And I agree with TheRealJuliane, how is an almost 12 year old losing baby teeth?

I agree with this. When they arrive at your home Santa will have visited their home already, you don’t have to bring it up. It does make a difference, though, that you are marrying their father. They will live in your household (at least part of the time, I don’t know how often he has their custody). If it bothers you so much you might want to talk with him about it some time, not in the presence of the kids. To be honest, I am trying to figure out whether I am out of touch… I do remember a friend of mine in 6th grade still believing in some characters, and I thought it was kind of sweet that she still believed. I did not tell her, but I did not think less of her. I don’t know, they are older than when I found out, and maybe I am wrong, but I am not scandalized by their ages. Now, every Christmas in every Catholic household should be centered on the birth of Jesus, regardless if they have the St Nick tradition or not. Why don’t you start those traditions in your home next year now that there will be children. We do the manger scene, and have the three kings traveling as well. Right now with my kids we use the Little People set, but when they are older we will take out the other set we have. Growing up we used to make large manger scenes, with ponds (mirrors) and caves, trees, etc. It was fun and was always in a prominent spot in the house. We had a separate larger baby Jesus with a wooden stick crib and the way we did it, and the way I do it with my kids, is to have the crib sitting out empty during Advent, and have them put one straw strand (or a couple) every time they do a good deed. They don’t have to announce it, just do it quietly for Jesus. The more good deeds they do in Advent, the softer the bed will be for baby Jesus when he is born. We talk about how lucky we are that we all get gifts on His birthday, that it is a big celebration for all.

 

[SouthCatholic]

Thanks to everyone for so much beautiful and meaning advice straight from your hearts!
My son, who is now 25 was taught to believe and live the birth of Christ that was so special and is Christmas! He never brought the Santa thing, but then I never enforced it or taught it either. I DID however, up until he moved out of the house as an adult from college, play a game with his presents tags from Santa and I used to pick movies and use obscure names of characters from the movies so he had to figure out what movie they were from, Cindy Lu Who from the Grinch, etc. We had so much fun with this tradition until he was 22 and graduated from college! Of course it’s fun to play around especially during holidays!

These kids really do believe that there is a Santa Claus and he does bring all of the presents. The girl even said to me recently since she wants a special present for Christmas, her dad and mom told her so that Santa will bring it. She asked me if he was real and if he would bring it, and oh my goodness of course I would never harm a child that way. The parents need to do what is age appropriate. He is my fiance and the kids will be with him at Christmas which we are celebrating at my house.

What I don’t understand is why is it such a difficult thing to instead teach our children about the miracle and beauty of the birth of Christ at Christmas and have that be the special and loving celebration? Continuing to tell children that Santa really came and go to extremes of proving that he was at your house-- what I ask does that do to Our Lord? He is First, not Santa. The parents today have taken it further and longer than any other generation. I love the children and of course will not hurt their feelings. I’m seeking for the parents to step up. What about the Christ in Christmas?

The tooth fairy past such an old age is difficult. The middle school boy really thinks that there is one and leaves him money, and the parents reinforce it. Within 2 months they will be 11 and 12 years old. No, I won’t hurt him because I do love him but I will not participate in it either. I had a neighbor boy who was my son’s friend that I babysat, whose parents did the same thing into middle school. He later came back and said, my parents were lying to me flat out when I asked them.

We cannot lie to children especially on the holiest and most special days of the years, the birth of Jesus. There is so much more we can do for Him and for our families. Love! Show Him Your Love!

OK… so, if I am reading this correctly, you are the soon to be stepmother to these children who live with their mother most of the time and whose father, your fiance, is playing along with this? And you think it would be a good idea for you to set the record straight on this? You are setting yourself up for WWIII with the bio-mom. This is not a hill you want to die on. LET. IT. GO!

 

[thewanderer]

OK… so, if I am reading this correctly, you are the soon to be stepmother to these children who live with their mother most of the time and whose father, your fiance, is playing along with this? And you think it would be a good idea for you to set the record straight on this? You are setting yourself up for WWIII with the bio-mom. This is not a hill you want to die on. LET. IT. GO!

She never said this, in fact, she said the opposite, then when the girl asked her she couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I believed in Santa until I was about eleven. We had great fun with him. My parents would get these size XXX boots (I have no clue where they got them) and they would put dust-looking stuff on the bottom so there would be bootprints everywhere that led to the tree and then back. I remember one year my brother was certain he didn’t exist, so in the middle of the night my dad got on the roof and started jumping and walking around. This had a few side-effects: 1 we believed in Santa, and 2 there was no way our parents were going to stop us so we unwrapped our presents with them right then at about twelve in the morning. I wouldn’t label believing in Santa until eleven as child abuse at all. I think eventually the children simply figure it out, especially the sharper ones who like to investigate everything. My parents never openly told us about Santa not being real (Well they may have for my brother and sister. Probably not me since there is a three year age gap between each child and they see me as the baby still. I must admit at sixteen I’m a pretty ugly baby. ), but I figured it out on my own. I think you would be surprised at the fact that they likely know already, especially since they go to school and I find young children at schools like to think of themselves as the next Mythbusters (Though I have no experience with this since was home schooled).

 

[cshoremom]

I’m with EasterJoy and the others. Although there might be some people who have been scandalized by the “lie” and had a difficult time trusting their parents again (and it’s very sad that this did happen to them, so I would not want to discount their experiences), I think most people don’t have that problem. For me, when I found out, I remember being very sad about it, but at the same time, had this immense feeling of love and appreciation for my parents and for people in general. It was very beautiful to me thinking that they wanted to create this fun and lovely tradition and world for children. I realized that they were the ones spending the money on me and my siblings and I remember thanking them for all of the toys I received from “Santa” and the sacrifices they made for us. When I officially stopped believing in Santa (I had already had my doubts about it for a year), I had to move on to a new chapter of my life… and that was literally how I looked at it.

And I will admit that I was 10 at the time. It was the last thing I held onto. I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny early on because it seemed silly that a bunny would be able to deliver eggs in baskets. The tooth fairy as well, but I really wanted to believe they were real, so I kept making myself believe it. Santa… well… we celebrated St. Nicholas day at our Catholic school and we always learned that Santa was St. Nicholas. I was one of those children who early on (based on my diaries, my memories and memories of my parents) I was too acutely aware of my mortality. I was like an old person in a young person’s body and I was too concerned about the horrors and terrors of the world. I was aware of how quickly life passed by, how my childhood was going to quickly end and I would have to become an adult sooner than I really would want to. It depressed me. My early journals in gradeschool throughout highschool focused a lot on the quick passing of time. I couldn’t understand how my peers could go through life not concerned about growing up and growing old and not being concerned about important and serious events around them.

At the same time, I was still a child and innocent. Believing in Santa helped me keep a bit of my childhood without becoming too much of a worrying old woman. Knowing the truth about Santa actually made me see the beauty of people’s love for purity and innocence and simplicity. It allowed me to see in a new way how generous and completely loving my parents were/are in allowing me to extend a bit more of my innocence and childhood, as well as their material generosity. It also showed me how the story of one saint could create so much love and happiness for people of all ages for many generations. It never shook my faith in God. Neither one ever even crossed paths in that regard. The sisters at the hospital where my father worked called me their “little nun” because I wanted to be one at the time. I was nicknamed “Sister Sarabande” or “Mother Sarabande” by my classmates. Yes, I was an oddball to those normal people, but it didn’t bother me really once I embraced who I was and because I had such loving and supportive parents.

Believing in Santa, in no way, hurt me, but increased my hope and faith in people’s love. Call me an optimist, but that was how I viewed it as a child and as an adult. That said, I do suppose every child is different and a parent should be aware of what can help or hurt each individual child.

Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

and yes!
Love this post! My experiences are very similar.

 

[Regina_Love]

I agree with this. When they arrive at your home Santa will have visited their home already, you don’t have to bring it up. It does make a difference, though, that you are marrying their father. They will live in your household (at least part of the time, I don’t know how often he has their custody). If it bothers you so much you might want to talk with him about it some time, not in the presence of the kids. To be honest, I am trying to figure out whether I am out of touch… I do remember a friend of mine in 6th grade still believing in some characters, and I thought it was kind of sweet that she still believed. I did not tell her, but I did not think less of her. I don’t know, they are older than when I found out, and maybe I am wrong, but I am not scandalized by their ages. Now, every Christmas in every Catholic household should be centered on the birth of Jesus, regardless if they have the St Nick tradition or not. Why don’t you start those traditions in your home next year now that there will be children. We do the manger scene, and have the three kings traveling as well. Right now with my kids we use the Little People set, but when they are older we will take out the other set we have. Growing up we used to make large manger scenes, with ponds (mirrors) and caves, trees, etc. It was fun and was always in a prominent spot in the house. We had a separate larger baby Jesus with a wooden stick crib and the way we did it, and the way I do it with my kids, is to have the crib sitting out empty during Advent, and have them put one straw strand (or a couple) every time they do a good deed. They don’t have to announce it, just do it quietly for Jesus. The more good deeds they do in Advent, the softer the bed will be for baby Jesus when he is born. We talk about how lucky we are that we all get gifts on His birthday, that it is a big celebration for all.

I love this idea!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I believed in Santa until I was about eleven. We had great fun with him. My parents would get these size XXX boots (I have no clue where they got them) and they would put dust-looking stuff on the bottom so there would be bootprints everywhere that led to the tree and then back. I remember one year my brother was certain he didn’t exist, so in the middle of the night my dad got on the roof and started jumping and walking around. This had a few side-effects: 1 we believed in Santa, and 2 there was no way our parents were going to stop us so we unwrapped our presents with them right then at about twelve in the morning. I wouldn’t label believing in Santa until eleven as child abuse at all. I think eventually the children simply figure it out, especially the sharper ones who like to investigate everything. My parents never openly told us about Santa not being real (Well they may have for my brother and sister. Probably not me since there is a three year age gap between each child and they see me as the baby still.** I must admit at sixteen I’m a pretty ugly baby.** ), but I figured it out on my own. I think you would be surprised at the fact that they likely know already, especially since they go to school and I find young children at schools like to think of themselves as the next Mythbusters (Though I have no experience with this since was home schooled).

I think you’re darned cute!

 

[rayne89]

I don’t blame the parents for trying to keep their children innocent and unworldly, but I think it’s very weird to keep children believing in a fairy tale. It’s almost…abusive, because it’s refusing to allow the children to develop normally.

Really? My daughter believed in Santa until she was 12. She was not abused, she developed just fine thank you very much. She is now a senior in high school, socially active and perfectly normal. She is also incredibly creative. I think your advice would make Ebenezer Scrooge quite proud.

 

[rayne89]

What I don’t understand is why is it such a difficult thing to instead teach our children about the miracle and beauty of the birth of Christ at Christmas and have that be the special and loving celebration?

Of course we taught our daughter about the birth of Christ at Christmas and that was the whole reason for celebrating Christmas. That doesn’t mean that children can’t still believe in fairy tales.Its actually quite good for their creative development. My daughter believed in Santa until she was 12. She’s a senior in high school now. She is very devout. She attends youth group, bible study, she is active in a pro-life group for young people and prays at abortion clinics regularly. Santa has done nothing to damage her relationship with our Lord. She is also very artistic and excellent at creative writing.
My husband was not allowed to believe in Santa -ever. We probably did go out of our to let her enjoy that fantasy that he was denied -but it hasn’t harmed her in any way.

 

[IBombAtomically]

OP – take out a piece of paper and do a cost vs. benefits of all your options. Write down a “worst-case scenario” of santa vs. no santa this year and decide which one you could live with. It’s hard to predict how a kid will react to learning there is no physical Santa, as you’ve seen reading through the thread, so tread lightly. Say, they react very badly. Do you really want their presumably first Christmas with you, at your house, to be associated with that news? What is the comparable downside to playing along? You will undoubtedly be uncomfortable either way, as an adult, you already know that your comfort level comes second to these kids.

Think of it like the Hippocratic Oath: First, do no harm.

Share your concerns with your fiance and figure out together how you should handle it. You could always play along but be non-committal, and if the kids ask you a direct question, say something like “Oh, I don’t know, you’d better ask Dad. He’s more of Santa-expert than I am.” Chances are by next year they’ll have gotten the hint. Also, I say leave the tooth fairy alone. It should resolve itself after the last baby tooth falls out.

FWIW, my husband’s cousin is around 13 years old, and he still whole-heartedly believes in Santa. While he is a brilliant boy in school, he’s always been an emotionally immature person and the believe in Santa is probably a result of that, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.