12 Safety Rules for Catholic Dating - Agree or Disagree?

[Mrs_Sally]

They sound like good rules for early dating, the phase when you are still trying to see who that person is generally and if your values are at least outwardly compatible. However, once you get over that phase and start seriously considering this person for a more serious relationship (engagement.marriage) some time alone together is good. Just because there are things you don’t want to say in front of your parents/priest does not make them bad things. It is good not to say these things too early in order to guard ones heart if the person isn’t the one for you. But can you imagine trying to talk about hopes and dreams for the future what you ideas of your future family and spiritual life are, in front of your parents.

Now my dh and I dated by spending time with each others family having dinner, but we would go for walks, play tennis, or pool, or go out to eat all by ourselves, so we could talk about things that we intimate enough to not shout in front of our families. Like the previous poster, I could not see getting engaged to someone I hadn’t had those intimate and personal conversations with much less get married to them.

The others aren’t bad, maybe if we qualify #2 with a “never be a lone together in a private place.”

I think this is a good way to qualify this rule. Conversations about what married life will be like can happen when you are 'alone" in a public space - say a resturant for dinner or walking in a park. You don’t need to be alone in your apartment for that.

 

[TrueLight]

I think this is a good way to qualify this rule. Conversations about what married life will be like can happen when you are 'alone" in a public space - say a resturant for dinner or walking in a park. You don’t need to be alone in your apartment for that.

I agree.

 

[thewanderer]

1. Be sure your life is based firmly on prayer
   Absolutely agree
2. Never be alone together
   Should not be a universal rule
3. Watch your conversations
   I agree… but shouldn’t you be avoiding innuendo no matter who you are talking to?
4. Make your time together active times
   Should not be a universal rule
5. Make sure your activities are wholesome
   Absoultey agree, but again, shouldn’t this be something you do all the time?
6. Dress appropriately and modestly
   ditto
7. Avoid actions that cause arousal
   This depends on what you mean. I think a better way to phrase this is never seek out arousal and avoid the near occasion of sin.
8. Be honest about yourself:
   This one is super important
9. Be honest with yourself:
   As is this
10. Keep any kisses to a quick peck
    Should not be a universal rule
11. End it as soon as you realize this is not the person for you
    Absolutely agree
12. Don’t be secretive about your dating:
    Again I agree.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

1. Be sure your life is based firmly on prayer
   Absolutely agree
2. Never be alone together
   Should not be a universal rule
3. Watch your conversations
   I agree… but shouldn’t you be avoiding innuendo no matter who you are talking to?
4. Make your time together active times
   Should not be a universal rule
5. Make sure your activities are wholesome
   Absoultey agree, but again, shouldn’t this be something you do all the time?
6. Dress appropriately and modestly
   ditto
7. Avoid actions that cause arousal
   This depends on what you mean. I think a better way to phrase this is never seek out arousal and avoid the near occasion of sin.
8. Be honest about yourself:
   This one is super important
9. Be honest with yourself:
   As is this
10. Keep any kisses to a quick peck
    Should not be a universal rule
11. End it as soon as you realize this is not the person for you
    Absolutely agree
12. Don’t be secretive about your dating:
    Again I agree.

 

[Greg_N]

Well, the Mormons are more successful at marrying people off in their church. So in that case, the list can’t be half bad.

haha, touché

It is a well know fact that prostitues will not kiss on the lips. Apparently it is because they won’t fall in love if they don’t kiss and that way, they can detach their work from their bodies. Once they kiss, they fall in love with their client and that is a no-no for them.

Well… if a man was not capable of kissing me passionately, I would wonder if he is capable of being loving to me once we are married. If at first he wanted to get to know me before making a move, I would be happy he values himself. But if he NEVER wanted to show any affection what so ever, I would wonder

Very interesting point about “escorts” lol, and I also agree; a passionate kiss now and again between a couple who are discerning marriage shouldn’t be wrong…

Again, the potential or possibility of something illicit happening does not mean that such a situation is sinful or even an occasion of sin for a normal, responsible adult couple.

I agree with this.

I don’t know. I don’t find hanging out in a car under the moonlight, to be a particularly good situation for a couple that wants their relationship to be chaste. Some can do it - no doubt-, but I think it would be a near occasion of sin for a lot of people.

Truelight, according to this logic, an adolescent male who —all of a sudden— finds himself alone in a room with an internet connection could also be putting himself in a state of sin (I don’t think this analogy would suit a female, but you get my point). It’s a matter of basic self-control.

I do see where you are coming from, but I think the real issue here is morality, more specifically; the Catholic/Christian kind.

I don’t believe there is even anything inherently wrong with sitting alone with a companion of the opposite sex (especially if you plan on marrying), unless of course you realize you can’t help yourself… in which case I would seriously suggest re-evaluating your motives for being with that person.
See (to me), marriage isn’t just about fulfilling your physical desire to be with someone (although it is important); there are principles to uphold —and not just on your own— but together… What better way to sensibly realize this, then to sit together in privacy and converse/reflect on your possible future with the one you love?

 

[Do_Good_Then_Go]

I’m finding it quite difficult to come to terms with the idea that it is better for couples to not spend time alone together, or to avoid sitting in a car watching a sunset, or to avoid sitting on a sofa together, or to avoid being alone in a house. I’d agree if the couple in question are 16-year-olds, but for people in their twenties or older? It seems unnecessarily restrictive and rather silly. If a person lives alone, is it wrong or unwise for them to cook a meal at home for the person they are dating or engaged to? I would think that’s something that is quite normal.

The way some posters are talking, one would think that it’s a sin to feel sexual desire unless one is married. It’s normal to want to have sex. The idea is to wait until you ARE married, the idea isn’t to believe that the very normal desire that is felt is wrong or something so uncontrollable that it’s dangerous to even be alone with someone. It might be very tempting, it might feel almost irresistible at times, but it’s not uncontrollable. Sure, avoid doing things simply to cause arousal, but if a couple is kissing and they start getting aroused, that’s not a sin, it’s normal. The thing to do would be to take responsibility, stop and cool down. I don’t see that as a failure or a problem, I see it as the mature and right thing to do.

Of course, it’s a long time since I was single, so perhaps my ideas are hopelessly out of date.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

I’m finding it quite difficult to come to terms with the idea that it is better for couples to not spend time alone together, or to avoid sitting in a car watching a sunset, or to avoid sitting on a sofa together, or to avoid being alone in a house. I’d agree if the couple in question are 16-year-olds, but for people in their twenties or older? It seems unnecessarily restrictive and rather silly. If a person lives alone, is it wrong or unwise for them to cook a meal at home for the person they are dating or engaged to? I would think that’s something that is quite normal.

Sometimes I think people over-generalize the self control, or lack thereof, of teenagers.

Even some 16 year olds are mature enough to restrain themselves from ripping clothes off as soon as they find themselves in a situation with no adults around.

 

[mini_me640]

Sometimes I think people over-generalize the self control, or lack thereof, of teenagers.

Even some 16 year olds are mature enough to restrain themselves from ripping clothes off as soon as they find themselves in a situation with no adults around.

I agree. I had plenty of opportunity for inappropriate contact with my
High school sweetheart but we never had sex.

 

[hannajomar]

Regarding the list of rules, I think they can be summed up by one guideline: “Don’t get significantly sexually aroused before marriage”.

The general principle and most of the rules is sound, although having a long list of rules seems unnecessary, and some of them seem ridiculous (“never be alone together”). If someone can’t ever be alone with a significant other without falling into sexual sin, then they have some self-control issues that need to be resolved. The need for self-control doesn’t end when one gets married, as there will be plenty of opportunities for married people to sin with each other (or with others). Some of the rules look more appropriate for teenagers who aren’t ready to marry yet (how could one never be alone with a fiancee?).

However, if it is necessary for some individual to completely avoid being alone with a fiancee, then they should do what they need to do.

I completely agree with you. My husband and I spent a lot of time alone before we were married. The day I got married, I knew I was marrying a man who has sexual self-control. If he couldn’t be alone in a room with an attractive woman (me) without being inappropriate, I would have second thoughts about how faithful he would be to me. What if he was working late alone with a female coworker? Knowing how much self-control he has, I would have no worries about that.

Looking back, I learned this about him in small increments. When we began dating, we drove in his car together, sat in the movie theater, walked alone in the park. I could see how respectful he was during those times, so my trust in him grew. We lived 100 miles apart, so when we began dating seriously, he would come to spend the weekend. For the first few months, he slept in my apartment, and I slept at my parents, 10 minutes away (easier on my parents that way. I don’t count as a guest.). After several months of that, I felt comfortable enough to sleep on my bed in my apartment while he was sleeping on the couch in the living room. We never even open-mouth kissed until our wedding night.

I agree with other posters who have said age does matter. I was in my 20’s, he was in his 30’s when we dated.

 

[TrueLight]

In the old days, engaged couples used to behave just like in the rules.

Were our parents and grandparents sexually obsessed? Or was there wisdom in these precautions.

 

[mini_me640]

In the old days, engaged couples used to behave just like in the rules.

Were our parents and grandparents sexually obsessed? Or was there wisdom in these precautions.

In the old days, people got married much younger and generally lived with family until marriage (and sometimes after marriage). In general, they weren’t 30 and still dating while living across the country from any relatives. Both sets of my grandparents were married by the age of 18. Also I’m quite sure from classic literature that many couples didn’t only peck kiss until marriage.

I think these rules are generally appropriate for teenagers and that most of them work for adults as well, but it is largely impractical to expect independent adults that don’t live with family to never be alone at each other’s homes, at the movies, etc. I also don’t see why dating couples should stop with quick peck kisses.

 

[thewanderer]

In the old days, engaged couples used to behave just like in the rules.

Were our parents and grandparents sexually obsessed? Or was there wisdom in these precautions.

There is wisdom in them in so far as you know that following these rules will help avoid being overly arroused before marriage, and for some people following these rules strictly may be necessary, but the point is that they really are not necessary for all couples. If a couple is truly being honest both with and about themselves (as mentioned in the rules) then they will know what there limits are and which kind of situations and actions are ok for them as well as which they must avoid. So because of those other rules that are mentioned I think some rules, like never spend time alone, kiss only as a peck, are already included uner those other rules for those couples who need them, and for those that don’t need them, why in the world should they follow them? I spend plenty of ttime with my FH in the car alone, heck, he taught me to drive, we are about to embark on a 5 1/2 hour car ride later on this evening together, by ourselves. Do I have any worry, even the slightest that he will try to do something innapropriate during this time? Absolutely not, I know him and myself, I know our limits and the way we behave in such situations. It is in no way going to be an occasion of sin for us. So why in the world should we follow the rule of never being alone, which would make this trip impossible, if it is not going to be a near occasion of sin?

 

[SMHW]

In the old days, engaged couples used to behave just like in the rules.

Were our parents and grandparents sexually obsessed? Or was there wisdom in these precautions.

Some couples behaved this way in the “old days”. But not all. I think it was common in the case where unmarried women lived with family or some other “guardian” until they married.

Of course there is wisdom in those precautions. I do believe that many couples today do not take enough precautions towards guarding their hearts and their purity.

But those are not rules in the sense that they are moral imperatives; they truly are ONLY guidelines.

 

[Do_Good_Then_Go]

Sometimes I think people over-generalize the self control, or lack thereof, of teenagers.

Even some 16 year olds are mature enough to restrain themselves from ripping clothes off as soon as they find themselves in a situation with no adults around.

I agree. I had plenty of opportunity for inappropriate contact with my
High school sweetheart but we never had sex.

Good points, and true of course.

Guidelines can by very useful but too often people want to turn guidelines into unbreakable rules.

 

[Byrnwiga]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the general consensus appears to be that following these rules is a good way to start the dating process, but [should] not [be] required for the duration of the dating process (i.e. until the couple gets married); the loosening of the “restrictions” is to be decided upon by the couple when appropriate.

Does this seem like a reasonable interpretation?

-Byrnwiga

 

[hannajomar]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the general consensus appears to be that following these rules is a good way to start the dating process, but [should] not [be] required for the duration of the dating process (i.e. until the couple gets married); the loosening of the “restrictions” is to be decided upon by the couple when appropriate.

Does this seem like a reasonable interpretation?

-Byrnwiga

That sounds good to me!

 

[mini_me640]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the general consensus appears to be that following these rules is a good way to start the dating process, but [should] not [be] required for the duration of the dating process (i.e. until the couple gets married); the loosening of the “restrictions” is to be decided upon by the couple when appropriate.

Does this seem like a reasonable interpretation?

-Byrnwiga

This makes perfect sense to me. Obviously one shouldn’t dispense with the honesty and modesty provisions, but things like time alone, kissing, etc. might loosen as a relationship moves toward engagement and marriage.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I found an article on a blog titled: 12 Safety Rules for Catholic Dating. I think they’re great!

Do you agree or disagree with these rules?

Rules

1. Be sure your life is based firmly on prayer*-Absolutely*
2. Never be alone together-Probably not in a bedroom on a bed, but nothing wrong with sitting down in a restaurant for a private conversation or in a park.
3. Watch your conversations-That’s always good advice, even for a non-Catholic couple
4. Make your time together active times-*Somewhat. Temptation becomes greater if you two are alone and bored.

• 1. Make sure your activities are wholesome-Yes
  2. Dress appropriately and modestly-Yes
  3. Avoid actions that cause arousal-Yes
  4. Be honest about yourself:-Yes
  5. Be honest with yourself:-*Yes *

1. Keep any kisses to a quick peck-*Early on, yes. As things become more serious, a little more than a peck is okay (though making out is probably too much).

• 1. End it as soon as you realize this is not the person for you-Again, good advice for anyone. Even non-Catholics.
  2. Don’t be secretive about your dating:-*Well, there is usually a period of time where you two aren’t sure if you want to be a couple yet, so you don’t announce to family and friends. However, it’s a red flag if you are definitely dating and your gf/bf won’t admit it in public.

Read more…

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I’m finding it quite difficult to come to terms with the idea that it is better for couples to not spend time alone together, or to avoid sitting in a car watching a sunset, or to avoid sitting on a sofa together, or to avoid being alone in a house. I’d agree if the couple in question are 16-year-olds, but for people in their twenties or older? It seems unnecessarily restrictive and rather silly. If a person lives alone, is it wrong or unwise for them to cook a meal at home for the person they are dating or engaged to? I would think that’s something that is quite normal.

The way some posters are talking, one would think that it’s a sin to feel sexual desire unless one is married. It’s normal to want to have sex. The idea is to wait until you ARE married, the idea isn’t to believe that the very normal desire that is felt is wrong or something so uncontrollable that it’s dangerous to even be alone with someone. It might be very tempting, it might feel almost irresistible at times, but it’s not uncontrollable. Sure, avoid doing things simply to cause arousal, but if a couple is kissing and they start getting aroused, that’s not a sin, it’s normal. The thing to do would be to take responsibility, stop and cool down. I don’t see that as a failure or a problem, I see it as the mature and right thing to do.

Of course, it’s a long time since I was single, so perhaps my ideas are hopelessly out of date.

I agree with what you’re saying. Cooking dinner in your apt. for your bf when you’re in your 20s isn’t necessarily a problem. You just have to be careful about it being a near occasion of sin. Temptation is greater when there is a bed/couch nearby and nobody supervising.