17yo little sister is pregnant

[Brenda_V]

I haven’t talked to them about it. Mom seems to want to ignore it right now, and I doubt my dad will discuss it with me at all. They’re the parents, I’m the child, my opinion doesn’t count, is the way he looks at it, I think. So, I don’t have a clue what they’re planning to do about the whole thing.

I spoke to my sister on the phone briefly today… She sounded like her usual self, which was weird… But she was with her bf, so maybe she wanted to sound ‘cool’ when talking to her weird, religious, brainiac older sister. So, I dunno what she’s planning… I sent her my cell phone number in the email, too, just in case she wants to talk directly to me.

He is right here - they are the parents and you are the (adult) child. Once your parents come to grips with the fact that you are an adult they may ask you for advise, otherwise, they are the parents and you are the child . This is a hard fact for children to accept and even harder for adult children to accept. It is also hard for parents to accept that their adult children can have valid opinions and suggestions so, in this situation you pumpkinbeast, need to do what you can directly with your sister as you have already been doing!

You are a loving sister and daughter, remember that as this all unfolds. You have very little control over what others say and do. You can make suggestions and give your love and offer up in prayer all your own frustrations over bad behavior n the part of you sister and her boyfriend and any arguments you may have with your parents.

I will include you in my prayers and do keep us updated on how your sister is doing.

Oh, and she can’t get to the CPC physically, is that because she has no transportation? If so, tell her to tell them that when she calls and see if they can send a taxi for her - we have that ability but not all CPC’s have the funds for this kind of thing.

PM me and I will give you my e-mail to share with her if you think this will help at all - long distance counseling is not easy but can be done if she has access to a computer and AIM where we can chat IRT or even just e-mailing each other.

Brenda V.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Hah, thanks, Brenda… I know the whole transition from ‘kid-child’ to ‘adult-child’ is weird and sometimes hard for everyone involved…

The drama continues… She and her bf might be moving to a city that is a 3-4 hour drive away from us, which is where the bf’s mom lives. Apparently, the bf’s mom is just over-joyed at the prospect of two high-school drop-outs becoming parents… I mean, I know every new life is a good thing, but the situations surrounding this one are not so great… The bf’s mom did have the bf when she was 17, so that probably has a lot to do with her reaction.

The reason my sister and her bf may be moving is because they think that our family doesn’t want her around anymore. She thinks this because a) my parents were unable to call her Thursday night, the day we found out about this, due to prior commitments, and b) when my mom did call her on Friday, she expressed concern over whether my sister would be finishing high school via adult high, which is what she has been doing. How she got ‘we don’t want you around anymore’ out of ‘we’re concerned about your education’ I DON’T know… :banghead: I’d forgotten part of the reason she was kicked out in the first place: she thinks that ‘love’ equates to ‘being happy with whatever decision I make about my life, be it good or bad’. She doesn’t realize you can love the person without loving their actions, and that it is actually loving to try and let a person know that they just might be flushing their life down the toilet, rather than being overjoyed about it. x.x GAH!

So, I dunno what I should do now… I don’t even know if she’ll contact the CPC. Well, if she does, she probably won’t tell me about it… How do you not drive a wedge between yourself and a person who will interpret all your actions as trying to drive a wedge between the two of you???

 

[Brenda_V]

Your sister is still very immature so interprets things the way she wants to - it will be hard to communicate with her except to let her know you love her. Right now it sounds like all you can do is tell her you love her.

BTW, do you know where the boyfriends mom lives? Or better yet, her e-mail and/or phone number? She may very well be happy to take your sister to a CPC near her for the support, both emotional and material they can give her.

Give her the links I gave you if you can, or encourage your sister to share them with her so they can get help - medical, they should be able to give her a “proof of pregnancy” in order to apply for Medicaid (we are authorized by Medicaid to give them so the paper work can get started ). Just present it to her in as clinical, non-personal way as you can.

Oh, and moving in with the sorta-mil may be a good thing.

Brenda V.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Give her the links I gave you if you can, or encourage your sister to share them with her so they can get help - medical, they should be able to give her a “proof of pregnancy” in order to apply for Medicaid (we are authorized by Medicaid to give them so the paper work can get started ). Just present it to her in as clinical, non-personal way as you can.
.

I’ll post more later, but just wanted to point out that we’re Canadian, I don’t think we have Medicaid. Like, we don’t need it… just need your health card, and a hospital will treat you.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I was pregnant at 17. And I guess as I decided not to go to University but be with the father of my child (now DH), I would have been considered a drop-out. As my dh had no job at the time, I guess he would have been considered an unemployed layabout. Life is not just one moment-looking back at that snapshot of my life I don’t recognise it in the people DH and I are today. Same for your sister. Prayers for you both.

 

[lenni]

well…all i just wanna say is
at least she didnt get rejected by her family and was told to leave home. This happened to my friends best friend who was 16yrs.
i very much like your approach…

 

[pumpkinbeast]

well…all i just wanna say is
at least she didnt get rejected by her family and was told to leave home. This happened to my friends best friend who was 16yrs.
i very much like your approach…

She was kicked out about a year ago, over other issues…

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I was pregnant at 17. And I guess as I decided not to go to University but be with the father of my child (now DH), I would have been considered a drop-out. As my dh had no job at the time, I guess he would have been considered an unemployed layabout. Life is not just one moment-looking back at that snapshot of my life I don’t recognise it in the people DH and I are today. Same for your sister. Prayers for you both.

I hope my posts didn’t offend you or anything, and I do hope that my sister will turn her life around, like you seem to have.

 

[Brenda_V]

I’ll post more later, but just wanted to point out that we’re Canadian, I don’t think we have Medicaid. Like, we don’t need it… just need your health card, and a hospital will treat you.

Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Does that mean that pre-natal vitamins will be low cost or free?

I was thinking about your sisters response to what is going on - she is certainly feeling guilty and that is clouding how she hears things. She hears, “have you gotten any Medical care yet?” but what she hears is “you foolish child, look what you have done, you are going to bring a child into a life that is so messed up you better go see a doctor NOW”.

She doesn’t have a good relationship with your parents for what ever reason and again, this will cloud anything she says or does. She is hearing from his mom how much the baby is wanted and how pseudo-mil will help out with housing and maybe emotional support. Whether this is a good thing or not, it is her reality.

Keep on loving her and giving her what support you can, don’t be afraid to tell her you think it is a mistake to move that far away from your parents but that you will respect her decision. Be prepared to help her come back closer to home - as in start setting aside money for a bus ticket now.

Brenda V.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Hi! Just wanted to tell you that I got married and had my first baby when I was 17 years old- almost 18.

It is no walk in the park, don’t get me wrong, but it is not the hopeless situation that abortion proponents make it out to be if your sister is committed to making big sacrifices and loves and wants her baby. I went on to graduate school, and my daughter is now 18 years old herself and will graduate from high school this year. She never wanted for anything growing up. Even though we were very poor before I graduated from college, it never felt as if we lacked anything. Sure, we bought our things from garage sales and had used cars, but it never felt like poverty to me (even though it was!)

I personally believe that adoption should never be pushed by a family. I think that in perhaps 10% of cases, the mother is simply psychologically unable to parent. In many cases, though, you do harm to both the mother and child by framing adoption as the only option. I have spoken to many adoptive mothers who feel this way, and who never recovered from the grief of feeling forced to give up their children.

What your sister needs is support. A lot of it. Support to finish the task of maturing while she takes care of a baby. Get her to focus right now on adult decisions and adult goals. What career will she choose?

Another recommendation that I have is to be wary of unequal levels of commitment in the mother and father. If the father is near her age, he may not be as committed as she is. IF that is the case, I recommend putting no pressure on the father, and allowing him to leave. It will be better for all in the long run for her to be alone and open to a suitable husband who can step in than to be tied to a man who is irresponsible and uncommitted. I think in many, many cases the mother is mature enough to parent, but the father is not, and will not be for a few years.

I believe most young women at the age of 17 or 18 are designed by God to parent at this age, but that men take longer to mature. Our great-grandmothers did it and it was not considered extraordinary, it was considered normal. I had my youngest daughter at 31, and I think that is less normal than having a child at 17 (though I do admit I was much more calm and financially stable at 31, which made things much easier).

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I hope my posts didn’t offend you or anything, and I do hope that my sister will turn her life around, like you seem to have.

I just saw this… Just to let you know, as a person that supported myself and was a great mother at 17/18, and also went on to finish school and have a well-paying career- I would be very offended at your attitude, and would not want to be around you.

What is she doing now? Taking care of her self and her baby? Making good decisions for the future? If so, then how does she need to “turn her life around”?

 

[pegging]

I have just resigned as a director of a CPC. Option Line has 24/7 phone, internet support. Many CPC’s are starting programs to help the fathers, as well as the mom to be. Prayer is the foundation of caring. Loving unconditionally does not mean preaching, but helping the person with what they need at that time. Sounds like you are on the right track with both of those.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I just saw this… Just to let you know, as a person that supported myself and was a great mother at 17/18, and also went on to finish school and have a well-paying career- I would be very offended at your attitude, and would not want to be around you.

What is she doing now? Taking care of her self and her baby? Making good decisions for the future? If so, then how does she need to “turn her life around”?

**What part of Pumpkin’s story has offended you? **

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I understand how she feels. I would feel exactly the same way if my daughter were to become pregnant at this age. I would not be celebrating. I would be afraid for her future and worried about her ability to handle the responsibility. Most people would think of this situation from that perspective because we know how tough marriage is, let alone parenthood, and how hard it is for those who are much more prepared than a 17-year old. So don’t get me wrong, I do understand how she feels about her sister.

I just want to share how the world appears to a 17-year old who really wants to commit to being a mother. If she really has that commitment, then she really doesn’t need to “turn around”, she just needs to keep on doing what she’s doing- and to be respected for her commitment. If her sister feels as if she is being treated like a failure and a problem child and a mess, and someone similar to a drug addict who needs to “turn their life around”, it is likely to make her very resentful and to feel alienated, and to gravitate to someone who she feels is more respectful of her- like her MIL (without the law).

One of the barriers that our society has to truly being pro-life is the assumption that early marriages and young pregnancies are all marks of failure. Really, that’s something that is relatively new to our culture, and has been ushered in by feminist ideals that value early sexual experimentation with many partners before commitment, and value independence over the family, and the world of work over parenting. These ideas foster irresponsibility and a lack of commitment in young people because they buy the idea that they can’t be expected to be good parents until they are at least 25. What I am saying is that though the pregnancy was not planned, you can take responsibility, make a commitment, and be successful with a good support system. Think of how differently we would look at this if the parents were 24 and 25. It would be a situation to confess to a priest, and then follow up with marriage, and the parents would not be considered the type that need to “turn their lives around”, as if they were petty thieves.

There is a great deal of hostility, shame, and prejudice directed toward young mothers. I remember when I had my oldest daughter, at first her pediatrician was very rude and condescending to me, and then over the months as she saw me more and more that all disappeared, and she realized I was just as good of a mother as an older mother. Just saying- this is how the world looks to her sister.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I just saw this… Just to let you know, as a person that supported myself and was a great mother at 17/18, and also went on to finish school and have a well-paying career- I would be very offended at your attitude, and would not want to be around you.

What is she doing now? Taking care of her self and her baby? Making good decisions for the future? If so, then how does she need to “turn her life around”?

It sounds like you had things under control at 17, which is great! If my sister was like you, I certainly wouldn’t be worried. The problems are these: she’s not married (like you were), seems to be disinterested in even completing high-school(unlike you), and, judging from her current track record, I’m not sure how committed she will be to being a parent. I dunno, maybe she’ll surprise me, and I really hope she does, for her own sake, and the sake of my neice/nephew, but right now, her future doesn’t look ANYTHING like yours did. Having babies at 17 isn’t the issue, the issues are everything I outline above. Obviously, you are a living example of how to do it the right way. Sorry if I offended you, none was meant. What I mean by ‘turning her life around’ is actually making some good decisions, which she hasn’t yet, as far as I know.

 

[kage_ar]

One thing, when the time presents itself, suggest she at least consider placing her baby for adoption (the way you phrase it is important, you place a baby - when people say “give up” the baby, that can come across as a negative thing…)

Prayers!!!

 

[Angels_Unaware]

It sounds like you had things under control at 17, which is great! If my sister was like you, I certainly wouldn’t be worried. The problems are these: she’s not married (like you were), seems to be disinterested in even completing high-school(unlike you), and, judging from her current track record, I’m not sure how committed she will be to being a parent. I dunno, maybe she’ll surprise me, and I really hope she does, for her own sake, and the sake of my neice/nephew, but right now, her future doesn’t look ANYTHING like yours did. Having babies at 17 isn’t the issue, the issues are everything I outline above. Obviously, you are a living example of how to do it the right way. Sorry if I offended you, none was meant. What I mean by ‘turning her life around’ is actually making some good decisions, which she hasn’t yet, as far as I know.

I completely understand your concern and pain for your sister! She is very lucky to have you. Just keep emphasizing that whether or not she parents this baby is a life-changing decision, and she must be willing to follow through with her commitment.

 

[yessisan]

One thing, when the time presents itself, suggest she at least consider placing her baby for adoption (the way you phrase it is important, you place a baby - when people say “give up” the baby, that can come across as a negative thing…)

But why consider adoption when abortion isn’t on her mind? I understand that she’s young, but what if she wants to raise her baby herself?

Either way, I feel bad for PB’s sister. She’s way too young to be in this situation for the maturity PB has presented to us. I hope her parents will help her sooner than later. She’s going to need a lot of love and support and I’m so happy to hear PB is trying her best!

You’re awesome PB!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

But why consider adoption when abortion isn’t on her mind? I understand that she’s young, but what if she wants to raise her baby herself?

Either way, I feel bad for PB’s sister. She’s way too young to be in this situation for the maturity PB has presented to us. I hope her parents will help her sooner than later. She’s going to need a lot of love and support and I’m so happy to hear PB is trying her best!

You’re awesome PB!

Aw, thanks Yessi…

Unfortunately, I ran smack into reality yesterday… I saw my sister briefly when my mom dropped off some food to them… I was reminded of why she was kicked out of the house in the first place: she is caustic, rude, and lazy(a trait her bf shares as well), and pregnancy hasn’t seemed to change her, yet. sigh She might need love and support, but I don’t know if she will accept them from me. Oh well, I’ve offered her my help, if she wants it. She can take it or leave it.

 

[Brenda_V]

Aw, thanks Yessi…

Unfortunately, I ran smack into reality yesterday… I saw my sister briefly when my mom dropped off some food to them… I was reminded of why she was kicked out of the house in the first place: she is caustic, rude, and lazy(a trait her bf shares as well), and pregnancy hasn’t seemed to change her, yet. sigh She might need love and support, but I don’t know if she will accept them from me. Oh well, I’ve offered her my help, if she wants it. She can take it or leave it.

At this point, just give her your love from a distance until she asks for help - pray for her, offer up all your own discomforts and worries for your future to God for her.

RE: suggesting adoption if she is not wanting abortion, it is not a bad decision even then. Some girls come in and just aren’t ready in any way to be a mother and it will be a long time before they are ready to parent a child so sharing a child through adoption is the best for both, it is hard no matter what choice the girl makes but parenting a child or having someone else parent the child through adoption are both valid ideas.