I completely agree. However, the OP stated that she read the texts without asking her daughter, decided that the texts were proof that something was going on and confronted her daughter - already having the opinion that something was going on. Her daughter denied it, and even if her daughter was telling the truth, the OP started from the assumption that her daughter is probably lying. The OP broke the mutual trust between mother and daughter first.
It’s 2010. It doesn’t matter if back in the day men had to be older by 3 years than a woman. Thirteen year old girls are barely able to handle their social lives, let alone dating an older person, or dating AT ALL. Most teenagers nowadays are not equipped to be in sexual/romantic relationships, nor should they be encouraged at young ages in our culture. Just because a 13 year old girl has a woman’s body doesn’t mean she has a woman’s MIND!
No, ALL parents on this forum do not think that ALL 17 year old boys cannot be trusted. That is a ridiculous assertion. But some parents on this forum HAVE BEEN 17 year old boys and some have been 13 year old girls as well as knowing 17 year old boys. We have a world of experience that young people do not have. Of COURSE some 17 year old boys are honorable. That in and of itself is not the problem. It is the 13 year old girl’s age and stage that are the problem. **A 17 year old boy should be with others HIS OWN AGE, not a girl in early middle school. **I think one of the most telling things to come out of this thread is that all parents on this forum think that all 17 year old boys are only after one thing and cannot be trusted.
I completely agree - and the minute the other parents found you over there - the first question should have been do your parents know where you are - how dare anyone usurp your parents authority (as long as they were not being abusive)
Could not of said it better myself. You would be crazy not to be concearned about this!
I don’t think anyone is arguing against that. What I would like to re-assert however is that there is no evidence of dating. The mother, who appears to be over-protective by my standards, read some texts and decided they were inappropriate, and confronted the daughter who said there was nothing going on. So now the mother has decided to take from that the assumption that the 17 year old IS interested in her. The title of this thread is misleading, it should be “I fear that this 17yr old is interested in my 13yr old daughter”.
I think we may also ned to entertain the fact that there is a difference between an American 17 year old who is still a kid who is not anywhere close to discerning marriage as he is in his Junior or Senior of High School and cannot legally move out of his parents home and a 13 year old in America who is in Middle School - and the fact that in most states a relationship of a sexual nature between these two is illegal.
Wouldn’t matter to me if the 17 year old was interested in my daughter or not, its the fact that inappropriate texts have been sent to my 13 year old. If the 13 year old finds the inappropriate texts acceptable, then there is an entirely different issue that needs to be addressed, no matter the intentions of this particular 17 year old. The girl in question could be headed for a very dangerous situation, if someone doesn’t speak to her now about what is appropriate and not inappropriate when it comes to the attention of the opposite sex, especially when there is such an age difference with the girl being still in middle school. If its not this 17 year old, it could very well be another 17 year old or one much older than is only after one thing and one thing only.
Yes, I see what you’re saying. The trust issue can be a chicken or egg question. If we were trustworthy parents, we’d make sure our children understood what behavior was unacceptable, make sure they understood the consequences of repeating that behavior, and if the behavior was repeated, be consistent in applying the consequences. That way our children would realize that we were not just responding randomly. Unfortunately we often act unpredictably. Sometimes we look the other way, then next time we react too strongly. Sometimes, we’re all over the place. Most of us are doing the best we know how. My hope is that you will have a chance to do it better than your parents and my children will have a chance to do it better than I.But what about her trusting her mother back? How can she trust her mother who is calling her a liar and is invading her privacy?
I think that there is a fine line between protecting your children and smoothering them in cotton wool. While I understand the concern, the action should be in communication with the daughter/children rather than policing their every move. Trust should be both ways, and parents should trust their child as well as the child trusting them. How is the child expected to trust their parents by talking to them about what is going on, when they know the parent isn’t trusting them back? This plan of action will only push them away. And as a 20-year old who has only just moved away from parents who tried to be this controlling, I can guarentee it. But, I wasn’t close to my parents anyway because of other issues.
[By the way, I have read your reply to my thread but I’m not sure how to reply to it. I am currently trying to reflect on the issues myself, re-reading everyones advice and praying before I speak to others about this further. I do appreciate your bluntness hwoever.]
The thing is though, we don’t know the content of those texts. The texts may well have been a friendly, joking conversation with no flirting involved for all we know - an over-protective parent may still well take that to be “inappropriate” that there was any contact whatsoever between them - or take a joking friendly conversation as flirty. We already know the parent thinks its okay to read her daughter’s texts, so she comes across to me as someone who is already controlling about who her daughter speaks to or not.
I think it might really be a matter of that you haven’t had kids yet. I trust my daughter, but I don’t always trust some of the people that try to befriend her. I have read her texts from time to time. I have passwords to her email accounts and both me and my husband will randomly check her conversations if a new friend suddenly pops up in her contacts. Especially if her behavior has changed with a sudden new friendship. Trust is not just a blanket statement, you don’t just give all trust, all the time to your child. Sometimes trust is a case by case decision. My daughter’s friends have to earn my trust just as much as she has had to do her whole life. When it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, you don’t just blindly trust your child to have free rein. You don’t just throw them out there to learn their own way in relationships with just anybody that comes along and expresses an interest in your child.
