18 and his gf...need help asap

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lovedbyHim

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18 yr old son living at home ( and will be for all 4 yrs college). Things getting too hot and heavy with 16 yr old gf. Takes car and goes where he says but leaves for her house where mom allows them to be in her bedroom. She drinks, posts provacative, though clothed, pictures on FB and other things not consistent with morals and values our son had until a few months ago.

Due to the fact he has taken my car and lied, gone to her house, which I asked him not to do due to the she is a minor and no parental supervision and I have learned by his own word he and her are lying on her bed and her drinking I told him I do not want him to see her anymore.

He is asking for another chance, to change, to be honest, to get her to stop drinking, dressing provacatively, swearing, using other boys against him, etc. I told him she was like this before he met her and women in her family are the same way and she can’t be changed. Its sad for her too. Also, he should not have to change someone.

He has followed me around the house for the last 12 hours with the exception of two where he finally stopped talking and fell asleep next to me because I said I was done talking (hours earlier). My husband is extremely stressed at work and I want to handle this myself.

Do I let him have a second chance?
 
Personally, I wouldn’t.

Right now he is acting like a 2 year old in the check out line. Following you around and moping/whining? Get real.

Until he starts acting 18, takes responsibility for his actions, cools it off with this girl, I wouldn’t back down.
 
now is the time for you, husband and adult son to sit down and negotiate the rules for the next 4 yrs in which he will be living, at your pleasure in your house. I mean negotiate as in you lay down the law and he complies or moves out while you withdraw financial support including tuition. Manipulative? ubetcha
 
Hi there. My children are still small, but I want you to have some kind of response, so I’ll give my little two cents worth. Hopefully a mother or father of grown children will post here soon.

I do remember my early college days, though, and my mom strongly advising me to break up with that first college boyfriend was a godsend. Of couse at the time I thought she didn’t understand, etc, but after a few months away from him my perspective matured (a little anyway!), I met other young men and lost interest in that first guy.

My inexperienced but gut instinct would be to not allow him to date her while he’s living with you. He’s not going to be able to change her! She may change at some point in her development, but that’s not how he needs to spend his dating years! Besides, at this stage in life, she’s too young for him! 2 years between a couple in their twenties is nothing, but one in college and one only 16 is, I think, too much. They are in two different phases of life. I would tell your son he needs to raise his standards a little, that there are lots of great young ladies out there. And that’s just it…he needs to realize that as a young man, he should be looking for a beautiful, dignified young LADY, not a high school party girl.

I’m trying to think about what movies,etc, could help convince him to raise his standards. show him the value and courage of a pure and modest young lady. One from EWTN’s Theater of the Word comes to mind, about that virgin martyr. I’ll post again when I think of the name of it. It tells the story, very well, of a tough guy coming to respect purity and God.

God Bless you as you love and guide your son!
 
“Hi there. My children are still small, but I want you to have some kind of response, so I’ll give my little two cents worth. Hopefully a mother or father of grown children will post here soon.”

By this quote above, I didn’t mean to Ignore those first two posts! I agree with you guys! Yes! It’s just that when I started my post, there were not yet any others. ( I’m taking care of little children, using an iPhone with a slow connection, and still new to this forum–as you can see I don’t even have that quote mechanism figured out yet!-- so it takes me an annoyingly long time yo finish a post!)
 
lovedbyHim said:
18 yr old son living at home ( and will be for all 4 yrs college). Things getting too hot and heavy with 16 yr old gf. Takes car and goes where he says but leaves for her house where mom allows them to be in her bedroom. She drinks, posts provacative, though clothed, pictures on FB and other things not consistent with morals and values our son had until a few months ago.

Due to the fact he has taken my car and lied, gone to her house, which I asked him not to do due to the she is a minor and no parental supervision and I have learned by his own word he and her are lying on her bed and her drinking I told him I do not want him to see her anymore.

He is asking for another chance, to change, to be honest, to get her to stop drinking, dressing provacatively, swearing, using other boys against him, etc. I told him she was like this before he met her and women in her family are the same way and she can’t be changed. Its sad for her too. Also, he should not have to change someone.

He has followed me around the house for the last 12 hours with the exception of two where he finally stopped talking and fell asleep next to me because I said I was done talking (hours earlier). My husband is extremely stressed at work and I want to handle this myself.

Do I let him have a second chance?
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No. He lied and lost the use of your car. When he’s going to get it back depends on when he decides to act like a grown-up, but that is a second chance he is going to have to earn.

As for changing her, grown men do not try to change the women they court. They find women whom they can accept and respect as they are. He has no right to try to change her in order to suit you. He would do well to get rid of that habit of thought right now.

Moreover, he’d better figure out that he can also lose his free room and board. He has a financially advantageous set-up, but it comes at the price of living by the house rules…rules, I might add, which apply to every adult in the house. You and your husband do not say you are going one place, and then go another place you have agreed to avoid. You do not keep friends who use drugs or alcohol illegally or irresponsibly. In other words, you’re not expecting your 18 year old to stay a child. You’re expecting him to act like an adult if he wants to be treated like one.

If he wants to date that girl, he’s going to have to realize that he’ll have to get the money to support himself if he wants to do it. Otherwise, the price of living at your house is living by the rules that you and your husband live by and to pitch in, as a student, in the same way that the other working adults do. That is not too much to ask. It would be a perfectly acceptable arrangement between two twenty-year-old roommates.
 
Also, remind him that he shouldn’t be involved with ANYONE underage. If an 18 year old engages in premarital sex with a 16 year old, the 18 year old can and end up being a registered sex offender. He’s playing with fire and now that he’s 18 he can get seriously burned. There are numerous horror stories of sour breakups, he’s probably heard them. Good luck.
 
You might remind him that now that he is 18 she is what is known uncharitably as “jail bait”. And should the drinking on her bed get out of hand and lead to sex, he has no idea what she might accuse him of if she gets mad at him for some reason. She sounds like someone who is capable of pulling something like that.

Alternatively, you could require him to see her only at your house when you are home and in the same vicinity - no bedrooms. My guess is she would get tired of him very quickly under those rules and the problem might solve itself.
 
18 years old & living at home, your house, your rules.

18 year old should not have keys to your car. Period. Driving is a privilege at his age.

16 year old GF is still a minor and requires supervision.

If you allow your son to be with this 16 year old GF, it must be under your roof & under your rules since the girls mother allows these 2 kids to be in her bedroom. Sounds like she lets her kid do whatever she wants.
Due to the fact he has taken my car and lied,
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Do not leave your keys out for him to take, and if he does that again, consequence for his actions.
Do I let him have a second chance?
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Absolutely not.

You give him an inch, he’ll ask for a mile. You give him a 2nd chance and he will not take your seriously in the future.

Teenage love can be so crazy at times.

Your son has disobeyed your requests so far and you need stay on your toes.

Like I said… perhaps you want to allow the GF to be at **your **house where you can supervise/monitor their situation/date.

Other than that, I would not allow your son to go to her place, **unless **you want to embarrass him and escort him there and be with him & the GF while they hang out… 😛
 
If he hasn’t heard any true-life stories of where “he says, she says” can get him, he needs to.

A woman who is willing to pit one suitor against another should be given a very wide berth. A young man cannot learn this too young. There are even women of formerly high principles who have done some unbelievably hurtful and vindictive things when in the wrath of a love affair that did not go their way. That “hell hath no fury” cliche became well-worn for a reason. What the ones without principles do on a regular basis is enough to give any man pause, at least if he has any sense at all.

I’m not saying this to put down our gender, but to point out that those who venture into the field of romantic love would do well to choose fellow participants very strictly, based on their standards of conduct, as romance is a part of the human experience that tries even the truest souls.

The OP’s son can attest to that. He knows what “love” did to his own moral standards. What does he suppose it might do to someone who didn’t get the advantage of those boundaries from her parents?
 
It is the nature of the young to question us parents and resent the control we hold over them. Many young people respond by lying to parents, so they can do what they want. Your son has already demonstrated that he is willing to do this. Your response needs to be two pronged.

Absolutely stick to “your house your rules.” I have older children and they know I mean business when I say it is a privilege to live in my house, one that comes with responsibility to live by my rules.

But you can’t stop there. Your son needs to also know that you understand his feelings and care about them. And I can tell that you do by your wanting to give him a second chance. My advice is to ask your son to tell you exactly what it is that he sees in this relationship. Force him to justify it. Why does he want to continue? What does he see in her and what does the relationship offer him? Force him to be detailed don’t let him give brief and vague answers such as, “I like her.” If he says that then ask him, “what do you like about her?” Ask him these questions, and here is the most important part: shut up and really listen.

I have always found that when I actually listen to my children, the path I need to take next, to steer them in the right direction, becomes clearer to me.

Hopefully when you process with your son, the benefits and the risks of continuing his relationship with this young girl, he may come to understand it’s not worth it, or at the very least he will be clear on why you don’t approve.

Ultimately you can lay down the law, but you can’t hover over him 24/7 to enforce it. So you must also work through the issue to help him see that it is in his best interest to do as you say.

And NEVER make a threat you are not willing to follow through with. So if you said you were going to take away the car, you must take it away. You can and should, however, offer him a way to earn back the privilege.

I hope I have helped. May God bless you all.
 
He’ll act like a man when you treat him like one. As for the old “my house my rules” be careful with that. If you aren’t willing to watch him walk out the door, don’t play that card.
 
While I agree with other posters that this relationship sounds like bad news, I wanted to suggest a different approach to talking with your son about it.

Even though the only information the OP gave us about this girl is negative, it is possible that she has some positive qualities, and it sounds like the boy has feelings for her. I think it might helpful to acknowledge his feelings. Have a little sympathy for him that his first experience with love is ending badly.

As a teenager, he really isn’t able to see the long term yet-- and he doesn’t have enough life experience to know that the girl probably isn’t going to change her ways. He may look at her and think, “I’m a nice guy, I could be a good influence on her.” He doesn’t know yet that her parents are letting her go down a dangerous road, and that his influence isn’t nearly as strong as theirs. In short, he is still starry-eyed and at an age where he thinks everything can work out OK as long as they “LOVE” each other.

I would speak gently to him, tell him I am sorry that his heart is broken. That you know how it feels to break up with someone, etc. But then remind him that there are plenty of girls out there, and there is someone who is just right for him without having to “change” her ways.

Be sympathetic, but stand your ground.
 
lovedbyHim]18 yr old son living at home ( and will be for all 4 yrs college). [/quote] To me said:
If an 18 year old engages in premarital sex with a 16 year old, the 18 year old can and end up being a registered sex offender.
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This depends on the state. In some, 16 is considered the age of consent. In many others, there is a clause for individuals within 2 years of age (either making it legal or downgrading it to a misdemeanor which would not require registration). This also presumes fornication, since “dating” someone underage would not be illegal.

But if it is illegal where the OP lives, I would recommend making sure that he’s aware of that and that I would turn him into the police if I had proof of illegal activity (as I would with any illegal activity).
 
CoffeeHound said:
But if it is illegal where the OP lives, I would recommend making sure that he’s aware of that and that I would turn him into the police if I had proof of illegal activity (as I would with any illegal activity).
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WOW!!! I would never turn my 18 yr old son into the police for fornicating with a willing 16 yr old girlfriend. Especially since he might carry the label of sex offender for the rest of his life.
 
momor said:
WOW!!! I would never turn my 18 yr old son into the police for fornicating with a willing 16 yr old girlfriend. Especially since he might carry the label of sex offender for the rest of his life.
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But, would you threaten it?

I don’t know if I could do it, either. Luckily I’ve never been in that position.
 
CoffeeHound said:
But, would you threaten it?

I don’t know if I could do it, either. Luckily I’ve never been in that position.
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No, I would not even threaten it. Let me also add that I would not turn in my 16 yr old daughter’s 18 yr old boyfriend if I knew it was consensual.
 
lovedbyHim said:
Do I let him have a second chance?
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**Yes, give him a second chance.

**And this is what the second chance will look like: You tell him that if he and his little whorette want to play house then he has 30 days to move out and find his own house or you will throw him out. Tomorrow is day 1 and counting.

For extra flair, telephone the nearest locksmith while he is still standing there and ask for an estimate.
 
Lutheranteach said:
He’ll act like a man when you treat him like one. As for the old “my house my rules” be careful with that. If you aren’t willing to watch him walk out the door, don’t play that card.
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i agree. if you want him to act like an adult, treat him like one. don’t just outright impose your authority. tell him what you want to happen and explain why. try to win him with reason first. the worst thing that could happen is you force your child to rebel because you’re imposing your authority over him when he wants to do something else.

should you give him a second chance? i would say yes. make him feel that you trust him that he will do the right thing. the less you make him feel that you trust him, the more likely he will have ill feelings towards you. he will feel that not only did he lose his girl, his mom doesn’t trust him.
 
Let’s not forget reason here. Turning 18 may be a legal milestone, but it does not magically confer a maturity and responsibility that the child was assumed not to posess a week before at 17.
Maturity is a process, not an event. To throw an 18 yr old out of the house when that would not have happened a month prior at 17 is not loving or responsible, it’s a legality.
 
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