18 and his gf...need help asap

[monicatholic]

---

now is the time for you, husband and adult son to sit down and negotiate the rules for the next 4 yrs in which he will be living, at your pleasure in your house. I mean negotiate as in you lay down the law and he complies or moves out while you withdraw financial support including tuition. Manipulative? ubetcha

i don’t think this is the least bit manipulative. i think it’s freedom.

my husband and i are free to finance only that which we find conscienable.

my adult kids are free to make their own choices.

of my 1 adult daughter and 4 adult sons, 2 of the sons left because of house expectations. it was hard and sad, but they were free to do it. do we still love them? of course. did we sever communication? prayers? friendliness? listening ear? sounding board? guidance if the seek it? absolutely not. we only severed the cash flow.

 

[EasterJoy]

To me, this is your problem. Some will argue “my house, my rules” as carte blanche to act as his master and dictate his life, but that is not really appropriate for an adult and will lead to revolt and resentment, especially when he is 22.

Instead, I think you need to balance his freedoms as an adult and his obligations as a dependent. For instance, I wouldn’t tell him that he couldn’t date the girl, but I would tell him that she can’t come over to my house, that he cannot use my car to visit her, and that he can’t use my provided cell phone to call her. If he wants to call, he needs to get a job and pay for his own phone. If he wants to visit, he needs to buy his own car. If he wants to see her in his room, he needs to get his own apartment.

Yes. After all, your description of “our house, our rules” is something that other 22 year-olds will impose, as well, were they his roommates. There aren’t many who will loan their roommate their car again after he lies about how he was going to use it the last time. A great many won’t give any material support to a roommate who wants to date someone they can’t stand–not so much as borrowing their cell phone. They would all expect that he’d do household chores. He’d be on his own with them, too…only with them, he’d pay rent and room and board, too.

There isn’t anything wrong with having house rules that many 22 year-olds would chafe at. As a parent, I wouldn’t sit in judgment of a son who wants to move out and make his own rules. Actually, I’d make it clear that I fully expect that day will eventually come. This is how a young man knows it is time to get a place of his own. For some, it happens at 18; for some, at 22; for some, later.

 

[Catholic90]

WOW!!! I would never turn my 18 yr old son into the police for fornicating with a willing 16 yr old girlfriend. Especially since he might carry the label of sex offender for the rest of his life.

You may not, but would the girl’s parents, or would the girl IF things suddenly went sour? That is what no one knows. Best not to tempt it.

 

[MtnDwellar]

Taking what you wrote and filling some blanks with typical behaviors that I have witnessed in other teens, I make the following conclusion:

The boy is immature. When I was 18 I wanted nothing to do with high school girls. The thought of taking them to prom or homecoming was unfathomable. Because he is driving your car, I assume that he does not have a job. He should have to work while in school. Your car can only be used for necessities, which are basically going to school or looking for a job.

He should be acting like a man. That means that he does not seek your approval for chosing who he dates or who his friends are. Although he is living under your roof, there are some rules that you should not have to make. By this time in his life he should be capable of making proper decisions in these areas. If he has not learned by now, then he will have to learn the hard way.

He followed his mother around the house for 12 hours and then fell asleep next to her? Is that boy still tied to the apron strings? It is time to cut the strings.

 

[lovedbyHim]

OP here…

Thank you to all the people who replied. Yes, he is trying to manipulate me big time. I drove him to work and he wanted to hold my hand! Awkward! I didn’t want to make him feel bad and pull away so I asked him why he was holding my hand since he hasn’t held it since 2nd grade. I then let him know I love him…

Looking at her most recent FB photos posted couple of days ago… drinking (in her native foreign country where it is legal at her age) more drinking with family (which he tries to justify) and lots of clevage from her, her mom and aunt (who is a major role model). No, this child has no father here and her mom is clueless and her aunt… well I will maintain my dignity and go no further. She would have to separate herself from her friends, family, buy new clothes, and soapsuds for her mouth. Not gonna happen!

He is convinced that by talking to her and only seeing her in a group with friends will change everything for the better. I am not willing to be a hall monitor each time they are together. I feel that restricting their contact may stop the incidences in her bedroom but SHE will still be part of the equation.

This is going to be the hardest thing I have had to do in along time… break my son’s heart. Please pray for our family and “her” also.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Screening his girlfriends and having the final yay or nay doesn’t seem like a reasonable thing for a mom to be doing for her son. Chaperone and let them see each other at your house but forbidding your adult son from dating someone doesn’t seem like the wisest move you can make.

 

[lovedbyHim]

Screening his girlfriends and having the final yay or nay doesn’t seem like a reasonable thing for a mom to be doing for her son. Chaperone and let them see each other at your house but forbidding your adult son from dating someone doesn’t seem like the wisest move you can make.

Even when he is clearly making mistakes that can land him in HUGE trouble… i.e. in her room alone with her door closed and he admits laying next to her on her bed… what am I supposed to do then? Wait for a pregnancy or the police to arrest him for rape? Even if they don’t have sex, what they are doing NOW is wrong. She drinks, she dresses like a hooker, talks like a sailor and is dragging my son down the hole with her. This is not the first time I have had issues with her… she totaled her car with my son in it while texting and more!

Now he is calling me every 5 mins from work telling me how heartless and cruel I am because I won’t let him have a chance to change himself and her.

I don’t want to give him the chance to be sneaky and lie. He cannot change who she is short of giving her a new brain and personality. Then he says maybe the three of us can have a talk about what needs to change. I AM NOT HER MOTHER! AGGGGHHHHA

 

[CoffeeHound]

what am I supposed to do then? Wait for a pregnancy or the police to arrest him for rape?

He’s an adult, that’s his decision and he’ll pay the consequences for it. All you can do is advice and not assist him by giving him a car, phone, etc.

I still can’t get past the comment that he wanted to hold your hand. Most teenagers past age 14 or so don’t want anything to do with their parents. Why is he so needy? Is it possible that you’re coddling him?

 

[EasterJoy]

He’s an adult, that’s his decision and he’ll pay the consequences for it. All you can do is advice and not assist him by giving him a car, phone, etc.

I still can’t get past the comment that he wanted to hold your hand. Most teenagers past age 14 or so don’t want anything to do with their parents. Why is he so needy? Is it possible that you’re coddling him?

He’s not trying to hold her hand. He’s lovesick, and he’s grasping at straws.

 

[lovedbyHim]

He’s not trying to hold her hand. He’s lovesick, and he’s grasping at straws.

one word…desperation. He knows I don’t want him to see her and he is desparate to do anything. That was his way of showing me that he loves me and will do anything I say to keep seeing her.

And believe me, if he screws up, he loses car, phone, tv, etc privledges. No coddling in this house. Especially not with my husband!

 

[mamacita]

**While I only have young children (oldest will be 12 in Aug.), I will give my opinion but you can disregard since I’m not the mom of a teen yet.

First off, my mom always taught/told us that driving is a privilege not a right. When you abuse that privilege, you have to EARN it back. NO matter what your age is. I bought my own car at 18 yo w/out any financial help from my parents, etc. None! However they still had the right to take the keys to MY car since I lived under THEIR roof. So no, taking the car is not unreasonable, esp since it is YOUR car.

Secondly, she is 16, he is 18. If I were you I’d stress over and over again that you love him (not saying you don’t do this already) and that you don’t wanna see him be a daddy at 19 yo. Tell him he may think he can stop things from going too far but it’s not always possible. I got pregnant at 20, by a boyfriend, and this was the same guy that said he wanted me to stay a virgin and he was so proud to have found a ‘good girl’ finally. What did he do? Everything he could to try and get me in bed, and yes, I fell for it all–the lines, the flowers, the sweet cards, the shopping sprees on his dime, etc. NOT saying your son would do this, BUT
SHE could try to lure him in just to ‘keep him.’ He needs to be very careful, he could end up in jail if something more happens than what already has. Where are they getting the alcohol?? He’s only 18 and she is 16, so who’s supplying it for them? I sure hope it’s not her mother.

Also, you could meet w/ the both of them and tell her how you feel about her clothes, language, drinking, etc. but will it work? I guess it never hurts to try but I would def. not let the two of them alone, then again how do you make sure he has friends w/ them when out when he has your car? You won’t know…guess you just have to trust him but he’s violated that so it’s hard to do. I just don’t know what else you can do, make sure he earns the right to use your car is the first step I guess. Is she Catholic?

To those who say he is 18 and an adult…yes, he is but until he acts like one and earns it, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like one. Kids these days are taking longer and longer to act like mature adults in my opinion.
There is another thread under ‘family life’ from this year where another mother has the same situation w/ her son, you should find it and talk w/ her maybe, it wasn’t too long ago I remember reading thru it. Good luck!! Practice ‘tough love’ on him, he’ll learn in the long run that it’s for his own good.**

 

[Lutheranteach]

I will also say this kind of situation is why I am a huge believer of GOING AWAY to college. I think it does wonders for both the parents and the kid.

 

[stringbeanduck]

Have you explained to him what dating is about? Ask him does he really see him self having a future with this girl?

I tell you what. Girls at this age are a waste of time when it comes to dating. Big waste of time! And same goes for guys. Both genders are brainless for that matter.

 

[mamacita]

Have you explained to him what dating is about? Ask him does he really see him self having a future with this girl?

I tell you what**. Girls at this age are a waste of time when it comes to dating. Big waste of time! And same goes for guys**. Both genders are brainless for that matter.

**I have to say I somewhat agree w/ this. My mom always told us, “if you can’t see yourself married to the person for the rest of your life, then you should not even be dating them.”

To OP, ask your son, is this the woman he could see himself w/ for his entire life? If not, then why is he seeing her? I think dating at 16 is silly since you can’t marry til at least 18 (hopefully later than that tho), so then you date for years and end up ‘in trouble.’ My grandpa always told us, ‘when you date for TOO long, that’s when trouble happens (meaning sex).’ I think I have to agree w/ that, esp. when you start dating so young. Sixteen doesn’t sound too young, but it is when you really think about it—esp since you won’t be getting married for a pretty long time, kwim?? Just my :twocents:**

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

**I have to say I somewhat agree w/ this. My mom always told us, “if you can’t see yourself married to the person for the rest of your life, then you should not even be dating them.” **

To OP, ask your son, is this the woman he could see himself w/ for his entire life? If not, then why is he seeing her? I think dating at 16 is silly since you can’t marry til at least 18 (hopefully later than that tho), so then you date for years and end up ‘in trouble.’ My grandpa always told us, ‘when you date for TOO long, that’s when trouble happens (meaning sex).’ I think I have to agree w/ that, esp. when you start dating so young. Sixteen doesn’t sound too young, but it is when you really think about it—esp since you won’t be getting married for a pretty long time, kwim?? Just my :twocents:

 

[gmarie21]

OP, do you know anyone (particularly male) who has been down the missionary dating road before? Granted, you’re son may not be trying to convert her to a particular faith, but he (according to what he’s told you) is trying to convert her to better behavior. That will lead to failure and massive heartbreak for him moreso than for her. I have seen this kid of dating too many times (I have done this myself). The person who gets hurt in this situation is always the one trying to help the other become a better person. Find a male close to his age whose opinion he’d respect who has tried the missionary dating route in addition to all other things you plan on doing. If he does not learn now that this type of dating does not work, he will rinse and repeat this same relationship over and over again, though the problems each girl has may be different in appearance.

 

[sanctamaria17]

From experience: Missionary dating does NOT work.

Second, if she’s a minor and they’re doing inappropriate things, he could be charged for statutory rape (unless sixteen is consent in your area). If things go bad or the parents decide they don’t like him, he could be charged. It is very unwise to allow this.

As for the “acting like a man”, if you’re on your parents’ complete financial support, they’re entitled to having rules. My parents respect that my life is my own, but I’m the one paying for my rent! I’m the one paying for my fun things! At this point, it’s only tuition and health insurance and those will be gone by next year!

If he can’t be responsible with your possessions and, in fact, is using them as an aid to irresponsibility and mortal sin, all bets are off. If he really wants to be independent in that regard, he can buy his own car. He should be the one accountable. Not you.

 

[lovedbyHim]

UPDATE: Dad really gave him a piece of his mind and told him their relationship is over with no more contact. It’s funny how with his dad he beats his chest like a gorilla and fluffs up his tail feathers (figuritivly) and with me its sobbing and crying and please don’t break my heart.

He is now writing a petition to his father that actually has a point I don’t know how to argue with.

His first gf, (current is his 2nd) went into his place of work at the mall, with mommy waiting outside, rudely told him she didnt want to see him ever again (in front of employees and customers) and to never contact him. He was crushed. Sick as a neglected puppy for a week. She never told him why. He later concluded through friends that he had rules and morals and she wanted none of that. She wanted a bad boy. We all were flabergasted on how cruel and fickle she was and how never even telling him what she felt the problem was and never talking to him again was just outright wrong. Of course, we are grateful that she did end it because she never treated him kindly.

His point- we are making him do to current gf what old one did to him. We were so appalled by her behaviour and choice of the way she ended the relationship, but we are expecting him to do the same. He says this girl treats him better than the last one and we should give him a chance to tell her what we don’t like. (We have been telling HIM all along, he just never relayed the messages, so to speak). If she doesn’t change for him, she doesn’t love him and he will end it.

MY point- I told him he will hide any indiscretion or problems because that will mean he will have to end it. DUH! He says no, no. no, he sees now what path he was on and doesn’t want to go that way anymore.

I told him to go ahead and write his dad a letter but I am sticking by what his father tells him.

GF would have to-
ONLY SEE HIM AT OUR HOME IN FAMILY ROOM OR BASEMENT ONLY IF FRIENDS ARE ALSO PRESENT.
NO POOL
NEVER AT HER HOUSE (I would be calling her mother to confirm this)
REMOVE ALL FACEBOOK PHOTOS THAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE IN OUR OPINON
STOP SWEARING
SON’S PHONE WOULD HAVE HER NUMBER BLOCKED WHILE SHE IS IN SCHOOL (because she cannot restrain herself and texts constantly during class.)
SHE IS NOT TO BE AT HIS CAMPUS
NO VISITING HIM AT HIS JOBS
NO SHORT SHORTS, MICRO MINIS AND TIGHT LOW CUT TANK TOPS
STOP USING OTHER BOYS AGAINST HIM
NO DRINKING AT ALL EVEN IF WITH FAMILY
NO INAPPROPRIATE TEXTING

What 16 yr old girl is going to say ok with all that? And how much is he going to share with her? And for how long are they going to act like saints. And what, only around parents?

And yes, SHE IS CATHOLIC- goes to mass most Sundays- she’s probably the one in the balcony with the short skirt on…

 

[momor]

Now get him to write out the consequences for violating the rules he has set down and hold him to it.

 

[gmarie21]

UPDATE: Dad really gave him a piece of his mind and told him their relationship is over with no more contact. It’s funny how with his dad he beats his chest like a gorilla and fluffs up his tail feathers (figuritivly) and with me its sobbing and crying and please don’t break my heart.

He is now writing a petition to his father that actually has a point I don’t know how to argue with.

His first gf, (current is his 2nd) went into his place of work at the mall, with mommy waiting outside, rudely told him she didnt want to see him ever again (in front of employees and customers) and to never contact him. He was crushed. Sick as a neglected puppy for a week. She never told him why. He later concluded through friends that he had rules and morals and she wanted none of that. She wanted a bad boy. We all were flabergasted on how cruel and fickle she was and how never even telling him what she felt the problem was and never talking to him again was just outright wrong. Of course, we are grateful that she did end it because she never treated him kindly.

His point- we are making him do to current gf what old one did to him. We were so appalled by her behaviour and choice of the way she ended the relationship, but we are expecting him to do the same. He says this girl treats him better than the last one and we should give him a chance to tell her what we don’t like. (We have been telling HIM all along, he just never relayed the messages, so to speak). If she doesn’t change for him, she doesn’t love him and he will end it.

MY point- I told him he will hide any indiscretion or problems because that will mean he will have to end it. DUH! He says no, no. no, he sees now what path he was on and doesn’t want to go that way anymore.

I told him to go ahead and write his dad a letter but I am sticking by what his father tells him.

GF would have to-
ONLY SEE HIM AT OUR HOME IN FAMILY ROOM OR BASEMENT ONLY IF FRIENDS ARE ALSO PRESENT.
NO POOL
NEVER AT HER HOUSE (I would be calling her mother to confirm this)
REMOVE ALL FACEBOOK PHOTOS THAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE IN OUR OPINON
STOP SWEARING
SON’S PHONE WOULD HAVE HER NUMBER BLOCKED WHILE SHE IS IN SCHOOL (because she cannot restrain herself and texts constantly during class.)
SHE IS NOT TO BE AT HIS CAMPUS
NO VISITING HIM AT HIS JOBS
NO SHORT SHORTS, MICRO MINIS AND TIGHT LOW CUT TANK TOPS
STOP USING OTHER BOYS AGAINST HIM
NO DRINKING AT ALL EVEN IF WITH FAMILY
NO INAPPROPRIATE TEXTING

What 16 yr old girl is going to say ok with all that? And how much is he going to share with her? And for how long are they going to act like saints. And what, only around parents?

And yes, SHE IS CATHOLIC- goes to mass most Sundays- she’s probably the one in the balcony with the short skirt on…

Um, you nor your son can control her decisions and just because a group of kids may be in the room with them means nothing (speaking from experience here). The missionary dating is a BAD idea and will lead to extreme heartbreak for your son at the very least, and a rebellious son who finds himself in serious trouble at the worst. Once upon a time I dated someone older than me (okay, I’ve dated many). It is BAD NEWS no matter the age difference at their age.

I have also had two friends date, one on a wayward path (I offered to go with her to AA meetings in high school for her drinking problem) and the other totally against drinking. She gave things up for him when they dated, but a few years of dating he grew tired of her immaturity. This girl is now 32 and still has not grown up (no stable job, boyfriend in and out of jail or rehab, refuses to face the hurt and pain from her youth, etc.) and the boy is now happily married, is a police officer, and has children. Maybe it’s time for dad and son to have more dad and son bonding time, keep son busy with activities they both can enjoy together.