The post was not public, it was a private message to the son of the family, his close (former?) friend, justifying his action by villifying the family. It is really unfathomable. they are one of the few families in our social circle who are dramatically better off than we are financially. He has always been jealous of things like their country club membership, etc. For the most part their lifestyle does not differ from the rest of us.
He has always worked and gone to school, I do not know how I managed to give the impression that he does not. He did not have any need for the money, it was strictly an act of meanness. Even given his impulsiveness and thoughtlessness, I never saw this coming. As I said, his friends’ parents have always liked him.
Jon, I think the idea of offering more than a simple repayment is an excellent one, and he should make the gesture. If I were them I would not want him around the property however.
That is the worrisome thing–and why I am sure you are worried about him!–that is, why does someone who does not need money steal from someone who so obviously trusted him? More to the point, why is this information he would volunteer: that is, that he committed this act of his own volition, not an act of greed, but an act of cruelty or an expression of envy and resentment against someone who has not only not harmed him, but has offered him hospitality? After all, this is not a family who has rejected him, right? This is a family that has shown him acceptance, and not out of familial necessity.
Is it possible that he thought this friend was on the outs with his own parents? That is, could your son have mistakenly thought his friend (their son) would applaud his action? I mean, at least taking sides in what he mistakenly thought was a civil war would put some kind of fathomable human reason onto this decision. Or is he on the outs with the friend, and did this in order to both hurt the friend and break ties with his friend and with the family? It is worth asking his friend about this. (I would not trust your son’s characterization of any of this any farther than I could throw a piano. He is in hot water, and that alone is enough to make him want to say whatever will get you to lay off, even if he’s very normal.)
You can see how this is a different act if it is done either as a misplaced act of loyalty or a retribution against someone who broke a bond of affection with him, rather than if it were merely an act showing that years of contact with this family and enjoyment of their hospitality has given him no connection with them, save envy and resentment? It is one thing to respond hurt-for-hurt when you’re in a tiff with someone you love, and quite another to have spent so much time with a family and feel nothing for them at all, save negative emotions. Combine that with “a skillful liar, materialistic, uncommunicative, and prone to jealousy”, and the picture becomes rather alarming.
The reason this is important for you to sort out is because what he feels for this family, a family with normal human faults who have more than he has but otherwise has done little else to welcome him and be good to him could be very similar to what he feels for you, who have treated him, an adopted son, as a full member of the family, particularly as he comes to realize more and more that you don’t consider your life savings to already be his inheritance for the taking.
You, too, have a lot more than he has. You, too, the family who sees itself as “absolute honesty and openess, anti- materialism, generosity, and intellectual pursuits were all taken for granted”’ could be deemed instead to be one who “thinks they’re better than everyone else.” The theft from your friends totally blindsided you; be careful that you’re not blindsided again.
My “consequence” for him would not be to make him scrub toilets at a soup kitchen. My consequence would be that I wouldn’t let him alone with my purse, or anyone else’s. I’d certainly be careful about what passwords he has access to, I know that.
