18 yr old daughter's boyfriend wants to spend the night

[gsmith411]

I need to get some other people’s opinion on if I am being to restrictive as a father. My daughter is 18 and living at home. Her boy friend lives over an hour drive away, so occasionally it would be much more convenient for him to spend the night instead of driving all the way home, then returning the next morning. We are strong Catholics and both boyfriend and daughter have said they plan to be married before sex. I do trust her, but am unsure about having the boyfriend spend the night. Something about the nearness of , or the temptation of sin just doesn’t feel right to have them staying overnight together. I can’t put it in good words, but I don’t like the idea. My wife sees no problem.

Am I being over restrictive? If not, how do I explain my feelings?

 

[SamH]

What make the hour drive shorter the next day?

 

[lizziej]

Gosh, 18 just seems so young. Is the relationship that serious that they need to see each other that much where he comes back the next morning? Obviously I don’t knoww all the details. One hour, IMO, is nothing. Some people commute’s to work is that long or longer, and they do it every day. And once you let him do it, it will be harder to say no the next time, since you’ve already said yes, and then, I would think that the temptation may get closer and closer, know what I mean? Will the bedroom that he sleeps in be very close to your daughter’s room?

 

[gsmith411]

The hour drive is just to save time. They spend every day together. In this case, we will be going on a trip the next day and want to leave early, so to save him having to go home the night before, then drive to our place even earlier so we can leave together is the reason its is being suggested. We have a guest bedroom on the first floor and her (and our) bedroom is upstairs. Maybe that’s the problem, I feel once we start letting him this time, what about next time, and why not the time after. May be a bad precedent.

Thanx for the help/opinions.

 

[rciadan]

It seems to me that you have a well formed concious: listen to it! He can leave for home early enough the day before so he can be sure to get enough rest to wake up early for the drive. I am a father with two daughters and I would do the same. I would also have concerns if the boy was not willing to do this. Trust your gut…

 

[SamH]

It seems to me that you have a well formed concious: listen to it! He can leave for home early enough the day before so he can be sure to get enough rest to wake up early for the drive. I am a father with two daughters and I would do the same. I would also have concerns if the boy was not willing to do this. Trust your gut…

Agreed. Even if it makes sense in the current situation you’ve set a precedent that says it’s OK future, even if it isn’t.

 

[SaltySirena]

My husband and I have been together since we were 17. One Christmas Break from college, they let me stay at their house for the whole three week break. And my family lived in the same town, 5 minutes away! They basically had pity on me, because I did not want to stay with my mother… too much drama there. And my Dad had my brother and stepbrother still at home, so no room really for me to bunk there.

They had a pull-out couch in their den where I slept. And he was in his room across the house, right next door to his parents. Yes, there was temptation… we were young and in love, after all. But we respected his parents enough, and I was grateful enough for the favor, that we did not and would not ever have tried anything under their roof. We kissed and snuggled on the couch while watching TV in the living room. But that was as far as it went. I will be honest and tell you that when we were away at college, we did spend the night together in each other’s dorm rooms, and when we were with “more tolerant” family members, we were allowed to sleep together. But his parents held the line, and we respected them. We understood why, but we also understood their authority.

Have some faith in your daughter. If she respects you in general, she will respect you in this. And if the young man has given you no cause to think he will disrespect you, have faith in him too.

Besides, I don’t know too many young men, religious or otherwise, who want to get caught by girlfriend’s Daddy in her room in the middle of the night. That’s risking severe bodily injury in most cases. (Not with my Dad, but that’s a long story you don’t really wanna hear.)

I think your feelings are natural and normal for a dad. You want to protect her and her virtue. But I think if he sleeps on the couch and gives you no reason for concern, respects boundaries and doesn’t try to push limits or see what he can get away with… then letting him stay over is fine.

18 is not too young to be serious about someone. I don’t know where people get that idea.

 

[johngh]

I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. Hopefully if you raised her well she should be able to make good mature decisions. If you think about it, most 18 year olds are in college away from home, which gives them much more freedom to do something like that. I really really doubt they would do anything they shouldn’t do if you are in the same house as them.

But ultimately just do what you think is best.

 

[kristanl]

I’m a 22 year old girl, and my parents dont let my boyfriend spend the night here, and definitely would be angry if they found out I stay at his house…
Theres two things I could see happening here-
-If you say yes, then she will get angry at you if you dont let him stay another time… She will be like, “Dad! You are so unfair! You decide one thing, and then you change your mind. I didnt even do anything wrong”. Etc. etc. So then she will guilt trip you into feeling bad about it.
-If you dont say yes, she may begin to lie, go spend the night at his house… (I dont know the whole situation)…
I think that the best result would be to discuss with her that either:
a. You will let him spend the night this one time, becuase of having to leave early in the morning. And you will tell her this is not an open invitation for him to sleep over whenever he wants. This will happen this time only.
b. He can just not come over the day before- and drive up that morning…
Hope this helps!
Also- I think adding times where they can become intimate is harmful, but then again, many things can happen sometimes when parents are home…
Your daughter seems like a wonderful girl, and I think if you talk to her about this, and boundaries (i.e. where he sleeps etc), then I dont think you will have issues.

 

[MercyMia]

I don’t think it is necessary for him to be sleeping over.

As you have described, you and your wife would be home and he would be in a separate room from your daughter so nothing scandalous would have an opportunity to happen - but I still do not think it is a good idea.
Why? Well because they aren’t engaged or anything yet and I don’t think it is a good idea for her to get so close and attached to him that he is acting like part of the family without being one. If they break up (I mean, they are 18 and break ups are common even if they truly like each other) it will be an awkward thing for her next boyfriend/husband to know that a boy slept over your house. Plus, letting down some boundaries might lead to more coming down in the future.

An hour is really nothing. As others have said, that is the time it takes a lot of people to commute to work. As far as this trip - Since he will be seeing plenty of your daughter during the trip - why doesn’t he just skip his visit the night before or leave very early and get a good nights rest so he can wake up early and drive to your house the next morning.

I commend you for not being a “doormat” dad on this issue. Even though she is 18, she is still living under your roof. Not a lot of dad’s are able to put their foot down when they have a wife and daughter going against their feelings. Above all, you need to look after your daughter’s heart (which it seems you are doing) in not letting her get her guard down with this boy and potentially being hurt in the end.

 

[kristanl]

I commend you for not being a “doormat” dad on this issue. Even though she is 18, she is still living under your roof. Not a lot of dad’s are able to put their foot down when they have a wife and daughter going against their feelings. Above all, you need to look after your daughter’s heart (which it seems you are doing) in not letting her get her guard down with this boy and potentially being hurt in the end.

AMEN to that!

 

[dulcissima]

I don’t think it is a good idea. I also think seeing each other every day at this age is also not appropriate. Your daughter needs to develop other interests and relationship with friends that are independent of him. She is still at a stage of growth and development and this is really important. Even if they do end up in a marriage later down the road, how they handle this stage of their relationship could make a big difference in their growth as individuals as well as in the health of their relationship as a couple.

 

[kage_ar]

IMHO, if he were to sleep on the sofa in the living room it would not be a scandal, but, it IS your house/your rules.

Do you have a neighbor or close by friend who would put up an overnight guest? This way he does not have to make the hour drive (and keeping people OFF the road when they are tired late at night is a very good idea)?

 

[shannyk]

I don’t think it is necessary for him to be sleeping over.

As you have described, you and your wife would be home and he would be in a separate room from your daughter so nothing scandalous would have an opportunity to happen - but I still do not think it is a good idea.
Why? Well because they aren’t engaged or anything yet and I don’t think it is a good idea for her to get so close and attached to him** that he is acting like part of the family without being one. If they break up (I mean, they are 18 and break ups are common even if they truly like each other) **

it will be an awkward thing for her next boyfriend/husband to know that a boy slept over your house. Plus, letting down some boundaries might lead to more coming down in the future.

An hour is really nothing. As others have said, that is the time it takes a lot of people to commute to work. As far as this trip - Since he will be seeing plenty of your daughter during the trip - why doesn’t he just skip his visit the night before or leave very early and get a good nights rest so he can wake up early and drive to your house the next morning.

I commend you for not being a “doormat” dad on this issue. Even though she is 18, she is still living under your roof. Not a lot of dad’s are able to put their foot down when they have a wife and daughter going against their feelings. Above all, you need to look after your daughter’s heart (which it seems you are doing) in not letting her get her guard down with this boy and potentially being hurt in the end.

I agree with this 100%, but I might be projecting my own experience. I was in your daughter’s position and my mom let my then BF (turned husband) spend the night on the couch on several occasions. I wish she hadn’t. I really really wish she hadn’t, for the reason I highlighted above.

 

[PeterMuz]

The hour drive is just to save time. They spend every day together. In this case, we will be going on a trip the next day and want to leave early, so to save him having to go home the night before, then drive to our place even earlier so we can leave together is the reason its is being suggested. We have a guest bedroom on the first floor and her (and our) bedroom is upstairs. Maybe that’s the problem, I feel once we start letting him this time, what about next time, and why not the time after. May be a bad precedent.

Thanx for the help/opinions.

So is the boyfriend going on the trip? What are the sleeping situations for the trip?

I do not think that letting him stay in this situation sets some precedent that says he can stay any time. This is a specific situation. Every situation is different. Teenagers are smart. I would think that they had had many “opportunities” if they were going to do something.

This may be a good time to sit down with the boyfriend and come to an understanding about what you expect of him and your daughter. If he is a good guy, he will respect that.

I highly recommend a song by country artist Rodney Atkins called “cleaning this gun”. You should listen. youtube.com/watch?v=cM42nG7Tjgs
Here is a link to the song.

 

[Hyacinth_II]

My husband and I have been together since we were 17. One Christmas Break from college, they let me stay at their house for the whole three week break. And my family lived in the same town, 5 minutes away! They basically had pity on me, because I did not want to stay with my mother… too much drama there. And my Dad had my brother and stepbrother still at home, so no room really for me to bunk there.

They had a pull-out couch in their den where I slept. And he was in his room across the house, right next door to his parents. Yes, there was temptation… we were young and in love, after all. But we respected his parents enough, and I was grateful enough for the favor, that we did not and would not ever have tried anything under their roof. We kissed and snuggled on the couch while watching TV in the living room. But that was as far as it went. I will be honest and tell you that when we were away at college, we did spend the night together in each other’s dorm rooms, and when we were with “more tolerant” family members, we were allowed to sleep together. But his parents held the line, and we respected them. We understood why, but we also understood their authority.

Have some faith in your daughter. If she respects you in general, she will respect you in this. And if the young man has given you no cause to think he will disrespect you, have faith in him too.

Besides, I don’t know too many young men, religious or otherwise, who want to get caught by girlfriend’s Daddy in her room in the middle of the night. That’s risking severe bodily injury in most cases. (Not with my Dad, but that’s a long story you don’t really wanna hear.)

I think your feelings are natural and normal for a dad. You want to protect her and her virtue. But I think if he sleeps on the couch and gives you no reason for concern, respects boundaries and doesn’t try to push limits or see what he can get away with… then letting him stay over is fine.

18 is not too young to be serious about someone. I don’t know where people get that idea.

I am around teenagers all day, I’m a teacher. Even if they are good intentioned…they can get off track so easy. If you open the door to temptation, it will come in. Then if they give in to it… it could destroy their relationship… and their opinions of themselves. They are young and look to YOU for wisdom. Make him go home or to a different house to sleep overnight. Do they have any mutual friends, close by, that would be a good place… or a cousin? You won’t regret that choice. You will have to talk to them about how you’ve come to this decision… explaining it is to keep temptation away…etc., or they may hold it against you. You will need to convince your wife first, so she understands too. You must be together on this or they won’t buy it. Kids that age look for truth, you can’t come off as a hypocrite-so you must stand together and speak truth. Kids are “fine tuned” to see truth… believe me, I face them everyday and they see the hypocrites immediately…they hate them and what they stand for - they refuse to do anything that a “hypocrite” tells them to do. They do the opposite. I’m just telling you this so you and your wife stand together…and you listen to your conscience and prepare what you are going to talk about. Your adult wisdom IS needed here. God bless you.

 

[Mel_Stones]

Sounds like a near occasion to sin and so should be avoided.

What are the sleeping arrangements for the trip?

I would recommend setting up the arrangements as they will be for the trip.
For example, you and the boyfriend sleep in the same room while your wife and daughter sleep in a separate room together. This way neither is alone and no temptation should arise.

It is okay to trust your daughter and her boyfriend but this doesn’t mean setting up temptation for them. It isn’t like they would say ‘we are/are planning on having sex before marriage’. I’m willing to bet few people who do have sex before marriage were planning on it. More likely they felling into a tempting situation and decided to sin.
Don’t help set up any of these tempting situations.

 

[August_Ambrose]

A lot of it is called, self-respect. The neighbors will know, the friends will know, your enemies will know. In your heart you will know and the temptation is there.
This just one night, okay,one night but don’t get in the habit,

 

[daeve]

I was a teenager back in the late 1960s. My boyfriend lived about 40 miles away, in the state next to us, but went to school in the state where I lived.

There were nights when it snowed, and my father suggested that he spend the night at our house. We have a ranch house with 3 bedrooms in one end of the house. The living room is in the other end of the house, and there’s a finished basement with 2 sofas big enough for sleeping. He slept in the basement. My parents’ bedroom was right across from mine and they would have know if I went downstairs or he came upstairs. My sisters’ boyfriends were always “local” and they never spent the night.

I think that if your house is arranged like ours was, and the parents are going to be there, it’s ok. But the most important consideration is how you as the parents want to do this. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. If you think you’ll be in control and you trust them, especially your daughter, go ahead. They are adults, but it’s your house and you get to decide.

 

[whatevergirl]

The hour drive is just to save time. They spend every day together. In this case, we will be going on a trip the next day and want to leave early, so to save him having to go home the night before, then drive to our place even earlier so we can leave together is the reason its is being suggested. We have a guest bedroom on the first floor and her (and our) bedroom is upstairs. Maybe that’s the problem, I feel once we start letting him this time, what about next time, and why not the time after. May be a bad precedent.

Thanx for the help/opinions.

*To me, that’s reasonable, then. If you are all departing early the next day…then, it seems appropriate. Where will they be sleeping during the trip? Will he be in a hotel room or something with you, and your wife with your daughter in a different room? I think if you say…this one time BECAUSE we’re leaving the next day, then I don’t see it becoming something they ask. I can see where you’re hesitant though–I know this is a hard decision. Teens can be strong…I think on the other hand though, it sends a message that you don’t trust your daughter or her bf. So it’s definitely a tough one. I know it wouldn’t have flown when I was 18! I’m not being much help. Sorry.

Good luck with your decision making process. *