18 yr old daughter's boyfriend wants to spend the night

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I think you’re NOT being too restrictive at all, and your comment about setting a bad precedent is right on IMO. Sometimes it’s your job to be the conscience for your household. I suspect that one day, maybe when she’s a parent herself, your daughter will look back and really appreciate and respect this quality in you.
 
I don’t see a problem with the boyfriend spending the night. During the college years our son brought his girlfriend home to meet us, he went home with her to meet her family and they alternated holidays after that. They slept in different rooms. 🤷 If you raise children to respect your rules morals they will. There is no possible scandal if parents are there and there are separate sleeping arrangements.
 
I think you are being totally reasonable. Its not about trusting her, its about doing what is best for them. Like someone else mentioned, a lot of good kids end up doing things they hadn’t planned to do, not because they set out to do it, but because they were weak when a tempting situation arose. It could be tempting for her to go down to the guest room in the middle of the night, or even for him to sneak up. I do know of good kids that have done stuff like this. I am a fan of removing the possibilities. There is no reason to put two people “in love” in a tempting situation. I also agree with the other posters…even if they don’t do anything, they are sharing a certain intimacy of seeing each other as they go to sleep and seeing each other right after they get up, something that shouldn’t be part of their relationship at this point.
 
I don’t see a huge problem with it either. Be sure to let them know the house rules (I’m sure they do) and you’ll get to know him better too.
 
Thanx for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. As expected, lots of opinions. At least it helped me figure out the reasons I’m against it, bad precedent and near occasions of sin seems to be the consensus. As many said, the sleeping arrangements will be on opposite sides of the house, and its just a day trip, so no sleeping arrangements need to be worried about while traveling. Now the fun part, convincing my wife. She is allot more liberal than I am and sees no problem with it.

Again, thank you and God Bless!!
 
It sounds as though you’ve made up your mind, but from my perspective it’s all about trust. If you trust your daughter when she says nothing will happen, then I’d go with that. If you have doubts, then you likely have reasons to have them so I’d say no.

I know that I’d have never done anything in the same situation at that age, but things kind of got turned upside down at my house. My brother–who’d already had a paternity scare–was seeing a girl who admittedly was not a virgin. She was allowed to stay over quite often, and usually in his room. He then broke up with her and started seeing an ex who he’d broken up with over fidelity issues and she was allowed to stay over as well, also in the same room. Years later, my parents were horrified to hear that he’d had sex with each of them on a couple of those occasions.

At the same time, I had my fiance stay over one night on my birthday after we’d been out a bit too late and had each had too much to drink. I figured I was doing the responsible thing since it kept either of us from driving. My sister was having a slumber party that night, so having her sleep downstairs or in my sister’s room wasn’t an option since those spots were already taken. I also didn’t wake my parents to ask permission because, even though it was the weekend, I knew they wouldn’t want to be woken up at 3:00 AM, and since my brother had done it so often without even being engaged (and because we’d been up-front and frank with them about our commitment to not having sex before marriage), I figured it wouldn’t be an issue. To make it extra clear that everything was on the up & up, even though we were in the same bed I was above the sheets, she was below, we had the door open and both of us were fully clothed (jeans, shoes & all). My parents still hit the roof and chewed the both of us out the next morning as though we’d burnt down the house. After all my logical arguments failed, I finally pointed out the disparity in the rules so they said they’d change them in the future, with the actual change being that business could continue as usual for my brother, while I couldn’t even ask if my fiance could stay over until after we were married. 🤷
 
Ah, sweet and savory is the irony of the Lord that we who were once hormone filled teenage boys now have to face the fact that those same hormone filled teenage boys are now the enemy. Surely God knew just what he was doing when he gave us daughters.

As the specifics, I would look at it this way. If this is a good boy and your daughter truly loves him and the sincerely want to get married some day then by disallowing him to spend the night, you are protecting them both. If perchance they did fall to temptations, and hormones will be raging, then they both have to face that fact and acknowledge it.

Just think, you have given your daughter a proper upbringing and helped her form a good conscience. Now because of wanting to be nice you have allowed her to fall. With her good conscience she will feel less than pure and will eventually form resentment towards you, the boyfriend or both. A lifetime can be changed for the worse, several lives could be damaged and the boyfriend who either becomes the husband or not will always regret that he didn’t make the hours drive.

Protect them, let him go home. Offer to buy breakfast the next morning safe in the knowledge that you have done the right thing and that in her heart your daughter knows that and loves you for it.
 
It is your home, so do what makes you comfortable and able to not only sleep well, but also look at the woman in the mirror the next day.

You have told you daughter your expectations in terms of premarital sex. Letting the lad sleep over, in the situation you describe, will not jeopardize this. A young couple together every day will find the time and place for sex if they are so inclined (no pun intended).

If you are comfortable with it, then fine. If you have reservations (which, oh, I don’t know, may have led you to posting on a Catholic website), then your daughter and future-son-in-law will have to live by the rules you lay down in your house. Period.

My daughter is 18 but does not have a boyfriend, so I will not presume to give you specific advice, but I will keep you in my prayers for a peaceful resolution.
 
Tell him to bring a tent, and camp out in the backyard. That’s as close as I would let him sleep.
 
cthulhubryan said:
Ah, sweet and savory is the irony of the Lord that we who were once hormone filled teenage boys now have to face the fact that those same hormone filled teenage boys are now the enemy. Surely God knew just what he was doing when he gave us daughters.

As the specifics, I would look at it this way. If this is a good boy and your daughter truly loves him and the sincerely want to get married some day then by disallowing him to spend the night, you are protecting them both. If perchance they did fall to temptations, and hormones will be raging, then they both have to face that fact and acknowledge it.

Just think, you have given your daughter a proper upbringing and helped her form a good conscience. Now because of wanting to be nice you have allowed her to fall. With her good conscience she will feel less than pure and will eventually form resentment towards you, the boyfriend or both. A lifetime can be changed for the worse, several lives could be damaged and the boyfriend who either becomes the husband or not will always regret that he didn’t make the hours drive.

Protect them, let him go home. Offer to buy breakfast the next morning safe in the knowledge that you have done the right thing and that in her heart your daughter knows that and loves you for it.
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*I like this post. The one part I’d add to though, is that oh my gosh, teen girls are very forward these days. I doubt the OP’s daughter is…I’m just speaking in generalities. My son is 16, and says that the girls are very aggressive when it comes to asking boys out, coaxing boys into sexual situations, etc…of course not all girls, but many. He doesn’t have a gf, just girls as friends, and they are very nice–but he hears this from some of his friends who are seniors, and have gf’s. The girls are pressuring the boys these days to have sex…and it can be very tempting for young teen boys who are trying to maintain a purity outlook.

Many are like this because they don’t have a father figure at home that they trust, or one at all. 😦 So, while the boys have their hormones raging, I think that parents of sons have to be concerned, just like parents of daughters, these days. :o ( I have both, oy!) :p*
 
Well, I think I will allow him to stay over, but with the caveats everyone has pointed out, namely that this is a one-shot deal and not becoming the norm. I do trust my daughter, and I don’t think anything will go on, but as many others have pointed out, if they want to engage in premarital sex, they have many, many more opportunities that under our roof, with us right there. Eventually, I guess we have to hope, and especially pray, that our last 18 years of training and teaching have been enough. I do worry about the temptation, but like was pointed out by many, with the separate sleeping arrangements, Mom and Dad right next door, and the house rules well known, I suppose we have to let her have some freedom.

Again, thank you everyone for your kind (name removed by moderator)ut. Ahhh, isn’t raising kids great fun!!!
 
Catholictrain said:
Tell him to bring a tent, and camp out in the backyard. That’s as close as I would let him sleep.
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Ha! I love this answer!!! 👍

I was going to suggest that your wife sleep in the spare bedroom and the boyfriend sleeps in YOUR room with you! If those are the accomodations at your house, I’m thinking he won’t ask to spend many nights?
 
Will your daughter be going off to college? If so, well, then she’s going to have the opportunity to have sleep overs all she wants.

Here’s the thing. I’m 23 now, but met my boyfriend when I was 18. There comes a point, when you just have to trust your daughter. In the legal sense, she’s an adult. But when living under your roof, or with you supporting her, obviously she has to live by your rules. As was stated, if she wanted to have sex before marriage, she’d find a way to do it.

My boyfriend sleeps over here at my parents house. But we live 4 hours apart. He sleeps in a different room than I. We both believe in no sex before marriage, so obviously we respect this and don’t sleep together. So, there is always the possibility that your daughter doesn’t plan on sleeping with him while he’s there.

You could always set rules, no doors shut and must go to bed in opposite rooms before you all go to bed. Of course, during the night they could always break the rules, but honestly, they could find the time during the day too.

So, I guess I’m on the side of I don’t see a problem with it. Me and my boyfriend sleep over at each other’s houses all the time. But we’ve also been together 4.5 years. I just really think that there comes a time when you can’t control your children any longer. You just pray that God guides them and they listen to everything that they’ve been taught over the years and that they believe the same thing you do.
 
yellowbird said:
Ha! I love this answer!!! 👍

I was going to suggest that your wife sleep in the spare bedroom and the boyfriend sleeps in YOUR room with you! If those are the accomodations at your house, I’m thinking he won’t ask to spend many nights?
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Once we did something like that. My mom slept in my room with me, dh (before he was dh lol) slept in my brothers room (my brother wasn’t there). I think some sort of arrangement like that would be good too. Again, its not about trust, its about doing what is best for them.
 
*So, I posed this question to my husband tonight…and he said…NO WAY. :eek: I guess I’m a little more trusting that my husband on this situation. 😊 I said, even if we are in the house? He said, that might ease my mind, but he said…why does the kid need to sleep over? Doesn’t he have his own bed? :rolleyes: My husband is stricter with the kids than me. Not a bad thing really, just I think we balance each other out.

Good to know this in case we’re faced with this situation ourselves! :o

Good luck to you OP…I hope things run smoothly, now that you made a decision with your wife. *
 
yellowbird said:
Ha! I love this answer!!! 👍

I was going to suggest that your wife sleep in the spare bedroom and the boyfriend sleeps in YOUR room with you! If those are the accomodations at your house, I’m thinking he won’t ask to spend many nights?
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Now here’s an idea…this or you sleep in daughter’s room, Mom and daughter sleep in your room, and boyfriend sleeps downstairs. No hanky panky possible! And on the subject of hanky panky, it can happen any time of day, any time they’re alone, so whether it’s 8pm or 3am doesn’t make a difference. What you’ve taught her is what matters.
Hello again. I see somebody else already suggested Mom and daughter share. Still a good idea.
 
I started dating my dh when I was 18. Once we were engaged at age 21 he moved two hours away (job opportunity). He was allowed to spend the night at my parents house (in the guest room, on the first floor) on the weekends, but even then, my parents weren’t exactly crazy about it. I think they were only ok with it because he was coming down to go to Mass with me each Sunday (I was going through RCIA at the time) and to help with various aspects of wedding planning.

If your daughter’s boyfriend is only an hour away, I don’t think I’d let him spend the night. It won’t kill either of them if they don’t see each other for a few days. I saw my dh every day for several years until he moved away and then we survived only seeing each other on the weekends for 6 months. The telephone is a wonderful invention that allows people to keep in touch across distances.
 
bundling works great- you sew the guy up in a sack. see “the patriot” for how to instructions:)

you could let him sleep in yalls room on the floor.

you could lock him in the guest bedroom.
 
you are her father and her protector. as a teen girl myself,and as annoying as my father and all his RULES are, i know he loves me and recognizes his responsibility to protect me and keep me safe, just as you do. Sometimes i forget that, though, so he has to remind me. Trust your gut on this. you are a male–you know how tempting the situation can be for the well-meaning boyfriend. Say no then explain to her that you just want to protect her, because that’s your job, and that you love her. She may say something like “If you really loved me, you would trust me enough to let him stay and know we won’t do anything!” It may hurt, but us teen girls really just say that to wear down our parents and their rules. Deep down, she will realize how much you care for her…though she may NEVER admit it! hope this helps!
 
By the time he takes his turn in the bathroom he could just get up early at home, get ready, and drive. It’s only an hour? If he comes every day anyway I don’t see why it’s such a big deal for him to drive in the morning. He could skip seeing your daughter the day before the trip and get to bed early.
 
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