1st post - MIL issues & new baby

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financemom

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Hello!

This is my first post, so I think I am posting this in the correct place.

My MIL and I have a very strained relationship (long story). My husband is not Catholic (he’s ELCA). While it has never been an issue for he & I (he attends Catholic Mass with me every week & Lutheran service), she has taken huge issue with it - often trying to convert me. I usually can let it roll off of my back, and I just laugh it off.

However, we have a baby due in a few weeks, and she is loudly protesting the child being raised Catholic. My husband has no issue raising the baby Catholic, and he has even read up on parts of the Catholic faith with which he isn’t familiar (going as far as to memorize the Hail Mary!). We plan on sending the child to Catholic school, and he will attend Catholic Mass but not Lutheran service.

We scheduled the baptism for the fall, and she is causing quite the commotion at this point. Saying I am ruining her grandchild, and how we should wait until he is older to “force” him into a religion. She has told my husband’s siblings, grandparents, and her husband that they should all boycott the baptism to show how much they disagree. I don’t know where the rest of the family stands on the issue honestly.

There are other issues as well. We live over 12 hours from them (and my family too), and she is being very pushy regarding visiting us over the next year or so…and she is insisting that I am “keeping her out of the baby loop.” Apparently I do not send enough updates regarding my pregnancy or “nursery progress pictures.” I try to make contact with her and my mom at least once a week regarding the pregnancy.

I understand that she doesn’t like that her son lives so far away…especially when her other children all live within 10 minutes of her house. I get that it is probably hard to have your first grandchild across the country. My parents deal with the same issues, but much more maturely.

I am just wondering if anyone has any advice. I try to be charitable, because I want my son to have a good relationship with them even if I don’t. I am just at my wit’s end! I am in my ninth month of pregnancy, and quite frankly, I have no desire to be dealing with passive-aggressive emails regarding my religion or “nursery progress.”

My husband has told her she needs to back off, and he is very much “on my side.” Unfortunately, she has disregarded his requests, and she is contacting me at work, home, and on both my professional and private email accounts.

Any help would be welcome.

(sorry this is so long.)
 
financemom said:
Hello!

This is my first post, so I think I am posting this in the correct place.

My MIL and I have a very strained relationship (long story). My husband is not Catholic (he’s ELCA). While it has never been an issue for he & I (he attends Catholic Mass with me every week & Lutheran service), she has taken huge issue with it - often trying to convert me. I usually can let it roll off of my back, and I just laugh it off.

However, we have a baby due in a few weeks, and she is loudly protesting the child being raised Catholic. My husband has no issue raising the baby Catholic, and he has even read up on parts of the Catholic faith with which he isn’t familiar (going as far as to memorize the Hail Mary!). We plan on sending the child to Catholic school, and he will attend Catholic Mass but not Lutheran service.

We scheduled the baptism for the fall, and she is causing quite the commotion at this point. Saying I am ruining her grandchild, and how we should wait until he is older to “force” him into a religion. She has told my husband’s siblings, grandparents, and her husband that they should all boycott the baptism to show how much they disagree. I don’t know where the rest of the family stands on the issue honestly.

There are other issues as well. We live over 12 hours from them (and my family too), and she is being very pushy regarding visiting us over the next year or so…and she is insisting that I am “keeping her out of the baby loop.” Apparently I do not send enough updates regarding my pregnancy or “nursery progress pictures.” I try to make contact with her and my mom at least once a week regarding the pregnancy.

I understand that she doesn’t like that her son lives so far away…especially when her other children all live within 10 minutes of her house. I get that it is probably hard to have your first grandchild across the country. My parents deal with the same issues, but much more maturely.

I am just wondering if anyone has any advice. I try to be charitable, because I want my son to have a good relationship with them even if I don’t. I am just at my wit’s end! I am in my ninth month of pregnancy, and quite frankly, I have no desire to be dealing with passive-aggressive emails regarding my religion or “nursery progress.”

My husband has told her she needs to back off, and he is very much “on my side.” Unfortunately, she has disregarded his requests, and she is contacting me at work, home, and on both my professional and private email accounts.

Any help would be welcome.

(sorry this is so long.)
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First of all, I would be very upfront with my DH about the fact that his mother is disregarding his requests and contacting me privately. I think he would want to know that, if he doesn’t already. Not in a “look what your mom is doing now” sort of way, but in a ‘we are a team and we need to be fully aware of what is going on regarding this situation’ sort of way.

I would also consider requesting that DH call his mother back and inform her that if she has any questions about the pregnancy, the nursery, or anything else, that she can talk to him because you are trying to rest in preparation for the baby’s arrival. I would purposely ignore any calls, emails, or any other communication with her as much as possible.
 
STOP THE INFO TRAIN. She needs no information about you or your baby or your medical information. Period.

Your DuH needs to stand up to his mother and tell her she has crossed the bounds of decency.

You are starting your own family. DH needs to defend it. There should be no more discussion of what you are doing with your child as far as baptism. SHE is not the PARENT. You and your DH are.

Practice these phrases…

“That does not work with our family”
“Why would you say that?”
“This is not up for discussion”

Just because a phone rings does not mean it has to be answered. Get caller ID or better yet, block her number. Do not respond to her, do not feed her fire.

Have her emails go in a junk folder so you don’t see them.
 
kristacecilia said:
First of all, I would be very upfront with my DH about the fact that his mother is disregarding his requests and contacting me privately. I think he would want to know that, if he doesn’t already. Not in a “look what your mom is doing now” sort of way, but in a ‘we are a team and we need to be fully aware of what is going on regarding this situation’ sort of way.

I would also consider requesting that DH call his mother back and inform her that if she has any questions about the pregnancy, the nursery, or anything else, that she can talk to him because you are trying to rest in preparation for the baby’s arrival. I would purposely ignore any calls, emails, or any other communication with her as much as possible.
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Thanks for your feedback.

I should have been more clear that my husband is very aware of the continuous contact. I don’t respond or answer the phone, but the messages are sometimes downright hurtful…and at 9 months pregnant, my emotions are shall we say a little volatile. 😛

He has told her repeatedly to knock it off, but she ignores him.
 
Let him continue to deal with her. You need not listen to her voice messages or read her email. You can send kind notes to her and may want to do so via snail main, to avoid the immediate reply (which from her will be nasty) of email. Sign everything from you and your husband so that she understands you two are a TEAM. Period.

He (your husband) will have to deal with her and her destructive behavior toward his wife and famiy (you and your new baby). Step back and simply hand everything over to him. Continue to be gracious and kind and let him do the dirty work.

She is a piece of work…as they say!

Anne
 
Many daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationships are strained. In fact from what I see (with my own friends and family) a totally positive relationship is usually the exception. Your differing opinions about religion will be I suspect one of many more to come… and by many… I mean a lifetime full of them ;-).

Some women deal with this issue by standing their ground very vocally. You sound a bit more like me and are perhaps resistant to starting conflict. I’ve tried both ways and at the end of the day I had to stay true to my personality. When issues come up I 99% of the time let the comments slide off my back and try to change the subject. If she persists I stand my ground in a manner I’m comfortable with (I don’t like to yell or debate but I do state my opinion). If she continues to persist I just remove myself as maturely as possible.

My suggestion, find some other common ground with her (cooking, gardening, reading, WHATEVER…ANYTHING but religion and child-rearing) and discuss those issues with her ALL the time. Maybe email or mail her interesting news clipping on these safe subjects. Do attempt to build a relationship with her somehow. Trust me your husband will adore you for it. Soon enough she’ll back off…possibly out of exhaustion b/c she’ll see that at the end of the day no matter how hard she’s nagged she hasn’t changed anything. Be warned though this process can take years…remain steadfast!

In the mean time immerse yourself in your faith. Seek out other faith-filled women (mom’s group at church, bible study etc) who can guide you. You’ll need all the support you can get! Best of luck.
 
You need to become a black hole. Block her number if nothing good is coming from her messages. Do not listen to her tirades.

Your DH needs to protect you.

You say she does not listen to your DH when he tells her repeatedly to stop it.

You’re about to become parents… what would you do to your child if he/she were behaving this way? Put her in TIME OUT. This will give you practice!😉

MIL needs a TO (time out). Until she can learn that her behavior is not going to be tolerated.

Block her number, send her email to trash.

Beware the Flying Monkeys however who will try to tell you she is faaaaaaaamily and she has rights to her grandbaaaaaby. Baloney. She has no rights to your child. period. The flying monkeys can sit in time out with her! Let them know this is none of their business and it is a private matter.

Good luck with your baby. Stay strong. YOU are the one that sets the bounderies with your family.
 
Talk to husband about cutting grannie off till she can act like a decent human being without insults and attacks.

HE needs to lay down the law to her and say “I’m the husband is this relationship the head of our house and I want the child baptized Catholic…period, if you can’t deal with it you don’t have to see your grandchild.” (he has to do it because she’s obviously has no problems attacking a pregnant woman carrying her grandchild and you don’t need more stress anyway)

She needs the heave-ho till she straightens up AND apologizes. (my DH hates the Church too (he’s hardcore “Papist hating” Anglican) I know what it’s like having someone in the family hate your faith) he’s the head of our house though and so the baby I’m carrying just like the other two will be baptized Anglican. 😦 I love him and just pray for him as much as I can. Pray for her too, she obviously has “issues”.

DoT
 
Thank you for the advice, everyone!

It is tough, because in my group of friends I seem to be the only one whose MIL drives them insane. It’s always been this way (even before she had any inkling I’d marry her son).

I was starting to think maybe I was the problem!
 
Welcome to CAF! :coffee:

Hope the advice :twocents: you seek (no shortage) is the right advice for you… and you are the only one who can sift through the comments and determine what is right for your situation. I will pray that the Holy Spirit guides you with His Wisdom.

Welcome,

God Bless,
Paul
 
financemom said:
Thank you for the advice, everyone!

It is tough, because in my group of friends I seem to be the only one whose MIL drives them insane. It’s always been this way (even before she had any inkling I’d marry her son).

I was starting to think maybe I was the problem!
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You have a lucky group of friends. It is not by accident that there are a lot of unkind MIL jokes making the rounds, or that Sanseveria trifasciata, a very hard-to-kill houseplant with sharp-edged leaves, is called “mother-in-laws-tongue”. MILs can be very difficult. My MIL is an absolute sweetie. Her MIL was a nightmare. (You may want to put a potted Sanseveria trifasciata next to your phone! :rolleyes: :D)

Screen your calls, let your dear husband deal with his mom, and express your undying affection for him every time he goes to bat for you and your budding family. You have a gem there! When it comes to dealing with his mom, try to please him and respect his parents, but don’t worry too much about her reactions to any of it. How she copes with how the two of you have decided to run your family is her problem.
 
financemom said:
Thank you for the advice, everyone!

It is tough, because in my group of friends I seem to be the only one whose MIL drives them insane. It’s always been this way (even before she had any inkling I’d marry her son).

I was starting to think maybe I was the problem!
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lol nope…you’re not the only one with MIL problems! Frankly the 9 hours between us makes our relationship much better. 🙂 It’s only strained when we see each other for more than 6 hours 😛

To help you to remain charitable, remember that the reason why she is sooo disagreable about your faith, is because her faith is so strong. If she was lukewarm in her love for God, she wouldn’t care as much… I know I’ll be a batty MIL if one of my grandkids were raised in a faith I thought was wrong. I’ll try to be polite, but I’ll pray like a nut!

Try praying for your MIL’s faith. This could be the opening for her conversion. Also, try asking her why the Catholic faith is so wrong in her eyes, and be ready to answer her doubts. Learn as much as you can about her Lutheran objections before asking her! With strong, solid faith based answers, you may be able to convert your MIL 😃 You never know, it could happen!!
 
Nope you are not the only one with MIL issues. I have one friend who’s MIL refused to even meet her grandchildren because they were being raised Catholic.

My relationship with my MIL at the time my daughter was born was very strained, and now it is estranged, hubby’s decision. We both wish we would have taken more of a hardline with his mother from the getgo. We tried to be as charitable as possible, thinking even if we couldn’t have a great relationship with his mother, at least our daughter would. Be warned, if your MIL is already creating this much drama, she may use your baby as a weapon. You really have to face the situation for what it is and not put so much expectations on a child to have a decent relationship with an adult that is acting so childish themselves. That’s sending a double message to your child someday that a strained relationship is “normal” and it is anything but. “normal”. You can not expect your child to fix a very immature and strained relationship, that is squarely on the shoulders of the adults involved. It sounds like you have tried to do right by her. But this is not the time to fix this situation. You will never get this time together as a family, your main focus right now has to be you, your husband and the baby. Everyone else just needs to back off.
 
I think my husband and I will have a talk tonight and come up with a “plan.” There has been some drama with his family these past few weeks in general, so I think that tensions are running high.

It is quite a shame. My parents are so much more accepting and laid back than his, and he gets along so well with them. I always wanted to have a good relationship with my in laws.

Thank you again. Hopefully we can deal with this situation and move on in a way that makes us the happiest.
 
welcome!!! i hope you find your experience on this site warm and welcoming…as for the MIL issue…it needs to be nipped in the bud now. I would have DH only deal with her. i would ignor e-mails, or print them off for DH to see…I agree with a previous poster that DH should tell her “I am the head of this household and my wife and I will decide HOW do raise our children, they are, after all, legally ours”. Also, he might mention that he is the spritual head of the household and she basically needs to butt out. I don’t want to sound mean or rude, but sometimes parents don’t know where to draw the line when grandkids are involved. You will find that if she is not put in her place BEFORE the baby, it will just escalate AFTER the baby. And when you are sleep deprived and exhausted, you don’t need an ongoing argument with family, Best of luck and many prayers for your situation and for an easy, healthy birth! God bless-twk
 
BTW, you aren’t alone with MIL issues, my MIL is nicer to me than my husband which makes me have no respect for her. (She’s a liberal feminazi do what feels good type-she acts like she wants to be buddies while trashing men) Every time we see her she attacks my husband for his beliefs (being a conservative) which is silly because I hold the same views! She’s on the east coast we (thankfully) are on the west coast buahahahahaahaha…and I hate airplanes so we don’t see her often. Just a little rabbit trail to let you know you aren’t alone…

DoT
 
I’m only at the halfway mark of my pregnancy but I really feel for you because I’m in a similiar situation, although my MIL isn’t quite as toxic as yours sounds.

You’ll find a fanstic talk on infnat baptism on www.biblechristiansociety.com by John Martigoni - perhaps you could order a CD of it for your MIL, only cost a couple of bucks!

The talk is purely biblically based - so your MIL will hear solid scripture references advocating baptism in general but also infant baptism, from Genesis right through…

I’m sure if you said ‘we are doing it this way because Scripture says so’ she could hardly argue!

That’s what I’m hoping with my in-laws anyway!!
 
sixofseven said:
I’m only at the halfway mark of my pregnancy but I really feel for you because I’m in a similiar situation, although my MIL isn’t quite as toxic as yours sounds.

You’ll find a fanstic talk on infnat baptism on www.biblechristiansociety.com by John Martigoni - perhaps you could order a CD of it for your MIL, only cost a couple of bucks!

The talk is purely biblically based - so your MIL will hear solid scripture references advocating baptism in general but also infant baptism, from Genesis right through…

I’m sure if you said ‘we are doing it this way because Scripture says so’ she could hardly argue!

That’s what I’m hoping with my in-laws anyway!!
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That’s not the issue her MIL is Lutheran (they baptize infants), she sounds like a “I hate the Catholic Church” type and wants the baby baptized Lutheran. Telling her and her husband it’s going to “ruin” the child’s life to be baptized Catholic.
 
defenderoftruth said:
That’s not the issue her MIL is Lutheran (they baptize infants), she sounds like a “I hate the Catholic Church” type and wants the baby baptized Lutheran. Telling her and her husband it’s going to “ruin” the child’s life to be baptized Catholic.
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Well yes and no, she said her MIL told them they should wait until the child is older before ‘forcing’ them into a religion. That’s what I was addressing.
 
sixofseven said:
Well yes and no, she said her MIL told them they should wait until the child is older before ‘forcing’ them into a religion. That’s what I was addressing.
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Ahh…I see yeah it’s the prodo (protestant) thing. (“let them choose for themselves”) Ugh irresponsible leaving decisions to child especially salvation issues…:rolleyes:
 
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