20 years old and hopeless about life

[therose01]

You’re not at fault as far and as deep as I can see. Please keep venting Rose. Don’t give up this outlet if you need it.

I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. I wish I could find a way to ease you out of this awful fix. I wish there was a way to wake your mother up to your real pain here. But it seems like she’s something of a case. It seems like she’s maybe even lost all real feeling.

Peace rose. I sort of understand what you’re dealing with here. :hug3:

-Trident

Thanks, Trident. I just can’t seem to shake this guilt and feeling like maybe I simply deserve this.

 

[pianistclare]

Some of the many LIES that victims of abuse are told by their abusers:

• It’s your fault because you are (ugly, stupid, unwanted, fill in whatever their flimsy excuse is)
• The way we treat you is perfectly normal - you are being oversensitive or making things up if you think differently
• Because you are damaged no one will ever love you (they don’t come out and say this, but you pick up on it subconsciously and FEEL damaged)
• We will toss you a few crumbs of “love” on our terms, just enough to keep you hooked in and hoping we will improve, while really we have no intention of changing
• If you point out that something doesn’t feel right, we will yammer at you until you concede that you must have imagined it, or are overreacting. We will continue to do this on a regular basis until you reach the point where you don’t trust your own eyes and ears, feelings and thoughts anymore.
• We will manipulate you.
• We will act like jerks, but you can’t get away with anything.
• You will feel guilty for trying to make a better life for yourself. The guilt will draw you back.
• And so on, and so on.

This is just a partial list. Somehow you need to find someone who will help you build the trust in yourself that you aren’t imagining things. That you don’t deserve to be treated like a piece of garbage. That just because evil is done to you, it’s on the conscience of the evildoer, not a reflection of who you are as a human being.

Also, you need to reawaken your own sense of what is a “red flag” so you don’t end up in a relationship with another abuser. This is extremely important - not repeating the cycle.

I will keep you in my prayers as you embark on this difficult journey. God bless you!

This^^^/
Plus, you mother may ne a bot jealous of your youth.
Keep a safe distance without disrespecting her.
Don’t look for support from her. Get good friends around you, or other relatives. You’re likely going to be disappointed by mom’s responses.
I will say this: you teach people how to treat you. Be simpering, and crying all the time, and you can expect more heaped upon you. Try you very best to develop a sunny disposition. It drives them mad, and it will be good for you.
Think of Our Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane.
You can do this.
Peace.
Clare

 

[Trident_H]

This^^^/
Plus, you mother may ne a bot jealous of your youth.
Keep a safe distance without disrespecting her.
Don’t look for support from her. Get good friends around you, or other relatives. You’re likely going to be disappointed by mom’s responses.
I will say this: you teach people how to treat you. Be simpering, and crying all the time, and you can expect more heaped upon you. Try you very best to develop a sunny disposition. It drives them mad, and it will be good for you.
Think of Our Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane.
You can do this.
Peace.
Clare

Yes. This advice is solid too.

 

[Viki63]

Dear Rose,
I’ve read your thread, and am so sorry you are going through this.
Your mother has some mental health issues; narcissism, bipolar, something.
But you have a mother you can turn to – have you thought about turning to Our Lady?
Jesus gave her to us as a mother, and we can kneel and pray a rosary and know that her arms are around us. She loves you as a true mother, and will listen to everything you need to tell her.
Do you have a rosary? It’s a beautiful prayer and can bring you closer to Jesus and his mother, who is your mother as well.
I am sorry your own mother isn’t kind, but she must have been hurt in her past as well.

As far as your father, if he stares at you, tell him you don’t like to be stared at and leave the room. Don’t go near him if he makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn’t have dementia, he should be able to treat you with respect. If he won’t or can’t, avoid him.
God bless.

.

 

[therose01]

Thank you to all who answered. It’s nice to get objective, Catholic advice. I’ll try to move out when I can. Today I tried being extra loving with her to maybe get a good reaction. But it’s very hard to have a conversation with her, as I can never have a word in, and she constantly talks over me. Today I tried asking how her day was, she said it was tiring. I asked what went wrong, she said angrily “i don’t want to talk about my job now, i want to relax”. So i said okay, sorry. Mentioned a movie i want to see with a friend, her only reaction: “ha. That movie is terrible. How can YOU even afford it?” Etc etc. It’s like the day to day talks that are so difficult. When she comes and demands an answer and attention then talks over me all the time. She just said a few minutes ago that her boyfriend is the only one that makes her happy and without him she would not want to live because no one else makes her happy. I said don’t we make you happy? She said “no, what do you do for me to be happy? Nothing”. Anyway. It’s just hard to have converswtions when you are expected to listen but never be heard.

 

[therose01]

Found a place to live… Should I tell my family the info, adress etc? My fear is that perhaps they will force their way there, or maybe I am being paranoid…

 

[Rosebud77]

Found a place to live… Should I tell my family the info, adress etc? My fear is that perhaps they will force their way there, or maybe I am being paranoid…

NO NO NO! Do not tell them anything. run free… If you tell them you might as well have stayed home. YOUr home is YOUR private place. Trust me in that as I had to do it once long ago, You owe them nothing Rose. Break free. And this is WONDERFUL news. .well done and stay strong now…

 

[AveMaria5]

Dear Rose,

You are an amazing young woman, and have been given incredible gifts of forgiveness and such maturity for your age when you are more of a parent than your own are to you.

God is looking after you.

I would like to write more and i will later… but know I will be praying for you.
My heart goes out to you… all we ever want is to be loved.

I dont know you but as a sister in Christ, I send my prayers and my love.

God bless you.

 

[Trident_H]

Found a place to live… Should I tell my family the info, adress etc? My fear is that perhaps they will force their way there, or maybe I am being paranoid…

Don’t need to tell them Rose. Just go and move. You can always visit them at some middle ground if it comes to that. But please. Have your sanctuary. Get some real mental and emotional space from that.

Peace therose. I’m so glad you’ve gotten to this point.

-Trident

 

[Elena321]

Dear Rose,

You have been through so much and you show incredible maturity for your age and also many other strengths.

What your dad has done/is doing is sexually abusive without a doubt.
A father should not look at his daughter that way or touch her bum in a sexual way.

Your mums old boyfriend also sounded abusive-or at the very least inappropriate and he should have had better adult child boundaries.

Your mum sounds like she has the emotional level of a child & is probably unable to give you the emotions she should as a mother as she might not have them herself.

Your brother seems to either take his anger out on you due to bad upbringing/not being disciplined or perhaps he has some cognitive/emotional self control issues due to inheriting the genes of your mother?

Don’t get into any discussions about religion or try to convince your brother-he isn’t currently in the position to receive it well.

Your definitely not worthless & please don’t take your upbringing to be a personal reflection of you.If anything,although I don’t know you,i am proud of the way you have coped and your resilience is to be admired.
Try not to compare yourself with others your age etc as they are coming from a different place from you(ie:they may have supportive parents & a stress free life).

 

[therose01]

Thank you everyone for your help, support and kind words. It’ll be hard, what can I answer when she demands to know? But hopefully there is a way.: again, thanks So grateful for all the support.

 

[1ke]

what can I answer when she demands to know?

You don’t answer anything. It isn’t there prerogative to know your whereabouts.

You say nothing. You hang up the phone. You walk away. Whatever.

They have no right to know, and you have no obligation to tell them.

 

[LethalMouse]

My son is the product of hostile divorce… and he often thinks people did things they did not. If I am laying on the floor and he were to jump on my and mis and hurt himself he would say I hurt him. It has bled into such with friends etc…

I remember once me and my exwife (she needed meds like not joking, literal)… anyway we were goofing around and I had some fake hillbilly novelty teeth in playing. We were laughing histerical and having a great time… i stood over her and half started to get on top of her in this goof (not even for sex, just pure goofing) and she let out this scream and had a look of horror on her face.

TBH I thought there was like a tarantula behind my head or something and just before I turned to look she slapped me hard. I was confused and stunned as I looked at her her face went from true horror to this sad confused apology. She was near tears apologizing.

“I forgot who you were”…

Yeah okay I shoulda ran that moment lol…

But anyway, the dad maybe kinda had a hand not doing anything?

Step dad wrestling and held you down (kinda what we always do in wresting)

Etc… I am not too sure about these things.

On the flip, you did claim memeory issues which could indicate blockingnsometjing out. And is a big question in making the possibility of sonething bad by dad say actually being real etc.

So I really say you cant deal with ghost issues, like “i have to get over the fact that I was molested” being true while at the same time “but no he really never molested me”

Therapy is seriously neede to figure out what did and didnt happen, as right now you are not even sure if things that bother you are things that exist…

With this IF dad is not a creepy pedo for exampke but you half think maybe he is OF COURSE you are going to take every look as something more etc…

And so on and so forth.

 

[Trident_H]

You don’t answer anything. It isn’t there prerogative to know your whereabouts.

You say nothing. You hang up the phone. You walk away. Whatever.

They have no right to know, and you have no obligation to tell them.

Yep. This is what you need to do.

Good luck!

 

[therose01]

Okay just one question… Should I tell her the day before moving or now, a while before? My fear is that maybe she’ll take something I need or just punish me somehow. If I don’t tell her where, she will definitely get pissed off and tell me how bad of a daughter I am. My brother will join too and it will be hard since I’m still home

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Okay just one question… Should I tell her the day before moving or now, a while before? My fear is that maybe she’ll take something I need or just punish me somehow. If I don’t tell her where, she will definitely get pissed off and tell me how bad of a daughter I am. My brother will join too and it will be hard since I’m still home

Hold off as long as possible on telling them that you are moving. The more advance notice you give them, the more time they will have to plague you about your decision. And, as the others said, do not tell them where you are moving.

 

[therose01]

Hold off as long as possible on telling them that you are moving. The more advance notice you give them, the more time they will have to plague you about your decision. And, as the others said, do not tell them where you are moving.

Thank you. That’s what I’ll do.

 

[Trident_H]

Thank you. That’s what I’ll do.

Personally? I’d just leave a note. For them to find after I’d left.

The end.

 

[therose01]

Personally? I’d just leave a note. For them to find after I’d left.

The end.

That’s a great idea! Unfortunately they will be home though on the day that I move in… So I’ll have to tell them somehow… Thanks anyway

 

[1ke]

Okay just one question… Should I tell her the day before moving or now, a while before? My fear is that maybe she’ll take something I need or just punish me somehow. If I don’t tell her where, she will definitely get pissed off and tell me how bad of a daughter I am. My brother will join too and it will be hard since I’m still home

Do NOT tell them anything at all, not that you are moving, not when, not where. They should have NO advanced notice of anything.