T
therose01
Guest
Here I am, 20 year old woman, and can’t help but to feel like ‘is this it?’ about life. Let me explain further… I feel like everything in my life is going bad. I am alive, I have food on my table, clothes, roof over my head, okay health, so I know that in many ways, I am blessed. But inside, I am empty and so, so alone.
To summarize everything before I go in and say more: Divorced parents for a long time who refuse to speak to eachother, overbearing cold mother, father who is love but potentially molested me as a child, older brother who has been mean to me my whole life and always say inappropriate things, social anxiety, failed in school, never had boyfriend, boring, problems with health sometimes, etc.
So yes, my parents divorced when I was 7. Not a big deal. I am used to it. Just woke up one day and my mum told me ‘dad and I are no longer together’ and he had moved out. Shortly after that, I got a stepdad. He was a man with anger issues, always mad, always yelling. He once dragged me across a room because I was taking some time to get to the dinner table. After he apologized and it did not happen again. When I was 12, it was a very warm summer day, and I was in the kitchen with him. I complained abou the heat and said it was so hot. He said ‘‘Well take your t-shirt off then.’’ I said ‘‘No i don’t want to’’. He then said ‘‘Yes, take it off’’ I said ‘‘you’re gross’’ and ran out to my mum. He ran after me and spit multible times in my face. My mum had so stand in front of me to protect me because he was so angry. I had other strange encounters with him, two I can recall. For one, he would sometimes slap me on the butt as he walked by as a joke, maybe not a big deal, some do that harmlessly I suppose. Another time, I was maybe 8, I remember I was in their bed and he was watching tv or something, then all of a sudden he started joking with me, but took my arms and placed himself on top of me, not touching me with his body but sort of when you do the plank (the workout) but holding my arms. I got uncomfortable and left to my mum. They separeted when I was a teenager.
Now my dad and I have a good relationship today, but I can’t help but not trust him completely because of what happened in the past. I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all, only from maybe 10 up. Only a few few things do I remember. But I do remember my dad once playing with me, and suddenly putting his hands inside my trousers but outside of my underwear. He had them there for a while. Then as I got to my teenage years (early teenage years) he would try to tuch my butt alot. Everytime we hugged, his hand would slide down my back and to my butt. I used to tell him to stop, and I learned quickly to never show skin in front of him cause I knew he would stare, and I learned to quickly back off after a hug before his hand had a chance to touch my butt. When I walked by, he would sometimes clap his hand on my butt. When I got tired of this and talked to him by email, he got very angry and said’’ I was accusing him of being a pedophile and that he had never touched me (a big lie)’’ and ‘‘if I have these thoughts about him it’s best we never meet again which is a shame because we used to be good friends’’. I donä’t want to think my own dad is a creep, but these things make me uncomfortable. To this day, I have to think of what I wear in front of him. Not for religious reasons or so (he is atheist) but because I know he will stare. Even now, he looks at my body so much. If he is sitting down and I stand up and I happen to look back I always catch him staring at my butt or body in general. My dressing sense is not revealing at all, in fact I dress quite conservative. But it sucks to not be able to relax in front of family. He is older and sick so I don’t want to fight but all this is weighing on me.
My mother… Well, she comes from a family that did not show a lot of love, so she is not used to affection so much. She cannot help it. But as much as I hate saying this, she is quite narcissistic and cold. Every single conversation we have is about her. She will talk all day nonstop but if I say even a word in response I am immidiately interrupted or she will completely ignore what I said and continue to talk… I tried saying this to her and she said I should just listen to her and be quiet and not speak back and answer. Uhmm… Okay, then it’s not really a conversation… I feel like she just doesn’t care. Once I was in a situation where I was being followed by a wierd man, I asked her can she please pick me up (it was 10 minutes with drive) she says no, I’m tired, take the bus. (It was late). She has said many hurtful things to me, like once she said she wished she had aborted me. She’s always comparing me to others indirectly e.g. that daughter is in medical school, why cant you be like her etc. If I try to hug her, she pushes me away after a few seconds. ‘‘I love you’’ and ‘‘How are you feeling?’’ are nonexistant. I always listen to her, but if I try to say anything about my life, how I’m feeling, she looks like she wants to die from boredom and as if what I am saying is the most uninteresting thing ever. She doesn’t agree with anything the catholic church says - abortion which she has done herself, same sex marriage, going to church, nothing, only in God. She wants me to forgive her for her constant angry outburts on me but never says she’s sorry. She will insult me, yell at me, be mean to me one evening then pretend like nothing happened the next morning and she’ll say I need to ‘‘honor my parents’’. That’s the only context she mentions God/religion in… When it comes to respecting parents. Yes, I do try to respect my parents. But it’s hard when I feel like they always let me down.
To summarize everything before I go in and say more: Divorced parents for a long time who refuse to speak to eachother, overbearing cold mother, father who is love but potentially molested me as a child, older brother who has been mean to me my whole life and always say inappropriate things, social anxiety, failed in school, never had boyfriend, boring, problems with health sometimes, etc.
So yes, my parents divorced when I was 7. Not a big deal. I am used to it. Just woke up one day and my mum told me ‘dad and I are no longer together’ and he had moved out. Shortly after that, I got a stepdad. He was a man with anger issues, always mad, always yelling. He once dragged me across a room because I was taking some time to get to the dinner table. After he apologized and it did not happen again. When I was 12, it was a very warm summer day, and I was in the kitchen with him. I complained abou the heat and said it was so hot. He said ‘‘Well take your t-shirt off then.’’ I said ‘‘No i don’t want to’’. He then said ‘‘Yes, take it off’’ I said ‘‘you’re gross’’ and ran out to my mum. He ran after me and spit multible times in my face. My mum had so stand in front of me to protect me because he was so angry. I had other strange encounters with him, two I can recall. For one, he would sometimes slap me on the butt as he walked by as a joke, maybe not a big deal, some do that harmlessly I suppose. Another time, I was maybe 8, I remember I was in their bed and he was watching tv or something, then all of a sudden he started joking with me, but took my arms and placed himself on top of me, not touching me with his body but sort of when you do the plank (the workout) but holding my arms. I got uncomfortable and left to my mum. They separeted when I was a teenager.
Now my dad and I have a good relationship today, but I can’t help but not trust him completely because of what happened in the past. I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all, only from maybe 10 up. Only a few few things do I remember. But I do remember my dad once playing with me, and suddenly putting his hands inside my trousers but outside of my underwear. He had them there for a while. Then as I got to my teenage years (early teenage years) he would try to tuch my butt alot. Everytime we hugged, his hand would slide down my back and to my butt. I used to tell him to stop, and I learned quickly to never show skin in front of him cause I knew he would stare, and I learned to quickly back off after a hug before his hand had a chance to touch my butt. When I walked by, he would sometimes clap his hand on my butt. When I got tired of this and talked to him by email, he got very angry and said’’ I was accusing him of being a pedophile and that he had never touched me (a big lie)’’ and ‘‘if I have these thoughts about him it’s best we never meet again which is a shame because we used to be good friends’’. I donä’t want to think my own dad is a creep, but these things make me uncomfortable. To this day, I have to think of what I wear in front of him. Not for religious reasons or so (he is atheist) but because I know he will stare. Even now, he looks at my body so much. If he is sitting down and I stand up and I happen to look back I always catch him staring at my butt or body in general. My dressing sense is not revealing at all, in fact I dress quite conservative. But it sucks to not be able to relax in front of family. He is older and sick so I don’t want to fight but all this is weighing on me.
My mother… Well, she comes from a family that did not show a lot of love, so she is not used to affection so much. She cannot help it. But as much as I hate saying this, she is quite narcissistic and cold. Every single conversation we have is about her. She will talk all day nonstop but if I say even a word in response I am immidiately interrupted or she will completely ignore what I said and continue to talk… I tried saying this to her and she said I should just listen to her and be quiet and not speak back and answer. Uhmm… Okay, then it’s not really a conversation… I feel like she just doesn’t care. Once I was in a situation where I was being followed by a wierd man, I asked her can she please pick me up (it was 10 minutes with drive) she says no, I’m tired, take the bus. (It was late). She has said many hurtful things to me, like once she said she wished she had aborted me. She’s always comparing me to others indirectly e.g. that daughter is in medical school, why cant you be like her etc. If I try to hug her, she pushes me away after a few seconds. ‘‘I love you’’ and ‘‘How are you feeling?’’ are nonexistant. I always listen to her, but if I try to say anything about my life, how I’m feeling, she looks like she wants to die from boredom and as if what I am saying is the most uninteresting thing ever. She doesn’t agree with anything the catholic church says - abortion which she has done herself, same sex marriage, going to church, nothing, only in God. She wants me to forgive her for her constant angry outburts on me but never says she’s sorry. She will insult me, yell at me, be mean to me one evening then pretend like nothing happened the next morning and she’ll say I need to ‘‘honor my parents’’. That’s the only context she mentions God/religion in… When it comes to respecting parents. Yes, I do try to respect my parents. But it’s hard when I feel like they always let me down.
.