23 Year Marriage In Jeopardy

[Axios]

So, your wife wouldn’t consider a marriage counselor through Catholic Social Services or speaking with your priest?

At this point ClearWater…no. Any requests that we attend any type of therapy were flatly refused by my wife.

When asked the reply from my wife was a chorus of “Too late…I’m done.”

Like I said previously, it’s like talking to a stranger at this point.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Hi Bell(name removed by moderator)

It was the old, infamous “I love you but I’m not in love with you” routine.

She stated that she wanted more out of life at this point and couldn’t see it happening with me.

Maybe a bit of background. She was always gainfully employed throughout our marriage, except for the few years that she was a stay at home mom when the boys were little. She was a rather sucessful hairstylist and did exceptional work.

About 5 years ago she made a drastic career change and decided to join the local fire department as this was a dream of hers since watching “Emergency” on TV as a child. She passed all of the requirements, physically and theory exam-wise, and became a firefighter. The family was so very proud of her and her accomplishment.

She carried on her education to include EMT certification as well as fire investigation and fire inspection. Just before Christmas this year she landed a job as a fire investigator with a department in a city about 25 miles away from the city that we live in. Little did I know that she had plans to make that city her new home away from us to carry on with her new position.

Emergency services of any kind, be it fire, ambulance or police, seem to be rife with marital disasters. In the local department alone there has been a total of 5 divorces and 6 separations…and thats within an 80 person department this last year alone.

I swear that this stuff seems to be contagious.

So sorry to hear that. I’m in a similar situation as my husband is also in emergency services (law enforcement) and no longer feels in love with me. We’ve only been married 7 years though and he is still in the home and attending counseling. He’s still pessimistic about the marriage though. I suggest The Divorce Remedy book by Michele Weiner Davis. I’ve found the tips in that book helpful. I will pray for you!

 

[Axios]

So sorry to hear that. I’m in a similar situation as my husband is also in emergency services (law enforcement) and no longer feels in love with me. We’ve only been married 7 years though and he is still in the home and attending counseling. He’s still pessimistic about the marriage though. I suggest The Divorce Remedy book by Michele Weiner Davis. I’ve found the tips in that book helpful. I will pray for you!

Bernadettefaith

It’s tragic how that works isn’t it? It really is a society unto itself. I guess when you spend as much time as they do together in some situations that nobody should ever be exposed to, they become their own family. With all of the dynamics that can be toxic to their real family at home.
And they cover for each other really well too. I know this because of all of the stuff that gets pulled off at the firehall “that stays at the firehall”. And that ranges from simple pranks all the way up to blatant adultery.

All this while we spouses are at home wondering if they’ll make it through a shift OK and in one piece. Like we have nothing more to worry about.

I picked up the book that you had recommended and read it all in one sitting. Looks like I have someone with “Walk Away Wife Syndrome”. on my hands. Add to this the fact that she is 47 years old and we can throw in the “Mid Life Crisis” scenario as well and add a woman who is either just pre-menopausal or has just entered it. It keeps getting better and better…

I’ll say a prayer for your marriage as well and I hope that you can work this out with your husband. Keep going to that counseling. Feel glad that at least your spouse is going. That’s important.

 

[CatholicServant]

Reading your posts I was thinking the mid-life crisis thing as well. i will be praying for you and your boys, along with your marriage. Try not to show her anger or guilt, no matter how hard, justifiably so, it is. Continue to show her unconditional love - keep inviting her to mass with you and your two sons. If it is a temporary “i am unsatisfied” life stage, you will be a moral rock for her for when she inevitably sees the horrible mistake she made. God bless you and your sons

 

[ynotzap]

When I see “Catholic” as a religion of choice, I often wonder if there was a real conversion taken place. You sound like you have grounding in your faith. Was your wife grounded in hers and was she Catholic? I repeat this very often, faith is a gift from God, and it comes in only one way, an encounter with Jesus Christ as Lord and redeemer of one’s life, we commit ourselves to Him, we are Baptized and repent for whatever sins and faults we may have committed, then we open ourselves up to Him completely. Many Catholics have not been Evangelized, and we follow all the rules the best we can. You take your faith seriously, can you say the same for your wife? If she hadn’t then she does not experience the commitment to the family that you do. She can’t give what she doesn’t have. Conversion comes through Christ alone. We can give good example, advise, be charitable but all we can do is point the way, and pray.and live a Christian life to the best of our abilities. She needs to meet Christ in her own personal way. Jesus can do the impossible, and in Him there is always hope. He allows these things to happen to bring about some spiritual good. It is hard to see and sometimes, many times very painful (I know) I believe you are doing the right thing, and perhaps advise your children to have a more Christian sympathetic view considering that she is handicapped spiritually. Have them if they can, practice their own faith by still loving her, and praying for her.inspite of all the pain. God is with you,and actually with her, she doesn’t know it The work she is in might bring her around. One’s dreams can be illusions, reality can destroy that illusion. I think many have found that out.

 

[thewanderer]

Hi Bell(name removed by moderator)

It was the old, infamous “I love you but I’m not in love with you” routine.

She stated that she wanted more out of life at this point and couldn’t see it happening with me.

Maybe a bit of background. She was always gainfully employed throughout our marriage, except for the few years that she was a stay at home mom when the boys were little. She was a rather sucessful hairstylist and did exceptional work.

About 5 years ago she made a drastic career change and decided to join the local fire department as this was a dream of hers since watching “Emergency” on TV as a child. She passed all of the requirements, physically and theory exam-wise, and became a firefighter. The family was so very proud of her and her accomplishment.

She carried on her education to include EMT certification as well as fire investigation and fire inspection.** Just before Christmas this year she landed a job as a fire investigator with a department in a city about 25 miles away from the city that we live in.** Little did I know that she had plans to make that city her new home away from us to carry on with her new position.

Emergency services of any kind, be it fire, ambulance or police, seem to be rife with marital disasters. In the local department alone there has been a total of 5 divorces and 6 separations…and thats within an 80 person department this last year alone.

I swear that this stuff seems to be contagious.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how much did you guys talk about how this new job oportunity was going to work out? And have you ever considered moving to be closer to her work?

I realize the issues are probably much deeper than this, but I know I wouldn’t want a 25 mile commute, and I can see how if you were extremely passionate about a particular job and going through a rough patch in your marriage you would be tempted to move for your job whether your spouse came with you or not.

 

[Eagle85]

I know and live your pain daily. My wife and I were together 30 years, married for 27 of them. Now divorced for 2.5 years. I’ve read several books by Michele Weiner Davis, all were excellent , and right on target. Do not be surprised by what you learn about your wife. Your in an extremely difficult situation, as I have been there, my faith in the Lord has given me the strength to make it through. I have and will keep my marriage vows till the day I die, unfortunately, in my situation they were meaningless words spoken by my wife. Michele Weiner Davis has a lot of good ideas in which I suggest you try to follow. I will pray for you, your family and your marriage. As you go through this most trying time in your life, you’ll discover new friendships and people who truly care. Another source for help, whereby I highly recommend is a local divorcecare support group. divorcecare.org/ You don’t have to be divorced to participate, I’ve taken the 14 week program twice and many in the group were in the separation status. You don’t have to go through this alone.

 

[Axios]

**You take your faith seriously, can you say the same for your wife? If she hadn’t then she does not experience the commitment to the family that you do. ****She can’t give what she doesn’t have. ** Conversion comes through Christ alone. We can give good example, advise, be charitable but all we can do is point the way, and pray.and live a Christian life to the best of our abilities. She needs to meet Christ in her own personal way. Jesus can do the impossible, and in Him there is always hope. He allows these things to happen to bring about some spiritual good. It is hard to see and sometimes, many times very painful (I know) I believe you are doing the right thing, and perhaps advise your children to have a more Christian sympathetic view considering that she is handicapped spiritually. Have them if they can, practice their own faith by still loving her, and praying for her.inspite of all the pain. **God is with you,and actually with her, she doesn’t know it **The work she is in might bring her around. One’s dreams can be illusions, reality can destroy that illusion. I think many have found that out.

ynotzap

Very wise words, my friend, that made me reflect back in time.

When I met my wife she identified as Christian with no affiliation to any denomination. Her mother was a practicing Baptist and her father was basically an agnostic at best. As our relationship got more serious she would attend church with me every Sunday. Before we got engaged she expressed a great desire to become Catholic. She had taken the necessary courses and was baptized about six months before our wedding. All of this took place during the five year time span that we were dating. There wasn’t any pressure from me to directly influence her decision. There wasn’t a need to…at the time she was in many ways a better practicing Catholic than I was.

But in saying that let me bring up my wifes experience with family life as she knew it before and during our marriage:

• Her parents went through with a violent divorce when she was 11. She stayed with her mother and two older sisters until she was 14. At that point her and her sisters were essentially thrown out of the house because their mother felt that they communicated too much with their father…with whom her mother still had a huge hate on.
• The three girls were taken in by their father and his new wife, who was also a recent divorcee at the time. The addition of these three teenage girls created a love/hate relationship with their fathers new wife. This did settle down in time though. My wife moved out on her own a month after she turned 18.
• Here’s her families track record during the course of our 23 year marriage:
  Her oldest sister (who is my age) has married twice and divorced twice. She is single at this time.
  The next sister is on her second marriage and that is seriously on life support at this time.
  My wife has a younger step sister who is on her second marriage in the course of 3 years.

I think this track record speaks for itself. Besides our marriage, her own family’s history is a blazing train wreck. Divorce and strife was standard operating procedure. My side of the family celebrates 50th wedding anniversaries.

Saying that, I thought that she wouldn’t ever consider doing what she is now doing because she had personally gone through the pain of her own family breakups and knew the emotional costs involved.

Obviously I was wrong in my assumption.

 

[Axios]

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how much did you guys talk about how this new job oportunity was going to work out? And have you ever considered moving to be closer to her work?

I realize the issues are probably much deeper than this, but I know I wouldn’t want a 25 mile commute, and I can see how if you were extremely passionate about a particular job and going through a rough patch in your marriage you would be tempted to move for your job whether your spouse came with you or not.

thewanderer:

All of the new job action took place during the month of December. During this time things were quite calm as it now appears that my wife put on the face because of the holidays and her new job. She started her new position a couple of weeks before Christmas and began her commuting.

In all honesty a 25 mile commute is not at all unusual in our neck of the woods. With the freeway sytem we have that equates to roughly a 25 minute drive one way. There are people that I work with that commute 40 - 50 miles one way every day. My wife often drove 20 miles into the city when she was on ambulance duty so this wasn’t anything new to her. She often commented that she enjoyed the drive home to decompress from the day.

When I got the separation smack down on New Years Day she told me that she was moving away to be on her own in the new city. She also went on to berate me for being “soooo ignorant” that I didn’t see this new job of hers as “her ticket to ride” right out the door. Silly me!

Would I move to the new location? In a New York minute!

That deal is, unfortunately, not an obvious option at this time.

 

[Axios]

I know and live your pain daily. My wife and I were together 30 years, married for 27 of them. Now divorced for 2.5 years. I’ve read several books by Michele Weiner Davis, all were excellent , and right on target. Do not be surprised by what you learn about your wife. Your in an extremely difficult situation, as I have been there, my faith in the Lord has given me the strength to make it through. I have and will keep my marriage vows till the day I die, unfortunately, in my situation they were meaningless words spoken by my wife. Michele Weiner Davis has a lot of good ideas in which I suggest you try to follow. I will pray for you, your family and your marriage. As you go through this most trying time in your life, you’ll discover new friendships and people who truly care. Another source for help, whereby I highly recommend is a local divorcecare support group. divorcecare.org/ You don’t have to be divorced to participate, I’ve taken the 14 week program twice and many in the group were in the separation status. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Thanks Eagle85

I hear what your saying and feel your pain in your words. Believe me, at this point in time nothing that my wife pulls off would surprise me. It’s been surprise after surprise after surprise for the past while. I’m very numb at this point, both mentally and physically.

I had a wife of a close friend comment to me yesterday “Jesus must love you very, very much!”

I was a bit confused by this comment and wondered what she meant by that statement, especially at this time. “Why?” I asked.

“Because He’s letting you carry his cross for him for awhile.” I just about broke down right there.

Weiner Davis has some excellent recommendations for sure. Doing “The 180” right now. And yes, along with counciling I have been looking for a local support group. I am feeling very much alone at this time. It’s absolutely amazing how big and quiet a normal size bungalow can be. And my wifes essence is all over it.

 

[thewanderer]

thewanderer:

All of the new job action took place during the month of December. During this time things were quite calm as it now appears that my wife put on the face because of the holidays and her new job. She started her new position a couple of weeks before Christmas and began her commuting.

In all honesty a 25 mile commute is not at all unusual in our neck of the woods. With the freeway sytem we have that equates to roughly a 25 minute drive one way. There are people that I work with that commute 40 - 50 miles one way every day. My wife often drove 20 miles into the city when she was on ambulance duty so this wasn’t anything new to her. She often commented that she enjoyed the drive home to decompress from the day.

When I got the separation smack down on New Years Day she told me that she was moving away to be on her own in the new city. She also went on to berate me for being “soooo ignorant” that I didn’t see this new job of hers as “her ticket to ride” right out the door. Silly me!

Would I move to the new location? In a New York minute!

That deal is, unfortunately, not an obvious option at this time.

I guess I was just comparing it to my commute, which is over 10 miles shorter but even with the freeways takes 45 min to an hour. I’m sorry to hear that and I will be sure to keep you and your family in my prayers. :hug1:

 

[ynotzap]

What one experiences as a child leaves very deep impressions in ones’ mind that can last a life time, they are unresolved psychological, spiritual in nature. They may include a great deal of insecurity and lack of love. They may even involve an escape from reality. We humans are so vulnerable. We chase our dreams in hope to find happiness, and there is no complete happiness on earth but there is peace, and love, which are gifts from God, a peace that the world can not give, and even a love the world can not give. Jesus came to give us that love and peace. It seems to me that your wife needs an innner healing, she is a victim as many are of life’s hurts. Petition Jesus for her and yourself to bring that love and peace. Never give up, and never be tempted to lose your faith in Christ, as you said “Satan there is no way you will win this one” (paraphrase) Be careful we can’t make anyone or anything our God. only Jesus Christ who created all things. God bless you always.

 

[kbachler]

Just finished reading The Five Love Languages. It is really good and would recommend it for those who feel that love but are not “in love.”

As he and other counselors will say, long term love is a choice. He would likely argue that her emotional tank is empty for some reason, and perhaps that has provided an opportunity for a fox to sniff under the door. The moving away part makes me think that likely, but I could be wrong.

I’m not an expert, but I think this author and many counselors might suggest an approach of: “I understand that somehow I haven’t provided for your emotional needs in the marriage. I didn’t realize it earlier, and this is a huge wake-up call to me. I am willing to work hard to be the best possible husband to you, and would like you to tell me what you need.”

Then just LISTEN to what she says, and take it as information, no matter if she is angry, sad, rants, etc. Try to decipher it into her “love language” and respond in that language to refill her emotional tank.

This book puts a fresh spin on how to communicate effectively with one’s spouse, and does a good job of creating a practical allegory that can be followed. Good luck - I hope its not too late.

 

[Axios]

Just finished reading The Five Love Languages. It is really good and would recommend it for those who feel that love but are not “in love.”

As he and other counselors will say, long term love is a choice. He would likely argue that her emotional tank is empty for some reason, and perhaps that has provided an opportunity for a fox to sniff under the door. The moving away part makes me think that likely, but I could be wrong.

I’m not an expert, but I think this author and many counselors might suggest an approach of: “I understand that somehow I haven’t provided for your emotional needs in the marriage. I didn’t realize it earlier, and this is a huge wake-up call to me. I am willing to work hard to be the best possible husband to you, and would like you to tell me what you need.”

Then just LISTEN to what she says, and take it as information, no matter if she is angry, sad, rants, etc. Try to decipher it into her “love language” and respond in that language to refill her emotional tank.

This book puts a fresh spin on how to communicate effectively with one’s spouse, and does a good job of creating a practical allegory that can be followed. Good luck - I hope its not too late.

Thanks for that kbachler. I’ll look into the book that you had recommended.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

a tad late to the thread so I’ll offer the short, short version of what happened to Axios: his wife has lost all respect for him. Whatever attracted her to him in the beginning is long gone for her now. Hence her blowing up the marriage against everyone from her husband to her kids to her family. It’s not irreversible but it is darn close to that. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, she’s been feeling this way for a long time. Would ask Axios what kind of man he was in the beginning when he first courted and married her, and how he is different from that man today. Not saying it’s all his fault, but he does need to take a look at his own part in this. Where did he lose his leadership? Where did he lose her respect? My prayers for all concerned, especially the kids for they are the ones who will suffer the most from what she has done.

 

[Axios]

a tad late to the thread so I’ll offer the short, short version of what happened to Axios: his wife has lost all respect for him. Whatever attracted her to him in the beginning is long gone for her now. Hence her blowing up the marriage against everyone from her husband to her kids to her family. It’s not irreversible but it is darn close to that. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, she’s been feeling this way for a long time. Would ask Axios what kind of man he was in the beginning when he first courted and married her, and how he is different from that man today. Not saying it’s all his fault, but he does need to take a look at his own part in this. Where did he lose his leadership? Where did he lose her respect? My prayers for all concerned, especially the kids for they are the ones who will suffer the most from what she has done.

Zzyzx Road

Afetr much thought, I would have to say that I haven’t changed much in character from that time. Throughout the marriage I was told that what attracted my wife to me was my lay back demeanor, kindness and having a long fuse on my temper. I didn’t let myself go physically…I can still put on my high school graduation suit. I have been told that I look like I’m in my mid thirties so I have been lucky in that regard.

Having said that, your post did tweak a thought or two. In all of the 23 years that we were together I can’t think of one time that we had a knock down, drag it out fight. We could have an arguement but it was always done civally. This bothered her. Sometimes a lot. She said that if I didn’t fight with her that it was an indication that I didn’t love her (?). Maybe my calm character irked her? The house that I grew up in was that way. I don’t ever remember hearing my parents fight or argue ever. Her family was in constant controversy, right to this very day. Could the lack of fighting present itself as a weakness to her? Very possibly.

Another thing that I think comes into play is the past five years in which she made the career change from hairstyling to the fire / EMS role. She put a ton of hard work in to achieve this new career and was constantly studying and working out. Her mindset was totally involved in striving to be the best that she could be because fire services is still an old boys club and she was out to prove that women belonged as well. Her hard work was finally rewarded with her graduation into the department. During this period of time she was essentially unemployed and I had to carry the weight of the household financials. During this time she developed a real gung ho attitude (comes with the territory) and started harping on me with statements like “you are way too content with your life” or “how are you driving forward for your future?” I’ve been gainfully employed by a large multinational oil company for the past 20 years and enjoy an executive position. This has allowed me to be home with the family after work and contribute to the families well being.

Could this be construed as me being boring and living for the day? Could possibly be. Funny how that wasn’t an issue before her career change. But I guess, in her mind, they could have been bricks in her respect wall.

 

[Irishmom2]

a tad late to the thread so I’ll offer the short, short version of what happened to Axios: his wife has lost all respect for him. Whatever attracted her to him in the beginning is long gone for her now. Hence her blowing up the marriage against everyone from her husband to her kids to her family. It’s not irreversible but it is darn close to that. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, she’s been feeling this way for a long time. Would ask Axios what kind of man he was in the beginning when he first courted and married her, and how he is different from that man today. Not saying it’s all his fault, but he does need to take a look at his own part in this. Where did he lose his leadership? Where did he lose her respect? My prayers for all concerned, especially the kids for they are the ones who will suffer the most from what she has done.

It sure does sound like you think it is all his fault. “She’s been feeling this way for a long time” how in the world would you know that to make such an assumption?

Sometimes, it actually IS the person leaving, or cheating, or who develops emotional issues fault and not the left behind spouse. So let’s just work under the premise that what the OP has said is actually as he says as not make up different scenarios. He came here for support, not to have your finger pointing at him.

 

[Sunbreak]

I don’t think it was the poster’s fault. Maybe his wife changed her priorities. I knew one person who, after many years of marriage, decided her husband was “boring” and divorced him. He was a nice guy and she really had nothing bad to say about him other than he was boring and she didn’t want to be married anymore. These things happen and it’s really sad. Sometimes one person in a marriage doesn’t really have a strong commitment. Sometimes, one person doesn’t talk about what the real problem is, lets it all simmer and then blows up. It seems like it comes out of the blue but really, the person has been mulling it over for a long time. This way of doing things is very traumatic to the other people involved.

 

[SED]

I understand your pain. Sad to say Im in the same boat. Also at 23 years, and 2 kids in college now. It has been a year and a half since she moved out, but she has not filed.

We still talk once in a while(mostly about the kids needs), we respect each other, are still loving parents, we see each other as needed to handle finances, kids needs, etc. bump into each other at church. I won’t go into more detail right now but if you ever want to talk to a guy who understands, feel free to message me.

The one good( ok great) thing has been my turning to God. I could not have gotten this far without him. I still have hope for our marriage, I don’t really know why, but I do.

This is a prayer I found while visiting the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. It is at an oratory for the Holy Family In the crypt church. I pray this often and I will pray it for you now.

God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, you are love and life. Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world. Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love. Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage may prove mightier than all weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant the church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family. We ask this of you, who are life, truth, and love with the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen

 

[EmeraldOak]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share but I honestly do not know what advice to give except keep showing her you love her. May St. Michael help you fight this battle.

St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou,
O Prince of the heavenly hosts,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan,
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.