23 Year Marriage In Jeopardy

[Groo]

The 5 Love Languages is a great book on communication. In this instance though, the communication is pretty clear. He wants to stay in a marital relationship and she does not. There is no confusion here. She left the family home and retained a lawyer. What she wants at this moment is as clear as can be. And she knows darn well what he wants but obviously doesn’t care. Again, not a communication problem.

One does not have to literally use begging words to look like a beggar. Initiating frequent and unsolicited conversations like, “hi, can we talk?” would correctly be interpreted as begging. It would only make him look weak in her eyes.

By letting her go, she may come to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. She may grow to miss him. But if he keeps contacting her then she will never get the chance to miss him.

Most importantly though, I think the OP needs to emotionally start grieving the loss if she sticks to her plan. Trying to chase her down, it seems to me, would only extend the pain.

 

[Axios]

We have one-half the story, and a man who says that when his marriage was faced with a challenge, his response was not to communicate.

Why should he want to talk to his wife? To help his marriage succeed - to be healthy. For exactly the same reason as he would treat an injury.

He and his wife BECAME ONE. I’m amazed at how many people don’t get what that means, and then criticize when its pointed out. I’m not saying he should crawl or sacrifice his personal self. I am saying that it is rare that a situation like this is entirely one sided. Does her behavior sound like that of an irrational person? It doesn’t to me. It sounds like someone who was tried and failed to communicate and then gave up. Or perhaps someone who decided that maybe if she gave her husband a shock he’d finally communicate. I don’t know - I can’t know. What I do know is that his half of the story doesn’t sound like the entire story - and certainly his response indicates a prideful approach rather than one with the best interests of the marriage at heart.

When faced with actions that the end of his marriage was imminent - what did he do? He was PROUD of the fact that he DIDN’T communicate.

People sinned against Christ and God their entire lives - He ENGAGED THEM in a conversation.

I’m sorry - I think you’re way off base here. It’s not about blame. It’s not about being right. It’s about working on the commitment you made - even when the other person cannot.

That doesn’t mean excusing them. That doesn’t mean telling them bad behavior is ok (Christ did neither of those right? - Yet He still started a conversation.) It means keeping communication open.

No one suggested begging and pleading. In fact, I think the opposite was stated. Begging and pleading is not a good idea. What WAS suggested was making certain that he was taking ownership of any failings in the marriage. What was suggested was making clear statements of what he wanted, emotionally and in the relationship.

kbachler

First of all, do you not think that any kind of meaningful conversations took place in the month before the move out?

It was like trying to converse and reason with a brick wall.

You can try and talk all you want but the bottom line is it usually takes two to carry out any kind of conversation. There came a time that I had to back off. For the marriages sake and for my own sanity. I had to just let go.

When I said that I was proud of no longer trying to communicate it was after she had left. At this point if she wants to talk to me she can get a hold of me. This is important. She knows exactly and clearly how I feel. It’s her move now.

If I pester her with relationship stuff every day, well I think you know what happens next. Going “dark” creates an air of mystery. If she contacts me I will gladly converse if its civil. My door is always open.

She has to start wondering what’s going on around here. That might trigger other thoughts about home for her as well. It might not either.

Women like a man with dignity. It’s an attractive trait to them. That doesn’t mean being a jerk. It just means acting like a man.

 

[Axios]

the 5 love languages is a great book on communication. In this instance though, the communication is pretty clear. He wants to stay in a marital relationship and she does not. There is no confusion here. She left the family home and retained a lawyer. What she wants at this moment is as clear as can be. And she knows darn well what he wants but obviously doesn’t care. Again, not a communication problem.

One does not have to literally use begging words to look like a beggar. Initiating frequent and unsolicited conversations like, “hi, can we talk?” would correctly be interpreted as begging. It would only make him look weak in her eyes.

By letting her go, she may come to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. She may grow to miss him. But if he keeps contacting her then she will never get the chance to miss him.

Most importantly though, i think the op needs to emotionally start grieving the loss if she sticks to her plan. Trying to chase her down, it seems to me, would only extend the pain.

Exactly!

 

[mek42]

I would usually preface what I’m about to say with, if I were in your situation…, but we’re in a high stress time right now and I don’t want to tempt fate, so I will just offer some ideas.

My co-worker’s brother’s ex-wife recently passed away about a year after a nasty divorce situation similar to where your situation seems to be headed. He wanted reconciliation, she got a good attorney and took him to the cleaners. Find yourself a good attorney who, while recognizing that divorce is not your desired outcome, is willing and able to come down on her like a ton of bricks to protect your assets and perhaps even get you a piece of the income from the career of hers that you funded. The brother I mentioned, the wife squandered the assets she acquired in the divorce proceedings and now there is no estate from which to build a legacy for their children, who did not have time to resolve their anger with their mother.

Such an attorney may even be able to delay divorce proceedings initiated by her, or possibly even prevent it, depending on your state laws. They might even be able to arrange for liquid assets to be placed in trust for your children , rather than being potentially squandered by a woman leaving her family for no compelling reason. Forgiveness may be done while also preserving assets to be handed down to your children. Listen to your good attorney, even if your emotions thirst for a different reality.

Good luck. Even though they are adults now, try to have a support network other than your children.

 

[Axios]

I would usually preface what I’m about to say with, if I were in your situation…, but we’re in a high stress time right now and I don’t want to tempt fate, so I will just offer some ideas.

My co-worker’s brother’s ex-wife recently passed away about a year after a nasty divorce situation similar to where your situation seems to be headed. He wanted reconciliation, she got a good attorney and took him to the cleaners. Find yourself a good attorney who, while recognizing that divorce is not your desired outcome, is willing and able to come down on her like a ton of bricks to protect your assets and perhaps even get you a piece of the income from the career of hers that you funded. The brother I mentioned, the wife squandered the assets she acquired in the divorce proceedings and now there is no estate from which to build a legacy for their children, who did not have time to resolve their anger with their mother.

Such an attorney may even be able to delay divorce proceedings initiated by her, or possibly even prevent it, depending on your state laws. They might even be able to arrange for liquid assets to be placed in trust for your children , rather than being potentially squandered by a woman leaving her family for no compelling reason. Forgiveness may be done while also preserving assets to be handed down to your children. Listen to your good attorney, even if your emotions thirst for a different reality.

Good luck. Even though they are adults now, try to have a support network other than your children.

mek42

Good advice and well received.

I have a meeting with a lawyer next week. This is strange territory for me. The last time I had anything to do with a lawyer was 22 years ago when we purchased our house.

I have an excellent support system in place right now that is there not only for myself but for my sons as well. I’ve made a point of not leaning on my sons for support. I’m there to support them through all of this.

 

[jimmy]

Axios thanks for clearing things up in your response. sorry if i made some false assumptions. some of the suggestions by other posters suggest that you should basically grovel or act in a way that will come off that way to her. It seems that you are handling this in the best way you can.

 

[Axios]

Axios thanks for clearing things up in your response. sorry if i made some false assumptions. some of the suggestions by other posters suggest that you should basically grovel or act in a way that will come off that way to her. It seems that you are handling this in the best way you can.

jimmy

No need to apologize my friend. There’s no way you could have ever known without presenting the situation. And that is absolutely fair.

We’re trying to handle this as well as we can…even if some of the actions used are really counter-intuitive. I wouldn’t wish this situation on my very worst enemy. Separation and divorce are very violent actions on one’s soul.