26-Year-Old Stepson Who Won't Work

[jmcrae]

But the reason I believe a gradual suspension of funds would be proper is because I feel that he has to “learn” how to get a job, work and support himself. The longer he waits to get into the job market, the harder it will be for him. He has absolutely no job resume now. Employers want to know about past work experience to judge a person’s character. When a job applicant is near 30, and has no experience, that will set off red flags. I think he has to start working or volunteering asap to have something to show future employers.

I think this would be the best approach.

As far as setting deadlines for financial goals, I wouldn’t frame them as “consequences” but rather, simply as realities that will exist at those times. For example, you could say, “After October 1, your mother and I are no longer going to be able to pay you gas money or buy your car insurance. What we suggest is that you get a part time job that would pay you enough for you to be able to look after these expenses for yourself, because otherwise, you’re going to be without the use of your car - and we know how important that is, to you!”

Then, you can help him look through the classified ads to see which jobs might suit him, suggest to him what to tell the receptionist when he phones them, and then encourage him when he goes to the place for a visit or an interview. Don’t make it seem like a “punishment.”

 

[GerardMajella]

He has a plan to get a degree in nursing - but that means three more years of college because he takes a slow path of 12 credits a semester or less and wastes his summer. And, I have to pay for it.

The “slow path” of getting his nursing degree is totally 100% unacceptable.

And, no, you don’t have to pay for it. Not at his age. By age 18, you have every legal right to sever all financial ties, most especially if you feel that your stepson is abusing the situation and taking advantage of your generosity!

I pay for his cell phone, car insurance, gas money, books, tuition, food, clothes - everything.

Time for a man-to-man talk, “heart-to-heart”:

Give him 30 days to find a job and move out on his own. Tell him that the days of supporting him have ended. Confiscate his cell phone, unless he agrees to move the cell phone into his own name and pay the bill himself – and he has to do this pronto. Same goes for the car. No more tuition payments, books, etc. No more gas money, no more food money, no more clothing money. Period. End of story.

Sever all financial ties immediately. The sooner, the better. It’s time for his wake-up call.

He is going to be upset. Expect him to lash out at you. You may have to take swift and decisive action to evict him even sooner than 30 days if he retaliates against you. That’s okay. Tough love is never easy.

I do, however, like the “We can’t afford it anymore” ploy noted in the above post. That is probably a better, and lighter way of handling this. I tend to be more old school and blunt, but use whatever approach works for you.

stays with his girlfriend overnight (his mom gives him gas money)

Not as long as he is living under your roof. No, sir. And you need to have a talk with Mama to make sure she is on board. She can’t sabotage your efforts.

Same goes for the lying. If you catch him lying, eviction will be expedited even sooner than 30 days.

I am afraid I will be seen as a bad and evil stepfather. I also don’t want to act out of hate or anger.

No, not at all. You are most definitely not going to be acting “bad and evil”. And, you are not acting out of “hate and anger”. Realism and practicality, perhaps, but not hatred and anger.

 

[Abba]

Abba,

First, thank you very much for your comments. Your comment that I quote above is the same thought that I have many times. And that is why I posted here, because I want to make sure that my future actions are taken out of concern and wisdom and not anger. There is a lot going on here, and it would be impossible to relay every bit of information. I think I provided enough, however. But did I mention that we are now in financial distress because of these past, present and future college costs and extra expenses? Expenses that we have borne for the last eight years.

But the reason I believe a gradual suspension of funds would be proper is because I feel that he has to “learn” how to get a job, work and support himself. The longer he waits to get into the job market, the harder it will be for him. He has absolutely no job resume now. Employers want to know about past work experience to judge a person’s character. When a job applicant is near 30, and has no experience, that will set off red flags. I think he has to start working or volunteering asap to have something to show future employers.

Hello Rusy,

Thank you for addressing me and quoting some of my writings on your post. You are very diplomatic. I will not write what you want to read. There are and will be plenty of posters that will support you in what you want to do. It looks to me as though you are holding back information to get the support you want.

The way I view your situation is that it is a delicate matter and involves human beings that are hurting from it as it is. You are not answering the questions. You want to present the situation in a superficial and unbalanced way and as such I don’t think that you will get good advice. You want support for what you want to do. But, there seems to be there more than meets the eyes. There is a lot of hatred and resentment. Does this have to do with the young man or with you? How long have you known him and his mother?

That aside, certainly, a family is not like a factory nor a human being like a product. So, the product is scheduled to go thru the assembly line by a certain time then packed, sealed and shipped. Family life and human beings do not work that way. Situation that are mishandled can end up gravely bad. You need to be clear about what is going on before you put a young man against the wall. Not to mention that you may be the one kicked out.

I think this forum is great and offers people the opportunity to share problems and people receive a lot of good guidance that are put into immediate use. It is great that it is anonymous too; why not take advantage?

Peace,

Abba

 

[1ke]

Ask yourself, would you have such a difficult time paying and supporting such a situation if he was your own son?

Uh, heck yes.

What do you mean that he is not acting like a man? What is a man to you?

Someone who, at 26 is gainfully employed and supporting themselves.

If he was having a difficult time with his studies, perhaps, it is smart of him to limit his work load so that he does well. Maybe, if he was not living under such stress he could work during the summer, but, I must say it sound like there is a lot of resentment and anger at home.

Cue violin music playing tragically for the poor soul who sits around watching TV all day and whose Mommy gives him gas money at age 26.

26 use to sound like a big number. It doesn’t anymore. In the nineteenth century people used to get marry much earlier and did not spend so much time preparing for a career. However, in our time, people typically go off to study at the university and the studies could be prolonged to a Ph.d which could bring the person to that age with no problem. Not to mention the post-docs.

Cue two violins.

Your wife’s son is studying to be a nurse and did not do well at the university - let him finish.

Yes, on his own dime.

 

[Rusyn0802]

Hello Rusy,

It looks to me as though you are holding back information to get the support you want.

You are not answering the questions. You want to present the situation in a superficial and unbalanced way and as such I don’t think that you will get good advice.

I think this forum is great and offers people the opportunity to share problems and people receive a lot of good guidance that are put into immediate use. It is great that it is anonymous too; why not take advantage?

Thanks again, Abba. I have no problems with what you post. I don’t believe there is anything more to give you other than to go into detail about the deceptions and lies that were told to us so that we would continue paying for his college lifesyle in Florida - college without going to class anyway. And costs which exceeded $80,000. But as another poster suggested - it is the lack of effort that gnaws at my soul - not the money. The all night TV watching, sleeping till noon, then spending the night(s) at his girl friends place. I don’t think I would feel differently were he my own flesh and blood. But would I act differently? Yes, In fact, I think I would be much harder on my own. It is because he is not by biological son that I hesitate.

 

[SMHW]

I’d like to suggest that your biggest problem ***may ***not the stepson. It seems to me that what you might have a marital problem.

You have not addressed the matter (brought up by some in other posts in this thread) as to where the biological father of this child is. (Stepchildren with living parents often hold a certain natural contempt for the step parent.) And you have said nothing to indicate that your wife is eager for your son to start pulling his own weight. To the contrary, you say your wife slips her son money for gasoline.

If it is the case that your wife wants to baby her son you need to decide if this is something that can be repaired. It’s not unusual that a parent who brings a child into a marriage will tend to overly favor and baby that child, either because of an unusually close bond that formed with the child prior to the subsequent marriage or because the parent is trying to make up for perceived losses experienced by the child due to the absence of a two parent family. If this is the case, you need to put your stepson on the back burner and work things out with your wife. And you need to make it clear that while you love your stepson, it’s time for her to accept that you are no longer in the parenting phase of life. She needs to move into a new phase. (Don’t be surprised if this is scary for her. Lots of parents, both men and women, have been hiding behind parenthood for many years because they find it easier than being a spouse.)

But perhaps your wife was expecting you to pick up the father role and make a man out of the son and you are the one who was reluctant to take that role because you thought it wasn’t your place to do so. Well, maybe now it is.

I see by your profile that you live in California. Right now California has one of the worst job markets in the United States. A full time job at minimum wage is supposed to be enough money to provide a single person with a rented room. Even that might be tough to get right now. But there are jobs out there! Even a week long temp job is something to put on a resume. You probably have neighbors who will pay him to dig trenches to put in new sprinklers and other such odd jobs.

Some ideas:

Tell your stepson that you are taking him off the cellphone plan next month. Ask him if he wants a twenty dollar tracfone and a 60 minutes pre-paid card as a “going away” present or if he prefers to pay for his own phone and phone plan. Find out how much he will pay to get his own car insurance plan using your insurer and inform your step son when he will be terminated from your plan.

If you want to help your stepson with his tuition and books then that’s OK. But do what businesses do. They reimburse employees when the employee presents a report card showing passing grades. A lot of community colleges in California are paying for one semesters worth of tuition this Fall. If your stepson qualifies for this program then

 

[Musicadmirer]

I don’t think I would feel differently were he my own flesh and blood. But would I act differently? Yes, In fact, I think I would be much harder on my own. It is because he is not by biological son that I hesitate.

St. Joseph adopted Our Lord and Savior Jesus as his own flesh and blood son, even though he wasn’t. When the word ‘step’ is used in general, it usually has a negative connotation that separates family members by blood. It shouldn’t be that way.

 

[Rusyn0802]

You have not addressed the matter (brought up by some in other posts in this thread) as to where the biological father of this child is. (Stepchildren with living parents often hold a certain natural contempt for the step parent.) And you have said nothing to indicate that your wife is eager for your son to start pulling his own weight. To the contrary, you say your wife slips her son money for gasoline.

Thanks for your comments, SMHW. They are things I shall definitely consider. But to answer the direct questions. The biological father died around 10 years ago. He was alive when we were first married. Son would spend summers with his dad. Even then, dad would call mom and complain that son just sat around. My wife is emotionally and physically wrecked. She has argued with him about his life. SHe and I go to church and pray over this every week.

I think you maybe right in several respects. The bottom line is that any response must be as a family.

 

[JimG]

Good grief. He’s 26 years old. He needs to be on his own. 1ke was right in post #2. Preferably it should be his mom that tells him it’s time to cut the cord.

 

[Charlotte1776]

Your step son sounds like three of my friends who are all siblings. All three still live at home even though the oldest is 28. None went to college (well, the yougest got a 2-year art degree but does that really count?) and have no plans to move out any time soon. Your son is like them in that they will continue to live at home and be taken care of by mom and dad as long as it works for them. There is no pressure or responsibility. Everything is given to them. Why would they abandon such a cushy lifestyle?
Ignore the poster who says that encouraging a 26-year-old to live independently is cruel and unloving. The worst thing you could do is allow your stepson to waste his life away being cared for by others. It does not sound like he has ever been required to do anything hard in his life. Talk to you wife about how and when you want to transition him to the real world. If nothing changes, he will still be living with you when he is 30+.
Maybe you could allow him to live at home for a while longer, but make him get a job or continue school full-time. Just don’t let him mooch forever. It’s not only harming him, but it might be harming your marriage too. It’s true that staying at home well into someone’s twenties is more and more common today, but the difference is these people are usually going to school and/or working. Unfortunately, your stepson isn’t really doing either.
Whatever you decide to do, your wife has to be onboard with it. My parents are in a similar situation with my brother right now and mom would love nothing more than to have her son stay at home doing nothing for years even though he flunked out of college last year and is spending thousands of their dollars on computers and pornography (they gave him a credit card that they pay off for him each month). Mom prefers to have everyone safe at home in her care, which is why after I graduated college my parents wanted me to move back for a few years but I ended up meeting the man of my dreams and getting married instead. I can tell you right now I am much happier living independently of her than if I was still stuck at home.
If your wife is anything like my mom, you will probably meet plenty of resistance but you need to hold your ground.

 

[MtnDwellar]

Approach the young man and explain that you love him too much to keep supporting him. You are doing him a great disservice which is stunting his growth and promoting irresponsibility. I know that we want to blame him for being lazy, but it is not all his fault. Some would take the hard road, even though an easier way is readily available, but, many would not. You should stop supporting him out of love, not from anger. Take the right steps. You know what they are.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

I don’t think anyone has previously brought this up, but if they have, I apologize for the duplication…is there any chance your stepson is using drugs? It could very well explain the lack of motivation, the inability to set goals, etc.

From a biological standpoint, your stepson is a man. From an emotional standpoint? He’s stuck in childhood. It’s time for him to grow up. While my first instinct is like Ike’s and to say, “kick the bum out!” I don’t see that working out long term for anyone. He is family, someone will end up feeling guilty, etc…Chances are your stepson will just wind up back at home.

I do think, however, that you need to find ways to make him become independent. And, like some others have said, I think you need to do so in steps.

I would start with the non-essentials…cell phone, car (and if he can ride a bike or take a bus, then a car is a non-essential), etc. If he doesn’t absolutely NEED it, you cut him off. Then, I would work on helping him find a job. Truth be told, that is not going to be easy. He’s 26 years old. If he indeed had a Ph.D or another reason to have been unemployed all through his twenties, it would be one thing, but that’s not the case. Unfortunately, your stepson has nothing to show for the last 8 years of his adult life. It will be hard to explain that lack of motivation and accomplishment to a hiring manager.

But, really, you are doing him an unkindness by not assisting him towards adulthood. Have either you or your wife asked yourselves what will happen to your son in the event you both died? Even with a sizeable amount of life insurance, given his reported history, it’s unlikely he’d handle his finances properly. In that event, your stepson could well wind up homeless.

Whatever you do, please take some action now. For the good of your marriage and the well being of your stepson.

 

[wabrams]

Hello Rusyn0802.

The fact that it is made clear that he is your step son and it concerns a financial situation immediately draws negative attention from me. Of course, I do not know the details of your family arrangements but I will assume that when you married your wife you knew she had a son. Yet, you married her and the fact that she had a son previous to marrying you makes you responsible as a father for the son. Especially, if he was a child when you took the role. Even if he was a teenager or older - you and your wife are responsible. The point that I am trying to make here, Rusty, and unfortunately with limited information - I think is an important one. Ask yourself, would you have such a difficult time paying and supporting such a situation if he was your own son? Be honest with yourself.

What do you mean that he is not acting like a man? What is a man to you?

If he was having a difficult time with his studies, perhaps, it is smart of him to limit his work load so that he does well. Maybe, if he was not living under such stress he could work during the summer, but, I must say it sound like there is a lot of resentment and anger at home.

26 use to sound like a big number. It doesn’t anymore. In the nineteenth century people used to get marry much earlier and did not spend so much time preparing for a career. However, in our time, people typically go off to study at the university and the studies could be prolonged to a Ph.d which could bring the person to that age with no problem. Not to mention the post-docs. Your wife’s son is studying to be a nurse and did not do well at the university - let him finish.

Peace,

Abba

Classic example of what is wrong with the mentality of our youth today.

 

[Rusyn0802]

I continue to thank each and every one of you who has taken the time to post advice, even if I have not responded directly to you. I am definitedly reading every single post and taking it to heart. Even if it anything has been critical of me, I am open to receive it and will duly reflect upon it.

I don’t think anyone has previously brought this up, but if they have, I apologize for the duplication…is there any chance your stepson is using drugs? It could very well explain the lack of motivation, the inability to set goals, etc.

This is a good question, especially because the biological father did have a self-professed cocaine problem. However I have seen no evidence of drug paraphernalia in our home. My personal sense is that there is no drug use. Of course I could be wrong, but I just don’t have that feeling.

 

[MtnDwellar]

This is a good question, especially because the biological father did have a self-professed cocaine problem. However I have seen no evidence of drug paraphernalia in our home. My personal sense is that there is no drug use. Of course I could be wrong, but I just don’t have that feeling.

Kids can be very clever. Even the most savvy parents can overlook some of the signs that drugs are being used. Here is a short list of things to look out for that I put together some time ago:

Things to look for: cigarette lighters if he doesn’t smoke, anything small and tubular, short pieces of a straw, rolled up money, small envelopes, anything that was small and appears to have been folded to make like an envelope, especially small pieces of aluminum foil, anything with burn marks (they can make pipes out of almost anything), empty plastic bags, empty prescription bottles, razor blades, small mirrors or glass with scratch marks, spoons, incense, air freshener, breathe spray, to name a few.

 

[Rusyn0802]

Thanks for that info Mtn Dwellar. Like I said, its possible. I will be on the look out.

Here is a development that turned into an opportunity for me: The battery of my son’s wonderful cell phone suddenly died and can’t be recharged. He wanted a replacement phone. I was able to explain that I could not pay for it and that I would not renew the two year contract if he somehow acquired a new phone. That was now his responsibility. However I gave him my old phone (its a dinosaur but it works) to use in the interim so at least he will not be stranded anywhere without one. He seemed to accept the situation.

 

[Charlotte1776]

Here is a development that turned into an opportunity for me: The battery of my son’s wonderful cell phone suddenly died and can’t be recharged. He wanted a replacement phone. I was able to explain that I could not pay for it and that I would not renew the two year contract if he somehow acquired a new phone. That was now his responsibility. However I gave him my old phone (its a dinosaur but it works) to use in the interim so at least he will not be stranded anywhere without one. He seemed to accept the situation.

That’s definitely a step in the right direction. Keep it up!

 

[newf]

Thanks for that info Mtn Dwellar. Like I said, its possible. I will be on the look out.

Here is a development that turned into an opportunity for me: The battery of my son’s wonderful cell phone suddenly died and can’t be recharged. He wanted a replacement phone. I was able to explain that I could not pay for it and that I would not renew the two year contract if he somehow acquired a new phone. That was now his responsibility. However I gave him my old phone (its a dinosaur but it works) to use in the interim so at least he will not be stranded anywhere without one. He seemed to accept the situation.

ACK! You were doing so well… you told him you would not pay for a replacement phone and that you would not renew the contract…BUT THEN… you go and give him your old phone so he will not be stranded!!! Are you kidding me?

Let him be stranded. May be the best thing to have happen to him. And let him go without a phone. It might help him think maybe he should learn to rely on himself.

You are contributing to his demise by enabling him to be lazy and greedy.

Your stepson does not know what it feels like to accomplish anything. You’ve made it so he never has to.

I hope you can see how you need to change so that in turn, he can grow up.

 

[Rusyn0802]

NewF,

Yes I can see how I could have been stricter. But one has to learn how to walk before running. Anyway - and this is indeed strange - even before I saw your post my wife called. She informed me that my old phone is apparently not working so well, that it also cannot hold a charge, and that son is unhappy with it. We agreed that it was his responsibility.

 

[newf]

NewF,

Yes I can see how I could have been stricter. But one has to learn how to walk before running. Anyway - and this is indeed strange - even before I saw your post my wife called. She informed me that my old phone is apparently not working so well, that it also cannot hold a charge, and that son is unhappy with it. We agreed that it was his responsibility.

Ahhh, good job!

Remember that it is okay for him to be unhappy. That is just what he needs to get motivated to do a few things for himself.

I agree with you that you need to walk before running and this is a good first step. Keep going forward. There will be many more steps to take. Just go one at a time. I wish you all the best.