26 yr old daughter living with 53 yr old

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Which part of this situation is it that is so upsetting? From what you said about feeling like your position is being challenged, I gather that it’s the age difference.

First off, whether it’s this man or someone closer to her in age, the man she marries will be the most important man in her life. He will be the one she goes to with her problems, turns to for advice, trusts to protect her, shares everything with, and relies on. He will be the most important man in her life, and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Secondly, I am around your daughter’s age. Contrary to what several people have said it is perfectly natural that she would be attracted to an older man. Many women I know, myself included, have experienced attraction to men in their 50’s. I’ve never acted on it, and now that I’m married I never would, but of there is something naturally appealing about an older, experienced man with a rich life story. (Not to mention grey hair and soft laugh lines that older men have). All that should matter is how he treats her. The fact that you don’t want anything to do with him and don’t think that you can be in the same room as him without throwing a punch is not helping anything, and in fact will only hurt your daughter and drive her away from you.

If it’s the living together I don’t know what to tell you. If this isn’t the first time she’s done it, then presumably she knows how you feel. If it’s about him being recently divorced, before I passed any judgement on that situation I would need to know the details.
 
MJJean said:
In the interest of fairness, we do not now how recently the man’s marriage broke up nor do we know why. For all we know, he had just reasons to leave or his wife threw him out because she “fell out of love”. All this could have happened months and months ago, long before he started a relationship with the OP’s daughter. (I do think the man needs a finalized divorce and to apply for annulment, though)

I don’t want to go in the closet to fetch my tar, feathers, torch and pitch fork without knowing the guy deserves it 😛
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I’m not out to tar and feather anyone and I don’t think that there is something nasty or perverse about two people marrying when they have a huge age difference to contend with, but for the sake of their eternal souls, this couple needs to stop living together and sharing a bed.

Your parenthetical expression captures it! The OP did say “left” and “recently”, not “was divorced recently”, let alone “recently received a decree of nullity.” As Canon 1107 puts it: “Even if a marriage was entered into invalidly by reason of an impediment or a defect of form, the consent given is presumed to persist until its revocation is established.” In other words, a Catholic who knows a man has exchanged marriage vows with a woman who is still living is bound to presume the fellow is in a valid marriage until it is established that his marriage is not valid. That isn’t leaping to unfair judgment; we are bound to make our presumptions in favor of his marriage. Still, we are bound to be more concerned with the welfare of his soul than with nabbing him and throwing him over a precipice. His repentance is the goal, not his condemnation.
 
I actually find it somewhat telling that you pick the age difference as the most upsetting part about your daughter’s relationship. Let’s dissect this: your unmarried daughter is living together (= mortal sin) with a divorced (or perhaps still married) man (= mortal sin) who is 27 years older than her (not a sin). You daughter is an adult woman well into her twenties, and according to your own words, she is not naive - she knows what she is doing. I am not going to defend the rest of what she is doing, but I do think that you have to get over the age difference thing.
 
The age difference is no sin at all.

It’s more the premarital sex with a married man, which is a major sin.
 
This is my take also. There are women out there who are attracted to older men. I don’t bat an eye when I see 10 to 15 years difference, though I might look for gold digging on her part. But that is nothing new. In other countries, a 20+ year age difference isn’t looked on with the contempt it is shown here by the OP that is common in the US. No one bats an eye when Michael Douglas marries Catherine Zeta-Jones or when Celine Dion marries her manager Rene Angelil. Very similar age difference to the OP’s daughter and that guy. Yes those are celebrities but the same dynamic applies… does anyone think Dion’s family is trash talking her for taking that path?

The problem I have here, that’s a big flashing red light with red flags all over: the premarital sex and the shacking up. Not only that, but the guy’s previous marriage doesn’t appear to be a closed book yet. They need to stop shacking up, he needs to close the book on his marriage and get the annulment, both need to go to confession and then they can set a marriage date. If they do all that, that’s commitment, I’d stand back and let them have at it.

She’s 26, she’s an adult, if the relationship is a bad thing, she may have to hit bottom before she admits she made a mistake. For the parents, only thing I can suggest is prayer and absolutely no “I told you so’s” if it breaks up. If she knows her parents are going to ride her every time she calls or comes to the house, she isn’t going to want to come around anymore. The parents need to think about that. Yes they can let her know they think the shacking up is wrong and why. After that, step back.
 
So sorry for your troubles, as already suggested…keep in touch with her. May God bless you and help you in your struggles.
 
This is for the people who believe that age difference does not matter, so that they may get their brains right again.

Example of a difference of 27 years.

1.- At 27 years old the man carries the little baby girl in his arms.

2.- At 30 He plays with the little girl 3 and hold her from the hand and sit her in her lap and kisses her in her cheeks.
  1. At 35 He he still seats the girl 8 in his lap (about the last time) and teaches her some mathematics and takes her out to the park to rid her bicke.
  2. At 40 the man see the girl is already 13 and starts to give her counsel about her studies and about having boyfriends and to be careful in general with young boys and to be carefull not to talk with older men.
5.- At 45 he meets the girl 18 with all her friends and organizes them to go for a climbing mountain experience and they all really enjoy themselves.

6.- At 53 the man arrives wants to hold the lady, now 26 and, by the hand and start to try to kiss her or inviting her out alone and little by little take her to bed.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE HE DID KNOW THE LITTLE GIRL FOR ALL HER LIFE HE IS FREE TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH HER AND SEDUCE HER. NO NO NO
I TELL YOU THIS MAN IS MENTALLY NOT 100%, SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING WITH HIM, AND I WISH TO KNOW IF HE WILL GO AND DO THAT TO HIS NIECE OR WOULD LIKE TO HAPPEN THAT TO HIS OWN DAUGHTER!!!
AND IF ON TOP OF ALL THIS HE IS MARRIED,** HE IS AN ADULTEROUS MAN** AND WILL GO TO THE LAKE OF FIRE AT THE END TIME, WHERE ALL THE SEXUALLY IMMORAL PEOPLE WILL BE (APART FROM OTHERS) IF HE DOES NOT REPENT OF HIS WICKEDNESS. (Rev 21:8)

YES. PEOPLE DO IT AND NOT BECAUSE OF THAT WRONG THINGS START TO BE RIGHT.

PUT YOURSELVES RIGHT BEFORE GOD. NATURE TELLS YOU THAT THIS IT IS NOT RIGHT.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Don’t focus on the age difference. There is no moral difference between living with an older man vs. one of the same age. The fact that this one was/is married is an issue, but that is often forgotten in today’s culture. It is clear that your daughter does not accept your morals. Don’t beat yourself up over your failure to pass on the Faith. Keep in touch with her, tell her you love her, and are praying for her daily.
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She does not accept MY morals? My failure to pass on the faith? Beating myself up? These God’s morals and I have taught them to my children since they were little. She knows better but thinks that this life is all about her “happiness” just as out filthy godless culture does. This is not about beating myself up. My daughter is bringing shame, disgrace and embarassment to my family while she openly violates the 4th, 6th, & 9th commandments and I am very angry for good reason. I appreciate your reply but I cannot and will not come to acceptance of this open disgrace.
 
It is the totality of the situation.
  1. Her lack of respect for her mother and myself.
  2. The fact that she is shacking up (again)
  3. He abandoned his marriage. (His grown kids are angry with him)
  4. The age difference, in this circumstance is just the icing on the cake.
Honestly, if she was socially backward, unattractive, unintelligent, or for whatever reason had very limited opportunity for finding someone decent to marry, and this was a godly man who was either never married, or widowed, who loved God wanted to marry my daughter, the age difference would probably not even be on the radar screen. My wife and I would probably be very grateful for his presence in her life.
:coffeeread:
 
How do you eat a bear? One bite at a time!

Your daughter is (presumably) attractive, intelligent, social, and capable. Which means she has chosen this fellow because she wants to be with him and is not in this relationship due to a lack of options.

Have you talked to her without anger or tears and told her why you feel the way you do? Have you told her that you would approve of her relationship and be supportive IF they went about it the right way?

I assume you’ve been around the block a time or two and well know that people outside of a marriage have no idea what’s gone on inside of it. Have you considered sitting down with the fellow and asking him what happened and why? Let him know you love your daughter, want what is best for her, and are concerned about his character since you believe he abandoned his wife and are worried he would do the same to your daughter. It’s a reasonable concern and he is old enough to understand that and may be willing to explain things to you. You might be surprised.

After that chat you could also talk to them both together and separately about your faith, how you raised your daughter, and the fact that living together without marriage is not a great idea for religious and secular reasons. Perhaps then explain that a divorce, an annulment, and a marriage ceremony before a priest would go a long way toward earning your trust and blessing.

In the interest of keeping the family peace they may decide to at least get the divorce finalized (if it isn’t) and file an annulment application. Not ideal, but better than nothing.
 
Gloria_de_G said:
This is for the people who believe that age difference does not matter, so that they may get their brains right again.

Example of a difference of 27 years.

1.- At 27 years old the man carries the little baby girl in his arms.

2.- At 30 He plays with the little girl 3 and hold her from the hand and sit her in her lap and kisses her in her cheeks.
  1. At 35 He he still seats the girl 8 in his lap (about the last time) and teaches her some mathematics and takes her out to the park to rid her bicke.
  2. At 40 the man see the girl is already 13 and starts to give her counsel about her studies and about having boyfriends and to be careful in general with young boys and to be carefull not to talk with older men.
5.- At 45 he meets the girl 18 with all her friends and organizes them to go for a climbing mountain experience and they all really enjoy themselves.

6.- At 53 the man arrives wants to hold the lady, now 26 and, by the hand and start to try to kiss her or inviting her out alone and little by little take her to bed.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE HE DID KNOW THE LITTLE GIRL FOR ALL HER LIFE HE IS FREE TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH HER AND SEDUCE HER. NO NO NO
I TELL YOU THIS MAN IS MENTALLY NOT 100%, SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING WITH HIM, AND I WISH TO KNOW IF HE WILL GO AND DO THAT TO HIS NIECE OR WOULD LIKE TO HAPPEN THAT TO HIS OWN DAUGHTER!!!
AND IF ON TOP OF ALL THIS HE IS MARRIED,** HE IS AN ADULTEROUS MAN** AND WILL GO TO THE LAKE OF FIRE AT THE END TIME, WHERE ALL THE SEXUALLY IMMORAL PEOPLE WILL BE (APART FROM OTHERS) IF HE DOES NOT REPENT OF HIS WICKEDNESS. (Rev 21:8)

YES. PEOPLE DO IT AND NOT BECAUSE OF THAT WRONG THINGS START TO BE RIGHT.

PUT YOURSELVES RIGHT BEFORE GOD. NATURE TELLS YOU THAT THIS IT IS NOT RIGHT.
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There’s nothing that suggests the man knew the woman before she was in her mid 20s. Two adults being attracted to one another is not immoral. And such age gaps were not seen as outrageous historically, or in many parts of the world today. Tradition holds that Mary was 14 when she was betrothed to Joseph, and it’s possible he was an older widower.
 
What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter? Do you get along? Are you involved? Do you spend a lot of one on one time together?

I’m not trying to be mean but I’d really think about those things. My best friend who is 27 years old moved in with a man who is 58 years old. They have since split up but at the time things between her and her father were not good at all. She barely saw him even though they both lived in the same house. He didn’t take the time to get to know her and any time that she did see him all he did was yell and freak out at her about cleaning the whole house inside and out so that he and her Mom wouldn’t have to do anything.
 
I have to say that I am quite surprised with how many people don’t think that this age difference is a big deal. I’m sorry, but the only word I can think of to describe it is: yuck. 😦
 
She’s an adult and their is not much that you can do. You might not be happy about the situation, but don’t harp on it, since that will simply push her further away. You can still be supportive of her but not her situation.

It’s not the age difference so much as the age of the youngest person in the relationship. Someone that is 26 (IMHO and various studies) is not quite fully developed into the person they will be in life, so going out with someone in their 50s is a huge difference.
 
The point is, there is a 0% degree of sin with a chaste 26 year old woman and a chaste 53 year old man.

Obviously the “chasteness” element is what is horribly wrong here. Adultery and coveting your neighbor’s partner- people have known that was wrong for thousands of years.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I have to say that I am quite surprised with how many people don’t think that this age difference is a big deal. I’m sorry, but the only word I can think of to describe it is: yuck. 😦
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Dear Contra, perhaps you would be surprised how many of us know of happy and holy marriages between people with large age differences and take offence when you or others describe such relationships as “yuck”. Recently, I met a couple in loving marriage with about 30 year age difference. My colleague’s wife is about 15-20 years younger than him. My husband’s grandmother was 20 years older than her husband. They were married in the catholic church and had 11 children together. They had a happy marriage. Is that also “yuck” to you?

You have to understand that your reaction to the age difference is your problem and something you have to get over. Open your eyes, I bet there are married couples around you with large age gaps you have not noticed before. Perhaps because they do not advertise the exact age gap so they are not judged for it by you. Are there some challenges associated with large age gaps in relationships? Of course, nobody argues about that. But there is no sin when two adults of whatever age difference are attracted to each other and marry. Church allows such marriages and they do happen. The big elephant in the room is the fact that the man left his wife and his children and that they are just living together.
 
bstorm said:
Dear Contra, perhaps you would be surprised how many of us know of happy and holy marriages between people with large age differences and take offence when you or others describe such relationships as “yuck”. Recently, I met a couple in loving marriage with about 30 year age difference. My colleague’s wife is about 15-20 years younger than him. My husband’s grandmother was 20 years older than her husband. They were married in the catholic church and had 11 children together. They had a happy marriage. Is that also “yuck” to you?

You have to understand that your reaction to the age difference is your problem and something you have to get over. Open your eyes, I bet there are married couples around you with large age gaps you have not noticed before. Perhaps because they do not advertise the exact age gap so they are not judged for it by you. Are there some challenges associated with large age gaps in relationships? Of course, nobody argues about that. But there is no sin when two adults of whatever age difference are attracted to each other and marry. Church allows such marriages and they do happen. The big elephant in the room is the fact that the man left his wife and his children and that they are just living together.
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Not to mention that traditions in religious art showed St. Joseph as far older than Our Lady (I think this started in the 4th or 5th century). It was not uncommon in those days for a much older man to marry a far younger woman, and it would explain why Jesus had brothers who felt they had the authority to object to his choices–that is, that perhaps they were the older biological sons of Joseph, and not cousins.

At any rate, it is certainly possible for a couple with a large age difference to have a good and holy marriage. Living together before the man has had his previous attempt at marriage declared null, however, is not the way to do it, and that would be true if the two had been born on the same day.
 
For me…the yuck factor only comes in when they are shacking up together and he is still married to his ex-wife.

I know plenty of women who are just attracted to older men. There is nothing wrong with that at all.
 
Age difference is not a sin if the younger person is a legal adult. No matter what people think. It might be icky to some, but that is personal opinion only, it does not mean it’s sinful in and of itself.

The sins in this case are the lack of chastity in both of them and the man’s adultery. That’s what needs to be called out here.
 
His_angel said:
There’s nothing that suggests the man knew the woman before she was in her mid 20s. Two adults being attracted to one another is not immoral. And such age gaps were not seen as outrageous historically, or in many parts of the world today. Tradition holds that Mary was 14 when she was betrothed to Joseph, and it’s possible he was an older widower.
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What you said about the Virgin Mary is outrageous!! Saint Joseph took her and never had sex with her, he loved her and respect her because God was putting her in his hands to look after her, so that she would not be despised in her society: he was not to abuse her. The age difference was too great according to tradition you said, no, and he knew that, she could be his daughter or granddaughter? He was 100% mentally sane: he was a saint.​

Precisely I said that the fact that the man did not know her before, (read properly) does not give him any right to do with her what ever he wants and to seduce her. The relation is the same as the one I described.
Do you really can not consider what nature is shouting at you? When this man now 53 will be 20 years older, 73, she will be only 46. He will be almost in his death bed, if not before! And why do you want a young lady like this to end her life like that. This is pure selfishness…

No one is speaking about being a sin or not, it is natural concern for the lady.

And the situation of putting first the age problem, is that if this man was 100 mentally, he will never had seduced her, because of age difference.

But because he has a disastrous life he has to go and destroy someone else’s life without any thought because he is selfish: he does not care about his children, wife, relatives, friends, and neither her family, and if he happens to be a Catholic he does not have any love for God or shame.

And if all the people that knows this man will tell him that it is not right to be with this lady because of his age, he will end cracking down and leaving her.
And I do not put first his adulterous behavior because he will only say that either he has divorced or is divorcing and will get along with that: society now permits it, isn’t?

I will recommend something in youtube so to test our Christianity: look in the adress bar of youtube.com for “We are not Christians yet” is a black video with golden words.

If we do not change ourselves first and get closer to God, we can not discern and correct our brothers and sister who live in sin.
In the love of Christ,
Gloria
 
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