26 yr old daughter living with 53 yr old

[petitfleur]

I love how all the examples ove May December relationships are celebrities! That is not real life. The man is older than her parents, yes that is icky. I don’t think a 20 year age difference is too shocking, but 35 yes. What countries is this normal in? My family is spread across the globe, and I have travelled quite a bit. I don’t see 35 year age differences. The only countries I can think of where 35 year age difference is perfectly acceptable are middle eastern. I have a few friends who are married to men 10-12 years older than them. Some are better than others, I don’t think they are shocking g or icky.
Lastly, my dad married a woman 20 years his junior, I cannot begin to describe the pain this relationship caused my family. My mother never did recover from the whole thing.
I am very sorry to the OP you will be in my prayers.

 

[petitfleur]

Just want to weigh in to say that I have been in a may-dec relationship for 25 years. My beloved hubby is 21 years older than me. That people find these relationships “yucky” or “icky” is so crazy, but we’ve been ignoring those kinds of comments for years. We’re happy; who gives a rat’s behind about the crazies?

Of course there are exceptions. I still think a 21 year age difference and a 35 year age difference are not the same things. Combined with the fact he is not yet divorced and living with this girl. And the fact he has adult children who are upset over this factor into the shock of this situation.
How about out of respect for his children NOT living with her and just dating her.

 

[TheLastWord]

He could be even using telepathic sexual attraction or witchery tools to attract her. In the Catholic Church we believe that these things exist but if we understand that that is what is happening and pray, they loose their power.

Ok now, let us not loose our grip here, i can’t say i know what catholic church you were raised in, but the one i have spent the last 58 years in never taught or believed in what you said above. I do wish you peace however… yeah, that’s plenty…peace

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I love how all the examples ove May December relationships are celebrities! That is not real life. The man is older than her parents, yes that is icky. I don’t think a 20 year age difference is too shocking, but 35 yes. What countries is this normal in? My family is spread across the globe, and I have travelled quite a bit. I don’t see 35 year age differences. The only countries I can think of where 35 year age difference is perfectly acceptable are middle eastern. I have a few friends who are married to men 10-12 years older than them. Some are better than others, I don’t think they are shocking g or icky.
**Lastly, my dad married a woman 20 years his junior, I cannot begin to describe the pain this relationship caused my family. My mother never did recover from the whole thing. **
I am very sorry to the OP you will be in my prayers.

I’m truly sorry this was the your experience. I will pray for you and your family and all affected. I will say that despite your painful experience not everyone who is in a May December relationship has the same whirl of pain surrounding them and their relationships. I wish you peace.

 

[Gloria_de_G]

"Gloria de G:

He could be even using telepathic sexual attraction or witchery tools to attract her. In the Catholic Church we believe that these things exist but if we understand that that is what is happening and pray, they loose their power.

Ok now, let us not loose our grip here, i can’t say i know what catholic church you were raised in, but the one i have spent the last 58 years in never taught or believed in what you said above. I do wish you peace however… yeah, that’s plenty…peace

“All practices of magic or sorcery, by which one attempts to tame occult powers, so as to place them at one’s service and have a supernatural power over others—even if this were for the sake of restoring their health—are gravely contrary to the virtue of religion. These practices are even more to be condemned when accompanied by the intention of harming someone, or when they have recourse to the intervention of demons. (…) Spiritism often implies divination or magical practices; the Church for her part warns the faithful against it” Catechism of the Catholic Church 2117

We need to be aware that there are people who are up to these things, so that we can defend ourselves with prayer.

Sorry that you never heard before these teachings of the Church, hope it helps you.

In the love of the Church,
Gloria

 

[Robert_F]

I am going to be 53 in just a matter of days. I was first married when I turned 20 and I was divorced when I was 52, yes not quite 8 months ago. When I married my wife I never thought I would get divorced, I just did not think it was possible. I was Catholic, she was Catholic and that just didn’t happen in our circle. We married for the wrong reason, she got pregnant. We stayed married for the wrong reason, until my youngest graduated from school. We separated long before the divorce, nearly 7 years. We did it so she did not have to pay mandatory child support, I had custody and she could not afford the payments. The biggest failure in my life, and I have had some doosies, is and shall always be my marriage. I will never be able to apologize to God enough, I will never be able to take communion again, I will never be able to marry in the church. It is what it is. Divorce was inevitable, before the separation there was no communication, no relationship for years. She had her life and I had mine, we did not share a room much after my youngest was born. Just over two years ago I joined an online dating site. I met a woman and fell in love. She is 23 years old and yes I am older than her parents and she is Catholic as well, never married. Her parents asked her if she was sure about me, she said I made her so happy, her Mother told her “That is all God wants for us, to be happy and live a peaceful life giving him Praise” That is the last time her parents asked he about me. They have welcomed me into their home, their lives, their family. I have met her aunts and uncles and grandparents. No one has questioned the relationship, they see how happy she is and how happy I am and that is enough for them.

She knows more about me that any person in the world, she knows all the bad not just the good. She made a decision that was only hers to make and her parents embraced her decision, not just for her sake but for the family.

My divorce was already underway before I met her, and she had nothing to do with why my marriage failed. She wants to marry me and I want to marry her, but there is the church. But that is for another thread.

I have no advice to give you, only my story to tell. Each of us can only do what is in our hearts and know that God will never give us more than we can handle. Please try to find comfort in your prayers knowing that God has a plan for all of us, we just have to open our heart to see it.

 

[His_angel]

If you married for the wrong reasons it’s possible you could receive an annulment that states the first marriage was not valid. If that’s the case, you could date and marry this woman. As it stands, as a Catholic, until you receive an annulment you are seen to be married to your former spouse no matter what the legal standing is. Being pressured into marriage, though, can invalidate it. Please look into this matter, talk to your priest.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[mikekle]

A 17 year old GIRL with a 37+ year old MAN? In most places this is illegal!

No way I would EVER disregard that for my daughter’s sake. I would be calling the police for my daughter’s sake instead.

Now, you don’t have that option for the 26 year old. In that case I guess you would need to voice your objections, followed by the reasons for those objections, and then you would need to let it go. Vow to yourself to never say, “I told you so,” if the relationship ends, and above all love your daughter and keep as close a relationship as possible.

You are in my prayers.

Yep, same here, 16 is actually the ‘legal adult’ age, and no court could even press charges for something like this. While there is a big age difference, that does not mean it will not last, I have heard of many older people who have more years between them than that, so it is possible, and age is just a number anyway. If they are happy, more power to them.

I can understand why the concern here is for the younger daughter, but if the roles were reversed and it was a 17 yr old man dating a 37 yr old woman, I dont think anyone would even be discussing it. for some reason, people think young females cannot think for themselves and do not know what they want until they reach 30 yrs of age, I guess this stems from generations past though and it is always in a parents nature to protect and shelter their daughters when it comes to dating and marriage. However, personally I am 38 yrs old and I dont think I would like to date a 17 yr old, the immaturity factor alone would be too much for me, but everyone is different, and has different opinions on maturity.

My advice, let them live their lives and if they are truly happy, it will all work out, and if not, they will break up and continue on their individual paths, but whatever happens, if she is 26 yrs old, she is fully capable of making her own way in life.

 

[TheHolyTrinity]

Hi Robert

It is wonderful to read that have had such a beautiful experience of love and acceptance, your post has made my heart swell! I wish you and your girlfriend all the best!

God Bless

THT

I am going to be 53 in just a matter of days. I was first married when I turned 20 and I was divorced when I was 52, yes not quite 8 months ago. When I married my wife I never thought I would get divorced, I just did not think it was possible. I was Catholic, she was Catholic and that just didn’t happen in our circle. We married for the wrong reason, she got pregnant. We stayed married for the wrong reason, until my youngest graduated from school. We separated long before the divorce, nearly 7 years. We did it so she did not have to pay mandatory child support, I had custody and she could not afford the payments. The biggest failure in my life, and I have had some doosies, is and shall always be my marriage. I will never be able to apologize to God enough, I will never be able to take communion again, I will never be able to marry in the church. It is what it is. Divorce was inevitable, before the separation there was no communication, no relationship for years. She had her life and I had mine, we did not share a room much after my youngest was born. Just over two years ago I joined an online dating site. I met a woman and fell in love. She is 23 years old and yes I am older than her parents and she is Catholic as well, never married. Her parents asked her if she was sure about me, she said I made her so happy, her Mother told her “That is all God wants for us, to be happy and live a peaceful life giving him Praise” That is the last time her parents asked he about me. They have welcomed me into their home, their lives, their family. I have met her aunts and uncles and grandparents. No one has questioned the relationship, they see how happy she is and how happy I am and that is enough for them.

She knows more about me that any person in the world, she knows all the bad not just the good. She made a decision that was only hers to make and her parents embraced her decision, not just for her sake but for the family.

My divorce was already underway before I met her, and she had nothing to do with why my marriage failed. She wants to marry me and I want to marry her, but there is the church. But that is for another thread.

I have no advice to give you, only my story to tell. Each of us can only do what is in our hearts and know that God will never give us more than we can handle. Please try to find comfort in your prayers knowing that God has a plan for all of us, we just have to open our heart to see it.

 

[Gloria_de_G]

We married for the wrong reason, she got pregnantt.

What a way of speaking Robert!!!

What you mean is that you did not have your lessons on Catechism properly done and you went and took this woman to bed before marrying her and then you blame her for getting pregnant!! What a man!!!

Love is not sex!! When people is going to understand it, it is a responsibility. A responsibility for having left her pregnant, a responsibility for leaving her alone a this age and think that you can start again with a younger woman, a responsibility for leaving your son(s). What a chaos, and people still supporting you.

I tell you, the cross that God gave you to pay for your immoral behavior when young by leaving her pregnant, you are not wanting to bear it all your life. I do not feel sorry for you.

And let me tell you that you are committing adultery if you carry on with this other woman,
so that not only you are destroying the life of your wife but now also this one and her family, you are just showing again that you just love yourself more than God.

Christ told the married man that he should not leave his wife, and He also said that if they had separate they should reconciled. No…is it very hard to understand? Yes, when we put ourselves above His Word.

Find what your wife do not like about you and try to change. Take your cross until the end and make your wife happy and your son(s). Make sure that you do that… instead of assuring your happiness… so that you may attain salvation and eternal life.

Repent because God loves very much the repented ones, who turn back to Him and obey Him.

In the love of Christ and of His Word, the Word of God,
Gloria
PD And I do not believe that the Church will give you an annulment on the grounds of immorality! Because this is what you are doing. If the Church is doing this I will be very sorry for Her behavior against the Lord. The authority that she is given is not to go against the teachings of the Lord.

Now let me add, that if you are not with your wife because she is committing adultery with someones and that is why you left her, then the situation changes and I swallow my words. But in your account you do not seem to be meaning that, you just did not do enough to make her happy and pray and talk together to solve differences, to mold her and to teach her to be the woman you want her to be, so that you help her also for her salvation.

You can check out this in you tube: “adultery and the death penalty” so that you may not go this direction.

 

[7armyrugrats]

I can understand why the concern here is for the younger daughter, but if the roles were reversed and it was a 17 yr old man dating a 37 yr old woman, I dont think anyone would even be discussing it. for some reason, people think young females cannot think for themselves and do not know what they want until they reach 30 yrs of age, I guess this stems from generations past though and it is always in a parents nature to protect and shelter their daughters when it comes to dating and marriage. However, personally I am 38 yrs old and I dont think I would like to date a 17 yr old, the immaturity factor alone would be too much for me, but everyone is different, and has different opinions on maturity.

I would still see it the same way. Doesn’t change a thing in my mind. Adults should not be with children.

What about teachers that date FORMER students–not current students? If a middle school teacher was 28 years old and decide to date a 17 year old high school student, that teacher would still lose their job, be all over the news, and still face charges. There was a case like this on the news a few weeks ago. The teacher was a woman, the high schooler was a boy. There was no relationship while he was a student and she taught in a different school than he attends. Why is it different for teachers?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would still see it the same way. Doesn’t change a thing in my mind. Adults should not be with children.

What about teachers that date FORMER students–not current students? If a middle school teacher was 28 years old and decide to date a 17 year old high school student, that teacher would still lose their job, be all over the news, and still face charges. There was a case like this on the news a few weeks ago. The teacher was a woman, the high schooler was a boy. There was no relationship while he was a student and she taught in a different school than he attends. Why is it different for teachers?

Power.

A minor getting involved with an adult presents a potential of an imbalance of power. In such a case the minor could easily feel coerced and not be able to give real consent. Now if one person is a teacher, and the other a minor student, even if it’s a former student, that stark imbalance of power is pretty much guaranteed. Basically, they don’t want teachers abusing their influence.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Power.

A minor getting involved with an adult presents a potential of an imbalance of power. In such a case the minor could easily feel coerced and not be able to give real consent. Now if one person is a teacher, and the other a minor student, even if it’s a former student, that stark imbalance of power is pretty much guaranteed. Basically, they don’t want teachers abusing their influence.

I agree, but any adult holds power over minors and that is the problem. Its no more abusive than any other adult.

I don’t understand the concept of May-December romances, but I can’t see how it is wrong for a 21 year old to be involved with someone older. It doesn’t make sense to me, but I’m in a mixed race marriage and many don’t agree with that. I see no reason why I should need to agree with it and I would never vocally oppose an otherwise decent relationship based on something so superficial. However, I would not sit back and allow a minor to be involved with any adult whatsoever. I would even voice my concerns about an 18-20 year old as well because so many in that age range are also easily coerced and manipulated.

The problem in the OP isn’t just the age difference, it is so many other things going on as well. I understand the father’s heartache, but I don’t see how he can really do anything about it. As a mom, I would voice my opinions once, and then I would let it go. It is better to preserve a good relationship with open communication than it is to cut ties over something like this. But if she were under 18, heads would roll.

 

[Havard]

I’ve been around long enough to know how this normally works. Granted, there are exceptions to everything, but out of the few dozen relationships like this that I’ve seen, it’s never completely normal or, in my opinion, healthy. The older men aren’t pursuing the young women because they “just happened to have the most meaningful conversations with women 20+ years their junior”. Rather, there has always been an aspect of immaturity among the men. In my experience, they have invariably been the kind of men who were holding onto their youth with every ounce of strength they could muster, like those middle-aged fellows in the Bosley hair commercial talking about how “their new hair holds up, even when water skiing!”

 

[Burt_Macklin]

The women are also very rarely pursuing a relationship with the older man because he’s great company and has aged like fine wine either. The men I see in these kinds of relationships are either loaded or can put up a convincing front. IMHO the relationships are unhealthy and also serve as rather fitting punishment for both involved.

 

[Cristiano]

I’ve been around long enough to know how this normally works. Granted, there are exceptions to everything, but out of the few dozen relationships like this that I’ve seen, it’s never completely normal or, in my opinion, healthy. The older men aren’t pursuing the young women because they “just happened to have the most meaningful conversations with women 20+ years their junior”. Rather, there has always been an aspect of immaturity among the men. In my experience, they have invariably been the kind of men who were holding onto their youth with every ounce of strength they could muster, like those middle-aged fellows in the Bosley hair commercial talking about how “their new hair holds up, even when water skiing!”

It looks like you are describing the ex premier of Italy (77y/o) and his new fiancee (28y/o).

 

[His_angel]

What a way of speaking Robert!!!

What you mean is that you did not have your lessons on Catechism properly done and you went and took this woman to bed before marrying her and then you blame her for getting pregnant!! What a man!!!

I tell you, the cross that God gave you to pay for your immoral behavior when young by leaving her pregnant, you are not wanting to bear it all your life. I do not feel sorry for you.

I do not believe that the Church will give you an annulment on the grounds of immorality! Because this is what you are doing. If the Church is doing this I will be very sorry for Her behavior against the Lord. The authority that she is given is not to go against the teachings of the Lord.

Now let me add, that if you are not with your wife because she is committing adultery with someones and that is why you left her, then the situation changes and I swallow my words.

He did not leave her pregnant. He did the exact opposite- he married her under pressure, which can invalidate a marriage. You marry and enter the Sacrament because you want to, not because there’s a baby and family think you should.

The Church may grant him an annulment based on the inability to enter the Sacrament at the time.

And as far as the last paragraph- what happens after the wedding does not invalidate a marriage. If they are validly married, and the wife cheats, they are still married. They can civilly divorce, but an annulment won’t be granted on that alone. It may show bad intent at the time of the wedding, but that is not always the case.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

People keep seeing the age difference as more important, more worthy of rebuke than the mortal sins they’re engaging in… shaking my head…

 

[Gloria_de_G]

He did not leave her pregnant. He did the exact opposite- he married her under pressure, which can invalidate a marriage. You marry and enter the Sacrament because you want to, not because there’s a baby and family think you should.

The Church may grant him an annulment based on the inability to enter the Sacrament at the time.

And as far as the last paragraph- what happens after the wedding does not invalidate a marriage. If they are validly married, and the wife cheats, they are still married. They can civilly divorce, but an annulment won’t be granted on that alone. It may show bad intent at the time of the wedding, but that is not always the case.

I know he did not leaved her pregnant and run away. I did not meant that. In fact all what I said afterwards is just opposite to what you accused me off. I said that love is responsibility: A responsibility for having left her pregnant (ie that he took the responsibility and marry her) and now he needs to take again responsibility and do not leave her. Why you have to understand it in another way???

But by what you say, I understand that if you are having sex before marriage and leave (may be I should say make) your girlfriend pregnant, you do not have to be responsible. If you have to marry for that, then later you can have an annulment because you were under pressure. I really hope that Catholics do not think like you to give permission to themselves in this way to be immoral and then call it “to be under pressure”. I really think you have to review your thinking.

And if on the grounds of misbehaving sexually he left his wife, that our Lord permits it.
But still he will commit adultery to go with another one, but he is not oblige to get reconciled with his wife, like in his case now: he is oblige by Christ to reconciled.

In the love of Christ,
Gloria

 

[His_angel]

I know he did not leaved her pregnant and run away. I did not meant that. In fact all what I said afterwards is just opposite to what you accused me off.

But by what you say, I understand that if you are having sex before marriage and leave (may be I should say make) your girlfriend pregnant, you do not have to be responsible. If you have to marry for that, then later you can have an annulment because you were under pressure. I really hope that Catholics do not think like you to give permission to themselves in this way to be immoral and then call it “to be under pressure”. I really think you have to review your thinking.

And if on the grounds of misbehaving sexually he left his wife, that our Lord permits it.
But still he will commit adultery to go with another one, but he is not oblige to get reconciled with his wife, like in his case now: he is oblige by Christ to reconciled.

In the love of Christ,
Gloria

There is no ‘being given permission’ to be immoral. But just because there is a child, a rushed-forced marriage is still rushed and forced. That is what Jesus means in the Bible- that an invalid marriage should not be.

God does not permit divorce because of extra-marital affairs. He permits it in invalid marriages. Like those that were forced. An extra-marital affair may be a sign that the marriage is invalid, but not always.