6 Ways to Reach Out to the Lonely Church Goer

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The problem with the concept of “community” is that it is frequently used to mean, “we must all step in line and do this thing as a faith community, even if you don’t like it or prefer to do something else.”

For example, when people on here object to doing some particular gesture at Mass like standing in the pew rather than kneeling, or express that they wish to pray after receiving Communion rather than sing the hymn, we are sure to get a post from certain people quoting the USCCB about the need to do these things all together because we worship in “community” not as individuals, etc. Those who talk about “community” a lot also tend to be pushing some program whether it’s Bible study, ACTS, RENEW or whatever that is supposed to bring us more together as a “community”.

Many people I know, including non-Catholics and “nones”, don’t mind the idea of prayer or a relationship with God, but balk at going to a church where they will be expected to be part of communal social activities with people who don’t share their interests or who are not like them. These are nice people saying this who have friends and help people they know who are in need, like the person whose house just got hit with a tornado or the sick person lacking insurance who needs a benefit. They just don’t want to have to hang around “church people” because they feel judged or bored. Some of them join unusual faith communities like a “biker church” and others just practice an individual spirituality.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, being friendly and hospitable to folks at church is fine, but “community” carries so many unpleasant overtones of forced socialization.
 
Bataar said:
When would you be able to engage with this person? If they’re sitting or standing in the pew by themself, it would be inappropriate to go converse with them as you’re in the physical presence of God and you should be be praying or at least be aware of your location. Plus, talking with them would be a distraction to those around you who are trying to pray.
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Yes, you’re right.

In many Catholic churches, including ours, the narthex is a tiny little place with little room for socializing after Mass. Often in older churches, the narthex has a scary staircase, too, leading from the nave to the sidewalk out front.

Back in those days, parishioners all lived in the same neighborhood, attended the same schools (either the parochial or the public), shopped at the same stores, played in the same parks, and did their yard work or snow shovelling at the same time. Women hung the wash out to dry, and men opened their garages while tinkering with their cars. Children rode bikes together and hung out in each other’s yards. Often, people got together to eat dinner and then watch a nationwide-favorite television show like Ed Sullivan or I Love Lucy.

Things have changed so much.

I don’t know the answer. Wish I did. At this point, my husband and I are planning to move out of our small city in 2-3 years when we finish paying off our debts and mortgage. We want to move to a tiny town (population less than 500) with a tiny Catholic church where hopefully, we will finally make some friends that we can actually get together with. We try so hard in our church, but it’s discouraging to hear, “Sorry, we’re busy” every time we ask if someone would like to go out or come over.
 
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I don’t know the answer either. I’m a lonely person and I have not had a single Catholic friend my entire adult life. Catholic churches just don’t want to offer social, fun activities. Once a month, my friend’s protestant church hosts a strategy board game night that I go to. I asked my church if something like that could be held there and they have lots of “legitimate” reasons why it wouldn’t work.

At another friend’s protestant church, they have frequent sports nights. If a baseball game is on TV, they’ll set up a viewing room in the hall and people can come and watch the game on their projector screen. People bring food and drinks and it’s fun. Sometimes, their pastor comes and he might give a short talk at some point. I haven’t asked, but I assume my Catholic church would have the same “valid” reasons why something like this wouldn’t work either.
 
Those are kinds of activities I wouldn’t mind attempting at our parish.

The women’s alliance and KofC at our parish do fundraisers every few months. It would be nice to just do monthly donuts and coffee to start. No price tag. Maybe family holy hour, so you can go, and if your kids are loud it’s ok.
 
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Bataar said:
At another friend’s protestant church, they have frequent sports nights. If a baseball game is on TV, they’ll set up a viewing room in the hall and people can come and watch the game on their projector screen. People bring food and drinks and it’s fun. Sometimes, their pastor comes and he might give a short talk at some point. I haven’t asked, but I assume my Catholic church would have the same “valid” reasons why something like this wouldn’t work either.
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We did this all the time in the Protestant churches that I and my husband were associated with for the first 47 years of our lives! Sometimes, a member with a larger home would open up their home for the viewing of the game.

I remember getting together with our Protestant church in North Carolina to watch the figure skating event in the 1988 Winter Olympic Games (we were fanatical fans, and this was back when figure skating was the #3 rated sport on TV behind football and baseball)!

That was fun, because none of the native North Carolineans knew anything about figure skating, and we did! (We were used to being the dumbos who knew nothing about basketball or football!)

So much fun! Great for people who don’t feel comfortable sitting at a bar watching a game. And lots of good food, and anyone who doesn’t care about the sporting event can sit somewhere else and chat.

I agree–I wish our parish would do something like this, especially for events like the Super Bowl, or the Final show of American Idol (which we enjoy, even though a lot of people consider it drivel). I would offer our house, but we can probably only accommodate about six people in the room with the TV. But I would still offer it.
 
I really relate to this. My husband and I want to move, so hopefully I may someday be in a place where I can afford the gas to attend church. But one thing I’m dreading is the loneliness I so often felt when I attended a Catholic church. I have Asperger’s Syndrome (yes, that does have a lot to do with the way I post on the forum!) and I’m very introverted. I’m not capable of walking up to strangers and having a conversation. I’m too awkward, and come off badly Before I was married, and my mother was still alive, I rarely attended anything social without her, just so I would have someone to talk to. I felt so awkward just sitting alone while everyone else was having a conversation that it hurt.

Despite my awkwardness, when I could I attended all the classes or other structured events at Church, partly in an effort to make friends. It seems to me that a major reason why it’s so difficult to try to build some sort of community in a Catholic church is that Catholics often attend church for fundamentally different reasons than Protestants. Protestants attend a church because they agree with its teachings and they like it. Catholics often attend church out of a sense of obligation, or out of habit, or out of a devotion to the Eucharist. They may agree with nearly all of the Church’s teachings, or some, nearly none, or they may have little idea what it teaches at all. In a given parish there are many different kinds of people, with different beliefs, with different reasons for attending. In short, partly due to the obligation to attend Mass that Protestants don’t have, parishioners often have very little in common with each other. Even their common Catholicism isn’t much of a bond because Catholics are all over the spectrum, in every way. Also, Catholics aren’t used to any sort of community and many don’t want it. They simply want to do what they came to do and get on their way. I wish I had an answer, but I don’t even know if there is one.
 
Please forgive my long-windedness, but I would like to say just one more thing. Even though I’m so socially clumsy and awkward it’s nearly impossible for me to reach out to others, I still feel the need for human support in my faith. So why would a loving God create, as the only True Church and the ordinary means to salvation, a church where human support is nearly impossible to obtain, even for normal people? This makes faith in the Church very difficult for me. Does anyone else feel this way?
 
I am sorry you have not found the support you are seeking in your local church.

However, the Church has over a billion people in it, and a huge number of parishes. The reality is that some people do find the support they need, and some parishes are better at reaching out to those in need than others.

I know a lot of people personally who found help and support of some sort through their local Church. In many cases where there is an alleged “failure”, it’s more a failure to be all things to all people, meaning that some groups of people - maybe at one parish it’s the elderly, at another it’s families, at a third it’s college students, etc - are being helped and supported, while other groups at that parish are not.

We all have a tendency to generalize our own personal experiences to the Church, and also a tendency for those who have a complaint to shout the loudest. You dont hear so much from people who did get support from thrir church. Also, and I’m not directing this at anyone on the thread but just saying as a general comment, there are people who are unrealistic in their expectations of what a Catholic parish can or should provide, or unrealistic about how their own behaviors contributed to them not getting help or support.
 
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A priest friend of mine said that one of the best ways to invite people to join you is to stop hogging the seats on the aisles. Make your “regular place” a place in the center of the pew, not at the edge. When someone new comes into church and can’t find an aisle seat, it is less inviting. If you want to signal that you’d welcome someone to sit next to you, you don’t make them climb over you or ask you to move to get to it.
 
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WHAT IS WITH THIS? I’ve personally only seen this practice in Catholic churches.

I give a free pass to families with babies or small children, or people with disabilities who need instant access to the isle.

But everybody? Really?
 
blackforest said:
WHAT IS WITH THIS? I’ve personally only seen this practice in Catholic churches.

I give a free pass to families with babies or small children, or people with disabilities who need instant access to the isle.

But everybody? Really?
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It is the most predictable thing in the world. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. It seems de rigeur that Catholics genuflect and then venture only as far into the pew as necessary in order for everyone in their party to be seated.

I think it is like the habit of carrying an enormous handbag. One gets used to it during the early days of parenthood and the habit is never discarded.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
The problem with the concept of “community” is that it is frequently used to mean, “we must all step in line and do this thing as a faith community, even if you don’t like it or prefer to do something else.”
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Yea, in that context, I don’t care for the invocation of “community.” In the corporate world it’s called “being a team player.” ((Shudder)) In my husband’s former workplace, absolutely any disagreement with the control-freak manager would earn the response of, “It looks like you’re not being a team player, buddy.” I also don’t like people using that word to justify getting nosy or violating boundaries.

My take on community is a lot healthier - more like what the Protestants call “fellowship.”
 
I sat on the end today because the church I attended is having a problem lately with being hot and stuffy and the seat I picked was closest to the coldest AC vent in the church. I have been having a problem breathing in there lately due to the temp and lack of circulating air.

At other times when there is not a physical reason to be on the end (I am aware of others who also have physical reasons like mobility issues or a possible need to get out during the service, who sit there) I do sit towards the center if empty.

I will also ask people if they can step out and let me sit in the center when they are on the end with empty space. Sometimes they just move down further in but I give them the option of staying on the end in case they have a physical reason to prefer the end seat.
 
I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. At my parish, we are actively working on a way to reach out to the lonely and isolated. I hope it works and that others will consider doing something about this issue as well. For my part, I’m starting a new habit of smiling and saying hello to everyone I see at the parish. This is a stretch for me because I am a very shy person, but I’m trying to do my part.

So far everyone I’ve said something to has been shocked. It’s funny and a little sad at the same time.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
I sat on the end today because the church I attended is having a problem lately with being hot and stuffy and the seat I picked was closest to the coldest AC vent in the church. I have been having a problem breathing in there lately due to the temp and lack of circulating air.

At other times when there is not a physical reason to be on the end (I am aware of others who also have physical reasons like mobility issues or a possible need to get out during the service, who sit there) I do sit towards the center if empty.

I will also ask people if they can step out and let me sit in the center when they are on the end with empty space. Sometimes they just move down further in but I give them the option of staying on the end in case they have a physical reason to prefer the end seat.
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I know people who sit on the end because they are physicians on call with no one to take call for them while they’re at Mass.

To clarify: The point was not that we ought to judge anyone else for sitting on the end. As you point out, there are lots of good reasons to prefer a seat on the aisle. The point was that if we want to be welcoming, scooting in from the end is one clear way to let a stranger know they’re welcome to sit next to us.
 
Bear thank you so much I feel exactly the same. Non Dom churches are the worst for crowding you. For me it borders on rudeness. We are there for God not this construct of ‘community’ which quite often is actually cliques in my experiences. It’s fine if that’s what people want but if you don’t want that should be fine too
 
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Aw peeps I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for. This post made me smile as what you want and long for actually would give me The Horrors. I’m English and northern so you get a brisk hand shake at Christmas if you’re lucky 😂 and I loved going from an overly sociable Methodist/ non Dom background to the almost anonymous experience of the mass as I’m so introverted. But the peace is always genuine, people have smiling eyes - it’s just done with a lot of dignity and restraint. Had my fill of socialising with people just because we attend the same church. But seriously isn’t it interesting how we have different needs as people but we have both found a home in the Catholic Church ?
 
Bataar said:
If a baseball game is on TV, they’ll set up a viewing room in the hall and people can come and watch the game on their projector screen.
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Problem is, unless that church is paying MLB for the rights to do a public display, they are technically breaking the law. The Catholic Church is a HUGE target, and it is hard to say “no” when people suggest these grey sorts of activities at parish halls.
 
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