8th grader in carpool NEVER says "Thanks!"

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PRmerger

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Grrrr! Don’t know why it’s been annoying me, as we’ve been driving this child to school for 3 years, but for some reason it’s now bothering me.

Every time we drop him off he just gets out of the car without so much as a, “fa la la la la!” He simply gets out of the car and slams it shut.

Lately I’ve been calling out to him, “Bye, Joey! THANKS!!” and my daughters look at me and say, “Mom! You’re being too obvious.”

He’s a quiet boy to begin with, and I get that. He never says thanks to the other mom who drives either.

Should I say something to his mom?
 
I might say something to his mom, but not directly. Like I wouldn’t say, “FYI, you’re son never says thanks”, because more than likely, he doesn’t say thank you because his parents don’t reinforce the concept at home. Instead, I might say something like, “Joey always seems upset in the mornings when I drop him off at school. He just gets out of the car in silence and doesn’t say thank you or anything. Is everything okay, or is he just not a morning person?” That or you can have one of your daughters tell him face to face that all the carpool adults think he’s rude because he doesn’t thank you.
 
PRmerger said:
Lately I’ve been calling out to him, “Bye, Joey! THANKS!!” and my daughters look at me and say, “Mom! You’re being too obvious.”
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No, “too obvious” would be if you said: “Bye Joey! You’re welcome!!”
Which is totally what I would probably have blurted out after three years. 😉
 
Yes. After three years, I think you could gently say something.
 
PRmerger said:
Grrrr! Don’t know why it’s been annoying me, as we’ve been driving this child to school for 3 years, but for some reason it’s now bothering me.

Every time we drop him off he just gets out of the car without so much as a, “fa la la la la!” He simply gets out of the car and slams it shut.

Lately I’ve been calling out to him, “Bye, Joey! THANKS!!” and my daughters look at me and say, “Mom! You’re being too obvious.”

He’s a quiet boy to begin with, and I get that. He never says thanks to the other mom who drives either.

Should I say something to his mom?
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No, you should say to him.
Exactly as you told us.
Children are not born already educated…
 
I would look him in the eye and say “Joey, it is polite to say Thank You when someone does you a kindness.”
 
Are you being paid money to transport this child? If so, then you are getting what you asked for in your original agreement.

If you are doing it for free as a favor, then let the kid or his mom know that from now one the price for the ride is a sincere, hearty “thank you.” Say it, mean it, and enforce it.

Would that be mean? NO! It just might save the soul of that kid! It just might teach him something that will improve the rest of his life.

I think God put this whole situation together so that He can teach you a lesson, teacher the ungrateful kid a lesson, and teach your daughters a lesson.

Good luck!
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
Are you being paid money to transport this child? If so, then you are getting what you asked for in your original agreement.
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No. Being paid does not mean accepting treatment appropriate for a doormat. Service providers deserve to be treated with respect. When you hire someone to do a job, you don’t buy away that person’s dignity as a human being.

Say something to him directly. Say, “Joey, you’re a nice kid, but it offends me when you just get out of the car and slam the door behind you as if you were leaving things in the car instead of people. It is polite to say, ‘Thanks, for the ride’, but at least say, ‘Goodbye’ or ‘have a nice day’ or something! Even taxi drivers who are being paid deserve that much!”

If he doesn’t change, talk to his mom. If she is the kind who will be offended that you corrected her child instead of appreciative that you are helping to civilize him or mortified that her 13 year old has forgotten his manners, consider leaving him out of your car pool.
 
Why are we so scared to say anything to kids?

Kids don’t know anything until adults train/talk to/educate them. They aren’t inherently cool, hip, suicidal, violent, judgmental etc. We need to talk to them, and help them with their little foibles, lack of manners etc.

I’ve taught high-school and junior high, and have worked with juvenile offenders. Don’t be scared of them.

I’d say something like, “Joey, I hope I’m not forcing you to take a ride in the morning. I’d hate you to think you have to come with me. Just tell me if you don’t want to come.” He will mumble something about it being “OK for you to take him.” Then you could say, “OK, then, do me a favour. Say thanks, show me that you appreciate it.”

BTW - you’re kids are going to be embarrassed, but ignore them!

What is amazing in my experience is that when you break the ice, and state your expectations kids are more relaxed with you.
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
Are you being paid money to transport this child? If so, then you are getting what you asked for in your original agreement.
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Heh. Well, this is another issue in this carpool situation. This boy’s mom does not contribute to the 3-family carpool*. For the previous 5 years it was a 2 family carpool. Joey’s mom asked if we wouldn’t mind “carpooling” with her, but by that she means that we pick up and take home her son since we’re in the neighborhood anyway, and she and her husband work full time.

(Note: both of us moms who drive carpool also work. We just adjust our schedules so we can contribute to the carpool.)

Joey’s mom does give other mom and me a giftcard at Christmas as a thank you.

*This year, at my request, Joey’s mom does drive on Wednesdays because I have to drive other DD’s carpool on that day.

So, it’s really a HUGE favor that we’re doing for this family, IMHO.

Also, just since, to be honest, this* is* a complaining thread, I’m going to add this: the other mom picks up carpool at 3pm. On a few occasions Joey’s mom has been up at school for a special event, and does not even bother to call this mom to say, “Hey, I’m up here at school already, so I can take the kids home!” She simply takes Joey home.

Grrr!
 
Grrrrr, when I find myself in these types of situations, I find myself getting so irritated, and I have to take a deep breath and tell myself “Parent’s fault, not kids, don’t jump on the kid…”

The manners (or lack thereof) taught to kids today are abhorrent! I think the parents are too busy texting or blabbing on their cell phones to notice how rude they and their kids are.
 
PRmerger said:
Heh. Well, this is another issue in this carpool situation. This boy’s mom does not contribute to the 3-family carpool*. For the previous 5 years it was a 2 family carpool. Joey’s mom asked if we wouldn’t mind “carpooling” with her, but by that she means that we pick up and take home her son since we’re in the neighborhood anyway, and she and her husband work full time.

(Note: both of us moms who drive carpool also work. We just adjust our schedules so we can contribute to the carpool.)

Joey’s mom does give other mom and me a giftcard at Christmas as a thank you.

*This year, at my request, Joey’s mom does drive on Wednesdays because I have to drive other DD’s carpool on that day).

So, it’s really a HUGE favor that we’re doing for this family, IMHO.
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You’re only asking what he ought to learn before he’s old enough to hail his own taxis.

Think of it this way: Some day, he may be on a first date with some fine young woman he’d be happy to marry, and whether or not he gets a second date may depend on whether he shows good manners to the taxi driver! 👍

I know that the way my husband treated service staff was one of the things I noticed favorably about him! Wise women know that courtships do not last forever.
 
Agree with PP - say something to Joey! If done kindly, you are doing him a favor.

I learned lots of my manners from other kids’ parents…my parents, while very nice and pleasant people, did not teach me many of the basics, such as please/thank you, excuse me, how to use a fork and knife correctly, etc. I am so grateful for the other adults in my life that helped me along the way.
 
I’m pretty sure that Joey’s mom (and dad) would be appalled if they knew he just left the car without a word of thanks.
 
None of us know exactly how our children act when we are not with them.

I would handle this situation exactly as i would wish another parent would handle it if it were my own child acting this way.

So - how would you like it to be handled if one of your children did this?

In my case, i would wish that the adult would gently talk to my child about appropriate behavior. If he didn’t improve over a reasonable time, then they could get me involved.
 
When I was a kid I would get a lift to school from my friends parent. My friend, D, lived further away whereas myself and my other friends lived in the same town as my school (so we could do the 40 minute walk instead). As my friend D had to be driven in anyway, and even partly along the route we walked, she’d give us all lifts and not expect any lifts in return. Her mum would park up somewhere the route and we’d all meet there and be driven the rest of the way. I was about 11 and we continued doing this until we were 16.

I used to say thank you every time I got in/out of the car each time. But then after a few years I got to know her mum and it began to seem very formal to say thank you every time we got out of the car. I mean, she’d been doing this for ages, we knew each other and she wasn’t going out of her way for me, right? So I stopped saying thank you each time. Never heard she was offended or anything, I’d just say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good day” while getting out instead. Maybe it’s something like that?
 
shainski said:
None of us know exactly how our children act when we are not with them.

I would handle this situation exactly as i would wish another parent would handle it if it were my own child acting this way.

So - how would you like it to be handled if one of your children did this?

In my case, i would wish that the adult would gently talk to my child about appropriate behavior. If he didn’t improve over a reasonable time, then they could get me involved.
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Yes. Exactly. Besides, young people often refuse to believe something they have heard their parents harp on until they hear it from a teacher or coach or* any* other adult other than Mom or Dad. This is particularly true of teens and near-teens.

In fact, I would not be surprised if an 8th grader, upon being corrected about this, were to reply: “Has my mom been talking to you?” :rolleyes:

He may not improve after you correct him, but since this is a habit and not an occasional slip, he deserves correction.
 
I have a very different take on this…

When I was growing up we were in a carpool with another family. As this family got out of the car they would each, in turn deliver a formula, “Thank you Mrs. <SMHW’s surname.>”

It was REALLY annoying! And it seemed like it took forever. All of us kids and particularly my mother used to think so. If just one of them had said it and the rest just said, “Good bye,” maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. But every darn single one of them?!?!?!?!

I do think “thank you” is important. And since this child is getting more than his family is providing I understand that some gratitude is owed. (Mainly by the parents.) And I realize there is just one child in this family.

I guess this is just a personal rant. I HATE, HATE, HATE rote pleasantries because they AREN’T PLEASANT.
 
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