8th grader in carpool NEVER says "Thanks!"

[EasterJoy]

I have a very different take on this…

When I was growing up we were in a carpool with another family. As this family got out of the car they would each, in turn deliver a formula, “Thank you Mrs. <SMHW’s surname.>”

It was REALLY annoying! And it seemed like it took forever. All of us kids and particularly my mother used to think so. If just one of them had said it and the rest just said, “Good bye,” maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. But every darn single one of them?!?!?!?!

I do think “thank you” is important. And since this child is getting more than his family is providing I understand that some gratitude is owed. (Mainly by the parents.) And I realize there is just one child in this family.

I guess this is just a personal rant. I HATE, HATE, HATE rote pleasantries because they AREN’T PLEASANT.

The social graces aren’t gracious unless they’re done graciously and genuinely. You’re right: it is possible to make going through the motions of manners feel worse to the receipient than if you had failed to do anything.

Of course, it is possible that the young man’s sulky behavior stems from his resentment that his parents don’t drive him places themselves. Whether fairly or not, he may see that as an example of putting their jobs ahead of their role as parents. That is hardly the OP’s problem. If the young man has issues with his parents, he needs to learn to communicate with them directly. No matter how that works out, he doesn’t get carte blanche to shoot the messenger.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I think it would be acceptable to just give a gentle reminder to the child first off. Even something simple like, “it’s polite to say thank you, please use your manners.” This child is definitely old enough to know basic manners like this. I remember growing up that when I was riding in other people’s cars, there were times when the other parents had to give gentle reminders like this to some of the kids. It’s just part of the child learning to get along in society.

Lots of times at this age, kids begin to think that some of their parents rules are “just for babies” and manners are sometimes included in that group. They don’t quite get that adults continue to say “please” and “thank you” well into our adult lives, even when there are no children around. Sometimes a gentle reminder is all it takes for them to realize that they are still expected to behave politely.

 

[SMHW]

There’s always what my husband would do… After this child gets out of the car and begins to walk way you simply shout to him:

“Good bye Joey! You’re welcome.”

And then drive away.

 

[EasterJoy]

There’s always what my husband would do… After this child gets out of the car and begins to walk way you simply shout to him:

“Good bye Joey! You’re welcome.”

And then drive away.

If our kids acted that way, I would think it a practical way to make the point with them.
(Let’s just say that if they resented it, they’d have the good sense not to complain to their parents!! )

 

[anp1215]

When I was a kid I would get a lift to school from my friends parent. My friend, D, lived further away whereas myself and my other friends lived in the same town as my school (so we could do the 40 minute walk instead). As my friend D had to be driven in anyway, and even partly along the route we walked, she’d give us all lifts and not expect any lifts in return. Her mum would park up somewhere the route and we’d all meet there and be driven the rest of the way. I was about 11 and we continued doing this until we were 16.

I used to say thank you every time I got in/out of the car each time. But then after a few years I got to know her mum and it began to seem very formal to say thank you every time we got out of the car. I mean, she’d been doing this for ages, we knew each other and she wasn’t going out of her way for me, right? So I stopped saying thank you each time. Never heard she was offended or anything, I’d just say something like “see you tomorrow” or “have a good day” while getting out instead. Maybe it’s something like that?

What you’re describing sounds fine. The OP said that this kid just gets out and slams the door without a word. That is rude!

 

[ringil]

I would look him in the eye and say “Joey, it is polite to say Thank You when someone does you a kindness.”

Yeah, that seems OK. He’s a big boy being in the 8th grade.

 

[SeaShoreGirl]

This is not the kids fault. AT ALL.

You need to speak to both the parent and the kid, although you might get farther with the kid.

It’s something that should of been addressed long ago. However, I wouldnt start with saying you wanted a thank-you, just ask him to say “bye”.

 

[Debora123]

Honestly, if you are so bothered and feel taken advantage of by this little 8th grader, then don’t give him rides anymore. It is his parents’ responsibility to teach him manners, not yours.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[dconklin]

You might be bringing the kid home to a bad situation - even a beating. You always need to consider the other side of the coin.

 

[PRmerger]

You might be bringing the kid home to a bad situation - even a beating. You always need to consider the other side of the coin.

This boy will not get a beating if his parents find out he’s not been saying thank you.

 

[PRmerger]

Honestly, if you are so bothered and feel taken advantage of by this little 8th grader, then don’t give him rides anymore. It is his parents’ responsibility to teach him manners, not yours.

Just my 2 cents.

What about teachers? Do you think, as one poster here on this thread mentioned, that while teachers often are the ones to provide guidance to kids, that they should not be correcting their students? Only parents should be doing this?

Kids don’t know anything until adults train/talk to/educate them. They aren’t inherently cool, hip, suicidal, violent, judgmental etc. We need to talk to them, and help them with their little foibles, lack of manners etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is not the kids fault. AT ALL.

You need to speak to both the parent and the kid, although you might get farther with the kid.

It’s something that should of been addressed long ago. However, I wouldnt start with saying you wanted a thank-you, just ask him to say “bye”.

Ppff. As if all of the rude 13 year olds in the world are rude because their parents never taught them manners!

It is entirely possible that this kid would have said “thank you, Mrs. _____, and have a nice day!” *every time *when he was in first grade or third grade, and yet thinks he has grown beyond such niceties because he has progressed to middle school or because he’s mad at his parents about having to get himself ready for school and having to get a daily ride from someone besides them.

Our brains sometimes dissolve a little when the hair starts growing on our legs. Certainly an erosion in our perspective and a hormonally-induced slide toward self-importance or cluelessness about the needs of others close to us is not unheard of! The brain researchers will tell you it is as natural as green fruit following flowers.

As for the idea that this child will receive a beating for his bad manners, a possibility raised by dconklin, I’d say a) the young man is familiar enough with his driver and has been left in her care often enough that there is no reason not to solve the problem with him directly and b) she has known his parents long enough to have some idea whether they have the kind of anger management issues that would leave a 13 year old vulnerable to a beating.

 

[EasterJoy]

Also, just since, to be honest, this* is* a complaining thread, I’m going to add this: the other mom picks up carpool at 3pm. On a few occasions Joey’s mom has been up at school for a special event, and does not even bother to call this mom to say, “Hey, I’m up here at school already, so I can take the kids home!” She simply takes Joey home.

This could be a separate issue, but it is one that the parents who drive can raise with her: If you’re coming to a special event at the school, please don’t just assume that we’re also able to make it and will be there anyway to take our own kids home. Please call us, in case it would help us if you could take a turn at chauffering. IOW, she may not call because she simply assumes that if she can make it to a special event, it must be something that no one at the school would miss.

If she doesn’t get this, OP, I think you may have an entire family that takes you and the other driver for granted. If that is the case, you can either let them continue to do that or you can refrain from efforts that are not appreciated. You can’t remake them into appreciative people.

This could be something that you and the other carpool mom might approach this family about together. Having been in a situation where I temporarily could not drive my own children to school, I will guarantee you that you deserve to be unfailingly treated as the indespensible friends of that family that you are!!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Correct the 8th grader in a kind, charitable way. “Listen, Bobby, I’d really appreciate it if you would at least say ‘Thanks’ in some way, when you get out of the car. It’s just being polite.”

The subject of the carpool itself is another matter. If you are piling up a resentment against the way things are working out with this mom, it’s a clue that you’ve violated your own boundaries. One helpful guide I have used is whether I am doing something, “For fun, or for free.” If I am expecting ANYTHING back from my charity, or generosity, then it is not “free.” It is full of “strings” of expectations, which the other person usually cannot know. So I say “yes” when I want to say “no,” and then get angry at the other person for taking advantage of me. This is one reason I rarely carpooled (also because I wanted to be the person my kids told all their “stuff” to, after school). It is a fairly business-type of agreement, but with none of the structures of a business agreement. I did favors for people from time to time but never like a continuing carpool.

By taking this mom’s gift cards, you are telling her that everything is A-OK. You should all get together and hammer out an agreement where no one can take advantage.

 

[ringil]

Honestly, if you are so bothered and feel taken advantage of by this little 8th grader, then don’t give him rides anymore. It is his parents’ responsibility to teach him manners, not yours.

Just my 2 cents.

It takes a village.

 

[Debora123]

What about teachers? Do you think, as one poster here on this thread mentioned, that while teachers often are the ones to provide guidance to kids, that they should not be correcting their students? Only parents should be doing this?

If you want to say something to him, then by all means, say something to him. Of course, I think there’s a difference between a school teacher and the driver of a car pool.

It it were me, I personally wouldn’t have said anything and would have thought it not to be my personal place. I gave my opinion because the thread asked for it. Do what you think is best.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I might say something to his mom, but not directly. Like I wouldn’t say, “FYI, you’re son never says thanks”, because more than likely, he doesn’t say thank you because his parents don’t reinforce the concept at home. Instead, I might say something like, “Joey always seems upset in the mornings when I drop him off at school. He just gets out of the car in silence and doesn’t say thank you or anything. Is everything okay, or is he just not a morning person?” That or you can have one of your daughters tell him face to face that all the carpool adults think he’s rude because he doesn’t thank you.

I like this suggestion the best. Along with a nudge to Joey or Bobby or whatever his name is, I’ll bet this would take care of the problem.

But again, if the true problem is that the mom is taking advantage of the 2 carpool moms, then Joey finding his manners will not fix the underlying issue.

 

[PRmerger]

But again, if the true problem is that the mom is taking advantage of the 2 carpool moms, then Joey finding his manners will not fix the underlying issue.

I don’t know that I would characterize it as this mom taking advantage of anyone. She simply thinks, “They’re driving anyway. I have to work. What’s the harm in having them swing by and pick up my son? And I do give them a gift card to thank them!”

As far as not picking up when she’s already up for a school activity, I think that’s more of a “it never crossed her mind” kind of thing that it would be helpful to not have to go up and pick up our kids if she’s already there.

It’s more clueless than calculated.

 

[petitfleur]

I would say something to the boy myself in a nice way or in a humorous way. I used to have to remind my 13 year old to say thank you and have good manners, even calling parents to ask if she thanked them. It’s not that she is rude but terribly shy. I remind her now and then that sometimes when you are shy people think you are rude and not shy. It is something she concisely worked on.
I know a mom who has a cheerful personality and the kids really like her, she doesn’t think twice about reminding kids about manners, and does it in a nice and sorta funny way. I dont think she offends anyone.
I think the exaggerated “your welcome.” if done nicely can do the trick.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t know that I would characterize it as this mom taking advantage of anyone. She simply thinks, “They’re driving anyway. I have to work. What’s the harm in having them swing by and pick up my son? And I do give them a gift card to thank them!”

As far as not picking up when she’s already up for a school activity, I think that’s more of a “it never crossed her mind” kind of thing that it would be helpful to not have to go up and pick up our kids if she’s already there.

It’s more clueless than calculated.

Then let it go. Give the kid some kind of funny hint about the thank you and let it go.

How important is it?