8th grader shell shocked me today

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pammie

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Driving home from school, my Catholic schooled
8th grader informed me that she doesn’t believe in all things taught by the Catholic Church. For example, she feels abortion should be allowed. She also sees no reason why gay marriage is wrong. I said very little to her at the time because I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say. I cannot even type anymore right now.
 
Hey, congrats! You have a teenager!

Exploring boundaries.

Thinking out loud.

Hitting mom and dad where it hurts.
 
That was my thought too. Maybe she is testing me. How would you handle this?
 
Yes–I agree with Paul. It is part of exploring their ‘inidividuality.’ My son will say some surprising things (he is in 9th grade now) and then, he will talk about mortal sin, and how he is going to try hard in his life not to do anything that will lead him from God. But, he has a little confusion over the abortion issue, and we talk more and more about it–it is natural for kids to challenge beliefs, perhaps. I think the best thing to do, is just keep planting positive Catholic seeds…and God will make them grow within your daughter. But, don’t worry–it’s natural for teenagers to hear things from media, etc…and question.
 
pammie said:
That was my thought too. Maybe she is testing me. How would you handle this?
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Maybe just a simple question and answer session…

You–why do you believe this?
Your dd–her answer
You–This is God’s thought on that…
Your dd–her answer
You–Well, the Church is given to us by God…and God says that…

I think continuously looping God vs the world’s perspective into conversations with her, will be very helpful. Also–I bought my son a book written by Pope JP2 for his confirmation last year-it was basically TOB for teens. He wouldn’t even look at it much last year, and now he tells me he’s reading it…so, keep planting those seeds mom! They will blossom…don’t worry.:o
 
Well, you don’t sit them down and don’t let them up until they recant their unholy position.

I will NEVER do that again.

😊

Seriously, my kids are always pushing our buttons.

My now 14-year-old daughter actually didn’t go to church for about six months a few years ago. Absolutely refused. Couldn’t budge her. We talked, we explored her reasons. Then, one day she just went with me to confession and has been going ever since, and is being confirmed this year.
 
Between 10 and 13 the brain becomes capable of abstract reasoning. The child’s logical process is ready to tackle abstractions such as morality and conformity, whereas earlier her abstract thoughts were reactive and more emotions than conclusions. She is now trying to apply to big questions waht used to just apply to concrete things, and abstract things don’t always look as clear as objects do.
She will change her mind on many things in the period from now until after she can see dialectically (reasoning about the big picture, seeing every side of an issue at once without forgettig where she stands) at around 19 or 20. That’s why the teens are special. They think all the things adults think but come short of integrating their thoughts.
All this just means it’s inevitable and not personal and not forever.
 
pammie said:
Driving home from school, my Catholic schooled
8th grader informed me that she doesn’t believe in all things taught by the Catholic Church. For example, she feels abortion should be allowed. She also sees no reason why gay marriage is wrong. I said very little to her at the time because I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say. I cannot even type anymore right now.
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As Paul said, welcome to Teen Town!!!

And I suppose all the happy gay married couples get to wear make-up to school, too.😃

The Internet was non-existenet when this happened to me, SOOOO mom pulled out her handy-dandy research pamphlet from the crisis pregnancy center.

While whatever else happened in her life, the girls are alive and have been given a chance, even if she hangs with gay guys.
 
As others have said, I would recommend slowly and consistently presenting the Church’s teachings on these issues and providing the underlying reasoning for them.

While she is starting to be able to understand empathy and to put herself in the place of a teenage girl who “made a mistake” or a young man or woman who “just wants to love someone,” she doesn’t yet have the ability to fully understand the issues surrounding this. It is important that you keep the dialog open so that your daughter feels comfortable knowing she can continue to work through this with you for years to come as new thoughts, angles, and situations arise. That means you shouldn’t be demanding or demeaning because then she won’t talk to you, but you also shouldn’t be quiet and passive because then she never hears the rest of the story.

I would recommend expressing your thoughts on these subjects as they arise without lecturing. Make sure she sees you show empathy for people in these situations and provide assistance that is loving and practical. If you talk down about a relative who is pregnant out of wedlock, she might think you are a hypocrite. Instead, praise them in private for choosing life and discuss what support you can give them. You can also express dismay when people on TV or in your life make choices you don’t condone, contrasting them with the benefits of a better decision.

“It is such a shame that she didn’t explore adoption. She could have chosen to have an open adoption if she wanted and then she could have seen her daughter grow up with visits and outings while she could also enjoy her childhood and make a life for herself. Instead, she went through a surgery with a lot of physical risks which opened herself up to an increased risk of breast and cervical cancer, depression, and suicide on top of complications from the abortion like loss of blood and infection. It is a real shame that she didn’t know about the options for her to get assistance in parenting if she wanted to or about open adoptions and the control she would have in the process. She must have felt so alone and scared to resort to abortion. Susan, if any of your friends are ever that scared and alone I want you to know that they can come here and talk without any fear and we’ll help them. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through such a scary time alone.”

It has been shown that girls who go through school health programs which teach how adoption works and what the procedures and options are as well as teach how abortions work and what the procedures and options are with the straight facts have almost a 100% parenting or adoption rate among teenage pregnancies.

At her age, now would be a good time to start working with a pro-life group. There are a lot of ministries within the pro-life umbrella, so search around and find the one you think would speak to her the most. Since she is already empathetic to women who are considering abortion, it would be good to have her working somehow on the side of people who already had them. Surrounding her with men and women who work with programs like Rachel’s Vineyard would be a good connection to hearing about the pain and torment abortion causes. Maybe she could do filing work or take phone calls for them? Hearing it from these young men and women directly instead of from mom and being able to talk to you openly and honestly, combined with your solid and consistent witness should help her over time.

It will be hard for her if she’s the only one in her circle of friends who is “conservative” so also make sure she is in a place where being pro-life and against homosexual marriage won’t make her a target or an outcast. Unfortunately, being in Catholic school is no guarantee.

I saw a video of how teachers promote the homosexual agenda in schools by using peer pressure and open-ended questioning. It was produced to teach teachers and administrators in public and private schools how to get the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered agenda into the classroom under the radar. Peer pressure is a powerful force at this age. While exploration and boundary testing is normal, you also would be wise to make sure she has enough people in her life who she enjoys who support her being a solid Catholic.
 
Oh my gosh… I am so happy I just came on here tonight and read this post!!
What is it with 14 yr old 8th grade daughters?:confused:
Ok, my daughter is indeed 14 and in 8th grade and lately we are fighting all the time, today she told me Lent is stupid and not eating meat is really stupid… she says she can’t wait until she is an adult and can pick and choose what she will and won’t follow in the Catholic church:eek:
Of course, I am hurt and devastated and beside myself and angry with myself wondering where I lead this child wrong… but… maybe she is just testing me? Also, about four days ago she told me that she feels women should be allowed to become priests and when I tried to explain to her why that was not ok, she walked away from me!

This is a hard age… I could take a lot of her other stuff but I felt like “at least she has good values and a strong faith walk” and now… I am totally freaking out!

So… I just want to thank you all for letting me put this a little more into perspective and I hope and Pray that this is merely a phase…:o
 
kamz said:
Oh my gosh… I am so happy I just came on here tonight and read this post!!
What is it with 14 yr old 8th grade daughters?:confused:
Ok, my daughter is indeed 14 and in 8th grade and lately we are fighting all the time, today she told me Lent is stupid and not eating meat is really stupid… she says she can’t wait until she is an adult and can pick and choose what she will and won’t follow in the Catholic church:eek:
Of course, I am hurt and devastated and beside myself and angry with myself wondering where I lead this child wrong… but… maybe she is just testing me? Also, about four days ago she told me that she feels women should be allowed to become priests and when I tried to explain to her why that was not ok, she walked away from me!

This is a hard age… I could take a lot of her other stuff but I felt like “at least she has good values and a strong faith walk” and now… I am totally freaking out!

So… I just want to thank you all for letting me put this a little more into perspective and I hope and Pray that this is merely a phase…:o
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Oh I love it. 😉 And everything is stupid, and you are stupid, but what it really is, is that she’s feeling stupid.
 
I said exactly the same thing about abortion to my parents at the dinner table when I was in grade 12, 38 years ago, not too long after abortion had been made legal in Canada. This is nothing new.

Unlike you, my dad wasn’t speechless, he immediately accused me of wanting to go to university so that I could have sex as much as I wanted and have an abortion if I got in trouble. Your approach was much saner. This is the same dad who told me that if I ever got pregnant outside of marriage he’d die by hanging. It was never clear if he meant he’d hang himself or if he’d kill me and be hanged in punishment.

FWIW, my views on abortion changed when I started nursing school and to be perfectly honest, God and religion didn’t really factor into that change, just what I experienced on the maternity ward.
 
I’m trying to remember if I ever went through this…I don’t think I ever felt abortion was anything but wrong and the Church was anything but right, but that’s me and i’m not normal. Of course, when I was 14 we didn’t go to church very often, and I was the most religious one in my family at the time. Although I come from a very anti-gay, anti-evolution family, and I’ve been labeled “Pro-gay, pro-evolution” by my dad and brother:shrug: I’m not, I just belive in “love the sinner, hate the sin” and that science is not at ends with religion, God created the world no matter how he did it. So I guess I just rebelled against different issues:shrug: Of course I also “became goth” which my parents still claim is a phase:rolleyes:

But yeah it’s normal for kids to challenge things, don’t worry, most of them see the light, eventually.
 
Goth_Catholic said:
Of course I also “became goth” which my parents still claim is a phase:rolleyes:
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LOL I wonder if my parents are STILL waiting for me to grow out of it? 21 YEARS later?

:rotfl:

Now that’s what I call a PHASE!!

OP – I only have an 8 year old for my eldest, but I seem to recall saying shocking things for the sake of it. Just to p my mom off - yet neither parent really cared I did the punk/goth thing. I tried a few things with my dad, but he was so into allowing me to form my opinions, learn about life, let me spout off like a know-it-all and then watch me eat some humble pie. I am really glad he did, my faith is strong, and so are my opinions. I should mention he’s an atheist, which is the irony here: he instilled some good moral values while letting me explore life. I was raised as Catholic as possible by my mom’s side (before-and-after everyone left the church) but without the sacraments – so I had a GREAT platform from which to dive from.

Your daughter has an even better platform: and it’s where she surfaces that matters, and you have already provided that great platform. But it’s watching her swim and test different waters that’s scary. But it’s her time to swim…let her. It’s not like she can or will really DO the things she’s saying she challenges the Church’s teaching’s with. She’s just questioning life right now, and checking your reaction.

Try not to be too hurt, she’ll do what she can to test you, but she also wants to know you love her and you care, so she goes for the big reaction. It’s a scary time, seeing the world for yourself yet wanting to have the love of your parents continue while no longer “blindly” believing everything they tell you to. Does that make sense? I fear I am jumbling. Must. get. sleep.

I am and yet aren’t looking forward to this time with my kids…heck I just want to sleep a little longer at night with my 2month old! LOL

Good Luck and God Bless.
 
Heh, heh.

You brought back a childhood memory.

I remember we talked about homosexuality in sex. ed. class and I came home and said, “What’s so bad about homosexuality? It would seem to be okay if the 2 adults are consenting”

My very Catholic mom just about stroked out.

And I mean really. . .I never saw her like that.

She went about spewing venom. . .homosexuality is a disease! The Church says so. She wouldn’t let it drop. Of course, it just spurred further debate on my part.

I think she mostly feared that I was going to be homosexual just by the very notion I thought it may be morally acceptable. The ironic thing is I am as straight as they come so I don’t know why she was so frightened.

My father relayed the same story later that one day he came home from school in the 30’s and said,

“Mom. Dad. What’s so bad about communism?”

The teacher had apparently talked about it that day. Not trying to convert anyone. . .just explaining it.

His mom and dad had 15 coniptions right there and actually went and had the teacher fired for bringing it up.

(yeah, really. . .I guess this is before the days of a teacher’s union)

Moral of the story: You don’t like what the school exposes your children to. . .treat them like mushrooms and home school them.

Moral of the story for teenagers reading: Some subjects are better discussed with peers.

I was lucky to have a good group of peers growing up - some devoutly Catholic and others aetheist. Try to avoid talking to knuckleheads, LOL. Usually knuckleheads didn’t want to discuss subjects such as morality anyway.

God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth. . .use them in proportion with your 8th grader is all I can suggest. Teenagers aren’t the most revealing people anyway so when you have one actually open up. . .turn off the mouth/preaching and listen.
 
pammie said:
Driving home from school, my Catholic schooled
8th grader informed me that she doesn’t believe in all things taught by the Catholic Church. For example, she feels abortion should be allowed. She also sees no reason why gay marriage is wrong. I said very little to her at the time because I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say. I cannot even type anymore right now.
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Ah, plausibility has reared its ugly head. A lot of that is normal teenager stuff - questioning authority and asserting her own opinions about the world. But she does need truthful answers to set her in the right direction.

She’s old enough to read and comprehend this essay. I’d print it and give her a copy, then tell her you’ll continue the discussion on these topics once she’s read and considered these wise words. 😉

Three Secret Strategies of Satan to Destroy our Children, our Families, our Culture, and our Church
by Bro. Ignatius Mary
 
Scanner said:
My father relayed the same story later that one day he came home from school in the 30’s and said,

“Mom. Dad. What’s so bad about communism?”
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Lol. I once had a dream what Russian communists took over the US…and things weren’t that bad; gas prices were lower, prices dropped, and we could still pratice religion. Of course I know it isn’t really that way with communism, but I pay too much attention during history;)
 
pammie said:
Driving home from school, my Catholic schooled
8th grader informed me that she doesn’t believe in all things taught by the Catholic Church. For example, she feels abortion should be allowed. She also sees no reason why gay marriage is wrong. I said very little to her at the time because I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say. I cannot even type anymore right now.
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I don’t think you can properly formulate a response until you find out who is influencing her perceptions.

Find out who or what is feeding her and what her stake in it is…popularity? A sense of belonging? Being cool? Feeling that she is saving the world?

If other kids are talking to her, they may be all equally misinformed. What if it is an adult? They might be saying very untruthful and misleading things to her.
 
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