9 pregnancies in 10 years; 7 c-sections, considering tubal ligation

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I’m offering the notion that she SHOULD abstain.
And he should be open to it for her sake and the sake of the children.
From what she presents, it doesn’t sound like either of them thought it was good for their family to space the beiths.

I find it difficult to understand a husband who insists on relations after c section.
I don’t have a dog in this fight, but seeing as she just now joined, and has made up her mind, I don’t understand the thread, TBH.
peace!
 
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pianistclare said:
I find it difficult to understand a husband who insists on relations after c section.
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Does she say that her husband insisted on relations? It’s possible that this is true, but I’m not sure that we have grounds to assume this.
 
Heck, with that many kids at home, I’m impressed that either of them have the energy to WANT to have sex. Just sitting at a desk all day renders me exhausted beyond any activity 🙂
 
pianistclare said:
Doesn’t it take TWO people?

Yikes.

I’m out/. 🤨
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Yes, it takes two, which is why I questioned the assumption that it was one of those two people who was doing the insisting. This is none of our business, but I just felt like the husband maybe was being blamed for something unfairly.
 
I am not homeschooling. I tried it with my oldest 2 for 2 years and I couldn’t continue with so many littles. They are now in public school and doing well enough. We’d love to afford Catholic school but it’s NOT an option at $20k/year for 4 kids. My oldest try to help, but even with monetary incentives they would rather not do chores so it’s a constant battle.
 
MamaBurtonof9 said:
My oldest try to help, but even with monetary incentives they would rather not do chores so it’s a constant battle.
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It’s difficult with so many, but your three oldest are right at the age where they should be providing substantial help.

I suggest a combination of mandatory “free” chores and optional paid chores, bearing in mind that kids will not accept a “pay cut,” so price tasks judiciously.
 
You are right, he has not insisted. We BOTH do not wish to abstain indefinitely or when our desires are the strongest. We know this is the only way to guarantee I do not get pregnant, but I feel like it would be a huge strain on our marriage to have to abstain when we want it the most.
As far as right after c-sections, we usually wait the recommended 6 weeks but with me feeling awful at least a month before delivery, my husband has usually gone 2-3 months without sex and I try to give him that release as soon as I am physically able. Of course while nursing postpartum it’s extremely hard to track when I’m fertile or not.
We were open to life whenever God chose to give it to us, up to #6 because we had no idea he would continue to bless us so close together and we felt like it was still safe for the most part. Now with #7 c-section and my mental state more unstable with so many littles, I no longer feel it is safe/in my family’s best interest to have another one.
 
All kids have a currency and it doesn’t have to be monetary. If they have to earn what they want, it may provide more motivation. I still get blow back from my oldest, of course, but if they want time with their bikes, video games, etc., they have to do chores. My kids are less motivated by money and more motivated by fun stuff they like.

Praying for you, Mama. I’ve had 3 c-sections and am amazed by you. Each time it took so much for me to recover and feel even halfway normal again.
 
There is an objective moral law and it’s wrong to sterilize ourselves. Done with full consent, understanding the gravity of this sin, and it’s objective evil, our Catholic faith teaches that sterilization is a mortal sin.
 
You need to sit down and talk with a doctor who actually cares for your health.

When you delivered your second child you should of had a medical professional sit down with you and tell you in graphic detail what could happen when you have children so closely spaced, never-mind via c-section.

By your third you should of had the fear of God struck into you.

My cousin is an OBGYN. The scars don’t heal fully until 2 years. There’s literally no way for you to know if your scars actually healed.

I think that perhaps some abstinence is in order. Tying tubes has been known to fail …you need to have a real and serious conversation with the husband.
 
CD45 said:
Have the procedure. Get healthy and stay well. Enjoy your young family and intimacy with your husband. Live your life. The Church will always welcome your large family. You have gone through a lot and deserve to move on to another stage of motherhood. You have earned it and do not deserve any comments to the contrary. I wish you well 🙂
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Ah. So she should follow your advice rather than God’s. Somehow that doesn’t seem quite right. “What profit a man to gain the whole world but lose their soul?”

I know abstinence or a very conservative use of maybe a combination of nfp methods is the more difficult road, but she really should be speaking to a priest or spiritual director for advice and not random people on the internet who will tell her what she wants to hear. Perhaps she should get in touch with her diocesan family life office.
 
MamaBurtonof9 said:
We have tried using NFP but have not been successful in the past - notice how close all the kids are in ages.

I cannot imagine that God would give us the desire and enjoyment of intercourse and then tell us that we are only able to use it during the least desirable time (phase 3) in order for me to remain safe and not get pregnant. I cannot see how having intercourse only during scheduled times is a unifying act.
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Often, learning NFP requires periods of extended abstinence while the method is learned. If you have been breastfeeding while trying to practice it, that comes with its own set of rules too. But that’s how it is.

Yes, it’s frustrating not to be able to when you want to the most. But that is biology. We have the gift of knowledge of our bodies and how they function, and we can use that knowledge. It is still unifying. We have been through several periods of extended abstinence or use of only Phase III. It takes self control and sacrifice, yes. It’s not ideal but when your reasons for needing to avoid pregnancy are serious it becomes easier to make the decision to avoid.

We aren’t supposed to just do whatever we want and then say “Oh, God will forgive us because He understands.” That is taking the easy way out, and the easy way isn’t always what is right.

There are a lot of us on these forums who have pretty extensive NFP and/or extensive abstinence experience. It is not impossible. It requires self control. No, you don’t get to do what you want whenever you want. But that’s not any different than anything else in life.
 
You need to think about what could happen to you and explain it in graphic detail to your husband when the urge is strongest for you both. This is not like an itch you want to scratch but know you shouldn’t. This is possibly depriving your children of a mother.
We used NFP and my last child was born 17 years before I hit menopause. Do you want another baby was the showstopper for us.
Please find a way to at least space anymore babies. Your life is what is at stake.
 
Heck, I’d rather not do chores. It is the rare human who LOVES to clean (and if you find one, send them my way!) When we live in family, we each have a responsiblity to contribute to the smooth operation of the household. Throughout time, throughout the world, children have had responsibilities (keep their room clean, do their assigned chores).

This current idea of mom as indentured servant waiting on all of the household is crazy and leads, as you know, to moms who are so overwhelmed that they hit a breaking point!

It seems that you are drowning from all sides and that something needs to give somewhere. Brainstorming what could make life just 10% easier.

Some resources for talking about chores:

Catholic To Fee or Not to Fee

Dr Ray article about “back talk” Dr. Ray Guarendi, clinical psychologist, author, speaker, radio host, and family advocate

Secular Age-Appropriate Chores for Children: Chore Ideas and Allowances or Printable age-by-age chore chart

Christian Age-Appropriate Chores For Kids - Focus on the Family
 
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Mi_Rose said:
You need to think about what could happen to you and explain it in graphic detail to your husband when the urge is strongest for you both.
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…and/or make an appointment with your OB/GYN and have your OB/GYN explain the risks to both of you.
 
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