A few moral dilemmas of mine

[johnnycatholic7]

Hey all, I’m currently 19 years old and engaged to what I truly consider to be God’s Blessing in my life. I love this girl so much, however I have a few questions/concerns. 1)She’s not Catholic, personally I never try to force my faith upon her but sometimes it hurts that she’s not. Also, does this mean I cannot have a Catholic wedding? 2) She wants to use contraceptives, are there any forms of “birth control” that are not considered a sin in the eyes of the Church?

 

[Franciscan]

Hey all, I’m currently 19 years old and engaged to what I truly consider to be God’s Blessing in my life. I love this girl so much, however I have a few questions/concerns. 1)She’s not Catholic, personally I never try to force my faith upon her but sometimes it hurts that she’s not. Also, does this mean I cannot have a Catholic wedding? 2) She wants to use contraceptives, are there any forms of “birth control” that are not considered a sin in the eyes of the Church?

Go to a good college and put off the wedding until you’re atleast 25.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Pray for her conversion, lead by example, don’t force her to do anything Catholic-like, but don’t hide the fact you are Catholic, or what the Church teaches. You can have a Catholic wedding, but if you have a Mass, she, and any of her family members (or yours, for that matter) and friends who aren’t Catholic can’t receive the Eucharist. Other than that, you can have a Catholic wedding… but you might need a dispensation from your Bishop (not sure on that…)

As for ‘birth control’, it is wrong to use any device/drug that would try to prevent pregnancy from happening. However, you can and should look into NFP, Natural Family Planning, which charts a woman’s natural fertillity cycle. You then abstain (or not, depending on what you’re aiming for ) during her fertile time of month. This differs from contraception, because they remove the life giving aspect from the sexual act, instead of accepting the fact that sex is meant to be both love giving and life giving, and working with the woman’s body instead of against it’s natural rhythms.
Hope this helps! ^^

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Go to a good college and put off the wedding until you’re atleast 25.

Some are called to be married early, and some late. That decision should be made through prayer and discernment, not some arbitrary benchmark.

 

[Franciscan]

Some are called to be married early, and some late. That decision should be made through prayer and discernment, not some arbitrary benchmark.

This was not arbitrary. I responded thoughtfully to his particular situation.

Given his idea that she is a blessing from God and at the same time a potential obstacle between himself and God.This may be a sign that he is too young to discern.

Also, He is 19 and Catholic, heterosexual. This means a potential father. Therefore he needs to think about earning a decent income. In order for this to happen he needs to either go to college or a trade school.

Meanwhile a certain amount of maturity will acrue.Being 19 and being 26 are very different.Given the high rate of unsuccesful marriages it’s proven that if one marries later at a more mature stage in life it will be more likely to succeed.

If it is god’s plan then why rush it. If it is not God’s plan then he will be giving god’s plan a chance.

So, as you can see it was not arbitrary. I really do have the best interest of the O.P in mind. I pray it turns out well.

Have a great day.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

This was not arbitrary. I responded thoughtfully to his particular situation.

Given his idea that she is a blessing from God and at the same time a potential obstacle between himself and God.This may be a sign that he is too young to discern.

Also, He is 19 and Catholic, heterosexual. This means a potential father. Therefore he needs to think about earning a decent income. In order for this to happen he needs to either go to college or a trade school.

Meanwhile a certain amount of maturity will acrue.Being 19 and being 26 are very different.Given the high rate of unsuccesful marriages it’s proven that if one marries later at a more mature stage in life it will be more likely to succeed.

If it is god’s plan then why rush it. If it is not God’s plan then he will be giving god’s plan a chance.

So, as you can see it was not arbitrary. I really do have the best interest of the O.P in mind. I pray it turns out well.

Have a great day.

I apologize for jumping on you. From your succinct sentence before, it was not clear to me that you had put a whole lot of thought into what you said. Thank you for explaining your logic. I do agree with what you said, especially that the OP needs to consider being able to support a family, something to consider in discernment.
Have a great day, too. ^^

 

[leonie]

Hey all, I’m currently 19 years old and engaged to what I truly consider to be God’s Blessing in my life. I love this girl so much, however I have a few questions/concerns. 1)She’s not Catholic, personally I never try to force my faith upon her but sometimes it hurts that she’s not. Also, does this mean I cannot have a Catholic wedding? 2) She wants to use contraceptives, are there any forms of “birth control” that are not considered a sin in the eyes of the Church?

Wow. Johnny. If you were my son, I would beg you to break the engagement until she converts.

You have no idea of the pain a marriage like this involves. If you find it painful now that you are separated by faith, multiply it 100X when this person is your spouse.

Natural Family Planning is the only method the Church allows for spacing childbirth. It is very effective, but it takes both partners to be committed to it.

You can have a Catholic wedding, but you will require a dispensation–easy to get. Will she even agree to a Catholic wedding?

If you don’t get a dispensation and marry outside a Catholic Church, your marriage will be invalid as a Catholic. That means you will not be able to receive communion or Confession.

I’m really scared for you. I think you are on the edge of a BIG mistake. Sharing a faith is more important than anything else in a marriage.

Johnny, have you prayed about this? Be wise.

Love is not enough to make a holy marriage–or even a happy one.

 

[OraLabora]

FWIW, I was a lapsed Catholic who married a non-denominatinoal, non-baptized Protestant. My wife eventually baptized in the Anglican church, just around the time I came back to my faith. I pray for her conversion (and my kids…they were baptized along with her, and the process was too far along for me to stop it). But I absolutely do NOT force it on her.

With regards to birth control, YOU are not allowed to use it but in a mixed marriage, if I understand correctly, if your wife insists on using it, it is not your sin but hers.

And yes, you can get a dispensation to marry in a Catholic church (easier if she’s at least another Christian, more difficult if she’s of another faith tradition, very difficult if she’s atheist or agnostic).

That said, the advice to cool it until you are 25 is the best so far. Moreover, you are living in the idealized phase of love at the moment. Trust me when that wears off, mixed Christian traditions are very difficult. I have had to endure frequent slagging of my faith (“where is that written in the Bible”) from my wife. I myself just keep quiet, which is partly why I joined a contemplative order as a lay member (Benedictine secular oblate). I reflect my faith inward rather than outwards. Drives her nuts but it’s the only way I can survive without getting into a religious argument, which a very wise priest told me to avoid at all costs.

If I had to do it again I would most certainly never marry a non-Catholic. In fact if I had to do it again I expect I may have given my life to Christ in one of the contemplative orders, but that’s another story.

 

[teachccd]

Hey all, I’m currently 19 years old and engaged to what I truly consider to be God’s Blessing in my life. I love this girl so much, however I have a few questions/concerns. 1)She’s not Catholic, personally I never try to force my faith upon her but sometimes it hurts that she’s not. Also, does this mean I cannot have a Catholic wedding? 2) She wants to use contraceptives, are there any forms of “birth control” that are not considered a sin in the eyes of the Church?

Speaking as a dad of a son just a few months shy of your age I will exhibit concern. It is my understanding that dating is to see if that person is compatible for you and if the two of you match in all of the criteria that you were seeking. No one is perfect and that is not what I am getting at here. What I am saying is that dating is not a wish list or a fix it shop. Whomever you marry will continue to be who they are and that must be accepted. If a change occurs, for example she converts to Catholicism, it is to be noted as an exception and not to be expected. When you marry someone who is strong in another faith or just simply does not value your faith you will open yourself up for hurdles especially when you guys have children. She will teach your daughters that contraception is o.k. regardless of your beliefs. ( Unless she changes which again cannot be expected.)

I know what love feels like. I’ve been in love with my bride for almost 26 years now. But I would still caution you guys to wait at least until you don’t need to present these questions whether in a forum or to yourself in private. If you guys are meant to be nothing will change that. But you must accept her for who she is. Are you willing to do that and have your children brought up in dissimilar faiths?

This was not a lecture. In another forum I just wrote on absolute truth. Again this is just stating the truths concerning the reality of the marriage commitment. ANY question should raise a red flag. Anyway my best to you both and just think about what I wrote even if you think that it’s a crock…God bless…teachccd

 

[homewardbound]

I will pray for you and your girlfriend. If she’s religious at all, I suggest you both pray every day about the future of the relationship. Don’t allow her to talk bad about your beliefs just because you love her, don’t be afraid to set her straight with facts. But, of course, don’t force anything either. In mixed religious relationships, debates are unavoidable. I wish you both the best of luck in whatever path God has for you. I hope you stay with your faith. My sister married her husband 13 years ago. She was Baptist, he was Episcopalian. They were both very active in their faith. Now, since they can’t agree on anything, neither go to church or practice any faith of any kind. Please, don’t let this happen to you. For the sake of yourself and, most importantly, any future children. Trust in God and in His will in your life, even if its not the way you want things. He will never fail you or take you away from your faith.

Birth control: as others have said, its never allowed. I used it for 2 years, unmarried. I converted to Catholicism and have stopped both BC and premarital sex. My relationship is much much better without those two things in my life. God has blessed me and my boyfriend for obeying Him. We pray together often, that helps us resist any temptation. Please, don’t let some girl talk you into anything that goes against the teachings of God. If she’s the person God wants you to be with, she will respect your beliefs and help you stay away from sin, not go towards it.

Again, I wish you both the very best.

God Bless

 

[teachccd]

My sister married her husband 13 years ago. She was Baptist, he was Episcopalian. They were both very active in their faith. Now, since they can’t agree on anything, neither go to church or practice any faith of any kind. Please, don’t let this happen to you. For the sake of yourself and, most importantly, any future children.

My wife works in our Religious Education office. She tells me of the many stories where mixed faiths cause problems. Big problems. My young friend, you must accept that she may never become Catholic and that your future children may be raised outside the faith. Along with that, your views on birth control have no relevance in her life and may never. You must accept that. You cannot change her. She can only change herself and this may never happen. I’m not trying to spread doom and gloom here. I’m just stating proven facts. NEVER marry into unresolved issues even if she is the love of your life. Remember that every divorced person loved their ex- spouse when they got married.

Again, I’m just raising the red flag of caution. If you are o.k. with exactly who she is right now then by all means marry her. If you’re not then by all means wait. Ultimately innocent children will suffer. Trust me on this…:twocents:

 

[teachccd]

Birth control: as others have said, its never allowed. I used it for 2 years, unmarried. I converted to Catholicism and have stopped both BC and premarital sex. My relationship is much much better without those two things in my life. God has blessed me and my boyfriend for obeying Him. We pray together often, that helps us resist any temptation. Please, don’t let some girl talk you into anything that goes against the teachings of God. If she’s the person God wants you to be with, she will respect your beliefs and help you stay away from sin, not go towards it.

If only you could share your story with so many of our young people who need this kind of advice. God Bless you and your boyfriend and don’t keep your situation a secret. It can save souls…

 

[sasafr]

This was not arbitrary. I responded thoughtfully to his particular situation.

Also, He is 19 and Catholic, heterosexual. This means a potential father. Therefore he needs to think about earning a decent income. In order for this to happen he needs to either go to college or a trade school.

Meanwhile a certain amount of maturity will acrue.Being 19 and being 26 are very different.Given the high rate of unsuccesful marriages it’s proven that if one marries later at a more mature stage in life it will be more likely to succeed.

Have a great day.

to the OP congrats on being engaged.
As people above have mentioned lead by example but don’t exclude or force her. Ask if she wants to attend mass with you, if she has never been start on a holiday. She might be more open to going if it was on a day of celebration. That might lead to her eventual conversion
As a catholic the only acceptable form of BC is NFP, which is effective if done properly.

TO the Franciscan. The OP said nothing about getting married beofre college. They may simply be engaged and waiting untill they are out of college. This happens often especially if one person is older than the other. I know that I will be engaged before I graduate college, as my boyfriend will graduate college this year. For his age it would be “normal” to be engaged for me at 19 people wonder. You must remember every relationship is different and what works for them may not work for someone else.

 

[MCH]

Mixed faith marriages do cause heartache, especially when there are children involved, I know. Don’t ever think you can change your spouse. It’s really hard not being able to share such an important part of your life with your spouse…

 

[StCsDavid]

Hey all, I’m currently 19 years old and engaged to what I truly consider to be God’s Blessing in my life. I love this girl so much, however I have a few questions/concerns. 1)She’s not Catholic, personally I never try to force my faith upon her but sometimes it hurts that she’s not. Also, does this mean I cannot have a Catholic wedding? 2) She wants to use contraceptives, are there any forms of “birth control” that are not considered a sin in the eyes of the Church?

Oy vey. Take a step back my friend and ask yourself if you really see spending the next 50 to 60 years not sharing your faith with your wife; dealing with the evil of contraception; and having your kids doubt their faith because Mom is not a believer. Love is one of the reasons to marry, but it’s not enough. I’m sure she is a wonderful person…but you may want to wait on the wedding until you can get some clarity with her and with yourself on what are the deal breakers for you.

 

[johnnycatholic7]

Whoa, I didn’t even remember this thread until my fiance saw it. And I must say, some of the stuff you said was harsh and over the line. You guys talk about bringing her to the faith and all of that yet you badmouth her and judge her? You talk of her as if she's some sort of monster who will "corrupt" me and my future children. I asked a few questions, much thanks to those who actually answered my questions, and shame on those who just down talked my fiance, me and my whole relationship and non-Catholics in general. I believe the second greatest commandment is to “love thy neighbor as you love thyself,” where was the love in most of these responses? The post about how she’s going to talk me into evil things, you guys don’t even know her at all. She would NEVER do that, and NEVER has asked me to do anything my conscience won’t allow. As fas as praying for her conversion, who are you to sit on you self righteous high horse and pray for the “betterment” of other people?
Luk 6:41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Luk 6:42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.
I can’t believe that I came here looking for some answers and what I got for the most part was a mass condemnation of my fiance` when none of you know her personally, you don’t even know her name…

 

[Evanescence]

**In what way is NFP used? Can couples use it for sexual pleasure and advoid pregency? Why is this allowed? I

Evanescence**

 

[pumpkinbeast]

**In what way is NFP used? Can couples use it for sexual pleasure and advoid pregency? Why is this allowed? I

Evanescence**

NFP can be used to avoid pregnancy for grave reasons; like risks to the mother’s health, or a truly bad financial situation where it is just not possible to provide for another child. If a couple uses NFP like others use contraception, ie use it for selfish reasons, it is wrong.

 

[TylerAlex]

Whoa, I didn’t even remember this thread until my fiance saw it. And I must say, some of the stuff you said was harsh and over the line. You guys talk about bringing her to the faith and all of that yet you badmouth her and judge her? You talk of her as if she's some sort of monster who will "corrupt" me and my future children. I asked a few questions, much thanks to those who actually answered my questions, and shame on those who just down talked my fiance, me and my whole relationship and non-Catholics in general. I believe the second greatest commandment is to “love thy neighbor as you love thyself,” where was the love in most of these responses? The post about how she’s going to talk me into evil things, you guys don’t even know her at all. She would NEVER do that, and NEVER has asked me to do anything my conscience won’t allow. As fas as praying for her conversion, who are you to sit on you self righteous high horse and pray for the “betterment” of other people?
Luk 6:41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Luk 6:42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.
I can’t believe that I came here looking for some answers and what I got for the most part was a mass condemnation of my fiance` when none of you know her personally, you don’t even know her name…

I can understand why you are feeling hurt and upset. The fact remains is that many people here were trying to give you an honest answer to a very important subject your raised. Some of the replies talk about their own personal struggles with differing denominational faiths in marriage- you should respect the fact they were willing to be open and honest with you. Sometimes, we can learn through other people’s examples without having to go through them ourselves.

I reviewed the posts and I still do not see where anyone condemned and put down your fiance personally… what they did what provide advice and counsel on mixed faith marriages and the use of contraception.

Almost fifteen years ago, I converted to Catholicism and had an engagement of almost two years. At the time, it was more important to my wife that we BOTH be Catholics- which, clearly, you can understand why. Now, I am the stronger of us two in terms of our devotion and understanding of the faith. The marriage prep classes mandated by the Church were extremely helpful because it forces you to discuss about very important issues ahead of time and work through any differences before you are committed forever together.

You clearly stated that you were “hurt” by the fact that she is not Catholic… this implies that the Holy Spirit is working inside you to get these important issues resolved before you get married. Perhaps she may want to convert after understanding how important it is to you, and discovering for herself the beauty of what the faith has to offer.

Have you shared with her the beauty of your faith?

 

[StCsDavid]

Whoa, I didn’t even remember this thread until my fiance saw it. And I must say, some of the stuff you said was harsh and over the line. You guys talk about bringing her to the faith and all of that yet you badmouth her and judge her? You talk of her as if she's some sort of monster who will "corrupt" me and my future children. I asked a few questions, much thanks to those who actually answered my questions, and shame on those who just down talked my fiance, me and my whole relationship and non-Catholics in general. I believe the second greatest commandment is to “love thy neighbor as you love thyself,” where was the love in most of these responses? The post about how she’s going to talk me into evil things, you guys don’t even know her at all. She would NEVER do that, and NEVER has asked me to do anything my conscience won’t allow. As fas as praying for her conversion, who are you to sit on you self righteous high horse and pray for the “betterment” of other people?
Luk 6:41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Luk 6:42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.
I can’t believe that I came here looking for some answers and what I got for the most part was a mass condemnation of my fiance` when none of you know her personally, you don’t even know her name…

I don’t know if my response offended you or not. If it did my apologies. Given your age, and the fact that you will have a mixed marriage, statistically the odds are working against you. I’m not saying it won’t work, and it’s not an assessment of your character. I would simply encourage you to prayerfully consider why such marriages (those where the couple is very young and not of the same faith) have a very high failure rate. Think about how much you knew when you were 9 years old versus how much you know today at 19. Double that knowledge and that will be how much you know at age 29. If marriage is the vocation God has called you to, you owe it to yourself, your fiance, and to God to make sure that you are truly ready to take on the vocation. If you are great. Complete this sentence…I believe my marriage will succeed where others in my same situation have failed because… I’m not asking you to share your answer here, but prayerfully consider it in your heart.