A few questions on marriage, love, and feelings

[thewanderer]

I guess to be technical, love is not a choice or a feeling. Love is a virtue. And God is Love.

Love does require an exercise of the will. But it is not reducible only to that.

Yes, thank you!

I have to admit that I get kind of frustrated with the tag line “love is a choice not a feeling” because, while there is a lot of truth behind it, if taken at face value, it is actually incorrect. This kind of phrasing can lead people to believe that emotional and physical attraction is completely unimportant in marriage, which is ridiculously false and sets up any couple that buys into it for a very very difficult marriage.

 

[Joe_5859]

Yes, thank you!

I have to admit that I get kind of frustrated with the tag line “love is a choice not a feeling” because, while there is a lot of truth behind it, if taken at face value, it is actually incorrect. This kind of phrasing can lead people to believe that emotional and physical attraction is completely unimportant in marriage, which is ridiculously false and sets up any couple that buys into it for a very very difficult marriage.

This is what happens when we try to put complex theological ideas into popular parlance.

I think it’s just the swinging of the pendulum trying to pull people from the pervasive “love is just a feeling” mentality. But you’re right, we cannot really take it at face value.

 

[thewanderer]

This is what happens when we try to put complex theological ideas into popular parlance.

I think it’s just the swinging of the pendulum trying to pull people from the pervasive “love is just a feeling” mentality. But you’re right, we cannot really take it at face value.

Oh, I totally get that people are using it to try and swing the pendulum the other way, but the problem is that if one is not careful instead of swinging the pendulum to the centre where it is supposed to be you will just swing it to the other extreme, which is just as problematic.

 

[Joe_5859]

Oh, I totally get that people are using it to try and swing the pendulum the other way, but the problem is that if one is not careful instead of swinging the pendulum to the centre where it is supposed to be you will just swing it to the other extreme, which is just as problematic.

Very true.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Love is an action we can choose to perform. However, we do not love all folks in the same way. Christ commanded us to love even our enemies, we couldn’t do that if love was a feeling beyond our control. However we may feel about our enemy, we still must love them, even if it’s just praying for their soul. Now, does that mean we’ll have sentimental feelings or passion for them like we would our spouse? No. Or the caring patient devotion and strength to guide someone that we would have for our child? No.

Feelings do change, they do fluctuate. Love is continuing to show our devotion and take care of someone despite our feelings of the moment. Feeding the ice chips when we’re desperately tired, the cranky patient has been ripping us a new one, it’s hot, we’re perhaps hungry, not feeling well ourselves, and we’re stressed over lost of other things in our lives. We may not feel much passion or sentimentality at all, but we are determined to love. To act. It is standing firm in guiding our children even in the face of their defiance or unpleasant diatribes. It’s caring enough about them to act in their best interests even when tempted to allow them to go down their proposed path to harm. Even when we’re being insulted viced thanked.

 

[SubjectVerb]

Love is an action we can choose to perform. However, we do not love all folks in the same way. Christ commanded us to love even our enemies, we couldn’t do that if love was a feeling beyond our control. However we may feel about our enemy, we still must love them, even if it’s just praying for their soul. Now, does that mean we’ll have sentimental feelings or passion for them like we would our spouse? No. Or the caring patient devotion and strength to guide someone that we would have for our child? No.

It’s important to distinguish the different kinds of love, especially in a marriage. In our society, we like to lump all kinds of love together; however, there are several types, and defining them will help avoid equivocation.

The following link gives a very good explanation of the different kinds of love: What is Authentic Christian Love? The most relative part is this (emphasis mine):

Is it true that “love is love”? The truth is we use the word love in many different ways.

In his 1973 hit song, “I Love,” country artist Tom T. Hall sang about his love for 25 different things—from “little baby ducks” to “life” to, of course, “you.” Certainly Hall does not love ducks in the same way he loves life or another person, yet he used the same term in reference to each. Love has broad meaning in the English language.Such is not the case with every language, especially when it comes to the love of other people. Pope Benedict XVI pointed this out in his encyclical Deus Caritas Est:

That love between man and woman which is neither planned nor willed, but somehow imposes itself upon human beings, was called eros by the ancient Greeks. Let us note straight away that the Greek Old Testament uses the word eros only twice, while the New Testament does not use it at all: Of the three Greek words for love, eros, philia (the love of friendship) and agape, New Testament writers prefer the last, which occurs rather infrequently in Greek usage . . . The tendency to avoid the word eros, together with the new vision of love expressed through the word agape, clearly point to something new and distinct about the Christian understanding of love. (DCE 3)

*So there are at least three kinds of love we can share with one another. *… If eros and philia are concerned primarily with our relationships with others, agape is concerned primarily with our relationship with God as well as with each other’s relationship with God. Christian love should be shared with anyone, regardless of our feelings. It is the kind of love which Jesus commanded that we show even to those we do not like: “Love your enemies” (Lk 6:27).

In a marriage, all three types of love should be present: eros, philia, and agape. This multifaceted quality of love in a marriage is part of the utter beauty of marriage. Agape, I believe, is the kind of love that leans more towards “a choice.” Eros would be the part that is not a choice (i.e. the physical and emotional attraction that just “is.”) And philia would the reason that my husband is my best friend. So here is my loose breakdown of how these types of love interact in a marriage:

Eros would be the act of realizing an attraction to a person and the special emotional and physical bond of spouses, philia would be the friendship that develops, and agape would be the continuing commitment to the sacrament of marriage. Of course, these types of love intermingle in all aspects of a marriage, but I think this breakdown is a good guideline.