A Letter from the Wife of a Porn Addict

[john1513]

At least back then you could avoid it or throw it away now it’s just everywhere and it’s a lot harder to avoid. You can’t just throw it away like booze or cigarettes. It’s online and it influences everything we see. I think there is a solution porn addiction it’s just I don’t know what that is.

You just said the solution. Getting rid of my smartphone and internet devices was the first serious step I ever took towards recovery and the only thing that got me sobriety.

“But you can’t expect people in this day and age to give up their smartphones!!!”

If you want recovery, you’ll make it work. I keep my smartphone in my car day and night. Important people have my desk number. Get a dumb phone. I made excuses for years on why I couldn’t go without my smartphone. Finally, by the grace of God, I got serious with myself.

If nothing changes, you can expect the same results. As you indicated, a porn addict having a smartphone is like an alcoholic keeping a flask in his pocket.

 

[twf]

From the article,I don’t think she was suggesting that an affair would be any less objectively grave but rather that it would be less subjectively hurtful for her.
One possibility why this might be is because the “liking of porn girls” might cause her to have negative feelings towards herself.
She might feel not good enough and that she can never measure up next to the faces or bodies of the young girls in the films/pictures so in a way it’s an attack on her womanhood and her identity itself.
Whereas with “real life women” she might feel that at least they might have been on similar levels attractiveness wise so the issue is then “just” about the trust,emotions and betrayal of the sanctity of marriage but isn’t “personal” (Ie:about her appearance).
Of course,if her husband did have a real life affair with someone “conventionally more attractive” she might still face the same problems.

I can understand those feelings. The reality is that even men with beautiful, young wives with conventionally perfect bodies can still struggle with pornography. It is probably difficult for women to understand this, but for men trapped in this sin, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the degree of “satisfaction” they have with their own wife.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I can understand those feelings. The reality is that even men with beautiful, young wives with conventionally perfect bodies can still struggle with pornography. It is probably difficult for women to understand this, but for men trapped in this sin, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the degree of “satisfaction” they have with their own wife.

I think people would accept your claims more if you weren’t trying to speak for all men who struggle with porn, and turning this into a “battle of the sexes” and portraying porn addicted men as victims of mean judgmental women who just don’t understand what it’s like to be a man.

I don’t even think the woman who wrote the letter was claiming to speak for all women in that position, either. Certainly, not all women agree that they could handle an affair better than a porn addiction.

 

[twf]

I think people would accept your claims more if you weren’t trying to speak for all men who struggle with porn, and turning this into a “battle of the sexes” and portraying porn addicted men as victims of mean judgmental women who just don’t understand what it’s like to be a man.

I don’t even think the woman who wrote the letter was claiming to speak for all women in that position, either. Certainly, not all women agree that they could handle an affair better than a porn addiction.

I certainly didn’t intend to imply that men who struggle with porn are in any way victims. Victims of themselves perhaps. I was simply expressing how I know many men feel…just as women in the thread / OP were expressing how many women feel. Those feelings are real even if they are not justified. I said in my first post that porn use is despicable and evil. I never absolved men of that sin…it is a loathsome, shameful, disgraceful, hell-damning, grave sin…no question about that and I never suggested otherwise. I was simply expressing how men might “feel” when told that what they are doing is worse than sleeping around with real women.

Look at the post you just replied to. I said that men “can”… so where did you derive from that that I was speaking for all men?

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I certainly didn’t intend to imply that men who struggle with porn are in any way victims. Victims of themselves perhaps. I was simply expressing how I know many men feel…just as women in the thread / OP were expressing how many women feel. Those feelings are real even if they are not justified. I said in my first post that porn use is despicable and evil. I never absolved men of that sin…it is a loathsome, shameful, disgraceful, hell-damning, grave sin…no question about that and I never suggested otherwise. I was simply expressing how men might “feel” when told that what they are doing is worse than sleeping around with real women.

Look at the post you just replied to. I said that men “can”… so where did you derive from that that I was speaking for all men?

Well, I was not stating you are speaking for all men in that post, but that you are speaking for the subset of “all men who struggle with porn”. That being said I did notice you stated that “for men trapped in this sin, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the degree of “satisfaction” they have with their own wife.”

I added the italics, but I guess the word “necessarily” does keep that from being an absolute statement for “all men trapped in this sin”.

I also was thinking of your other posts on this topic, where you constantly state “I, as a man…” as if you consider your own experiences to be universal for all men in your position, as opposed to just stating what is true for you. Here’s one example:

At the same time, I, as a man, might potentially just fall into utter despair and completely give up if my wife’s response was "I wish you had gone off with another woman rather than look at porn.

There you seem to be attributing your own hypothetical response not to your own personal issues, but merely to your condition of being a man.

I should also point out that many women (and I assume men) would have similar reactions to ANY addiction by a spouse. Indeed, I have seen it often that people compare spouses who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. to spouses who are having an affair, and consider it a reflection on them if “s/he can’t stop this habit even for my sake”. Even though there is even less reasonable cause for taking such an addiction personally.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I can understand those feelings. The reality is that even men with beautiful, young wives with conventionally perfect bodies can still struggle with pornography. It is probably difficult for women to understand this, but for men trapped in this sin, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the degree of “satisfaction” they have with their own wife.

No. It’s not a “trap”. It’s a deliberate, conscious choice - she knows that and that’s what’s causing the pain. And if you really “can’t” stop, then make the deliberate, conscious choice to restructure your life so it’s not a problem (i.e. ditch the smartphone).

That’s where it gets to be worse than an affair from the perspective of a wife. Philandering spouses generally don’t whine that they are “trapped” by their lover, they either destroy the marriage or end the affair.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

No. It’s not a “trap”. It’s a deliberate, conscious choice - she knows that and that’s what’s causing the pain. And if you really “can’t” stop, then make the deliberate, conscious choice to restructure your life so it’s not a problem (i.e. ditch the smartphone).

That’s where it gets to be worse than an affair from the perspective of a wife. Philandering spouses generally don’t whine that they are “trapped” by their lover, they either destroy the marriage or end the affair.

I think that for men who are actually addicted to porn it very well maybe a “trap” the way other addictions are. A gambling addiction might be the closest analogy here as there is no physical substance to be addicted to there, either, but the addict acts the way drug addicts do. Now a gambling addict or a drug addict may do more harm to his family by throwing away a lot of money on the addiction, or to society, by stooping to crime to get the money.

But on the other hand some porn/sex addicts do wind up doing very stupid things that are indeed illegal. Some porn addicts use company time, computers, and broadband for their addiction and I assume this could eventually lead to them being disciplined or fired if caught. Or being charged with sexual harassment if they leave the porn up to be seen by other employees.

However I also don’t think all men are actually addicted to porn, at least not to the point where addiction becomes a blanket excuse.

 

[twf]

I think that for men who are actually addicted to porn it very well maybe a “trap” the way other addictions are. A gambling addiction might be the closest analogy here as there is no physical substance to be addicted to there, either, but the addict acts the way drug addicts do. Now a gambling addict or a drug addict may do more harm to his family by throwing away a lot of money on the addiction, or to society, by stooping to crime to get the money.

But on the other hand some porn/sex addicts do wind up doing very stupid things that are indeed illegal. Some porn addicts use company time, computers, and broadband for their addiction and I assume this could eventually lead to them being disciplined or fired if caught. Or being charged with sexual harassment if they leave the porn up to be seen by other employees.

However I also don’t think all men are actually addicted to porn, at least not to the point where addiction becomes a blanket excuse.

Yes, its not necessarily a true addiction but it certainly can be. If you are doing truly irrational things like using it at work (and this happens), then that is clearly an addiction. If you are glimpsing at it once a week or so at night when alone, it is a serious problem, but not necessarily an addiction.

 

[twf]

No. It’s not a “trap”. It’s a deliberate, conscious choice - she knows that and that’s what’s causing the pain. And if you really “can’t” stop, then make the deliberate, conscious choice to restructure your life so it’s not a problem (i.e. ditch the smartphone).

That’s where it gets to be worse than an affair from the perspective of a wife. Philandering spouses generally don’t whine that they are “trapped” by their lover, they either destroy the marriage or end the affair.

All sin is a trap in a sense. Or rather, temptations are traps that the Devil, the World, and the Flesh lay in our path to holiness.
But yes it is still ultimately a choice to fall into that trap rather than avoiding it.

 

[Wedge_Antilles]

I think that for men who are actually addicted to porn it very well maybe a “trap” the way other addictions are. A gambling addiction might be the closest analogy here as there is no physical substance to be addicted to there, either, but the addict acts the way drug addicts do. Now a gambling addict or a drug addict may do more harm to his family by throwing away a lot of money on the addiction, or to society, by stooping to crime to get the money.

But on the other hand some porn/sex addicts do wind up doing very stupid things that are indeed illegal. Some porn addicts use company time, computers, and broadband for their addiction and I assume this could eventually lead to them being disciplined or fired if caught. Or being charged with sexual harassment if they leave the porn up to be seen by other employees.

However I also don’t think all men are actually addicted to porn, at least not to the point where addiction becomes a blanket excuse.

Just came from a Catholic men’s conference where Scott Hahn spoke, and this was addressed by one of the speakers. Men and women certainly have to take steps to battle the addiction. Simply ridding one of one’s smart phone is not enough, when all one has to do is look for another, cheap, replaceable alternative. Lots of prudent measures, but it must be battled like any other addiction, to include the rosary, adoration, and other spiritual tools.

There is lots of evidence that the addiction is far stronger and more damaging than heroin or cocaine.

thevisualcommunicationguy.com/2014/09/29/porn-vs-cocaine-which-is-worse/

 

[john1513]

Men and women certainly have to take steps to battle the addiction. Simply ridding one of one’s smart phone is not enough, when all one has to do is look for another, cheap, replaceable alternative. Lots of prudent measures, but it must be battled like any other addiction, to include the rosary, adoration, and other spiritual tools.

My experience is that Catholics and Christians (also at the advice of their clergy and fellow Christians) only use spiritual tools and never any practical tools. An alcoholic wouldn’t keep bottles of alcohol sitting around him while he prays the rosary 15 times a day. Needs to be a balance.

 

[Sugabee43]

I get how a woman might feel that way, because it isn’t about the other woman, it’s about you (you being the man using porn, I’m not actually pointing a finger your way). Porn is a violation of your vows. It’s you deciding to turn to someone else for sexual gratification other than your wife because…you want to.

Whether it’s a physical affair or not,you know what it does to your wife, and you choose to do it anyway. It tells her that porn is worth violating her trust, spitting on her love, and going against the vows your marriage is built on. If porn is truly “nothing”, then think of how low this must make her feel when “nothing” keeps coming before her. At least when it’s a real woman, there’s more to be tempted by. There’s the interaction, flirtation, hormone rush, the thrill of the will-we-or-won’t-we game, and finally, a unique and forbidden sexual experience. Of course, the consequences of a real affair are infinitely worse, but the consequences aren’t what is hurting the wife in question, it’s the intentional choice her husband is making every time he does this. From her perspective “He broke my heart for the hot young thing at the office” is awful, but it makes a heck of a lot more sense than “He broke my heart for pictures and videos online that he described as ‘meaningless’”.

I’m not saying one view is more correct than the other, just playing translator here.

I heartily endorse this post!! My (ex) husband recently divorced me; in part because his porn addiction has his mind so clouded that he blames me for not being what he terms “affectionate” enough - even though that never stopped his porn use when we were first married and constantly “affectionate”. After I discovered his use, I was suspicious but I never knew the full extent of his problem until after he finally admitted it to me in our 8th year of marriage. Despite myriad counseling sessions; retreats; healing prayer, etc. - if HE doesn’t want to change and justifies his behavior in his mind, then nothing will. Our family is now broken, and our kids are suffering the consequences; thankfully they are in their late teens/early 20’s, so they’re learning to deal with it. Pray for our 16 year old- not doing well right now.
My ex justified it as not “really” adultery - BUT IT IS. I’m just now getting to the point where I’m not blaming myself because I’ve been told for so long that it’s my fault.

 

[Wedge_Antilles]

My experience is that Catholics and Christians (also at the advice of their clergy and fellow Christians) only use spiritual tools and never any practical tools. An alcoholic wouldn’t keep bottles of alcohol sitting around him while he prays the rosary 15 times a day. Needs to be a balance.

No doubt. The story of God sending a raft, a rowboat, and a helo to the person trapped in a flood (who simply waited for God to save him and died) comes to mind.

We have the tools to use from both God and man, but I would encourage anyone to never eschew the spiritual tools God has given us, for sure.

 

[DlandFan06]

You just said the solution. Getting rid of my smartphone and internet devices was the first serious step I ever took towards recovery and the only thing that got me sobriety.

“But you can’t expect people in this day and age to give up their smartphones!!!”

If you want recovery, you’ll make it work. I keep my smartphone in my car day and night. Important people have my desk number. Get a dumb phone. I made excuses for years on why I couldn’t go without my smartphone. Finally, by the grace of God, I got serious with myself.

If nothing changes, you can expect the same results. As you indicated, a porn addict having a smartphone is like an alcoholic keeping a flask in his pocket.

I think that’s an extreme solution. There are ways to stop looking at porn without becoming a figurative hermit, y’know?

 

[DlandFan06]

I certainly didn’t intend to imply that men who struggle with porn are in any way victims. Victims of themselves perhaps. I was simply expressing how I know many men feel…just as women in the thread / OP were expressing how many women feel. Those feelings are real even if they are not justified. I said in my first post that porn use is despicable and evil. I never absolved men of that sin…it is a loathsome, shameful, disgraceful, hell-damning, grave sin…no question about that and I never suggested otherwise. I was simply expressing how men might “feel” when told that what they are doing is worse than sleeping around with real women.

Look at the post you just replied to. I said that men “can”… so where did you derive from that that I was speaking for all men?

“Hell-damning” sin? That seems harsh. I’m not disagreeing with you that it is a mortal sin but no need to treat users like lepers. Sometimes I think there’s hypocrisy among Catholics when it comes sinners: love the sin but still treat them like a leper or the lowest common denominator.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

“Hell-damning” sin? That seems harsh. I’m not disagreeing with you that it is a mortal sin but no need to treat users like lepers. Sometimes I think there’s hypocrisy among Catholics when it comes sinners: love the sin but still treat them like a leper or the lowest common denominator.

What’s a mortal sin if not hell-damning, theologically speaking?

 

[DlandFan06]

What’s a mortal sin if not hell-damning, theologically speaking?

True but you’re not helping an addict by rapping him across the knuckles and telling him he’s bad.

 

[bmaj]

I heartily endorse this post!! My (ex) husband recently divorced me; in part because his porn addiction has his mind so clouded that he blames me for not being what he terms “affectionate” enough - even though that never stopped his porn use when we were first married and constantly “affectionate”. After I discovered his use, I was suspicious but I never knew the full extent of his problem until after he finally admitted it to me in our 8th year of marriage. Despite myriad counseling sessions; retreats; healing prayer, etc. - if HE doesn’t want to change and justifies his behavior in his mind, then nothing will. Our family is now broken, and our kids are suffering the consequences; thankfully they are in their late teens/early 20’s, so they’re learning to deal with it. Pray for our 16 year old- not doing well right now.
My ex justified it as not “really” adultery - BUT IT IS. I’m just now getting to the point where I’m not blaming myself because I’ve been told for so long that it’s my fault.

Sorry to hear things are still rough, Sugabee. You’re so right - if he doesn’t want to change his behavior and keeps justifying the porn use in his mind, nothing will help until he finally wants to change, unfortunately. I’m finding that out as well in my marriage as I’m sure many other wives sadly discover, too. I will pray for your 16-year old and you as well. I’m sorry it’s so difficult for everyone. I’m glad you’re able to be at the point now where you’re not blaming yourself for this sin of his anyway. When we wives get blamed for so long, it can take quite awhile to get to that better place, unfortunately. Please take care, and may our dear Lord remain by your side.

 

[john1513]

I think that’s an extreme solution. There are ways to stop looking at porn without becoming a figurative hermit, y’know?

A porn addict is by definition addicted to their devices from which they receive porn. You can try a filter or software but there are ways around them. Regaining self control will likely require at least a temporary removal of devices. Going without a smartphone for 90 days will not make one a hermit. On the contrary, heavy use of a smartphone or computer makes a person far more like a hermit than a person who uses these devices significantly less or not at all

 

[commenter]

“Hell-damning” sin? That seems harsh. I’m not disagreeing with you that it is a mortal sin but no need to treat users like lepers. Sometimes I think there’s hypocrisy among Catholics when it comes sinners: love the sin but still treat them like a leper or the lowest common denominator.

There are some helpful resources: reclaimsexualhealth.com/Reclaim-Online-Program/features.html;

Google “Matt Fradd” he has worked in this area for years. There are many other resources available, specific to Catholics, as well as for others.

There may have been a time when Christians who had continuing sexual “issues” were labelled as bad people by themselves. Today I think the opposite extreme is more common. The tendency is, “well, this is an addiction. Now that I know that, that means I am not really responsible for my actions.” The reality is that yes, there is an addictive component, but we are morally responsible to not merely avoid temptation, but to actively seek out psychological/spiritual resources to deal with it.

This might mean reading books, getting an accountability partner, getting into an online program such as RECLAiM, seeking out support groups, and getting a regular confessor, rather than shopping around.