Praying for you. I feel what you feel. I have had a very dark childhood experience as well. I grew up full of fears, anxious and unloved as my family and I were suffering from my father’s mental illness. It went as bad as I gave up my faith and became agnostic. I suffer major depressions and became excessively melancholic and pessimistic in life. Ironically what helped me the most through those times are books: the bible, wisdom books and proverbs, inspirations from people who lived good lives, and the belief that I have a mission in this world, there must be something beyond suffering (you can read victor frankl’s logotherapy and man’s search for meaning). I read all the psychology books I could. I’m quite thankful of them because they somehow helped me understand myself…However they are only so good in so far as to help explain things, not fully heal me.
In my last year in College, God intervenedI remembered having prayed for these in my mind or in my wishes though not really devoutly, as I have trust issues as well and dont expect much for God to be real or not.But I desired in my heart that I would really believe, He is my only hope in this absurd life.
He answered my prayer a year after having gone through a very difficult romantic relationship and impressing on me a deep understanding that family, work, love, friends and everything in this world will perish but God will not. And so I desperately sought for the Lord…it is in these desperate times that I became very vulnerable to God that he was able to pour His graces in my life. . After these terrible things and much desperation, I suddenly became the president of a religious Organization. My lifestyle changed from a completely worldly one to a very devout and religious one. Everyone who knew who I was before would attest that it is a miracle.
For two years, He lavished me with such abundant graces–spiritually, financially, physically etc ( a foretaste of His abundance and mercy)…but now once again, I am going through the dark ages of my life—I lost my job (ministry), lost my honor, my hope etc. my brother came back home with a withdrawal/depression issues, and my father’s having a very terrible mortal sin which pains me so much to watch. Added to that I am suffering greatly spiritually from scruples and all sorts of temptations. I feel that the enemy really hates me and wants to discourage me because God gave so many gifts after i surrendered my soul to him.
But it’s different now that I have faith. Faith is a conscious, active, very persistent choice to stay with the Lord. It is truly difficult–especially at such crucial point one is very vulnerable to survival panics, despair, pessimism, suicide, withdrawal and the worldly culture. However, I do not despair so much though I suffer a lot. In fact, I am expecting more to come. Because if my faith were to be strong, i have to learn to get through the bad times as much as the good times.
In general, i dont believe too much in psychology though it can be intergrated. At the end of the day, the only thing that kept is Prayer—unceasing prayer, I beg for prayers from people and from the saints (Padre Pio, St therese of lisieux, st teresa of avila and Father Ignatius of Loyola) and Mother Mary, Communion—especially when the temptations are very strong,** Spiritual readings** also helped me a lot understand what I’m going through especially St. John of the Cross’ Dark Night of the Soul and St. Faustina’s Diary. Also I do a lot of examination of conscience (St. Ignatius Spiritual Exercise) and do practical things—asking help and guidance from people and doing my best to help get through my situation (applying for work and practicing the virtues)
Whatever path the Holy Spirit is trying to guide you (prayer, communion, service etc)–be faithful to it no matter what happens, even when it seems that nothing is visibly happening. There will be many times when I think nothing is happening. Sometimes graces are given spiritually, not physically. Perhaps the Lord is teaching you patience, humility and perseverance—treasures far more worthy of having than comfort and pleasure.
Last point…if psychology doesnt work…read the Lives of the Saints.
meltdown last night. One of the things that triggers them!! :idea: Knowing such will help me to avoid the trigger in the future. 
