A massive dilemma

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waitingforHim

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Hey guys

so i finally signed up after browsing the forums looking for an answer
i am currently in the third year of relationship with a girl who ive recently started doubting whether or not i want to marry
the problem is, my judgment is being clouded by the fact that i have recently developed an attraction for someone else who i feel i have really good chemistry with. both are practising catholics.

my girlfriend and i have always had our problems; i feel like we rushed into our relo at a very young age (teenagers) and everything felt rushed. admittedly, we overlooked our issues of compatability because we both wanted the relationship to work. i feel that she is too dependant on me for happiness, and she reminds me often that without me she would be so miserable.

i feel like i don’t have the desire to turn off my attraction for the other girl, but im still not sure if im making a mistake. i want my girlfriend to be happy, but im scared that i dont truly love her if i am falling for someone else.

i feel like the other person and i are more compatible, and we have alot of fun spending time together and i really find it hard to ignore it all

also, i dont like my girlfriends family because i feel like we have nothing in common and they are non practicing, whereas i am very close to the other girl’s family. the other girl is also very close to my friends, whereas my girlfriend is less social and hasnt really gotten to know my friends

any insight would be great; maybe there are people who have experienced the same thing

i dont want anything more than to do the right thing, and follow God’s will, but am i wrong in having feelings for someone else?

edit: i will say this; i feel like up to this point i’ve never given myself fully to her emotionally or in will. i feel like ive been in the relationship for myself just as much as for her

edit: we are both 20
 
This dilemma doesn’t sound really all that massive. You want out but you’re afraid of hurting her. Good! That means you have empathy and you care about other people, even if you’re not in love with them.

I have to tell you that there is no “good” way to break up with someone. There’s no way that it’s not going to involve emotional pain on both sides, though she’ll probably take it far harder. I don’t know that you can remain friends after this break up. That’s how it goes sometimes.

I’d think about the decision, pray about it and then pray for her to take it as well as possible. Ripping off the band-aid now and taking the emotional pain now is far better than going further, getting engaged or even getting married and being miserable. That’s not good for either of you.

Kudos for caring about how she’ll take it even though you’re not really in love with her. Continue to show her Christian love. But Christian love doesn’t mean just knuckling under and staying with her because you don’t want her to emotionally suffer. You’re not married or even engaged. You don’t owe her anything more than Christian love and charity. Show that to her and then go live your life.
 
waitingforHim said:
edit: i will say this; i feel like up to this point i’ve never given myself fully to her emotionally or in will. i feel like ive been in the relationship for myself just as much as for her
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Welcome to CAF!!!

Dating is the time of discernment for marriage. If in 3 years you’ve never giving yourself fully to her emotionally, it is time to end it. How can someone not get to know your friends after 3 years? If she is dependent on you for her happiness, that isn’t good either. There are so many red flags in your OP.

You have grown into a compassionate young man who doesn’t want to hurt her. In the long run, prolonging the inevitable will hurt her even more. Pray, pray and pray again for her and for wisdom in handling this situation. This is the time for you to decide what is best for you. It isn’t selfish or cruel to break up with someone you do not see or feel is the person for you.

God bless! I’m praying for both of you.
 
waitingforHim said:
Hey guys

so i finally signed up after browsing the forums looking for an answer
i am currently in the third year of relationship with a girl who ive recently started doubting whether or not i want to marry
the problem is, my judgment is being clouded by the fact that i have recently developed an attraction for someone else who i feel i have really good chemistry with. both are practising catholics.

my girlfriend and i have always had our problems; i feel like **we rushed into our relo at a very young age (teenagers) and everything felt rushed. admittedly, we overlooked our issues of compatability because we both wanted the relationship to work. i feel that she is too dependant on me for happiness, and she reminds me often that without me she would be so miserable. **
i feel like i don’t have the desire to turn off my attraction for the other girl, but im still not sure if im making a mistake. i want my girlfriend to be happy, but im scared that i dont truly love her if i am falling for someone else.

i feel like the other person and i are more compatible, and we have alot of fun spending time together and i really find it hard to ignore it all

also, i dont like my girlfriends family because i feel like we have nothing in common and they are non practicing, whereas i am very close to the other girl’s family. the other girl is also very close to my friends, whereas my girlfriend is less social and hasnt really gotten to know my friends

any insight would be great; maybe there are people who have experienced the same thing

i dont want anything more than to do the right thing, and follow God’s will, but am i wrong in having feelings for someone else?

edit: i will say this; i feel like up to this point i’ve never given myself fully to her emotionally or in will. i feel like ive been in the relationship for myself just as much as for her

edit: we are both 20
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Yeah…that’s not going to get any better! Run away now, but of course do it nicely. 😉
 
Don’t run away. DO take a break. Do so kindly, explaining that before you enter into a permanent relationship you want to be sure that you’re making the right decision. That you want to be completely willing, and not taking the next step because you feel that your history has boxed you in.

There’s an old quote: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it’s yours. If it doesn’t it never was.
 
It’s time to end this relationship in a mature, adult manner. You do not feel that your present girlfriend is THE ONE for you and the best thing for everyone is end it now and let her find someone else. Be as kind as possible, but very firm. Ending all contact, at least for a little while, will give her time to heal and move on.
 
waitingforHim said:
i am currently in the third year of relationship with a girl who ive recently started doubting whether or not i want to marry
the problem is, my judgment is being clouded by the fact that i have recently developed an attraction for someone else who i feel i have really good chemistry with. both are practising catholics.
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Full stop. I can answer your question without having to quote the rest.

First and foremost, let’s talk about fidelity. Being disloyal in a relationship is more than just a sexual thing. There is also such a thing as emotional cheating (in the context of a marriage, this is called an emotional affair). That’s what you’re doing with this other girl. If you’re letting her “impede your judgement on your relationship” then you’ve ignored the warning signs that you were allowing yourself to be tempted away from your significant other. Here’s a fact: there will ALWAYS be new and interesting people around you… but when you’re in a committed relationship your job is to be aware of where you might develop an infatuation (and that’s pobably all you have for this new girl at this point) and AVOID those situations.

Realize that infatuation is a dirty liar. It tells you someone is perfect when they’re definitely not. This new girl has her own flaws as well. Being that you have a rosy, very fictional view of this new girl at this point, it’s not really fair to put your girlfriend, whom you’ve known for years, up against a girl your infatuation has put on a pedistool.

So, that being said, you should NOT be evaluating your relationship on the basis of “you might want this other girl more.” The ONLY basis you should be judging your relationship on is whether or not you want to marry this girl. You do cite several valid reasons to be concerned about whether or not she’s marriage material, but as far as asking for help making that decision, unfortunately the only thing I can say is that it’s up to you what you feel you could accept as marriage material. Just think to yourself: if she never changed from the way she is today, could I live with that for the rest of my life? If the answer is no, then break up with her now because your relationship with her and its purpose has run its course.

But the infatuation thing… man, in a relationship you need to beware of near occasions of sin, including those wherein you allow yourself to be tempted into infatuation for another. This is ESPECIALLY important if you intend to make a good husband, because otherwise you will always be skirting a dangerous path.
 
Actaeon said:
So, that being said, you should NOT be evaluating your relationship on the basis of “you might want this other girl more.” The ONLY basis you should be judging your relationship on is whether or not you want to marry this girl.
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This is an important point not to be overlooked. It’s usually never a good relationship decision to leave one person for another.

If you want to end this relationship (and several of the points you raised make that an understandable course of action), then make that decision independently. If at some point you would like to pursue a relationship with this other girl (something it would be wise to give yourself time to reflect on as a single guy first), then make that decision independently as well.

As Actaeon pointed out, infatuation can blind. Don’t let that be the reason behind your break up. It seems you have no shortage of other reasons anyway.

And, again, there’s no harm in letting yourself be single for a bit. If you’ve been dating this girl from 17-20 (those formative years of transition into adulthood), I think it would be beneficial to stand on your own for a bit before getting into another relationship.
 
If you began this relationship as teenagers at best you’re now 22 years old. At best, 22 year olds can use their nieveness to persue something good and pure if all things work out. At worse, they are young, and as you said, rush into things.

She sounds like she has co-dependant features and this is a HUGE RED FLAG WAVING SAYING NO NO NO!

22 or 32 it’s been 3 years. It’s time to marry or separate. Either you will chose to take on the burdan of providing her happiness or you will leave her to find healing outside of yourself.
 
peacoat said:
If you began this relationship as teenagers at best you’re now 22 years old. At best, 22 year olds can use their nieveness to persue something good and pure if all things work out. At worse, they are young, and as you said, rush into things.

She sounds like she has co-dependant features and this is a HUGE RED FLAG WAVING SAYING NO NO NO!

22 or 32 it’s been 3 years. It’s time to marry or separate. Either you will chose to take on the burdan of providing her happiness or you will leave her to find healing outside of yourself.
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could you please explain this?
 
and she reminds me often that without me she would be so miserable.
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This is not normal or healthy. I love my mother, father, brothers, sister-in-law, boyfriend, friends VERY, VERY much. With my whole heart. I would be sad and miss them if I ever had to move to sibera or africa and never got to talk to them again, but on no account would I be miserable.
 
i’ve expressed to her in the past that i can’t fulfill her desire for happiness and that she needs to find other outlets, but i still feel that she is very dependant on me

i just dont want to make a decision when im clearly attracted to someone else
 
waitingforHim said:
i’ve expressed to her in the past that i can’t fulfill her desire for happiness and that she needs to find other outlets, but i still feel that she is very dependant on me

i just dont want to make a decision when im clearly attracted to someone else
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You need to address this once and for all. Regardless of being attracted to someone else, it’s not ok. You need to take a break for say…2 months…to give her the chance to find happiness elseware. If she cannot, then she is not ready to be a wife and a mother. If you are her only happiness what would happen if you were killed and she had a small child? Statistically that child would be either overtly abused becuase he or she is not you or abused emotinally and be taken emotinal hostage and never allowed to grow and develop normally.
 
maybe she doesn’t mean it, but before i came into her life she really wasn’t happy at all
is there a way i can help her find another source of happiness, perhaps through encouraging daily mass, before i decide if she’s not the one?
 
Maybe she suspects you are dating this other girl. From your posts, it sounds like you are. By your own accounts, you are having fun spending time together and you are very close to her family.

Be honest with your girlfriend. Either break up with her or stop seeing the other girl. Don’t worry about waiting until your girlfriend can find happiness some other way. That’s not your responsibility.
 
HouseArrest said:
Maybe she suspects you are dating this other girl. From your posts, it sounds like you are. By your own accounts, you are having fun spending time together and you are very close to her family.

Be honest with your girlfriend. Either break up with her or stop seeing the other girl. Don’t worry about waiting until your girlfriend can find happiness some other way. That’s not your responsibility.
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no i am not dating this other girl
we dont hang often, and when we do its always within our circle of friends
im close with the family because i know the brothers really well
 
If you’re waiting for the “perfect” moment to break up in which she will take it all in stride and immediately move on and be happy, you will be waiting for the rest of your life. It’s not going to get easier to do by waiting longer.
 
waitingforHim said:
maybe she doesn’t mean it, but before i came into her life she really wasn’t happy at all
is there a way i can help her find another source of happiness, perhaps through encouraging daily mass, before i decide if she’s not the one?
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  1. it dosn’t matter if “she dosn’t mean it” becuase when a person sais that, they usually do mean it
  2. you cannot make her happy or help her find her own source. Best way to do that is time away.
 
waitingforHim said:
Hey guys

so i finally signed up after browsing the forums looking for an answer
i am currently in the third year of relationship with a girl who ive recently started doubting whether or not i want to marry
the problem is, my judgment is being clouded by the fact that i have recently developed an attraction for someone else who i feel i have really good chemistry with. both are practising catholics.

my girlfriend and i have always had our problems; i feel like we rushed into our relo at a very young age (teenagers) and everything felt rushed. admittedly, we overlooked our issues of compatability because we both wanted the relationship to work. i feel that she is too dependant on me for happiness, and she reminds me often that without me she would be so miserable.

**i feel like i don’t have the desire to turn off my attraction for the other girl, but im still not sure if im making a mistake. i want my girlfriend to be happy, but im scared that i dont truly love her if i am falling for someone else.
**
i feel like the other person and i are more compatible, and we have alot of fun spending time together and i really find it hard to ignore it all

also, i dont like my girlfriends family because i feel like we have nothing in common and they are non practicing, whereas i am very close to the other girl’s family. the other girl is also very close to my friends, whereas my girlfriend is less social and hasnt really gotten to know my friends

any insight would be great; maybe there are people who have experienced the same thing

i dont want anything more than to do the right thing, and follow God’s will, but am i wrong in having feelings for someone else?

edit: **i will say this; i feel like up to this point i’ve never given myself fully to her emotionally or in will. i feel like ive been in the relationship for myself just as much as for her
**
edit: we are both 20
Click to expand...
If you can’t see yourself marrying her, that’s certainly a red flag. It’s not fair to your gf if you stay in a relationship with her all the while having these strong feelings for the woman.

Does your girlfriend sense at all that you are doubting if you love her? Have you talked to her about it?

You say you haven’t ever been able to give yourself fully to your gf “emotionally or in will”. That’s another red flag. Think about why that is. What are the reasons that prevent you from giving yourself to her?

You need to make a decision about which girl you want to pursue a relationship with, but don’t make any rash decisions. Think it over carefully. I’m not going to tell you what you should do, because I don’t know the situation and I don’t know how you truly feel or how she feels.

Talk to your girlfriend. It seems that you two need some more communication going on.

God Bless!
 
It’s great that you are aware of some of this before marriage.

I recommend you have a very open, gentle and frank conversation with her about your misgivings.

In my own circumstance, fear kept me from saying things early in my marriage that would’ve made my current situation much better. Don’t make that mistake. Say what’s on your mind.

And pray.

I find prayer works in two ways. It opens my heart to listen for God’s direction in my life. But it also opens my mind to listen to my own heart.

Self-knowledge is a very powerful aspect of effective prayer, I think. Praying under delusions can produce very confusing results…

Just two pennies…
 
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