A Millennial talks about divorce—his parents' divorce

[JimG]

“But what is certain is that my generation has seen more of divorce than any other. The family — the God-made bedrock of our lives, our education, our moral formation, and for many of us our faith — has been shattered.

It’s a terrifying thing to see your parents spend decades in a relationship, only to see it all go down the drain. You have to ask, “If this happens so much to good people, after decades of marriage, what hope do I have for a successful marriage?”

The question many Millennials invariably ask is “For what?” Many of our parents have been horrible teachers of marriage and family life, for invariably even a good family life that ends in divorce cannot avoid a peculiar sense of vanity. Precious things that seem wasted always will.

You cannot look askance at the generation so ill-taught and judge them for undervaluing what you taught them to esteem cheap.”

From an article by Joshua Charles here.

 

[MaryT777]

The article makes some valid and interesting points. Thanks for the link.

 

[DignumEtJustum]

Parents can be such thoughtless and selfish people. It amazes me how few parents seem to be truly cognitive of what they’re doing when it comes to the raising of their children.

 

[john1513]

The family… has been shattered.

It’s a terrifying thing to see your parents spend decades in a relationship, only to see it all go down the drain. You have to ask, “If this happens so much to good people, after decades of marriage, what hope do I have for a successful marriage?”

The question many Millennials invariably ask is “For what?” Many of our parents have been horrible teachers of marriage and family life…

You cannot look askance at the generation so ill-taught and judge them for undervaluing what you taught them to esteem cheap.”

This begs a question I’ve asked on another thread: are a large quantity of American marriages annullable due to the severe lack of understanding of marriage? I’ve seen couples do all the right things, do all the right parish activities, lead ministries, look like outstanding Catholics on the outside, and seemingly fully understood their vows, but still got divorced. How many more practicing Catholics harbor deeply held and misunderstood views of the permanence of marriage that we are ignoring? Anyone can sign some papers and say some vows if it’s what we tell them they have to do. Understanding the vows is a very different matter.

We talk a lot about communication, finances, prayer, fighting, parenting, in-laws, etc. but as a Church we seem to rarely approach the permanence of marriage vows. We give it lip service, which means very little to young people who see generations of divorced Catholics with no explanation other than “we fell out of love”.

 

[Xantippe]

This begs a question I’ve asked on another thread: are a large quantity of American marriages annullable due to the severe lack of understanding of marriage? I’ve seen couples do all the right things, do all the right parish activities, lead ministries, look like outstanding Catholics on the outside, and seemingly fully understood their vows, but still got divorced. How many more practicing Catholics harbor deeply held and misunderstood views of the permanence of marriage that we are ignoring? Anyone can sign some papers and say some vows if it’s what we tell them they have to do. Understanding the vows is a very different matter.

We talk a lot about communication, finances, prayer, fighting, parenting, in-laws, etc. but as a Church we seem to rarely approach the permanence of marriage vows. We give it lip service, which means very little to young people who see generations of divorced Catholics with no explanation other than “we fell out of love”.

In real life, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that as an explanation. (I believe that one went out of fashion in the 1980s, although no doubt somebody still says it.)

There tends to be pretty spectacular misbehavior before a divorce–infidelity and abandonment, looting the family finances, other financial misconduct, mental illness, etc.

So, there is some point to: “communication, finances, prayer, fighting, parenting, in-laws” and if anything, people don’t get enough training in those areas.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m personally not impressed by a couple that spends all their time at church–if anything that could be cutting into their time as a couple or as a family.

There’s more to having a good marriage than going to church a lot.

So, no, it doesn’t amaze me if a couple that was always doing ministry stuff splits.

 

[DarkLight]

I do have to wonder. I admit I have times where I’m thinking “would you guys just shut up and separate already rather than just bickering on over the same old stuff?” And at my age I’m much more resilient against that sort of thing - and custody is thankfully not an issue. I can’t imagine if they’d been like this when I was a child. I’m not sure a divorced home would have been worse.

 

[gardenswithkids]

From an article by Joshua Charles here.

That was a very good article. Widespread divorce has led many in our society to a flawed understanding of marriage–or perhaps it was a flawed understanding of marriage than led to widespread divorce.

Whichever it was that came first, widespread divorce has not been good for our society. I feel sorry for the members of the Millennial generation whose parents wouldn’t or won’t stay together. Divorce has undermined people’s understanding of basics words like: marriage, husband, wife, mother, father, male, female.

 

[JimG]

The author writes:

" Another good friend’s parents are divorcing. The vast majority of my Millennial peers have already told me the same news about their parents.
. . .
“I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve had whose parents have divorced after 25, 30, 35 years of marriage (sometimes fewer). The breakups are always heartbreaking, and often very nasty.

No generation has seen divorce among its parents as much as the Millennial generation. I would not at all be surprised that it has necessarily played a role in many Millennials’ decisions to get married later, not at all, or to go on “test runs” with significant others through cohabitation.”

This struck me as maybe a key factor in Millennial’s experience of growing up to adulthood. Coming from an older generation, literally none of my friends parent’s went through divorce.

 

[Xantippe]

The author writes:

" Another good friend’s parents are divorcing. The vast majority of my Millennial peers have already told me the same news about their parents.
. . .
“I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve had whose parents have divorced after 25, 30, 35 years of marriage (sometimes fewer). The breakups are always heartbreaking, and often very nasty.
**
No generation has seen divorce among its parents as much as the Millennial generation. **I would not at all be surprised that it has necessarily played a role in many Millennials’ decisions to get married later, not at all, or to go on “test runs” with significant others through cohabitation.”

This struck me as maybe a key factor in Millennial’s experience of growing up to adulthood. Coming from an older generation, literally none of my friends parent’s went through divorce.

That’s not even true.

US divorce is at a 40 year low.

“The U.S. divorce rate dropped for the third year in a row, reaching its lowest point in nearly 40 years, according to data released Thursday.”

What is true is that there is a lot of out-of-wedlock childbearing and parenting in today’s US.

time.com/4575495/divorce-rate-nearly-40-year-low/

 

[Anglewannabe]

‘You cannot look askance at the generation so ill-taught and judge them for undervaluing what you taught them to esteem cheap.’

I totally agree with this quote from the article. But… I think it applies to all aspects of life, not just marriage.

How many millenials take on credit card debt because that is what their parents did? I could give a lot of other examples

Angie

 

[ToeInTheWater]

That’s not even true.

US divorce is at a 40 year low.

“The U.S. divorce rate dropped for the third year in a row, reaching its lowest point in nearly 40 years, according to data released Thursday.”

What is true is that there is a lot of out-of-wedlock childbearing and parenting in today’s US.

time.com/4575495/divorce-rate-nearly-40-year-low/

Very interesting. Here are the actual stats:

On the divorce side, the 2015 rate was 16.9 divorces per 1,000 married women age 15 or older, which is down from 17.6 in 2014 and a peak of almost 23 per 1,000 divorces in 1980

Now, I’ve also read many times the claim “Well that’s why the divorce rate is low, fewer people are getting married in the first place”.

However, what’s also very interesting about that article, is that not only is the divorce rate dropping, is that marriage rates are actually going up.

Marriage rates, on the other hand, increased last year. In 2015, there were 32.2 marriages for every 1,000 unmarried women age 15 or older, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University. This represents a jump from 31.9 in 2014 and is the highest number of marriages since 2009, which suggests that marriage rates may be stabilizing after decades of decline.

Though I’m sure some will claim “Ah, I bet most of the increase is due to women marrying other women after “SSM” became legal, that doesn’t count”. I recall that was the cynical response of many on CAF to an earlier post proclaiming similar statistics on marriage rates rising, that this must be mostly due to same sex marriage becoming legal.

On the other hand, general statistics aside, for people like the article’s author, who for whatever reason (and obviously there is more to it than just “being a Millenial”), happen to be in a social circle where “the vast majority of parents are divorcing”, certainly it would be easy to assume that this must hold true for everyone in his generation and not consider there may be issues of education, class, etc. (As you have mentioned in prior topics, college educated middle-class parents are much less likely to divorce than other demographics.)

However, I have also seen people who are so eager NOT to repeat their parents’ mistakes, that they actually stick it out in marriages, sometimes even longer than they should. I can think of one woman whose father abandoned her family, who did marry somewhat later in life (age 28) compared to other generations, though average now. She has stuck with her husband through thick and thin despite constant abuse (that supposedly only used to be physical and is now “only” verbal) and many people telling her to get out and musing “why is a good woman like you, with a man like him?”

 

[john1513]

That’s not even true.
US divorce is at a 40 year low.

“The U.S. divorce rate dropped for the third year in a row, reaching its lowest point in nearly 40 years, according to data released Thursday.”

time.com/4575495/divorce-rate-nearly-40-year-low/

Now, I’ve also read many times the claim “Well that’s why the divorce rate is low, fewer people are getting married in the first place”.

However, what’s also very interesting about that article, is that not only is the divorce rate dropping, is that marriage rates are actually going up.

Let’s take this in context:

marriage rates may be stabilizing after decades of decline.

time.com/4575495/divorce-rate-nearly-40-year-low/

No one has been getting married for a long time. Divorce rates were bound to improve. We may have just hit rock bottom which is hardly anything to be proud of.

 

[Xantippe]

Very interesting. Here are the actual stats:

Now, I’ve also read many times the claim “Well that’s why the divorce rate is low, fewer people are getting married in the first place”.

However, what’s also very interesting about that article, is that not only is the divorce rate dropping, is that marriage rates are actually going up.

Though I’m sure some will claim “Ah, I bet most of the increase is due to women marrying other women after “SSM” became legal, that doesn’t count”. I recall that was the cynical response of many on CAF to an earlier post proclaiming similar statistics on marriage rates rising, that this must be mostly due to same sex marriage becoming legal.

On the other hand, general statistics aside, for people like the article’s author, who for whatever reason (and obviously there is more to it than just “being a Millenial”), happen to be in a social circle where **“the vast majority of parents are divorcing”, **certainly it would be easy to assume that this must hold true for everyone in his generation and not consider there may be issues of education, class, etc. (As you have mentioned in prior topics, college educated middle-class parents are much less likely to divorce than other demographics.)

However, I have also seen people who are so eager NOT to repeat their parents’ mistakes, that they actually stick it out in marriages, sometimes even longer than they should. I can think of one woman whose father abandoned her family, who did marry somewhat later in life (age 28) compared to other generations, though average now. She has stuck with her husband through thick and thin despite constant abuse (that supposedly only used to be physical and is now “only” verbal) and many people telling her to get out and musing “why is a good woman like you, with a man like him?”

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the person who says that is mistaken about their social circle, but for a majority of parents to be divorcing is very, very unusual in 2017 US.

 

[Xantippe]

Let’s take this in context:

No one has been getting married for a long time. Divorce rates were bound to improve. We may have just hit rock bottom which is hardly anything to be proud of.

“No one has been getting married for a long time”?

That’s also a pretty weird statement.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

“No one has been getting married for a long time”?

That’s also a pretty weird statement.

The whole thing also misses the point of measuring rate. The raw number of divorces may will be impacted by the number of marriages, but rates are standardized.

 

[john1513]

“No one has been getting married for a long time”?

That’s also a pretty weird statement.

If you have fewer marriages, you have fewer divorces. As they said marriage rates have been declining, divorce rates have been declining. The only people getting married are probably very serious about it. The rest offen end up with children out of wedlock.

 

[Xantippe]

If you have fewer marriages, you have fewer divorces. As they said marriage rates have been declining, divorce rates have been declining. The only people getting married are probably very serious about it. The rest offen end up with children out of wedlock.

OK–that makes a lot more sense than “no one is getting married.”

Also, don’t forget the socioeconomic element–people having children out of wedlock are generally poor, while middle class/college educated people tend to be scrupulous about having children while married, no matter how liberal or secular they are.

 

[john1513]

Also, don’t forget the socioeconomic element–people having children out of wedlock are generally poor, while middle class/college educated people tend to be scrupulous about having children while married, no matter how liberal or secular they are.

Many would argue that your marital commitment will influence your socioeconomic status: poor people don’t have children out of wedlock, but having children out of wedlock can make you poor; rich people don’t get married and stay married (see the multiple spouses of CEOs and celebrities), but getting married and staying married can make you wealthier (you have more to work for).

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

If you have fewer marriages, you have fewer divorces. As they said marriage rates have been declining, divorce rates have been declining. The only people getting married are probably very serious about it. The rest offen end up with children out of wedlock.

This has been my take for a long time now, every time someone trots out the fewer divorces number, I have to come back and say there are also fewer marriages and higher rates of out of wedlock births.

I don’t think there is anyone left but hermits and the Amish who didn’t either go thru their own divorce or experience it as a parent, child, sibling, other relative or friend of a divorced person. There’s a reason I always pray for the children whenever I hear about a couple in trouble or already in process, for they are always the ones most affected by the decisions their parents take. The UMC have it better in general as do Catholics, but even their rates are nothing to crow about and it is always in the back of my head when I meet someone and think I might want to take her seriously. Because in today’s culture, there is no moral force holding people together except that which is between their ears.