A (not so) simple night with a coworker

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JustinK

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So I went through a break-up about 8 months ago now and have been trying to move on with my life. I moved into a new apartment with a friend of mine and am trying to work on being happy for the sake of being happy. I tend to overthink everything that I do and am very black and white with things. My family and friends keep telling me that I have to find some grey in my life.

This girl started working at my job a few months ago and we’ve been talking at work. She’s the type of person who gets along with everyone. It seems so easy to talk with her and that’s one of the things that I enjoy about her. The attraction has kind of grown into a kind of silly fantasy of hanging out with her and just enjoying our time together. My other coworkers know this and they have mixed opinions. Most tell me that I should go for it, but there are some who think I might be trying to fill a void left by my old relationship. They want to see me happy, though.

A few issues with this is that she’s kind of anti-religion. Well, she doesn’t like people pushing it on her. I can understand this because I have had some struggles with this myself. But with my last relationship, I tried to be there for her at all times. I tried to show her a kind of love that comes from religion. I tried to share my views and beliefs and she’d just tell me that was my opinion and she had her own. I’m told that I did too much for her and that it was one-sided. But back then, I thought love was putting up with anything and everything. I found that’s not always true.

She’s also younger than me. This was an issue at first, but people have told me that compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean dating someone around your age.

Also the fact that she works at my job and it doesn’t allow relationships for the simple reason of drama at work, which I understand.

My parents, family, and friends want to see me happy instead of wallowing as I have been. And she makes me happy. The problem is I’m not sure if it’s okay to be happy with it. But part of me really wants to try not over-thinking things for once in my life and go with what my heart feels. But I also am aware that this can lead to complacency.

She likes singing and she’s really good at it. I enjoy singing as well, but I haven’t sung at work. She wants me to sing for her and it’s become kind of a thing to the point where I told her that I sang for a coworker last week and she cried. I thought she was kidding when she told me she was going to cry but when she did, I felt bad and at the same time, it felt nice to have someone care to that extent because that hasn’t happened in awhile.

She also likes my poetry and it also feels good to have someone appreciate that as well. She keeps the poems that I write for her and jokes about them.

She asked if I’d ever gone out on a date and that led to a kind of playful discussion of our favorite restaurants. I mentioned a specific one and she got excited asking if anybody wanted to go with her. In the back of my head, I wanted to tell her that I was off the next day but I bit my tongue.
 
Last night, we had a good discussion about relationships and it was nice to talk with another person who seems to be a lot like me in regards to them. I liked last night especially because we were left alone together, so it led to better communication.

She got a new car and offered to give me a ride in it. My mind has been overthinking it since last night. It’s just a ride. It should be simple. But knowing me, I’ll look at every possible angle. I’ll worry until I’m sick. I’ll be so nervous that I’ll just shut down. I also have trouble recognizing social cues. I might not know when she’s flirting with me or just being friendly. I won’t know if I should do this or that.

This is where I really, really want to follow my heart on this one. For one night.

My mind keeps stressing me out but I know how I get. I have to remember to recognize opportunities and open doors. This, to me, feels like an opportunity. One I really don’t want to miss out on. But my mind tells me it’s too soon to break my heart again. But she makes me happy and it could lead to something better.

Still, my sister tells me to just try to be her friend for a bit. My friend tells me that while she doesn’t really believe now, she might come around later on since she grew up with it. My problem is trying to make people understand my point of view with religion so then we can continue to be together and they can know a different view of the world different from society. My other friend tells me to see where it leads. My mom recognizes that I’m happy so she tells me to start slow, like asking her to a movie or something.
 
And she herself gave me the advice that I shouldn’t need someone to make me happy. That I should be happy being myself first. But she also suggests that I try dating and I’d know in a few months if I like the person or not. She also suggests doing something out of the norm of how I usually am, since I’ve been in a rut and unhappy with myself for awhile. I can’t help but to think how doing something as simple as going on a car ride is entirely out of my comfort zone and may prove to be the ‘grey’ that I need.

It’s exciting. I hear stories of people like getting ready for dates. Dressing up, the anticipation of spending time with someone that you like. The nervousness. I haven’t had that in a few years now and it feels good to experience it again.

Still, I have to be mindful and recognize that I could very well be building myself up only to crash down.

I think I’m going to say a prayer to relax and just to try to be a friend to her first. To recognize doors if they open and not be afraid to walk through them. To ignore my incessant over-thinking and try to follow my heart for once to enjoy time together with a friend. To realize that getting excited about singing to her knowing how long she’s waited for it is not a bad thing to feel anticipation for. I’ll try to keep some mindfulness in that I won’t take things too far at all because I don’t know her like that and don’t even want that kind of relationship. I’d prefer companionship and loyalty more than a sexual anything. But I admit, I have flirted with the idea of the generic ‘kiss good-night’ thing. Maybe we can talk about going to the restaurant. She mentioned that we should go there now that she has a car. And I’m over-thinking it again.
 
My black and white mindset extends to emotions sometimes. Like when I get happy, I get really happy. Like now, the idea of just being alone with her and talking makes me really happy. I’m still working on the whole ‘it’s okay to be happy’ mindset. I’m trying to not question it as much as I used to because I found that I freeze up and nothing ends up happening when I truly look into something.

Tonight though, I don’t want to look at all the angles. I don’t want to over-analyze everything that I say and do because then I won’t say or do anything which will lead to missed opportunities. I just want to feel like it’s alright to be happy. That it’s alright to follow my heart. For one night. (But that’s how complacency begins and you go down a dark path.) There’s my over-thinking again.

I don’t know how this night will go and just that. Just the unknown. For once it’s exciting and not scary. And that feels so good.

I’m not looking for permission to have a good night out, though it feels like it. I’m asking for prayers to help me be strong in my convictions, the ability to recognize social cues, to try to silence my overthinking, to cling to what is right rather than what might feel good. Still, to be ‘normal’ and not an introverted analyst. That seems pretty great.
 
I know in the back of my head there is a possibility of being crushed int the end based on if I decide that I can’t be with her as this seems to happen a lot. But, that’s why I’m trying to change my approach up with her. I’m trying to not be so pessimistic and negative about things as I often am because of how much I turn over situations, ideas, and beliefs in my head. I know I get infatuated easily and so part of me tells me to just try to be a friend to her. To tell her what I believe up front so that it doesn’t continue for 5 years and crash and burn like my last relationship did. Enough negativity, though.

It feels like I’m Cinderella. One night that’s super exciting. It’s silly, I know. But this must be what people feel when they get excited I guess? I don’t get excited for much because it never feels okay to, so for me it’s crazy exciting.

Sorry for the long post. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read this. I know it’s silly but for the first time in awhile, I’m excited for something and that makes me happy. But just the fact that it makes me happy makes me question it because I haven’t let myself just be forever. I humbly ask for prayers about this. I’m going to try to ‘Let go and Let God’ tonight. To not trap myself in my head. Even if it ends bad, it’ll be a lesson. One big thing that I’ve learned in the past year is that nothing changes until you change it and while I’m not a fan of change, I feel in my heart that this is chance I need to take to change for the better.

Thank you again for reading. God bless.
 
Hi Justin!

I want to ask you a simple question:

Why are you so hard on yourself? Think, think, think and around the block we go! Why do I say this? Because I’ve done this, too! And it’s no life. No fun!

You sound like a really nice guy, and I’m sad you beat yourself up so much. I’ve read your earlier posts and you sound like you’re stuck.

I’m not trying to insult or ridicule you. Far from it! Give yourself some breathing space and let yourself enjoy life! Go out with this young lady if that’s what you want to do and enjoy! Remember, God wants you to live, not club yourself to death!

Go to it, lad!!!

Stuart
 
All I got from those five long posts is that this lady is practically doing cartwheels to signal that she would like to get to know you better. Just go out with her already and have some fun.

The only thing that gave me pause was you saying relationships aren’t allowed at work, but then in the next breath you indicate your colleagues all know about this situation, so it’s not sounding like you are in danger of getting fired or getting the girl fired.

Relax and enjoy life.
 
I agree with all the posters, brother. Get to know this girl, relax and if in doubt; pray.
 
Why are you getting all wrapped around the axles about someone who does not share your faith?

She lives with a very different worldview than Catholics.

Just look in this very forum for examples of how well marriage works out when you believe in opposite truths.

Also, you work together. The company does not allow it. You will put your job at risk.

If you break up, you still have to work together and won’t that be fun?
 
I would advise you to stay far away (from a relationship at least, since you work with her). This situation sounds like nothing but trouble. You have done well to resist so far.
 
Id have to agree here,and as you are quite sensitive and vulnerable you really need someone who is at the same stage as yourself with your faith.Most important.Take care,the right girl will come along and there will be much less to worry about.
 
TheLittleLady said:
If you break up, you still have to work together and won’t that be fun?
Click to expand...
This is true, but I met my husband at work. (He was not and is not Catholic.) There were also a vast majority of other people at our company who had married people they met at work, including our boss. It was a heavily male environment and therefore any single female who went to work there was likely to meet a man to marry. It was also a large enough company that if you could not work with somebody else because you either broke up or got married to them, you could get a transfer to a different group without much hassle.
 
OP stated that his company has a no dating policy.

That is enough to keep a good employee from dating a co worker.

Your marriage is an exception in the world of mixed marriages, congratulations!!
 
It’s very hard, if not impossible, to enforce “no dating policies” in USA. The most they can usually do is make sure a supervisor is not dating or in a relationship with a person he or she supervises. When you spend 8 hours a day most days at work, the odds of being attracted to a person who’s around all the time get pretty high.
 
Stuart,

I’ve always been hard on myself. It’s definitely not fun and it becomes not about living, just existing.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight and he said the same thing, that I’m stuck.

I tend to focus so much on subtext, pretext, context… to the point where I don’t do anything because of it.

I was driving there and saw a Church. I prayed a simple prayer to let God do what he will. That night was so fun. I took a chance. She asked if I wanted to go for a ride and I said sure. We ended up just driving around and enjoying the night. We ended up singing. She has a lovely voice so when she sang a song and the music was too loud for me to hear her, I turned it down so she would have to actually sing. She then sang a song with the explanation that she only sings that song for a few people which made me feel special. Then we pulled back in the lot and she told me she had to go, but she said that we’d have to do it again sometime.

I was proud of myself because for the first time in awhile, I took a chance. And it ended up to be an enjoyable experience. For that moment, I didn’t think. I just enjoyed me time. That was really nice.

What made it even better was after getting home, I saw a Bible quote on my phone and it said, ’ Live wisely among those who are not believers and make the most of every opportunity.’ This lifted my spirits as it pertained to that exact situation that I just experienced.

I’m going bowling with her and other coworkers on Friday and I guess I’ll try to have the same mindset towards things. Right now, I figure being a friend is best because if nothing, I’ll still have a friend.

Thanks for you reply.
 
Bear,

She seems to be the type of person that is friendly with a lot of people. It’s tough because when we’re talking one-on-one, I feel special. But again, I know she’s friendly and outgoing with other people, too. Though it is fun just talking and joking around with her.

After the ride, I went back into work and started crying. We talked about it and they were joking that practically everyone knows that I like her except my boss. The whole ‘firing’ thing came up and one of my coworkers told me in that case, the manager makes the other person choose who to get fired. Me, I’ve been there three years and I know I can find another job if it comes down to it.

For now, I’m trying to remain friendly. My coworkers suggest maybe going on more rides with her or seeing how she is outside of work. I know how attached I get to possible romantic prospects, so I’m trying to feel the situation out. But I also don’t want to miss out on anything. In the end, being a friend for now seems the best bet.

I do need to relax a bit.

Thanks for the reply.
 
Michael,

Getting to know her seems to be best for now. An issue is I have to be comfortable with who I am. I tend to try to please someone I like to make them stay. But I realize this is not a good mindset. So for now, I’m just going to enjoy our time together.

May I ask for a suggestion on what to pray about in regards to doubt?

Thanks for your reply.
 
Lady,

I get wrapped around the axles about everything.

I think for me, it’s finding someone who I enjoy time with. Though I recognize disparities with very possible conflicts regarding religion. This is what happened in my last relationship, too. So I am trying to approach it in a cautious manner. I’ve realized you can’t change someone or what they believe. And part of me knows that I am going to try to get her to see my point of view with religion. So I’ve decided to try to just remain friends with her for the time being until I feel like I can discuss it in such a way that is calm and reasonable, which I know might not come. Which is why for now, I’m just enjoying the time we have together as friends.

I’ve thought of this. Tonight, in fact, I started to think of finding other jobs for that possibility.

Thanks for the reply.
 
T,

I’ve contemplated this. A relationship would surely bring drama in the workplace. I’ve worked on distancing myself from her because of this reason among others. I’m trying to remain a friend since in my mind, it’d be better to be friends than nothing at all with her. Still, sometimes it’s nice to think about what could be.

Thanks for your reply.
 
Green,

I am sensitive for sure. It’s one of my biggest weaknesses that I think as a strength sometimes, as well.

As far as the same stage, I’m trying to figure that out now and I realize that I have to figure myself out before I try to find someone to be with me for who I am in relation to that.

I didn’t expect this to happen, it just did. Finding someone was the last thing I was worrying about. I have just gotten out of a long relationship and working on finding out who I am. But she came along and I took an interest.

I think the best course of action would be to be a friend. But then it sometimes seems like I’m racing against finding out who I am and missing out on something if that makes sense.

Thanks for the reply.
 
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