A (not so) simple night with a coworker

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JustinK said:
Apparently she asked my coworker if I liked her, to which my coworker responded with an ‘I can’t confirm or deny’ type of response.
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Okay, I was assuming you were both adults. This is “I will pass her a note in gym class” sort of stuff 🤨
JustinK said:
But I had a talk with another friend and he told me that I should write a letter. Not to send to her, just get my emotions and thoughts out. I cried and ended up punching a wall with confusion as to why I still felt that way towards her. Sometimes I feel like the point of moving on is pointless if you still see them everywhere. Like I’m just trying to replace her with something ‘better’. When I could talk to her and actually try to convey my thoughts. But I have to recognize that maybe we didn’t work out for a reason. (My selfishness in wanting to stay with the safety of what I know) is what my mind tries to tell me. But other people tell me that she knew what she was doing and did me wron
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Dude, you are no where emotionally to be in a relationship with a woman. For the sake of all women out there, asking you not to drag a woman into the emotional chaos that you have inside. Focus on becoming a good provider, a strong man, a man of faith and fidelity. Put away the childish games.
 
Oh, nice.

Yeah, I have grown up with Catholic teaching my whole life all the way through high school.

I can’t imagine the turmoil that caused.

I can see how that would be a challenge with raising children. But I guess it worked out in the end!

You seem to have been extremely lucky. I know my mom would absolutely love it if my dad joined RCIA and this has been a discussion many times. Me, I’m still trying to figure things out honestly.

No worries at all. I feel really young. I don’t have many experiences in a lot of this world at all. So, while I’m older, I still feel like I have a lot of growing to do with a variety of things in my life.

Yeah, I heard this from a counselor at my college. She advised against trying to date someone not of my same beliefs and I remember really liking her. It was hard, but I understand why since it creates a clash in that the other person simply can’t understand fully just for the fact that they don’t know the other person’s view on things. I think it’s something you have to grow and learn. But still, I can’t help feeling that there’s a reason we get attached to the people that we do.

Thank you for your reply.
 
Techie,

Yeah, I overthink a ton. This is exactly what my mom, brother, or sister would tell me to do.

I’ve had discussions of first dates and such. How I don’t understand all the weird and silly ‘deal breakers’ people have on first dates. But I suppose it’s definitely a thing in dating.

You’re right. I have to relax with it.

Thanks for your reply.
 
Mary,

I think it best to remain friends. I know she’s been wondering about me, but I also know the type of person she is. At least at work. She’s rather friendly with a lot of people and I have trouble acknowledging when she’s kidding and when she’s serious. It’s one of my many things to work on.

I agree that emotions tend to go overboard at times. I’m trying to just be friendly with her until something (if anything) more develops). Again, I’m not really looking at the moment I don’t think. I have a lot to figure out on my own before involving somebody else. Like you say, sometimes you can’t control what you feel but you can control your action. I realize that it’s a delicate situation for me and am deciding not to act any more than a friend would at the moment. I think that’d it be a much better option to be friends than try for something more as of now.

Thank you for your reply.
 
Hill,

I agree that it’s a red flag for sure. I’m not trying to cause any harm with it. From what I’m told, the manager makes you choose who leaves. I doubt it’d come to that but would understand if it got too far. I don’t want her to lose a job over me. This is why I’m trying to be a friend first and foremost. Granted, it is tough when you develop a liking for someone.

Thank you for your reply.
 
Lady,

Yeah, she is younger than me. I’d rather have her come to me with an issue or comment directly, but it is what it is.

I also agree with this statement. I know I’m emotionally immature. Which is why I see this as a period of trying to figure out who I am as a person. I’ve had this thought too. The whole ‘not wanting to drag someone down.’ This is exactly why I need to figure out who I am and what I stand for. So I don’t drag anyone down and I know what I want and need in a relationship.

I’m a little late to be starting relationships, but I feel like the only way to figure out the ins and outs of them is to try to get back out there at some point. At the same time. I realize I cannot do that until I know the type of man I am and what I believe. This is why I’m making the effort to not get too involved just yet. It is hard, though.

Thank you for your sobering words. I appreciate it.
 
Remember, “getting back out there” is playing with live ammo. If you are not secure and mature, you will give off signals of desperation and may attract women who are emotionally immature as well. This can result in broken hearts.

Keep working on you, on growing and maturing and trying new things - maybe take a baking class at the community college or an art class at a studio.
 
Yeah. I was thinking of something after Church today.

How we’re supposed to love our neighbor as our self. And how you can’t do that if you don’t love yourself first. Also, I think my last relationship was the way it was because I tried to love her more than I loved myself. I found out that while you should compromise, it shouldn’t reach the point where you compromise who you are.

I know this is a thing. I saw my sister go through this cycle of dating. She’d always seem to attract the same type of person every time. My mom used to tell her that she had to spend some time working on herself before having another relationship.

Today, I learned of a new song and started practicing it on my ukulele. I tried out my rice cooker and actually didn’t burn my apartment down like we had joked about. Found some gloves so I don’t need to get new ones just yet. I didn’t get to some of the other things that I had planned to, but it was a good day.

I hope to get some cleaning and rearranging done tomorrow. I might try to finally nail that song, even. That community college is actually an idea that I had after seeing a course catalog at a hospital a bit ago. They have some very interesting classes and they’re not too expensive. The only conflict would be work, but I could possibly try to work around it. Some of the classes only meet once or twice a week for a few sessions.

I agree. Just something to keep my mind occupied and busy. In time, hopefully I’ll get to where I need to be.

In fact, she apparently got my number tonight and texted me about a shift change this weekend. The old me would have wanted to text her back right away, but I know a little better now. I know how fast and hard I can fall and am not trying to do that or bring someone else down with me. I’m going to focus on myself a bit before I focus on jumping into something else. I recognize the danger in that. Part of me thinks the bullet might miss. But the bigger part of me doesn’t want to get shot.

Thank you for your encouraging words.
 
Are you romantically in love or do you just want a female friend? It sounds like you think it’s the former but it just might be the latter. Not every male female relationship has to be finding a suitable spouse.

Maybe just befriend her for a bit. Be careful, because you seem attracted to her, if she’s not religious we don’t know how morally loose she is. Don’t do anything sinful or that might cause you too much temptation.

Then, upon getting to know her, show her Christ through your discipleship of Him. You Are His representative on Earth.
Slowly introduce her to the Truth, if you can, like bring up some sort of deep topic that obviously would bring one to God.

Slowly is fine, if that is what God wants.
Also pray for her conversion a lot.
 
Kei’s got a good point, Justin. If I were in your shoes ( and I overthink a lot too ) I’d just be friends with her and be bold about the friendship. Heck, try discerning whether or not she is the type of woman that would build you up as a human being. As my priest said today, and I’m paraphrasing; awaken what’s good in the other person. See if she awakens what is good in you.
 
Kei,

I don’t think I’m ready to be romantically in love again. However for some reason, my mind attaches to certain people in my life as possible romantic pursuits. I don’t know why. It probably has something to do with certain things that happened in my life as a kid. I can remember some things that might have contributed to this. I agree, though. Guys can have female friends and vise versa. I see it all the time. I have a few friends that are female.

That’s what I was thinking. Maybe being a friend would be the smarter choice. She grew up with religion, but the comments and jokes she makes imply that she wants to try to find her own path. I mean, I can understand that. But like a friend told me, maybe just give it time. That the seed has been planted with her upbringing.

However, I also know that we shouldn’t assume anything. I had a big problem with this with my last relationship. My dad also falls into this rather easily. To me, it makes a bit of sense because based on past actions or how they handle situations, you’d expect them to react the same as before. But my mom says never assume. You never know where people are in life, I suppose.

I mean, I’m still on my own journey myself. I’m not sure I can show her everything I think I believe and I really don’t think she’d want to hear it. But again, that’s me assuming things based on past things. With my last relationship, I didn’t bring up anything that was an issue. Because I thought that was for the best. And part of me didn’t want to because it’d mean I continued talking to her. But that’s hiding a big part of who I think I am as a person, which is not good. Because of all this, it got to a point where I didn’t feel like I could talk to her in a calm and collected manner about something that was important to me.

As far as deep topics go, interestingly, she has a tattoo on her arm that says, ‘How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.’ It’s a lyric from a song that she sang to me once. I know I can talk to her about a lot of things and we can have a good discussion. That’s one of the bigger things that attract me to her.

I’ve talked about sin and temptation with my roommate in relation to her. I recognize it’s a real possibility. But based on that car ride and seeing her at work, it’s nice just being in her company.

You asked if I’m romantically in love or just want a friend. I think I miss a lot of the companionship aspect of being with someone. That’s what I had in my last relationship. Granted, it was long distance so we couldn’t really be with each other in person. (This is part of the reason why actually going out somewhere in person feels like an awesome idea to me.) It still worked for the moment. And nights are still hard since that’s when we mainly used to talk. And it was cool just hanging out. But for whatever reason, it didn’t work out and I can’t go back. And while I miss having someone of that significance in my life, I think it’s best to try to take things slow and figure out who I am without someone else for a change. Though we weren’t meant to be alone, I know. Even Adam got lonely in a garden of Paradise.

Thank you for your reply.
 
I see.
One thing I feel you are doing is acting like it’s an either/or. If you become friends it doesn’t mean you cannot get romantically involved in the future.
In fact, usually romances come about from being friends.
So become friends first.

I find contemplating on the fact of existence, let alone ordered existence, should be enough to bring all to God’s existence. If she has this on her mind, then that is good.

I also get what you mean about attaching to certain people. I remember in high school, to this girl I didn’t find particularly attractive or with a matching personality, it was just like I decided to like her in a romantic way for no real reason I can think of. I still think of her sometimes and wonder what if. But, that aside, if you become her friend and slowly talk more and out important issues, you can slowly make her realize the truth of Catholicism. Of course, pushing things on people rarely works.
And then, through friendship, see if she is one you see fit to be a lifelong companion in marriage.
 
Michael,

Oh, overthinking can be a terrible thing, indeed.

Yeah. For instance, I know I’m going to be excited and anxious when I turn my phone on because I know she texted me. I think a lot of it is going from having a person of significance to talk with all the time to nothing at all. And I know it’s something that I have to work on and not stress over. A friend told me to just text as an acquaintance for now.

I like this aspect of building somebody up. Making them a better person. I like the way she tells me that I have to be happy with myself first before being with somebody. I like how she cares in that way. It feels nice.

But I also recognize areas that would cause conflict down the road as well. (Probably a product of my overthinking and making assumptions.) And then I think well, why would I try to change someone because you shouldn’t try to change who someone is and you should love them for them. But even if it’s changing them ‘for the better’? I’m sorry, had a bout of over-analyzing and situation that hasn’t even begun. That’s the type of stress and conflict that partially contributed to my former relationship ending.

When she asked me if I wanted to go for a car ride, I had to make a decision. Yeah, I was anxious, excited, and overthinking the crap out of all the angles hours beforehand. But, in that moment, I had to say yes or no. It was one of the first times in a long time that I made an actual choice because it was something that I wanted to do even if I wasn’t sure still. And I just went with it. And I was happy just being in the moment.

I recognize that I like the attention certain people give to me. This is something that I learned years ago. It’s something that I have to work on. I was always a shy kid. It takes me awhile to warm up to a person and actually talk to them, but once I do, I am way more outgoing. I have to not feel (as) bad about liking the attention that she gives me, though. Part of me does because of a variety of reasons that I can’t really go into, but I know it’s something that human beings enjoy. We like being social. And she’s one of those people that is super easy to talk to. Maybe through knowing this, I can keep talking to her and become more bold about the friendship as you say.

Thank you for your reply.
 
I tend to do that a lot with things in my life. It’s black or white. I’m trying to learn otherwise.

I have a friend who told me that he can’t be in a relationship if he’s not friends with the person first. I mean, this makes sense. I don’t know of a lot of people who weren’t friends with their significant other first. I had someone tell me that it’d be like saying that you like a book without reading it.

I feel like the whole black and white mindset really messed me up with my last relationship. It was such a mess. I remember when stuff really started to go wrong, I’d pray about it and we’d keep coming back together. For this reason, I thought maybe it was meant to be. I remember thinking that I’d have to go all in or all out with it. Until eventually, I told my mom the relationship was either this or nothing, even if I hated the situation because I was holding onto hope that I thought was there.

Her tattoo has a drawing of Saturn next to it. In fact, that’s the name of the song as well. Anyway, I agree with your statement. I believe it can lead people to acknowledging at least something bigger than us. Even without bringing in the ‘Proofs of God’ with one of them being the ‘First-Mover’, it’d still make for a good discussion. I’ve actually heard her talk about how she believes in a higher power, just not what she was brought up with. And the human person in me knows that doubts are more than normal. Still, a discussion can open doors to new perspectives and thinking.
 
It’s nice to have someone relate. I think I’ll always have some ‘what if’ thoughts with certain people in my life. For me, it feels like I HAVE TO figure out who I am and what I want before trying to be with someone romantically. That’s the cool thing about friendship, though. You can kind of distance yourself a bit while figuring things out.

I’ve seen the effects of pushing things on people. For me, I thought I was ‘saving’ people. Like trying to evangelize with my actions because that is what I’m told to do. But I’ve begun to realize that you can’t save someone from anything if they don’t see a flaw themselves. My sister has been through this and it killed my mom. Luckily, my sister has become stronger because of it, but that’s not always the case. With this girl, I know she’s just doing what people do when they feel like they get pushed. They push back. And this sort of develops identity and teaches things. But I’ve also seen the other side of it. Where people think that what they do is okay because it’s so easy to become complacent if nothing bad happens. So then they think if this is okay, why not this? And on and on.

The terrible thing is that no matter how much you love someone and want them to change, they usually don’t see it that way. They see it as why would you want to change me if you love me? Which… that’s another discussion. With my former relationship, I don’t know if I was attached to the attention, companionship, all the years we held on together, or simply grew to think love meant holding onto them no matter what. But maybe by holding on, we were also holding each other down.

Like I said, I’ll always have those ‘what-if’ moments. But with her, if I can keep a friendship going, the easier it will be to talk about important things, confusing as they may be. I think it’ll be a long time for marriage. I don’t even know what I believe or is okay to believe in at times. My mom raised us Catholic and I’m not sure I can be anything else, but I do know about having something pushed on me, even out of love. Though it’s worked on me so far.

Thank you for your reply.
 
Now, holding into our Faith in the one true religion is a good thing. If I recall, Jesus said something like a prophet is respected everywhere but his own hometown. It is like this with those who are our family. It is very difficult to bring those who are family into what is right.
It is good that she believes in a higher power. But I wonder what higher power could she believe in? We believe in the Perfect God. Does she believe in an imperfect higher power? But, regardless, this is a good sign. I suppose just show them Christ in you. How we live our lives can very much be a declaration of the Gospel. Perhaps nudge. But do not push.
We all have our issues. One who is not with the fulfilling Lord will probably not be completely fulfilled.

But yes, being friends is a very good way to go forward. There is no rush. All things in time.
 
I agree that it’s good to have faith. It keeps us going when times get rough and lets us believe in something other that this Earth that can often times be so overtaken by the corruption that we cause.

I had a friend in college who had the same type of belief. He believed in something, at least. That’s what I remembered thinking. Man, college was a tough time for me. I loved it. The diversity among people and cultures. But it also really confused me. See, I came from Catholic education my whole life and then was placed with people who had a COMPLETELY different view of what normal was. I had someone tell me once that just because something is normal doesn’t make it okay. This saying has followed me. But oh, some days, I long to not be on the outside looking in on my own life. I think that’s why I need a lot of work on my own mental and spiritual health at the moment.

I can show people what I think is right and true through my actions. But in the end, they’ll just accept or reject. I’m just another face in the crowd. I’m going to want to nudge if not just for some common ground and god discussion but I’m afraid I might end up pushing her. She has already made the comment of not liking people who force their religion on her. She doesn’t know I’m Catholic. Right now, I’m keeping it friendly.

But the other part of me tries to recognize accepted social behaviors in relation to simply telling (or showing) someone that you like them. I remember being at my brother’s wedding and the girl that I stood up with, I felt myself wanting to talk to as we spent more time together. I was trying to get out of my comfort zone and just make conversation. One of my friends initiated a conversation, sparked an interest, and kept talking to her. It then evolved to him asking her to dance and them continuing to talk. It ended with all of them hanging out the next day as well.

I feel like I’m more often an observer of people living life than actually living it. Like, I study, watch, and analyze situations. This leads to overthinking to the point where I get stuck. See, being friends is good. But will I miss an opportunity then if I don’t do anything more soon? And I’m not sure why I’m even thinking about an opportunity, but it feels like I’m doing what I usually do and am just watching thing happen. Normally, if someone likes someone, they let them know by continuing to hang out with them, asking for their number, or asking them to a movie or something.

And then I look at so many different angles that I’m defeated before even going into something. To th effect of ‘Oh, there’s someone better for them. Someone who won’t bring them down.’ People like people who are spontaneous, take pride in themselves, and aren’t doormats. (You have to look before you leap, pride can lead to vanity, and we should turn the other cheek.)

This is what I have to work on before being with someone. I have to learn to relax a bit and not stress out.

All things in time.

Thank you for your continued support.
 
Indeed, but most of all Faith is what let’s us follow Christ’s Teachings, and Christ Himself, who is Truth. And grants us joy…
The world is opposed to the right and just teaching of our Master because He opposes it’s master.
All things should ultimately be out of love for God, in love of God, by love of God.
This takes time to achieve, so don’t sweat it if you or I are not yet there.
Just slowly, not all at once, do we have to bring Christ to people. In due time, things will happen. Especially if you are friends and you get to have deep conversations, the reality of God and Church teaching is almost bound to come up from your side, and it is very much opposed to other viewpoints of reality, fundamentally.

And, not everyone likes what others do. Not everyone has the same tastes. It really sounds like she would want to be your friend or even more, so don’t be afraid to be friends. This just means spending more time together and what not, and unlike asking her to go out with you, there’s no real risk of outright rejection. Just talk more with her and spend more time together in a wholesome way, and the worst that can happen is that specific instances of being together are struck down. Just don’t get super clingy all at once.
 
I’m not meaning you should try to make her into a better person. Simply discern what’s good in her and speak to that. There’s no need to try to change her. Whatever’s good in her is already there.
 
I don’t think you have pretend to be someone else if you really like someone. Just concentrate on the things that you both like. You mentioned a few. But if the conversation brings up the religion maybe if you hide it, tension will rise and block you. Most people don’t even know what is the difference between Catholic, Protestant etc. “Ah, you’re Christian and you’re going to church? Cool/Ok…/Whatever.”
If you hide it you’re making it an issue. Then it’s like “So it’s a big thing you’re going to church? Are you a bigot? Why don’t you like gays?” etc.
You don’t have to pour out all your soul at once.
As for the girl at your brother’s wedding, because you said nothing to her she may have assumed you don’t like her (like…physically yes; even if we want the best part of our body to be the eyes and the soul we have to know we are appreciated by looks).
Between girl friends remarks about looks are often and unless objective fashion advice is required, the remarks must always be positive. However, a man criticizing our fashion is not necessarily a negative thing. It means he has been staring at us long enough to think of our clothes, which is good. It is always good.
I often wonder why is it social label that men are attracted visually by nature since it is clearly us who are vainer.
So even if she only wants to be friends with you I really wouldn’t think she is worrying about your spiritual beliefs at all. But - will it be fun? New friends are always fun, new things to come, life is moving etc.
 
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