A Question About Relationships

[Richard_White]

Hi all!

Does anyone have any advice about this situation:

I’ve known this girl for a very long time now, going on four years, with three of them as us being very close. She gets me and I get her very well, and I have just come to love her very much. About half of the time I believe that she has feelings for me too by the way she acts and talks with me. However, other times I feel as if she could care less in that regard.

So, does anyone have any advice for about how I should approach basically just telling her I care for her very much other than simply doing it.

Thanks everyone and God bless!

 

[Xantippe]

Hi all!

Does anyone have any advice about this situation:

I’ve known this girl for a very long time now, going on four years, with three of them as us being very close. She gets me and I get her very well, and I have just come to love her very much. About half of the time I believe that she has feelings for me too by the way she acts and talks with me. However, other times I feel as if she could care less in that regard.

So, does anyone have any advice for about how I should approach basically just telling her I care for her very much other than simply doing it.

Thanks everyone and God bless!

Ask her out for an actual date with a time and a place and an activity. And you might even want to use the word “date” to make it really clear that this isn’t just a friend thing. If she says no or that she’s busy then, don’t despair. Try again once later (a week or two or three?) with another date idea and see what happens. But if she says no both times or says she’s busy, shelve it and just continue to be a good friend. If she is interested in you, but genuinely busy, the ball is in her court.

Best wishes!

 

[Catholic1954]

Hi all!

Does anyone have any advice about this situation:

I’ve known this girl for a very long time now, going on four years, with three of them as us being very close. She gets me and I get her very well, and I have just come to love her very much. About half of the time I believe that she has feelings for me too by the way she acts and talks with me. However, other times I feel as if she could care less in that regard.

So, does anyone have any advice for about how I should approach basically just telling her I care for her very much other than simply doing it.

Thanks everyone and God bless!

Time to ask her out!

 

[BrightLights]

Girl here! And I agree with the other answers, ask her out! Make it very clear that is a date, not just a “hang out”. Maybe get her some flowers, a necklace or something like that and ask her to wear it on the date. This will make her more likely to say yes (coming from a girl who’s rejected more guys than dates she’s been on ). Take her to a different place than you guys normally go to hang out, i.e. if you guys always go to the movies together, don’t go there, she’ll think it’s just another hangout.

Good luck! And please keep us updated

 

[SuperLuigi]

Hi all!

Does anyone have any advice about this situation:

I’ve known this girl for a very long time now, going on four years, with three of them as us being very close. She gets me and I get her very well, and I have just come to love her very much. About half of the time I believe that she has feelings for me too by the way she acts and talks with me. However, other times I feel as if she could care less in that regard.

So, does anyone have any advice for about how I should approach basically just telling her I care for her very much other than simply doing it.

Thanks everyone and God bless!

Listen very carefully:

I disagree with all the other advice, because it’s too generic. The “ask her out already” routine could be the start of ruin for this friendship.

Also, do NOT buy her anything at this point!

you market this as a very warm, heartfelt story, and it is. But if you tell you her you love her, or even that you like her, things will never the same again, and it could destroy your friendship if she doesn’t feel the same way.

About half of the time I believe that she has feelings for me too by the way she acts and talks with me.

:doh2:

Do NOT assume that!

Unless you’ve been flirting with and teasing her, there’s **no reason whatsoever **for her to be aware of a romantic attraction to you. I would suspect she sees you as one of the girls instead of a potential at this point.

Even though you know her really well and she trusts you, you still need to go through proper channels. You need to elevate the romantic communication like teasing and flirting and then ask her out. That should not be too hard since it sounds you see her in person often.

 

[jesus4ever]

Just come out and tell her. Don’t hide it from her anymore because in the near future or down the track you will regret it not telling her and wished you did.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Listen very carefully:

I disagree with all the other advice, because it’s too generic. The “ask her out already” routine could be the start of ruin for this friendship.

Also, do NOT buy her anything at this point!

you market this as a very warm, heartfelt story, and it is. But if you tell you her you love her, or even that you like her, things will never the same again, and it could destroy your friendship if she doesn’t feel the same way.

:doh2:

Do NOT assume that!

Unless you’ve been flirting with and teasing her, there’s **no reason whatsoever **for her to be aware of a romantic attraction to you. I would suspect she sees you as one of the girls instead of a potential at this point.

Even though you know her really well and she trusts you, you still need to go through proper channels. You need to elevate the romantic communication like teasing and flirting and then ask her out. That should not be too hard since it sounds you see her in person often.

I agree with SuperLuigi. You do need to slowly start ramping up the romantic communication, as he put it.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Just come out and tell her. Don’t hide it from her anymore because in the near future or down the track you will regret it not telling her and wished you did.

That is NOT the way it is done! If he tells her and she doesn’t feel the same way…look out friendship!

See my other post on here. :yup:

 

[on_the_hill]

My first reaction was to type, “Ask her out!”

Then I read SuperLuigi’s posts.

I think he has better advice.

I’ve seen a few friends “crash & burn” on multiple occasions because they made the assumption and got it wrong.

 

[Xantippe]

Listen very carefully:

I disagree with all the other advice, because it’s too generic. The “ask her out already” routine could be the start of ruin for this friendship.

**Eh, him hanging around sadly and silently loving her like a faithful spaniel isn’t working for him, either.

If he’s willing to deal with her ending their friendship, I think he should move ahead. But if he gets two nos on separate occasions, he should drop it. **

Also, do NOT buy her anything at this point!

That is true. It puts too much pressure on her too early. Now, if they did start dating now and dated through Christmas or Valentine’s, he should get her something.

you market this as a very warm, heartfelt story, and it is. But if you tell you her you love her, or even that you like her, things will never the same again, and it could destroy your friendship if she doesn’t feel the same way.

**On the other hand, this friendship is so romantically charged from his side that it may be difficult for him to be just friends with her again, at least in the foreseeable future. **

:doh2:

Do NOT assume that!

Unless you’ve been flirting with and teasing her, there’s **no reason whatsoever **for her to be aware of a romantic attraction to you. I would suspect she sees you as one of the girls instead of a potential at this point.

Even though you know her really well and she trusts you, you still need to go through proper channels. You need to elevate the romantic communication like teasing and flirting and then ask her out. That should not be too hard since it sounds you see her in person often.

Yes. And then ask her out.

Don’t wait too long. If she’s all that and a bag of chips, you’re not the only person who can see that.

 

[Xantippe]

My first reaction was to type, “Ask her out!”

Then I read SuperLuigi’s posts.

I think he has better advice.

I’ve seen a few friends “crash & burn” on multiple occasions because they made the assumption and got it wrong.

Asking somebody out isn’t making an assumption.

Making an assumption is announcing (totally out of the blue), “I’ve been madly in love with you for the past two years!”

 

[KendraDZ1902]

3 years of being close and nothing has happened? You might be in the friend zone. Asking her out may ruin the friendship.

 

[Xantippe]

3 years of being close and nothing has happened? You might be in the friend zone. Asking her out may ruin the friendship.

Or she may be shy.

Plus, by the conventions of our dating culture, it’s up to him as a guy to make any first overture.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Or she may be shy.

Plus, by the conventions of our dating culture, it’s up to him as a guy to make any first overture.

That’s not necessarily true. While I didn’t make the first move, I wasn’t shy about letting a guy know that I was interested. I also don’t believe that girls shouldn’t call the boy, either.
I know plenty of girls who have made the first move.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s not necessarily true. While I didn’t make the first move, I wasn’t shy about letting a guy know that I was interested. I also don’t believe that girls shouldn’t call the boy, either.
I know plenty of girls who have made the first move.

It’s possible, but it’s not the convention.

When I was in college, I mooned over a male friend for a good 3+ years without saying a word. I expect a lot of women do the same thing. It wasn’t really a realistic option as a relationship because of religious differences, but at the time, it didn’t even cross my mind that I could make some sort of first move other than a little light stalking. (Just happening to be at the cafeteria at his usual dinner time, etc.)

 

[Richard_White]

I agree with SuperLuigi. You do need to slowly start ramping up the romantic communication, as he put it.

I’ve done that already! Haha. And the reason that it’s taken so long is because, although we have been close for awhile, I only REALLY began to feel for her in May of this year. Before that, there was a lot of time wasted when I basically suppressed my feelings because I didn’t think that there was anything there.

Thanks, though, for the advice! I already figured that the only place I can go from here is asking her out. Christmas vacation will probably be the best time…

May God bless you all!

 

[underacloud]

There seems to be two schools of thought in this thread - straight up ask her out; or ramp up romantic communication and flirting.

In truth, either of these may work, but none of us knows the dynamics of this relationship or the two people in it. Sorry OP, you’ll have to pick one approach and give it a try.

I think those who are saying ask her out are suggesting that with so much time spent as friends, you need to make a clear shift in intentions, otherwise breaking out of the “friends-zone” will be very difficult. This is worth considering.

One question you can ask yourself is how important the friendship is to you, that you consider it a loss if things go badly. To be blunt, most male-female friendships from our early adult years will not burn brightly into the future anyway. We will marry off, have families, and such friendships rarely have room in our lives. Thus, a good female friend now who you have strong feelings for is (arguably) worth risking the friendship, to see if it has the possibility to be an even better and lifelong relationship (ie marriage…at the risk of getting ahead of ourselves).

The other way to view the friendship issues is this: if you have such strong romantic feelings for her, but she does not reciprocate them, this is probably not a good friendship to hold onto as you start to date other women and perhaps marry one. You probably will not want to remain friends with someone who you feel this way for (although it is possible these feelinds would change).

I say these things because it can shape your approach. If you make it clear that your intentions are solely romantic, she may have less hesitation at the thought of losing the friendship, since that is no longer your interest anyway. My best mate in high school took this approach with a girl we had both been friends with for many years. She was worried about losing the friendship, but he was quite persistent and clear in his intentions. She cared enough for him to give it a go, rather than lose even the friendship. They have been happily married for about 13 years now.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I’ve done that already! Haha. And the reason that it’s taken so long is because, although we have been close for awhile, I only REALLY began to feel for her in May of this year. Before that, there was a lot of time wasted when I basically suppressed my feelings because I didn’t think that there was anything there.

Thanks, though, for the advice! I already figured that the only place I can go from here is asking her out. Christmas vacation will probably be the best time…

May God bless you all!

Oh good, Richard White!

If you’ve been ramping up the romance, and she’s still around then there is a very good chance it is mutual. Not only that, but I believe the chances that it will last is also good. The marriages I know that are the best, the people gradually became closer over time… it was both friendship and attraction slowly building up.

Speaking from experience, women don’t like to surprised suddenly- it kind of puts them in a bad spot and women aren’t visual like men are.

If mutual romantic respect is growing… this is the best kind!

There is that song from the St. Francis movie… it says :

If you want your dream to be, build it slow and surely.

youtube.com/watch?v=OKFbB_kqpDI

Best wishes to you.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

The other way to view the friendship issues is this: if you have such strong romantic feelings for her, but she does not reciprocate them, this is probably not a good friendship to hold onto as you start to date other women and perhaps marry one. You probably will not want to remain friends with someone who you feel this way for (although it is possible these feelinds would change).

Maybe this is just my own experience, but most of the time, in such a friendship, if one has romantic feelings and the other does not, the friendship will eventually fail anyway, even if the one with romantic feelings doesn’t go all-out and announce his (or her) intentions. This has certainly been the case when I started to have feelings for a male friend, especially if he already had a girlfriend, that I would feel too uncomfortable having to hide my feelings.

I have also been in the uncomfortable position of rejecting a male friend’s romantic advances. While I would have been happy to continue the friendship myself, it was the young man who decided it was too painful for him to continue being my friend. (And in hindsight, he was certainly the kind of man who tended to see women primarily as romantic possibilities, so I probably should have realized way before I did that he was seeing the relationship as more than just friendly).

So the OP should really consider, would he be happy just staying friends with this young woman if she does not return his romantic feelings? If he would be miserable either way, then perhaps the best thing to do is for him to declare himself.

ETA: I should also point out that one reason I was so clueless about my friend’s true intentions is that this occurred at a time when I had pretty low self-esteem, did not see myself as attractive to men, and it just didn’t occur to me that anyone would actually like me “that way”. Hopefully this is not the case with the OP’s friend.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’ve done that already! Haha. And the reason that it’s taken so long is because, although we have been close for awhile, I only REALLY began to feel for her in May of this year. Before that, there was a lot of time wasted when I basically suppressed my feelings because I didn’t think that there was anything there.

Thanks, though, for the advice! I already figured that the only place I can go from here is asking her out. Christmas vacation will probably be the best time…

May God bless you all!

Hi Richard

I support your decision to ask her out then. But don’t declare you undying love for her, unless she says she feels that way first, and only tell her you love her if it’s the truth.

Otherwise, just ask her out and don’t make a big deal about it no matter what she says, okay?

And by all means come back if you want more advice!

Merry X-mas!