I was born into the LDS church of pioneer stock, going back six generations with polygamous ancestors, graduated from seminary, went on a mission, and married in the Salt Lake temple. I never did feel any spiritual promptings of any kind. That’s a big problem for a mormon. As I got older, I was never comfortable with the priesthood ban and the standard justifications my parents, teachers, and church leaders would use (curse of Cain, Ham, black skin, etc.). I was also bothered by the fact that still, after all these years, there was still no trace of archeological evidence from Nephite civilization anywhere to be found. But I still kept working, reading BYU apologetic literature (also known as lame excuses) trying to explain these problems and trying to feel the spirit - until the day I discovered that all of the facsimilies in the Book of Abraham were standard illustrations found in common Egyptial funeral documents and that Facsimile 3 in my Pearl of Great Price still has hieroglyphics that you can look at yourself and translate with the help of an Egyptologist. The names for those figures in the picture are all the usual Egyptian gods depicted in all of those common funeral documents (Osirus, Maat, Isis) and those names are right there in your PoGP. Joseph Smith gave them other names and even got the genders wrong, e.g., calling Isis “King Pharoah”; Maat “Prince Pharoah” and Anubis “Olimlah, a slave”). That discovery was the nail in the coffin. Suddenly I knew why I had never felt any spiritual promptings or gotten any answer to my sincere prayers when testing Moroni’s Promise. Joseph Smith was a charlatan and made the whole thing up. I became an overnight atheist. That lasted for years, though there was still something deep down pulling me toward some kind of spirituality. I began researching world religions and investigated christian origins, and in the end was attracted to zen buddhism for a long time. I didn’t get anything out of that either. In the end, I never could see what the point was of sitting there in silence trying to experience the One (whatever that is) when the One is not a person. It made no sense. But I was still attracted to meditation and the idea of mystical experiences. That’s when I read Merton’s Seven Story Mountain and discovered the monastic tradition that sought unity with the One who really is a Person. Suddenly, Christianity re-entered the picture. I read Mere Christianity and Miracles by Lewis, St. John of the Cross, the early church fathers, and the New Testament - this time with fresh eyes and a much firmer grasp on church history and European history than the over-simplified pablum I was spoon fed in seminary and gospel doctrine. It was shocking to discover that there never was a Great Apostasy. The rest followed logically. Once I decided I wanted to give God and Jesus a try once more, there was only one thing I could do. I enrolled in RCIA. I still haven’t felt any spiritual promptings, but at least I know my faith is reasonable and historically-grounded. Not like the rationally baseless, emotional faith in Joseph Smith that Mormons have.
