A question for wives... about husbands

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Debora123

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I have been with my husband for 6 years, and married to him for 2. He is a fantastic person, and we have a very good marriage.

Recently however, I’ve been having a difficult time getting him to engage in conversations with me. I mean sure, we mention how our day was and what we saw on TV or what is going on in the news and how much we dislike Obama… but I feel like we haven’t had strong, in depth, intimate communication in a while… the type that makes you feel close and connected to your spouse afterwards.

I try to talk to him and provoke conversation by asking him questions but he usually just responds with one word answers or with “I don’t know”… and when I say something to him like “talk to me” he just says “I don’t have anything to say.”

This started happening more and more while I was trying to just have a good conversations with him, but now it’s gotten to the point where it’s infiltrated into our little fights/arguments.

When we get into one of our little spats, it usually ends in me getting very grumpy and instead of him trying to talk it out with me, he just shuts down. I mean he completely just shuts down. He turns around, walks away, sits at his computer desk and starts doing whatever he does. And when I tell him how I feel and try to get him to talk to me, he just sits in silence and says “I don’t have anything else to say… I don’t know what to say.”

I know it sounds extremely petty, and considering this is the worst of our marital “problems,” I probably shouldn’t even be complaining. But I’ve just began feeling a sense of intimate “disconnect” with him recently because of it. And I worry that this is going to end up hindering the strong, intimate, emotional connection that spouses are supposed to have with each other.

Ladies… is this normal? Is it just a normal “guy” thing that is just now coming out since we’ve been together so long?

Guys… are you able to shed some light here from a man’s perspective??
 
Wife’s Diary Entry: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I asked him what was wrong. “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, but I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely; he just sat there quietly and watched TV. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I’m almost sure his thoughts were with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s diary entry: A five putt. Who the h**l five putts?

Seriously, though, there is a very serious communication habit called “stonewalling”. It is when one partner simply opts out of communication, usually because he or she is overwhelmed or defensive because the stonewalling person feels he or she is being personally attacked or that his or her partner is showing contempt or being inappropriately negative or accusatory. It is the armadillo defense.

Sometime when guys are quiet, they are stonewalling. Sometimes, though, they are just thinking about other things or don’t have the energy for chatting.
 
EasterJoy said:
Wife’s Diary Entry: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I asked him what was wrong. “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, but I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely; he just sat there quietly and watched TV. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I’m almost sure his thoughts were with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s diary entry: A five putt. Who the h**l five putts?
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Lol, I didn’t really understand the “five putt” thing. What is that??
 
EasterJoy said:
Wife’s Diary Entry: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I asked him what was wrong. “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, but I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely; he just sat there quietly and watched TV. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I’m almost sure his thoughts were with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s diary entry: A five putt. Who the h**l five putts?
Click to expand...
Fabulous! Thank you.

Deborah, has anything changed? Is his job stressful? I think two things:

First, this is probably part of the ebb and flow that is relationships - sometimes things are wonderful, sometimes they just tick along.

Second, maybe by pushing him to talk, you’re putting pressure on him to perform, so he’s getting stressed about it and the situation is getting worse. Maybe.

When was the last time you went away together, or had a romantic outing? I know that for me, things get better when my husband and I do something specifically as special together time. Sometimes we need to take time out and reconnect, but without adding pressure to the equation (don’t expect a certain level of communication to instantly return or you might be disappointed). Just take it easy and see what comes.

I should also mention that we have six little ones, so having time to ourselves occasionally is just ace!
 
Debora123 said:
Lol, I didn’t really understand the “five putt” thing. What is that??
Click to expand...
A five-putt is when the golfer gets his or her ball onto the green, and then takes five strokes to get the ball into the hole! They’re happy when they only need one putt, and at worst they expect to get the ball in within two…but five? That’s awful. That is like an anti-hole-in-one. It really would ruin the round.
 
Thank you for the words of wisdom ladies. Is this a common thing in marriages then? For the guy to be more quiet and seem more “distant”?
 
I think what you’re describing is that he’s feeling overwhelmed, and so he’s stonewalling you. He’s either so angry that he’s afraid he’s going to say something he’s going to regret, or else he feels as if the whole fight is unfair and he’s just not going to play ball any more. The former isn’t bad, but the latter can be.

In spite of my first joke, this is a problem that is well worth dealing with, because it can be a symptom of serious relationship problems. The thing is, though, you need to talk to him about it when you’re both calm. Ask him if he felt you were not “fighting fair” or if you were saying things that cut at him personally, rather than just making a legitimate complaint. If so, consider how to complain without making each other feel attacked. If you don’t know how to do that, I’d suggest John Gottman’s “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage”. It has lots of examples of common less-constructive ways to have a conflict, and examples of how the same couples changed their conversation styles.

If he says he thinks your complaint is legitimate but still doesn’t want to talk to you about it, I think the idea is to stress that when you don’t have your head turned by your emotions, you want to be on his side to deal with your problems more than you want to be right or make things “fair”. It is better to have a good life than a fair life, after all, and if you go for good you have the best chance of winding up with a just situation, anyway! (This is because when people are cranky and tired, we all naturally overestimate our own exertions and underestimate the exertions of others!)

If you’re willing to look for solutions to whatever you are having a spat about that says “I’d agree to a situation where I felt I work more than you, where I felt I complain less, and where we live in an ugly house because you like it, if it meant we could be happy together…because I don’t want to keep score. I just want to work this out”, that’s a good way to live. You may also have ways of venting your emotions that seem “cranky” to you but that seem a lot worse to him. Well, the way you feel is part of objective reality and the way he feels is part of objective reality. The actual reality may be 1000 miles from what each of you perceives, but your experiences and perceptions are still real things that have to be dealt with. Remember that, and that ought to help.
 
Men like to talk about what we know, and what they did. They don’t like to talk (except for ones like me) about what they think. And we certainly don’t want to talk about what we feel. So show some interest in ‘know’ (prepared to learn about things you are not excited by; and ‘did’ (prepared to be equally unecited). Eventually you will get to a bit of the ‘think’ and ‘feel’ which seems to interest women. Incidentally, next time you are talking about how much you hate Obama, you might like to reflect on his easy use of language, and confidence in expressing the whole range of his thoughts and emotions. Bet the first couple have great conversation.
 
If he were hiding anything, he’d be more likely to talk to show that everything’s normal 🙂
 
My husband and I have been married about the same amount of time as you guys, and to a degree I think it is normal. Sometimes it happens to us when we get too much into a routine. What helps us get good conversations about life going is getting out of the house and doing something like going for a walk, when neither of us can be distracted.

Also I know my husband also has a tendency to internalize stress, and when he is stressed he becomes more touchy and less talkative. I see you have post with questions and concerns about various issues related to the two of you, such as jobs. Perhaps when you are dealing with these questions and issues by speaking about them, he is internalizing them and is feeling stressed about the future?
 
For reference, I was married about 10 years, divorced (with subsequent annulment), and remarried for 13 years.

There is a normal course of events that occurs in most people’s marriages. It’s very different living with someone, versus dating someone that doesn’t.

There can be a few reasons for this occurring. One is simply that your personalities are very different. My wife and I are the perfect example. My wife is one of the most fun and talkative people I have met; she could give comedian Robin Williams a run for his money. I tend to be more reserved. Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking about something and go crawl into my hole. Many more men are like this than woman.

Another very, very common reason is stress. Nowadays, financial stress is a major problem. If the husband is the breadwinner in the family, and can’t make ends meet, it’s almost a given the stress will spill into everything else in their lives.

Lastly, it can be just an adjustment period in one’s marriage.

Certainly the issue should be addressed. I recommend discussing it under stress-free circumstances, such as a romantic dinner, a walk in a park or beach, etc.

Good luck!
 
Debora123 said:
I have been with my husband for 6 years, and married to him for 2. He is a fantastic person, and we have a very good marriage.

Recently however, I’ve been having a difficult time getting him to engage in conversations with me. I mean sure, we mention how our day was and what we saw on TV or what is going on in the news and how much we dislike Obama… but I feel like we haven’t had strong, in depth, intimate communication in a while… the type that makes you feel close and connected to your spouse afterwards.

I try to talk to him and provoke conversation by asking him questions but he usually just responds with one word answers or with “I don’t know”… and when I say something to him like “talk to me” he just says “I don’t have anything to say.”

This started happening more and more while I was trying to just have a good conversations with him, but now it’s gotten to the point where it’s infiltrated into our little fights/arguments.

When we get into one of our little spats, it usually ends in me getting very grumpy and instead of him trying to talk it out with me, he just shuts down. I mean he completely just shuts down. He turns around, walks away, sits at his computer desk and starts doing whatever he does. And when I tell him how I feel and try to get him to talk to me, he just sits in silence and says “I don’t have anything else to say… I don’t know what to say.”

I know it sounds extremely petty, and considering this is the worst of our marital “problems,” I probably shouldn’t even be complaining. But I’ve just began feeling a sense of intimate “disconnect” with him recently because of it. And I worry that this is going to end up hindering the strong, intimate, emotional connection that spouses are supposed to have with each other.

Ladies… is this normal? Is it just a normal “guy” thing that is just now coming out since we’ve been together so long?

Guys… are you able to shed some light here from a man’s perspective??
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Stonewalling…a marriage tactic where (usually men) close down and refuse to talk b/c the “Mrs.” is nagging AGAIN! Why does she always want to talk??? Why can’t we just be silent sometimes? I don’t want to talk all the time! I just want to come home from work, go into my cave and just chill. UHGGG!!!

Read the book (again if you’ve already)…“Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars”.

Men are terrible stonewallers! My hubby does this too.
 
Debora123 said:
I know it sounds extremely petty, and considering this is the worst of our marital “problems,” I probably shouldn’t even be complaining.
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I don’t think it sounds petty at all. It sounds pretty darn important to me. You have to wonder if he is just withdrawn or if he is really hiding something.

I am a man, so I can’t give you advice about how to communicate with a husband. But I encourage you to keep trying… though prudently. As others have said, you don’t want to risk alienating him by being overbearing.
 
It would surprise me if this were a fellow who was hiding some secret misbehavior of his own. I would guess he’s either just not feeling good about life (in general or for a particular reason) or else he’s sitting on a resentment he’s not talking about. The next time he says “I don’t know what to say”, I guess I’d ask “Do you mean ‘I’m content, but I just don’t feel like talking’ or ‘I’m not content, but I don’t know what is wrong’ or ‘I sort of know what is wrong, but don’t have the words to describe it’ or do you mean ‘I know clearly what is wrong, but it is something hard to say, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings or start another fight’? Is it one of those kinds of ‘I don’t know’?” Then see what he says.
 
OooooH! OooooH! Pick me! (If a hubby can respond . . . )

I was the king of the non-responsive “conversation” - - I was the “good listener”. I too thought I didn’t have any thoughts or feelings.

deb, it is important. It is also a “normal”, probably better said typical, “guy thing” OK, hopefully done with the quotes.

I have a couple of suggestions, see what you think. Number one, research into the speaker-listener technique (it probably has many names for similar concepts). IIRC, the University of Denver has a research on this communication technique, which involves the listener paraphrasing what the speaker has said back to the speaker. I think they call it (sorry, more quotes) “fighting for your marriage”, or something similar. Not saying you are at the fighting stage, but perhaps this can be one tool to help avoid that stage. In my experience, it can help slow the women down, i.e., keep to one topic at a time, and can help speed the men up, i.e., the fella must actually respond to the idea presented, not just problem solve or agree, or ignore. Not saying you would use it all the time, but it can be used if you, as the speaker, are not feeling that you are being heard.

Second, maybe schedule an issue/discussion night? You both know going into it that you are reserving the time for discussion, thinking, feeling . . . and that you will both work on responding in depth? I know sometimes for families without kids yet that seems silly, but maybe as an intermediate step it could get you both to the table so to speak, and he wouldn’t feel like every conversation had some portentous meaning and so feel pressured (wait, was I projecting there . . . ). Read a book together and discuss, as opposed to an issue nite?

Third, if you have time, a Marriage Encounter weekend? It is for good marriages, not troubled ones. I know some people here on CAF can’t stand ME, but I thought it was valuable. The whole concept is sharing and describing feelings, and it provides a method/structure to accomplish that.

Let me know if I can be of any help.

ETA: based on deb’s consistent description of her hubby, I would be astounded if he was hiding something, much more likely just stress and tiredness combined with some common male communication techniques, or lack thereof.
 
Debora, could this possibly be because of the topic of your other thread? He may not know what he is feeling or thinking. It will be a big change for him as well as for you. He can’t speak about it, because he doesn’t really know what it will be like yet. And maybe that is what is on his mind.

Honestly, for my husband, this is totally normal. I didn’t say that it is good, or pleasant, but that is how it is.

I would say that you should probably just give him some space. Let him know that you are there for him when he is able to share, but don’t push it. Don’t assume it is only you he is shutting out either. If this is all new to you, I know it can be hard, but have patience. May God bless you and guide you.
 
choose_to_love said:
…Second, maybe schedule an issue/discussion night?..
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Oh, yeah, every man I know is going to circle that one on his calendar in red! :rolleyes:

Seriously, though, it is not a bad idea to have a regular time set aside for planning, goal-setting, or to have big discussions. That’s actually a really good idea. I just wouldn’t make it the night set aside for emotional dumping, but rather the “how’s the big picture going?” night. If there is something emotional on the table right now, clear some calendar today, as soon as it can be arranged, talk about as close to now as you can manage, then move on.
 
Women can always find a reason to have a chat - we ususally like to talk just to relax and a lack of talk (in our minds “communication”) often worries and stresses us. Also extroverts like to talk and talking helps them figure out what they think. If you are more extroverted than your husband you may also need to appreciate that his way to relax is to spend time alone or to be able to decompress without the talking part!

I have definitely experienced this in my marriage, yet I would still consider my husband my best friend and his is my rock. I look outside my marriage for “chunky chats” a lot of the time because it’s not really the way my husband prefers to communicate. However, if I REALLY need to talk to him we will make time to do it. If I am totally stressing out about something to the point I can’t sleep he will talk to me in the middle of the night! So he is a good guy. Also of course he definitely turns to me to help him figure out other people.

As a said above, to us talking is always “communication”, however not so with men. They would often like to communicate in other ways - and plenty can be non-verbal. I think when your husband says something like “what do you want me to say” he is basically saying this form of communication is not working for him right now.

If I may offer some advice I would mention that men ususally prefer action to words, so maybe take the time to go out for a nice meal or catch a movie together. Sharing experiences is a way many people feel loved and it helps cement you together.

I would also agree that your husband’s behavior is also how my DH acts when he is feeling stressed. How about putting the talking on hold and offering a back massage or sharing a bottle of wine? Remember your husband is not your girlfriend, I know very few men who enjoy bonding by talking as much as women so don’t take it too personally.
 
P.s. I wanted to add that although we might not always have the “deep” talks that I thrive on, every day my husband tells me he loves me and I have to fight him off morning till night 😉 so if those elements are still active and thriving I would say it’s a phase of marriage and/or down to stress.
 
Women connect with everyone.

Men solve problems.

I have always enjoyed talking to my wife about anything. It’s our escape valve. That said, sometimes we get into ruts and there is no communication at all. No anger, we are just wrapped up in our own things. When that happens, someone just does something goofy or we put everything down and watch TV and talk.

When one of you wants to talk and the other doesn’t, every attempt at conversation seems to be like fingernails on a chalkboard. Just back off…🤷
 
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