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Seatuck
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I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. Or listen to it. Then ask the hubby to also if you think it will be helpful.
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Serap
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I don’t have time to explain. My husband is fine.
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papaececi
Guest
I haven’t combed through the entire thread so I apologize if this has already been covered. There is a book that you might find helpful. “How to help your marriage without talking about it.” Some of the advice in that book might be contrary to Catholic teaching, so I would read it with that in mind, but there is a great amount of information about the difference between men and women and how they communicate and bond. Essentially, men bond through activities, women through conversation. To talk just to bond is a totally foreign concept to the male mind.
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Serap
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thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I will look up this book.
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Actaeon
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Lucy, a marriage is give and take… it’s not ALL about meeting the needs of the woman. Men communicate differently than women regarding emotional needs, that much is established FACT.
Given that fact, any marriage should involve meeting in the middle where communication is concerned. If a guy is constantly rolling over to the emotional wants of the woman with no regard ever given to his emotional expression (or desire to express himself in other ways) then that is a very UNHEALTHY marriage, and one which is likely doomed to failure. Chastising someone about the fact that they take a balanced approach to communicating with their spouse is not in the vein of advice I would recommend that anyone follow.
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thewanderer
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Especially as people are going to end up compromising in different ways, maybe the wife is more accomadating here because it happens to be a bigger deal for the husband and in turn the husband is more accomadating to the wife somewhere else in the marriage. Having a 50-50 split on every single issue is not necessary.
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teresadeavila
Guest
Through intense marital counseling, I’ve learned that feeling respected is a HUGE thing for men. And work, feeling respected and valued at work is a big factor in how my hubby behaves - after a decade of jobs and disappointment his career was not moving in the direction he wanted, he is finally really happy with his job. And thus, it affects our marriage, he’s definitely not as sulky and withdrawn as he used to be although he’s just an introverted guy, represses feelings, etc. Lucky he has me, the extreme extrovert to coax him out of his shell.Thank you all for the responses… it seems like I am not alone in this… not by a long shot.
…And I guess that’s all I really wanted to know. I just wanted to make sure this is something relatively “normal” for men.
For the people who suggested he might be “hiding” something, lol, no he is not hiding anything. We are very open with each other and we know each other inside and out and I know that he would never do anything to betray me. …He just seems to be lacking a little bit in the conversation department recently. And also, he is by nature a more quiet, conservative type of person.
Some people here suggested that when we are having an argument and he stops talking, what he is doing is stonewalling me as sort of a self defense mechanism to my nagging. I too believe this is probably the case. I’ll be the first to admit I can definitely be a handful.…And while I like to talk and talk and talk when we’re upset at each other, he’d rather just take a time out and let things pass.
I do believe that part of the reason why he’s recently seemed a little bit more “distant” verbally is because he has been under a lot of stress. Back in May he sent out his application packet to the Air Force, in hopes of being selected for a pilot position. We’ve spent the past 4 months in limbo, waiting to hear back from the AF while our financial situation has been pretty unsteady.
This morning we finally got a phone call from his recruiter, giving him the news that YES the Air Force has selected him for a pilot position and that he will be starting officer training school hopefully as early as January. We’ve been super happy and celebrating all day, and it has been a huge weight off our shoulders.
Hopefully this good news will put him more at ease and he will once again feel more relaxed and open.
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teresadeavila
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Sometimes, they really need time alone - I can relate! I do, too. Our counselor said the funniest thing, sometimes, we women need to just shut the 6%$# up and not nag. We just don’t realize hubbies perceive our persistent wanting to connect as “nagging”.
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Serap
Guest
you made me smile. thanks.
my marriage is good and my husband is a terrible communicator. i honestly find that he is a better communicator when we are intimate regularly. for some reason, my husband feels a stronger connection to me after we are intimate. different love languages I guess.
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LucyLight
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I was just explaining my point of view. Im not asking you for personal info.
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teresadeavila
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Different love languages are also important! Agreed - my hubby responds to gifts and helping him out with various minor tasks - I respond with affection, intimacy, small gestures of appreciation. Jewelry helps
Joking…sort of…I just don’t think men were made to be natural communicators, sharing their feelings, bearing their soul - women can excel in that area.
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Serap
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we are not the weaker sexDifferent love languages are also important! Agreed - my hubby responds to gifts and helping him out with various minor tasks - I respond with affection, intimacy, small gestures of appreciation. Jewelry helps
I just don’t think men were made to be natural communicators, sharing their feelings, bearing their soul - women can excel in that area.
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Actaeon
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Then why do I have to open so many jars?!?!we are not the weaker sex
:shrug:That is entirely a joke, btw, my girlfriend is quite proficient at opening her own jars! Aaaaand I’ll admit to being a sissy about bugs. I really hate the things and will not touch them, even with a papercloth. My vacuum cleaner at my house is filled with them because I’ll smash them, but can’t pick them up afterwards so I just suck them up into the hose of “never to be seen again”…
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LucyLight
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Lol! Who said it’s all about meeting the needs of the woman? Did you even read that I am also guilty of ignoring my husband and the example I gave of a wife withholding sex from her husband? This is what I wrote,
“If I only had sex with my husband after he cleaned the house and bought me flowers than I wouldn’t really be giving myself to my husband. In the same way, if my husband only talked to me after all of his needs were met and I approached him in the right way than he also wouldn’t be giving himself to me.”
I don’t constantly want to talk or be with my husband and he doesn’t constantly want to talk or be with me. This thread wasn’t about constantly talking. It was about being ignored. We should strive to always be more generous with our spouse.
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JoshuaNY
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Well it seems like everything is ok, and he was stressed out about the Pilot training. I hope everything goes well.
I know you came here to see advise of other people and if it was normal. But my first reaction to reading the OP was that you should talk to him about it.
When it comes down to it, Husbands care if their wives are happy. If you felt a disconnect I think it important to bring it up with him and tell him why.
I would want to know if my wife felt disconnected and would talk it out if she did. So perhaps if you made it known how you felt he would tell you whats going on. Or maybe that’s just me and I am the odd man out.
I know you came here to see advise of other people and if it was normal. But my first reaction to reading the OP was that you should talk to him about it.
When it comes down to it, Husbands care if their wives are happy. If you felt a disconnect I think it important to bring it up with him and tell him why.
I would want to know if my wife felt disconnected and would talk it out if she did. So perhaps if you made it known how you felt he would tell you whats going on. Or maybe that’s just me and I am the odd man out.
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Actaeon
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I should have been more specific in what I was replying to: a poster said that some men need a more gentle approach than being forced into conversations they don’t feel comfortable in. Where, in your response, I object is in saying “So if you don’t approach him in a certain way than he wont talk to you? You’re not helping your spouse to become holy if you teach them that it’s okay to treat you that way.”
The idea that a spouse needs to be forced into broaching subjects he may have a hard time expressing, or that if someone isn’t forcing their husband into such discussions they aren’t “helping their spouse to become holy” is simply incorrect. Like I said in my first post, many men are socially conditioned NOT to express themselves emotively… as in SOME men have been persecuted by their peers for expressing themselves and thus have an aversion to outward expression of certain sentiments.
To such a person, FORCING them to discuss these things immediately or “the relationship is not moving towards holiness” is understandably perceived as nagging. Understanding that many men have been trained to repress expression of certain emotions and therefore tailoring a solution to each individual couple is the right response… so to reply to a comment that “some men need a more gentle approach” with the statement that you made is to deny that some men have real needs that should be addressed in that process as well.
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agapewolf
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This thread is interesting to me…
on the one hand, I understand it is the wife asking for help, and she only has control over herself and her actions/words and not her husband.
However, it seems that all the advice is how to approach him, what to talk to him about, how to give him space, all about him him him and treating him gingerly.
I’d be really REALLY upset to have communication shut down on me so many times. It is absolutely unfair, and actually very scary when one person shuts down communication, because you can’t do anything…you can’t grow, you can’t figure things out, you can’t move forward or get over anything. It’s not just a one time thing. (which can be understandable). He’s in the wrong.
on the one hand, I understand it is the wife asking for help, and she only has control over herself and her actions/words and not her husband.
However, it seems that all the advice is how to approach him, what to talk to him about, how to give him space, all about him him him and treating him gingerly.
I’d be really REALLY upset to have communication shut down on me so many times. It is absolutely unfair, and actually very scary when one person shuts down communication, because you can’t do anything…you can’t grow, you can’t figure things out, you can’t move forward or get over anything. It’s not just a one time thing. (which can be understandable). He’s in the wrong.
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Actaeon
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A bold pronunciation from someone who has not identified themselves as a marriage counselor who is familiar with this particular case…
And no one, not a single one, has advocated that debora not have her needs met by her husband, so your claim that this thread is all about meeting mens’ needs is a little off… but understanding that guys have certain social conditionings and needs AS WELL is a good first step to both spouses providing for the needs of each other.
It’s amazing to me that saying that there need to be considerations for the needs of both spouses is so repeatedly decried as woman oppressing chauvenism…
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agapewolf
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You are out of line. I never EVER EVER “decried woman oppressing chauvenism”.A bold pronunciation from someone who has not identified themselves as a marriage counselor who is familiar with this particular case…
And no one, not a single one, has advocated that debora not have her needs met by her husband, so your claim that this thread is all about meeting mens’ needs is a little off… but understanding that guys have certain social conditionings and needs AS WELL is a good first step to both spouses providing for the needs of each other.
It’s amazing to me that saying that there need to be considerations for the needs of both spouses is so repeatedly decried as woman oppressing chauvenism…
However, I made an observation of the comments here that most are for the woman to be doing the maneuvering. This is a factual statement, if you read over the thread.
I also mentioned HOW I WOULD FEEL in the situation.
His behavior, over and over again as it was explained (which is the only info anybody has here), was wrong.
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Debora123
Guest
Thank you all again for all the support, advice, and insight.
I want you all to know that my husband is a wonderful amazing person and I feel guilty for having made this thread that put him in kind of a negative light. He really is the kindest, most respectful, most loving person I could ever have found… and I could never sing his praises enough.
Just to clear up a little bit here…
Though my husband is a more quiet/peaceful type of guy, he’s always had very good communication with me in all aspects. I know he’s been really stressed out this past month or two, and I think that’s what had been causing his more mellow moods. Like I said, we just yesterday heard back from the Air Force offering him a position as a pilot, and it has been a big weight off his shoulders to know that he will finally be able to fully provide for me and future children while doing what he loves - flying. This is huge for him and something he has been anxiously awaiting since his application in May.
Thank you all again very much.
I want you all to know that my husband is a wonderful amazing person and I feel guilty for having made this thread that put him in kind of a negative light. He really is the kindest, most respectful, most loving person I could ever have found… and I could never sing his praises enough.
Just to clear up a little bit here…
Though my husband is a more quiet/peaceful type of guy, he’s always had very good communication with me in all aspects. I know he’s been really stressed out this past month or two, and I think that’s what had been causing his more mellow moods. Like I said, we just yesterday heard back from the Air Force offering him a position as a pilot, and it has been a big weight off his shoulders to know that he will finally be able to fully provide for me and future children while doing what he loves - flying. This is huge for him and something he has been anxiously awaiting since his application in May.
Thank you all again very much.
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