Abandoned husband

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Hypomenontos

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Sorry folks, but I am in dire straits and would need any advice or comfort, both practical and spiritual, that I can get. Here is my problem; I am married for 12 years now. I love my wife and have always been faithful to her. We have two beautiful children, boys of 8 and 10.

I have a good and interesting but stressful and time consuming job, for wich we moved to another city 10 years ago. This job and my family is all I have. Nevertheless, while being quite successful in my job I may not have cared for my wife as a woman as good as I should have. For somehow she became bored of me and got into a relationship with annother man. And now she is about to leave me.

Trouble is: In an obvious move to rationalize her behaviour, she is blaming my catholic faith for her alienation from me. She is lutheran (as I once was, but I converted to the full communion with the church well before our marriage). However, lutheranism is not the issue here. Her lover is very much into Rudolf Steiner-type ideology and she has adopted this. If I tell her how a bad piece of scholarship Steiners “Philosophy of Freedom” is, I get in return all the trendy anti-catholic buzz, from the (most lamentable indeed) abuse scandals to the pope being anti-modern and so on.

So what can I do? I do not have any real measure to put pressure on her, such as threats to quit my job (and thereby sacrificing my and her middle class style of living), since this would harm our kids. And the law is against me: she can force me into a separation against all my will. She’d harm herself on the long run by doing this, since everybody tells me that relationships entered by bored spouses are pretty much doomed after a couple of years. So this is not only destroying my life.

So I am absolutely determined to remain faithful, even if she is not. I am committed to this by my faith. But is there any practical hope that my love’s bearing and enduring all things (1 Cor 7) may prevail as a strategy? Does anybody know cases, that may give me hope, on however long a timescale? Anybody remotely familiar with such a situation is welcome to share his or her experiences with me. And maybe somebody knows a certain saint that may be a good idea turning to. God bless you all.
 
Hypo,

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this, I also am. My wife (soon to be EX – Yes I am divorcing her) would have been married 18 years this July. She also chose to have an affair with another man – a married man. She would write him e-mails and letters expressing her undying love for him and calling him her soul mate. After I discovered the truth she also tried that excuse that it was my fault because I put God first in my life – which I do. But the fact is SHE chose to forsake our vows and reject not only me but God’s laws also.

I will pray that God grants you comfort and peace. But you must be strong for your sons, show them that even in the face of turbulence and strife your faith will be unwavering and that you will always stay focused on God.

This may sound cruel but if she is willing to have an affair – not sure how long she was, but if she was to come back to you it may continue with him still or find another in the future. For me even after I discovered the truth, she still kept e-mailing him, and is even now in contact with him I am sure.

The best advice I can give you is talk to your Priest, and maybe another Priest at a different Church just to get two opinions. But regardless I will pray that God grants you guidance and peace.

May God Bless and Keep you always.

Winter
 
There is no need to apologize for your situation, or for coming here to get help and support.

There is a book that is a current best seller. It is called “The Love Dare,” and it was the basis for the movie “Fireproof.” (which wasn’t a great movie, from the little I could watch.) It is a program that spouses (or one spouse) undertakes over 40 days, to transform the relationship between the husband and wife. It really involves an inner transformation as well, it’s not just doing nice things for your wife.

You can read the entire Dare here

Online Love Dare It is not specifically Catholic but there is nothing in it that conflicts with the Catholic Church. (AFAIK)

Here is another website, this is a therapist who wrote a book called “Divorce Busting.” She says one spouse can have a good effect even if the other one isn’t cooperating. She has marriage coaches that can help you over the phone.

Divorce Busting

Her approach is secular but she is determined to save couples from divorce.

Please don’t give up without a fight! Your boys need you and their mother! I married a child of divorce and the repercussions still echo through our lives.
 
Hypomenontos said:
So I am absolutely determined to remain faithful, even if she is not. I am committed to this by my faith. But is there any practical hope that my love’s bearing and enduring all things (1 Cor 7) may prevail as a strategy? Does anybody know cases, that may give me hope, on however long a timescale? Anybody remotely familiar with such a situation is welcome to share his or her experiences with me. And maybe somebody knows a certain saint that may be a good idea turning to. God bless you all.
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Hi Hypomenontos,

I am very sorry to hear your story. I think you are on the right path though. I am going through something a bit similar. You are no longer just dating and competing with another suitor for her affections; once another man is involved, she will need to choose whom to end it with. I myself have chosen the way of prayer, Christian love and understanding. I don’t want to go into details at this time, but I believe that this is the best way a person can get through it. I don’t have a lot of hope that my story will turn out, but I do pray for my wife’s soul; she is not a bad person but just very, very confused and terribly scarred from childhood. God doesn’t owe me or you a good life, but he has given us “a” life and a chance for eternity with him. Forgiveness is key, but not very easy. To show your children an example of divine virtue will be priceless for them.
 
I am sorry you are going through this and will pray. My only advice is to seek the support of your priest and a Catholic counselor. God bless you.
 
I am so amazed at the strong people who’ve posted on this thread. I am inspired by the examples. Marriages are unraveling everywhere, and we are in such need of saints. It is a very difficult path to be alone and abandoned, especially when it is one that is unknown. You must accept the fact that your chances are not very good that she will repent and come back. But remember that the Bible tells us to let these people go. I realize, in the end, God asks us to let everything go. When we are old, most of us do have to let everything go. I take comfort in the entire book of Hosea. Dedicate your entire family to the Immaculate Heart of Mary every day, that she may cover you in her mantle. This prayer has been a great comfort for me.
 
Indiana governor Mitch Daniels is an example of a marriage which was restored. His wife left him and their children-4 girls 8 to 14 for another man. 4 years later they remarried in 1997 and have been together since. Stories vary as to whether she went to California or had stayed in Indiana.

Oddly, people view this as a detriment to his political career saying it casts him as a ‘beta male’ by being willing to take her back after that. They say it shows a lack of pride and confidence in himself.

Sorry, abandoned by my ex-wife (legally, no annulment) and have our 2 minor children living with me (we also have an adult child). I would be a cold soul indeed if I refused them the opportunity to have their family reunited. I have nothing but respect for Gov. Daniels willingness to seek understanding, forgiveness and putting the needs of his daughters over his own pride.

Has she been to counseling? Perhaps looked at for depression etc?

Practical advice- life is too short to be miserable. It’s going to be rough but always seek to appreciate the little things you can. The negatives can be overwhelming- don’t focus only on the negatives. If the worst happens and you do divorce, ensure your home is very much your kids home as well. Areas that are only theirs, places for their things. Not some place they visit, make it a place they live.

Make sure your sons continue having relationships with relatives an both sides. Find positive female role models for them. The closer the better, not as good as a mom honoring vows, but women to help counter the view of women she will be setting for them.

Do not go along with the idea that she gets primary custody. Look at what is truly best for your children. If you do the 50/50, document those times she ‘can’t take them’ or asks you to take them when it’s her time. If she can’t seem to find time to honor 50-50 make her change the legal agreement to what the actual custody situation is.
 
What a difficult situation for you and your kids - I will keep you in my prayers! Take heart, though, there are marriages that reunite against all odds. My next door neighbors when I was growing up were a perfect example. They had married at 18 as high school sweethearts. She left him with 3 kids and small-town scandal at 24. She took up with the former baseball coach, a married man, and the two got out of town before her husband even read the note saying she couldn’t stay and that she’d found “the love of her life.” He didn’t even have a chance to try to talk her out of it. The divorce papers arrived one day, but he never signed. He just quietly accepted the situation, and never said an ill word about her. After all the town gossips tired of talking about his wife and the coach, slowly “available” women began to show up in various ways. Neighbors invited him over to dinner, and just happened to invite their niece, who was unmarried and looking. His boss recommended he visit the local singles night events, and the secretary at work brought lots of home-cooked meals to his house in an attempt to win the role of “new mommy” to his kids. Friends offered to set him up. His mother told him to “be realistic, and consider his options.” He politely but firmly reminded folks that he was a married man.

He began diligently praying for his wife a few years later. By the time he was 30, he was going to daily mass and offering it for his wife and for the reunion of his family. He spent at least an hour a week in adoration. He said he “found peace, and a new understanding of the cross” during that year and the next. When he was 31, he offered several Lenten sacrifices for his wife and prayed for her almost unceasingly. He felt like it was a lost cause, but that anything was possible through God. He longed for her to come home. His children grew up knowing that their mother was a good woman who loved them, and hearing fond stories of the mom and dad’s courtship and marriage. They missed their mom, but they weren’t bitter because their dad was a loving example of forgiveness. They never heard from her, but on Easter, which also happened to be his 32nd birthday, she showed up on the doorstep and begged for forgiveness. They wept and talked for hours, and the whole family welcomed her back with open arms. They are in their late 60s now, and have grandchildren, and are happily and joyously married. He sees every day with her as a gift God gave him and his children, and she loves her husband with a deeper and more powerful love than any other wife I know.

My parents’ story is very different. Neither prayed, and both were bitter. It cascaded to us children, and healing and forgiveness were embraced by the children, and later our parents. They’ll never reconcile, and they don’t want to. They have a non-sacramental view of their marriage and divorce, and it has deeply affected us kids. I pray for every child whose parents walk away from each other or fail to love one another. I try to be a loving influence for the children in my church and neighborhood who come from broken or single-parent families because they always seem to need a little extra attention and affection.

I pray that you will get through this difficult time, and that you will continue to love your wife and leave the door open for her. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s Christ-like. Try prayer, fasting,forgiveness, and loving her in every way you can think of. She was your wife on your wedding day, today, tomorrow, and every day. Redeem her and win her love! Embrace and live Ephesians 5:25. 🙂 It might not be easy, but I promise it will be the best thing for your kids and your soul, even in the hardest times.
 
God_is_merciful said:
I pray that you will get through this difficult time, and that you will continue to love your wife and leave the door open for her. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s Christ-like. Try prayer, fasting,forgiveness, and loving her in every way you can think of. She was your wife on your wedding day, today, tomorrow, and every day. Redeem her and win her love! Embrace and live Ephesians 5:25. 🙂 It might not be easy, but I promise it will be the best thing for your kids and your soul, even in the hardest times.
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God_is_merciful, I am glad that as your first post, you chose to relay those two stories. They couldn’t have been more different, and they served to make a very good point for the need for Faithfulness to a marriage and to God. Thank you for sharing your stories. 🙂
 
That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.
God_is_merciful said:
What a difficult situation for you and your kids - I will keep you in my prayers! Take heart, though, there are marriages that reunite against all odds. My next door neighbors when I was growing up were a perfect example. They had married at 18 as high school sweethearts. She left him with 3 kids and small-town scandal at 24. She took up with the former baseball coach, a married man, and the two got out of town before her husband even read the note saying she couldn’t stay and that she’d found “the love of her life.” He didn’t even have a chance to try to talk her out of it. The divorce papers arrived one day, but he never signed. He just quietly accepted the situation, and never said an ill word about her. After all the town gossips tired of talking about his wife and the coach, slowly “available” women began to show up in various ways. Neighbors invited him over to dinner, and just happened to invite their niece, who was unmarried and looking. His boss recommended he visit the local singles night events, and the secretary at work brought lots of home-cooked meals to his house in an attempt to win the role of “new mommy” to his kids. Friends offered to set him up. His mother told him to “be realistic, and consider his options.” He politely but firmly reminded folks that he was a married man.

He began diligently praying for his wife a few years later. By the time he was 30, he was going to daily mass and offering it for his wife and for the reunion of his family. He spent at least an hour a week in adoration. He said he “found peace, and a new understanding of the cross” during that year and the next. When he was 31, he offered several Lenten sacrifices for his wife and prayed for her almost unceasingly. He felt like it was a lost cause, but that anything was possible through God. He longed for her to come home. His children grew up knowing that their mother was a good woman who loved them, and hearing fond stories of the mom and dad’s courtship and marriage. They missed their mom, but they weren’t bitter because their dad was a loving example of forgiveness. They never heard from her, but on Easter, which also happened to be his 32nd birthday, she showed up on the doorstep and begged for forgiveness. They wept and talked for hours, and the whole family welcomed her back with open arms. They are in their late 60s now, and have grandchildren, and are happily and joyously married. He sees every day with her as a gift God gave him and his children, and she loves her husband with a deeper and more powerful love than any other wife I know.

My parents’ story is very different. Neither prayed, and both were bitter. It cascaded to us children, and healing and forgiveness were embraced by the children, and later our parents. They’ll never reconcile, and they don’t want to. They have a non-sacramental view of their marriage and divorce, and it has deeply affected us kids. I pray for every child whose parents walk away from each other or fail to love one another. I try to be a loving influence for the children in my church and neighborhood who come from broken or single-parent families because they always seem to need a little extra attention and affection.

I pray that you will get through this difficult time, and that you will continue to love your wife and leave the door open for her. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s Christ-like. Try prayer, fasting,forgiveness, and loving her in every way you can think of. She was your wife on your wedding day, today, tomorrow, and every day. Redeem her and win her love! Embrace and live Ephesians 5:25. 🙂 It might not be easy, but I promise it will be the best thing for your kids and your soul, even in the hardest times.
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I guess the best advice for this kind of situation is to just ignore her. The only thing that I see is that she is trying to get your attention or take advantage of you. Don’t let that happen.

If things get worse then just take her to court and solve all of your legal issues. Let nothing stop you from maintaining you loyalty to the Catholic Church. Other than that expect the best and don’t loose hope. Assure that you get plenty of rest and sleep and handle your problems one by one and not everything put together. May God bless you and watch over you. Amen
 
God forbid a woman do that to me, I would probably kill her and her “lover”. I am a passionate and vengeful lover. I won’t put up with cheating, now I mean cheating when it’s a casual thing is one thing but when someone makes a commitment like that, there is absolutely no excuse. If you don’t want to be with me you can divorce me, but don’t you dare cheat on me.
 
Dear all, who have posted to this thread, I am deeply moved an overwhelmend by the response I have been given. Thank you so much! Besides the comfort of the sacraments and the spiritual assistance that our kind parish priest has provided me, your posts were the most important help that I have received so far.

Thanks Winter Warlock for letting me know that I am not the only man with this particular cross layed upon him. I in return will mind you in my prayers. Thanks TheRealJulian for the URLs and to reminding me again that I have to put our kids first even though this may deprive me of ways to make my wife’s choice uncomfortable to herself. Thanks Trishie and joanofarc2008 for you prayers and thanks timotheos for your account. Yes indeed, „not a bad person but very very confused“ are exactly the words that would currrently describe my wife too. Thanks faithsmind for our openess. I will look into Hosea, but I am not prepared to let her go just like that, not just because of me or my sons but also because of her. My vow that I am determined to keep, binds me to keeping my doors open for her, always.

The story of Gov. Daniels was very uplifting for me, thank styrgwillidar for that. I am not from the U.S. so I did not know this. Yes we do get counselling, but unfortunatelly that has evolved into the project of therapizing me into the modern divorce-society, which I am, however, determined not to to enter. I am not going to sign any papers. So the story that God_is_merciful has related in post #9 was perhaps the most important I ever read or heard on this entire topic. I came to the conclusion before that it is so important that I never talk bad of my wife in front of the kids (and – short of taking blame – in front of anyone else), but now I am aware more clearly that the moral reason for that is also very much a practical one. And thanks for pointing me to Eph. 5:25. I am determined to follow this path and the strength, both physical and spiritual, to do so is the one thing that I probably should pray for most. For my wife has her free will, even if she is abusing it, and for quite a while still she may keep looking the other way if some of gods angels come her way. I simply have to trust that she will eventually recognize one.

And finally, thanks thetruth0flife. Yes, some more sleep would be nice, but it is difficult. It’s as if my soul is scared of this awakening in the very early morning hours, when the world looks gloomiest, and therfore makes the body wait for exhaustion before allowing itself to sleep. I’ve heard that they are treating depression by keeping the patients from sleeping to some extent. Maybe sleepnessness a way for my system to keep me from becoming depressed in a clinical sense. Thank god I am not depressed, just distressed. I can work, although things go considerably slower, and I can take delight of every minute I am with my kids. I strangely seem to experience those moments of joy even more intense that I would have without this crisis. I very much live those hours as if they were my last.

For perhaps one should not allow personal misery to distort the judgement what suffering can mean. Quite early in the course of this crisis I visited the city where I once met my wife and lived the happiest years of my life. There is a big, beautiful and famous church, taken care of by Jesuit fathers, the church where I used to go to mass often. So as I went there again, I saw a couple, a bit older than me and with them was their teenange son. The boy was sitting in wheelchair, every limp strapped and an oxygen tube in his nose. I don’t know whether this is theologically sound, but when I saw them I thought – and keep thinking when my hours are darkest: May god answer to their prayers first.

Thanks again and please keep adding to this thread. God bless you
 
Do not let this change you. Do not let divorce/abandonment define you or bitterness overcome you. When my wife left me I decided I’m not a bitter person, that is not who I want to be so I won’t be. I won’t let the things I miss and don’t have in my life keep me from enjoying the things I do have. I try to look at each small thing I can appreciate- each morning I can kiss my children before leaving for work, each night I can tuck them into bed. The younger two are 13 and 16 and it will be all too short a time before that will be gone from my life. I can’t let obsessing over a lack of companionship steal the rest from me, keep me from noticing the miracles in my life.

Remember the good times as well as the bad. Don’t let the present take away the joy you had in the past. Remember things as they truly were vice casting them in today’s gloom and emotion. I have too few happy and joyous memories to be willing to sacrifice any.

Life is too short to be miserable. You’ll feel down at times, let yourself. Depression isn’t sadness it’s an inability to feel anything. Everyone’s life sucks at times, but nobody’s life ever sucks completely, just parts of it. Don’t dwell on those parts that you can’t control or change. Acknowledge them and then look to the wonderful things God has still granted you- the ability to laugh, to see your kids laugh and smile, to see at all to wonder at the flight of a bird, be awed by the magnificence of a single flower. Laugh loudly, love deeply, live well.

May God ever be with you to show you how to use the things you’ve learned and experienced to help others and find peace yourself.

ETA: Your happiest years may well lie ahead, not behind you.
 
What a beautiful response post to us from Hypo! Praise God!
When I say to “let her go”, I don’t mean to move on from your marriage vows. Not at all. But to move on from being bitter and dwelling on what has happened, feeling lost without her, and instead to finding a peace within yourself and a greater attachment to our Father. I guess a better word is “detachment”. This may seem like an unloving word, but it is a Christian word, since Jesus asks us to let go of everything that is earthly. Your marriage vows are not earthly… but there are aspects of your marriage that are. Look how so many of these people here have grown from spiritual strength, who have purified themselves and their love because of their commitment to their vows, because of this forced detachment! It’s ironic and quite beautiful.
Hosea was a story that gave greater meaning to the betrayal of his wife. The story compares it to God’s yearning for the Jewish people who betrayed Him. I guess I take comfort in it, because God has this same yearning. I’ve felt closer to Him in this story. I also remember there is a greater plan in this suffering, even though I don’t yet understand, but sometimes I see glimpses. keep on keepin’ on everyone! I am so thankful for you all.
 
I’m in a similar situation right now… Wife moved out leaving me with our three kids… Hasn’t filed for divorce, isn’t sure what she wants and has been lost and confused for some time now… The stories of reconciled marriage give one form of hope, which I too find consoling and affirming at times… but more than that, keeping focused on our one real hope gives me the greatest strength…

Like you and me, our wives have free-will. They are free to choose whatever path they desire. As can we. I’m not sure what my wife is choosing, what her objective or purpose is… She doesn’t want to talk to me about it and even if she did, I’m not sure how I would be able to help…

But, I can make my choices. I can stay focused on my purpose of loving God and getting myself and my children to heaven… And hope that letting Christ work through me will one day draw my wife back to her family… But, even if that doesn’t happen, I can be happy knowing that I am serving God the way He is calling me at this moment and that whatever the pain, suffering or struggles are that I face He is using it for good and when I feel sad, angry, alone, depressed, etc… that’s by my choice, my choice of excluding Him, looking to my self or the world and not to Him and how much He blesses me and loves me every moment I draw breath.

Keep your focus on God and your greatest source of hope, joy, and love: Christ suffering on the Cross. Remember what He endured for you and the promise He made. See how your suffering can bring you closer to Him, bring you closer to your children, make you a greater witness for Him, and help Him reach your wife or others… He sure doesn’t will this for you, but He will make sure that it leads to good… You just have to cooperate with Him.

I’ll be praying for your wife, for you, and for your kids.
 
Dear all, things have taken one more turn to the worse. My wife is going to move into an appartment with her “boy-friend” (a pathetic word for a married woman of 43 to apply to her lover of 48!). She is going to set up a children’s room there too, wanting to turn our once happy familiy into a patchwork mess. She is really out of her mind. What have I done to her other than not being exciting enough and unaware of the fact? She’s sort of bewitched, by her mid-life crisis, by comtemporary liberitarian ideology, by Rudolf Steiners insane ideas, or whatever.

What can I do? The wordly law is against me. The more I have to stick to the law of god? As some of you felicitously put: I have to resist to become bitter. That, I keep thinking, would be a first step down the slope into faithlessness and apostaty, wouldn’t it? I therefore must not engage myself in ingnoble chaffer, that in the end of the day does not make anybody happy other than some lawers. I have to put my children first, also above myself. They do need both parents - I cannot argue otherwise and at the same time codemn patchwork-family ideas. I have to act against the modernist wisdom, act asymmetrically: I love my wife and got to keep my vows, despite she doesn’t.

This relationship of hers is not going to work out anyway, though it may take some years and afterwards pride may bar her the way back to me. I am sure there are cases, lots of them. I have to be there nevertheless. I trust that god does not lay a cross on me that I am not able to bear. But I sometimes, often, may not feel like being able to bear it. That, and the feelings of anger and sinful thoughts of revenge, is what I have to fight most.

Saint Josef, foster-father of our Lord, pray for me and anybody in a similar situation, Saint Mary mother of god, Holy Virgin, pray for us, Saint Thomas More, pray for us, Saint Sebastian pray for us, Saint Mary of Magdalene, pray for us, Saint Augustine, pray for us, Saint Anselm of Canterbury, pray for us, Saint Philipp Howard Arundel pray for us. And if anybody else who reads this will remember us in hers or his prayers, that would be very much appreciated.
 
Thank you for the update, however sad and tragic it is…I am so sorry that you are going through this, and more importantly, that your kids will go through it along with you.

😦
 
Hypomenontos said:
But I sometimes, often, may not feel like being able to bear it. That, and the feelings of anger and sinful thoughts of revenge, is what I have to fight most.
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This is the very, very most tempting thing entirely. I commend you in fighting them to the max!! If you act on them, you … will … lose. Protecting your dignity as a husband and father is difficult enough now and in the future. Protecting your true dignity has nothing to do with exacting revenge, and if you do you will ironically sacrifice it.

I also pray to St. Anthony, who has also been listed as a saint for troubled marriages.

Hang in there. Life is too short to reject the trials God sends your way. This one may be the crucial one that teaches you real submission to God’s will, and helps gain you eternity with Him (at least that’s what I tell myself).
 
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