I know I’m posting quite alot, but there’s much I feel I need to reply too, so:
You can’t lose what you choose to keep
I love that you wrote this line. It strikes me as particularly true at this point, because I realize there is little way I could be lost to God completely if I am still seeking Him. I never actually considered that I had so much control over this as before. I always considered my faith lost, with my unable to control it being taken from me. Thanks for pointing this out. I needed to hear it from someone other than myself before I could believe it. I felt I might just be disillusioning myself and having faith when there was really no hope.
Now I realised my weakness for these things, and without Jesus, I could not live these things out.
Exactly. It’s almost a tangible pull, isn’t it? And I realize they must be some sort of addiction as well…Not tarot cards in my case, but Astrology. I have a sort of dependancy on it, because despite skepticism, if casted properly, an astrological chart is accurate in a way that only applies to the individual at hand. And because it works, I feel some sort of knowledge will be taken away if I give it up. By relying on it, I’m giving up my own judgement and freedom, as I’m allowing myself to be controlled.Still, I can’t seem to let go. And I can rationalize why they should be considered O.K.
My thoughts on the matter are this (and please, feel free to correct me):
The heavens (stars and planets in this case) were created by God. As such, God controls and dictates their movements, their influence. Why is respecting the knowledge one of God’s creations can give wrong? If I do not worship said knowledge, if I do not serve it moreso then God, I do not see where it could be an issue. Because God controls their movement and influence, isn’t trusting in the information said movements/influence can give really trusting in God? I do not believe they can ever be more right than God, but they can give indication. Other forms of divination I’m not sure about, simply because the information comes from unknown sources.
But, I could easily be wrong, and by the same token, can think of several reasons why astrology should not be used, but not because it is evil to do so.
This is not a dilemma. This is extreme spiritual peril, pure and simple. This is how people end up in hell
This is what I was afraid of.
The fact that you’ve come to the CA forums seems to indicate that you do not just want to abandon Catholicism; you want help!
Very much so. I’ve realized that if I keep coming back to Catholicism, I must have found something in it worthy of my time and investigation. What should be apparent to myself is that the issues I have with it really don’t have anything to do with it at all. It’s my issue with myself. Why can’t I control these urges? Why do I continually put myself first, and act selfishly? Honestly, I think it’s a defense mechanism from my childhood. I can’t be hurt if I care only about myself, can I?
The realisation came, when, I began to listen to God. And i mean PROPERLY listen to God. Just sitting there in silent prayer and feeling his presence.
I rarely if ever have done this. I’m simply too impatient. I mean, I’m not using that as an excuse, I just mean that I never have had the patience. God could have been joyous that I was sincerely praying at all, but I expect Him to listen to me, but not myself to listen to Him. In my relationship with Christ, it has always been about “taking” and never “giving”. And when it was about repentance, it was only because I was in the middle of a sort of emotional breakdown and feared God and Hell so much (because I believed I was guilty of mortal sin, when a trusted priest has told me I was not) I would literally cry myself to sleep many nights. I believed I was going to Hell, and my fear is what drove me to listen. If I really listened at all. This bothers me most because a relationship with God isn’t about fear, but love.
(My next post will be my last for today)