About To Lose Everything-Please Give Assistance

[Al_Masetti]

Keep your Rosary Beads in your pocket all the time. And start off with constant Hail Mary’s. And if there is a church convenient to your daily routine, stop off there before class or before heading home and say the Rosary.

I found after a few days / weeks, Mary was more real to me than my own mother. And I found myself calmer and found it easier to deal with things.

 

[AScottishSpirit]

Trust me, the priest HAS HEARD IT ALL. You aren’t the first and won’t be the last. All these sins you don’t want to mention- obviously they are weighing on you. Unload them on the priest, on Jesus. Please!

Once more, I had a response much like this (I’m so glad I’ve been getting great advice from both sites! It means alot ) I’ll copy my reply here…

I myself am so terrified of Confession that I don’t know if I’ll ever go. With my tendency to rationalize away the good as well as the bad, I could easily convince myself there is no reason to do so. Or perhaps to make a partial Confession. But I have never felt good after a Confession I have not participated in whole. It’s dishonest to God, and so bothers me consistently for quite a time after I have done so. Also, a lack of confessing makes me fear death. What would I do if I were to die before finding my way back to Christ? I could go to Hell if that were to happen. And selfish me, I’ll pray for a life long enough to find God before I die, but say only a few rushed lines thanking Him and asking for His guidance. My prayers have almost always been more about using Him for what I want, or attempting to do so anyway.

What you have been fooling around with and the feelings it has left on your heart and soul will lead you farther and farther into sin and despair, not into power and excitement, as Satan would have you believe.

I wrote a response to a statement a lot like this on Lifeteen, and it was written when I was feeling particularly reflective, and as such, it came out being fairly honest:

The convenience of paganism did not even become a consideration of mine until I had already begun to practice it. Prior, I really had no wish to forego the laws of God. I suppose acquiring such a desire was the first way Paganism began to change me for the worst. As I write this, I think I may be beginning to realize that Paganism, far from being ineffectual, really did cause further harm to my character. However much I may have liked to deny it to those who tried to warn me it probably would.

As you can probably tell, I completely agree with what you have said, and I suppose this could mean that I am perhaps still recovering (I hope!) I am only just beginning to realize it.

Maybe it’s because you are around too many conflicting messages in the secular culture. Maybe it’s because you haven’t found a good, solid circle of practicing Catholic friends.

I have to agree with you on my influences. I have exactly one good Christian friend. I used to attend CYO with her. But she is really the only one who supports Catholicism. My other friends…I love them, but I have one who, if anything, is Pagan, another who is “Agnostic” (but she was thinking of looking into Catholicism…but now she thinks I’m not apart of the Church anymore because I told her my plans on leaving before I thought I would try to recieve some help), a few Atheists, and most, if not all, actually contragulated me on leaving the Church. The one who was considering to be Catholic is worried because she doesn’t like to be preached to, and she feels like this Church might. My friends, though decent people, really are not a good influence on Christianity (and some are even quite proud of it), so I really do feel I have to say I agree with you: I am not around, at any time, a circle of solid Catholics. Quite the opposite in fact, not only in their speech, but also in their actions…It makes me sad, somehow, to think that on a few of them at least, I may have had a serious negative impact on them.

 

[AScottishSpirit]

I know I’m posting quite alot, but there’s much I feel I need to reply too, so:

You can’t lose what you choose to keep

I love that you wrote this line. It strikes me as particularly true at this point, because I realize there is little way I could be lost to God completely if I am still seeking Him. I never actually considered that I had so much control over this as before. I always considered my faith lost, with my unable to control it being taken from me. Thanks for pointing this out. I needed to hear it from someone other than myself before I could believe it. I felt I might just be disillusioning myself and having faith when there was really no hope.

Now I realised my weakness for these things, and without Jesus, I could not live these things out.

Exactly. It’s almost a tangible pull, isn’t it? And I realize they must be some sort of addiction as well…Not tarot cards in my case, but Astrology. I have a sort of dependancy on it, because despite skepticism, if casted properly, an astrological chart is accurate in a way that only applies to the individual at hand. And because it works, I feel some sort of knowledge will be taken away if I give it up. By relying on it, I’m giving up my own judgement and freedom, as I’m allowing myself to be controlled.Still, I can’t seem to let go. And I can rationalize why they should be considered O.K.

My thoughts on the matter are this (and please, feel free to correct me):
The heavens (stars and planets in this case) were created by God. As such, God controls and dictates their movements, their influence. Why is respecting the knowledge one of God’s creations can give wrong? If I do not worship said knowledge, if I do not serve it moreso then God, I do not see where it could be an issue. Because God controls their movement and influence, isn’t trusting in the information said movements/influence can give really trusting in God? I do not believe they can ever be more right than God, but they can give indication. Other forms of divination I’m not sure about, simply because the information comes from unknown sources.
But, I could easily be wrong, and by the same token, can think of several reasons why astrology should not be used, but not because it is evil to do so.

This is not a dilemma. This is extreme spiritual peril, pure and simple. This is how people end up in hell

This is what I was afraid of.

The fact that you’ve come to the CA forums seems to indicate that you do not just want to abandon Catholicism; you want help!

Very much so. I’ve realized that if I keep coming back to Catholicism, I must have found something in it worthy of my time and investigation. What should be apparent to myself is that the issues I have with it really don’t have anything to do with it at all. It’s my issue with myself. Why can’t I control these urges? Why do I continually put myself first, and act selfishly? Honestly, I think it’s a defense mechanism from my childhood. I can’t be hurt if I care only about myself, can I?

The realisation came, when, I began to listen to God. And i mean PROPERLY listen to God. Just sitting there in silent prayer and feeling his presence.

I rarely if ever have done this. I’m simply too impatient. I mean, I’m not using that as an excuse, I just mean that I never have had the patience. God could have been joyous that I was sincerely praying at all, but I expect Him to listen to me, but not myself to listen to Him. In my relationship with Christ, it has always been about “taking” and never “giving”. And when it was about repentance, it was only because I was in the middle of a sort of emotional breakdown and feared God and Hell so much (because I believed I was guilty of mortal sin, when a trusted priest has told me I was not) I would literally cry myself to sleep many nights. I believed I was going to Hell, and my fear is what drove me to listen. If I really listened at all. This bothers me most because a relationship with God isn’t about fear, but love.

(My next post will be my last for today)

 

[AScottishSpirit]

What Catholicism validated what I had in Wicca, was the sacramental view of the world and our lives; Jesus has given us beauty in this world, from the stars in the sky to the sunrises in the morning.

This is one of the things I missed most about Paganism: the idea that the beauty in Nature is all a part of Sacred Divinity. It was difficult for me to imagine that Catholicism really does teach the same thing. The amount of emphasis, I suppose, may really be the only difference. I’m glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels this way about the beauty in the world.

Confession is necessary, but you need extra time to talks these matters over with a priest. Please don’t be embarassed, it is talking to Jesus, whose heart is overflowing with love for you.

Yes, but the Priest is also a seperate person, and I fear he might become angry with the idea that I could believe these things, think myself to be so far above the need for salvation, for religion. This is such an excess of pride…What if he personally doesn’t like me, and becomes harsh? I really cannot stand confrontations. If he becomes standoffish…I just have a hard time believing that he could feel anything but offended at how I can be. What if he thinks I’m simply too prideful to ever amount to anything? I know this sounds extreme, but this fear of judgement is really what has kept me from talking to a Priest in the past.

 

[Princess_Abby]

AScottishSpirit:

This is one of the things I missed most about Paganism: the idea that the beauty in Nature is all a part of Sacred Divinity. It was difficult for me to imagine that Catholicism really does teach the same thing. The amount of emphasis, I suppose, may really be the only difference. I’m glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels this way about the beauty in the world.

Yes, but the Priest is also a seperate person, and I fear he might become angry with the idea that I could believe these things, think myself to be so far above the need for salvation, for religion. This is such an excess of pride…What if he personally doesn’t like me, and becomes harsh? I really cannot stand confrontations. If he becomes standoffish…I just have a hard time believing that he could feel anything but offended at how I can be. What if he thinks I’m simply too prideful to ever amount to anything? I know this sounds extreme, but this fear of judgement is really what has kept me from talking to a Priest in the past.

Would you be willing to call a priest on the phone? I used to live in Philadelphia and the archdiocese had a daily hotline that was staffed by a group of priests who volunteer to answer during the week. It was purely anonymous and anyone could call and talk about anything on their heart. It’s always kept confidential. If phone lines are busy, you can leave whatever name you like with a telephone number, and they’ll call you back–or, you can try back yourself, later. Maybe you could talk to him about your fears regarding confession, the sacraments and where your spiritual life is going.

The hours of the phone line are Mon-Fri 9:00am-7:30pm east coast time. The phone number is 1-877-Bless-Me

Please consider calling! It’s toll free.

 

[AquinasXVI]

Lost Soul:

There is nothing in Paganism that will trump God. All that you think you’ll miss, he will replace with Truth, Goodness and Beauty.

Cor Mundum Crea In Me Deus.
A Clean Heart Create in Me O God.

Feel free to repeat this in Latin or English as often as you need.

in XT.

 

[Rebecca_New]

Read all the responses you have gotten and ask yourself, “Is this not love?” We are all praying for you, and I am sure you will find your way back into the arms of Jesus, Our Merciful Redeemer.

 

[masondoggy]

AScottishSpirit:

I have to agree with you on my influences. I have exactly one good Christian friend. I used to attend CYO with her. But she is really the only one who supports Catholicism. My other friends…I love them, but I have one who, if anything, is Pagan, another who is “Agnostic” (but she was thinking of looking into Catholicism…but now she thinks I’m not apart of the Church anymore because I told her my plans on leaving before I thought I would try to recieve some help), a few Atheists, and most, if not all, actually contragulated me on leaving the Church. The one who was considering to be Catholic is worried because she doesn’t like to be preached to, and she feels like this Church might. My friends, though decent people, really are not a good influence on Christianity (and some are even quite proud of it), so I really do feel I have to say I agree with you: I am not around, at any time, a circle of solid Catholics. Quite the opposite in fact, not only in their speech, but also in their actions…It makes me sad, somehow, to think that on a few of them at least, I may have had a serious negative impact on them.

This may be hard to hear, but maybe it’s time to find a new group of friends to hang out with. You will never find Christ when you surround yourself with people who detest him. Try getting involved with a Catholic youth group or volunteering for a Catholic charity. You NEED to find a group of Christian friends!

This doesn’t mean you have to end friendships, but it does mean you need to limit your contact with these friends of yours while you are struggling with this. You are weak right now and the last thing you need is any more outside influences dragging you in the wrong direction. Take care of your Faith first, and then when your Faith is strong and unshakable, go back to those people and work on being a light to them.

Make sure you begin each day by saying a prayer to the Blessed Mother and ask her to lead you to her son…and she WILL bring you closer to Him!

 

[mercygate]

Lost Scott: are you saying that you were sexually abused by your father at age 9?

 

[E.E.N.S]

lost_soul:

And here is the rest…

And that is my dilemma. I’m not sure how serious it actually is, but for me, it seems to be an extremely perilous situation to be in spiritually, and that is why I feel the need to acquire as much assistance on the matter as possible. All replies will be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the length of the post, but felt you might need a little background information to recieve a clearer view of what my dilemma really is. Thank you for you time.

Much Love,
~Adele MacRae~

A few words of advice:

1. Suck it up and see a priest - your soul is on the line!
2. Read the Saints (maybe start with Padre Pio, giving the situation.)
3. Strive towards holiness! - there is plenty of spirituallity on this side as well.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Did anyone mention finding a Spiritual Director if we don’t already have some?

I think some of the reasons people get fascinated with wrong religions is that they seem to be lacking “transformational” spirituality, which often can be helped by having a spiritual director who can help show those parts of the church that aren’t about “knowledge” learning as much as matters of the heart and soul. The Church, and the saints as has been mentioned, are rich with these sorts of “mysticism” which is nothing spooky – “mystical theology” is actual the “science of love” and nobody does it better than the Catholic Church. I think people turn to these other things sometimes they don’t even know what they are missing in the True Church.

Alan

 

[AScottishSpirit]

mercygate:

Lost Scott: are you saying that you were sexually abused by your father at age 9?

Not by my father.

 

[mercygate]

AScottishSpirit:

Not by my father.

Ah ha. No matter whether it was your father or someone else, I hope you can break through your resistance to opening this matter in an appropriate setting, not necessarily with a priest but with someone who is specifically trained to handle these things, and the long, troubling aftermath . . . including the guilt and the addiction and which you mention above (that need not be named here, because we know what it ist).

Your sense of shame is your biggest enemy. Your venture into the occult very likely was an attempt to take control of something you can barely admit to.

Beloved: you are not alone. I pray that you will find the courage to step forward to free yourself of this. You are made for love and freedom, not for fear and guilt. Only the truth can make you free – and his name is Jesus.

 

[jimmy]

lost_soul:

And here is the rest…

And that is my dilemma. I’m not sure how serious it actually is, but for me, it seems to be an extremely perilous situation to be in spiritually, and that is why I feel the need to acquire as much assistance on the matter as possible. All replies will be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the length of the post, but felt you might need a little background information to recieve a clearer view of what my dilemma really is. Thank you for you time.

Much Love,
~Adele MacRae~

Your description of your temptations are not unique to you. Each and every one of us goes through temptations that are tough to break. Your mentioning of being tempted and not wanting to be helped is also very typical. I can attest to it. I have had this problem in my past. You get tempted and all you want to do is submit, and you want no part of faith. After submitting to the sin, later when you are thinking more clearly, you regret falling to sin and you desire to quit.

My advice is, when you are thinking more clearly, get rid of anything that may be a temptation later when you may be tempted, even though you know you will be mad later. As soon as you feel the slightest of a temptation, just close your eyes and say this prayer, “Jesus Christ, only Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” While you say this prayer concentrate on the indwelling of Christ in your soul. Repeat this prayer over and over while concentrating on Christ dwelling in your soul.

We all feel tempted at times to sin or we don’t want to be devoted at times. But we must fight the temptations and work toward greater devotion.

 

[AScottishSpirit]

masondoggy:

This may be hard to hear, but maybe it’s time to find a new group of friends to hang out with. You will never find Christ when you surround yourself with people who detest him. Try getting involved with a Catholic youth group or volunteering for a Catholic charity. You NEED to find a group of Christian friends!

This doesn’t mean you have to end friendships, but it does mean you need to limit your contact with these friends of yours while you are struggling with this. You are weak right now and the last thing you need is any more outside influences dragging you in the wrong direction. Take care of your Faith first, and then when your Faith is strong and unshakable, go back to those people and work on being a light to them.

Make sure you begin each day by saying a prayer to the Blessed Mother and ask her to lead you to her son…and she WILL bring you closer to Him!

The problem with this is I know very few good Christians and many of them are anti-Catholic, for the reason that they do not understand what the Church is really about and as such rely on their own haste judgement to see them through. They aren’t interested in hearing about the truth of the Church because they believe it to be idoltry (sp?). The Catholics that I do know, with the exception of the girl I used to go to CYO with, are not really Catholic at all: they spend most of their free time drinking and doing other things of the sort, and these are the usual attendees of our youth group. We live in a small community and as such, there really is a fairly severe lack of loyalty to Catholicism, although a majority of our community still claim to be Catholic. But I would be willing to accompany the same girl as before to CYO, and see how it goes. I was planning on rejoining before, and then began to doubt again and so never followed through with the plans. This same person has also encouraged me to go to youth group with her, and so is obviously a good influence.

Even if I lack the faith to want to go by the time Wednesday comes around, I’ll do my best to go so as to remain loyal to the suggestions all of you have given, in that way making an effort on my part as well.

I think some of the reasons people get fascinated with wrong religions is that they seem to be lacking “transformational” spirituality

By “transformational”, do you mean they may agree on a rational and logical level with the faith but have not yet converted emotionally? If I am right, and this is what you meant, I’m sure that my greatest difficulty in becoming a practicing Catholic is because I lack conversion of both the heart and mind, and because the conversion on my part is incomplete, it is considerably weakened. This may be, of course, exactly what you were conveying to me, and I apologize if I have simply repeated the message of your post.

Did anyone mention finding a Spiritual Director if we don’t already have some?

I like the idea of having one, but worry about how and where I would find a spiritual director? Especially one who would take the time with someone who has as much difficulty in faith as I do? I’m not sure if I could find one in my area with that sort of patience. I do, however, like the idea of finding one. If you have any ideas on how I might, please let me know.

Read all the responses you have gotten and ask yourself, “Is this not love?” We are all praying for you, and I am sure you will find your way back into the arms of Jesus, Our Merciful Redeemer.

I realize how much patience and concern must go into these posts, and thank everyone who has lent their much needed advice and support thus far. I don’t think I would be able to maintain my faith at this point if not for recieving such assistance, and would like to say thank you to anyone who has or does post here in the most sincere of ways.

Love Always and From,
Sheena Adele

 

[AScottishSpirit]

mercygate:

to handle these things, and the long, troubling aftermath . . .

It has also left me with a penchant toward self-destructiveness that often manifests into a form of extremitism as it comes to self-affliction.
merctgate:

Your sense of shame is your biggest enemy. Your venture into the occult very likely was an attempt to take control of something you can barely admit to.

That was exactly why I chose to go into the occult. The main reason I am drawn so strongly toward the occult and why I am still unable to pull away completely is because it is not only my fascination with the darker aspects of spirituality which draws me, but also a deep and abiding emotional attachment simply because my reason for going into the occult is bound tightly to the emotional effect of the event.

I know these are fairly serious issues, and apologize if I’ve been overwhelming with the information I’ve provided in my posts. Just let me know if I have.

God Bless,
Sheena Adele

 

[mercygate]

AScottishSpirit:

It has also left me with a penchant toward self-destructiveness that often manifests into a form of extremitism as it comes to self-affliction.

That was exactly why I chose to go into the occult. The main reason I am drawn so strongly toward the occult and why I am still unable to pull away completely is because it is not only my fascination with the darker aspects of spirituality which draws me, but also a deep and abiding emotional attachment simply because my reason for going into the occult is bound tightly to the emotional effect of the event.

I know these are fairly serious issues, and apologize if I’ve been overwhelming with the information I’ve provided in my posts. Just let me know if I have.

God Bless,
Sheena Adele

Sheena, these are VERY serious issues. They need professional help, and you seem to know that. And you know also that your delving into the occult can at best be merely a distraction, an entertainment, a compulsive behavior that will give you *nothing *in return. At worst it can lead you straight into the arms of Satan.

Who in your immediate adult circle is able to help you? If you go to a priest you could start with the self-affliction issue as an ice-breaker. As you build trust you can go into the other stuff. But you need hands-on help: not just prayer. Might not hurt to go to the Blessed Sacrament and pour your heart out there. Ask for the Lord’s protection: he’s had some experience with opposing Satan.

Cyber hug comin’ atcha.

 

[AScottishSpirit]

mercygate:

Sheena, these are VERY serious issues. They need professional help, and you seem to know that.

Other than my spiritual peril, I’ve improved noticeably on my own since last year: Do I really need to see a professional if I continue to make marked improvements? You see, because I am not eighteen, my parents would have to be alerted to any professional counseling I recieve, and I have worked tirelessly, literally since this happened, to keep all emotions private. They would never have known if my mother had not discovered me crying about it, and even then I made the attempt to keep it from them. I made them promise they could not report it to the police, and that they would not send me to a counselor. I am not even certain we could afford one at the current moment. Could I not seek help on my eighteenth birthday, when I can locate free/low cost services without my parents’ knowledge?

Who in your immediate adult circle is able to help you?

I smile wryly at this, for the above reasons, and because I have no other adults who are close enough to me that I could speak with about this. And none who would agree to keep it private between themselves and me. They would, by obligation, alert my parents to my having spoken with them.

If you go to a priest you could start with the self-affliction issue as an ice-breaker. As you build trust you can go into the other stuff.

I had planned on doing this. I’m not sure on an exact date, but am setting one. I thought perhaps I could begin by calling the hotline
PrincessAbby gave me. It would not be in person, but it would be a start and perhaps make it easier to speak with a priest in person after I have broken the barrier of not speaking at all. I would set a second date to talk with a priest from one of my local churches. Being that writing has been a source of self-expression for me since I was young, I’ve thought I could write down what I want to say, and that will help it to run smoother. Even if I don’t act according to plan, I am at least seriously considering speaking with a priest, whereas before coming here I would not have. For that I have all of you to thank.

But you need hands-on help: not just prayer. Cyber hug comin’ atcha

Hands-on help…:smiles wryly again:. I suppose we shall see…but I cannot at this moment give any guarantees, although yes, you are right, I do know that I need it
:Hugs mercygate in return: (lol )

~~~Sheena Adele~~~

 

[masondoggy]

AScottishSpirit:

The problem with this is I know very few good Christians and many of them are anti-Catholic, for the reason that they do not understand what the Church is really about and as such rely on their own haste judgement to see them through. They aren’t interested in hearing about the truth of the Church because they believe it to be idoltry (sp?). The Catholics that I do know, with the exception of the girl I used to go to CYO with, are not really Catholic at all: they spend most of their free time drinking and doing other things of the sort, and these are the usual attendees of our youth group. We live in a small community and as such, there really is a fairly severe lack of loyalty to Catholicism, although a majority of our community still claim to be Catholic. But I would be willing to accompany the same girl as before to CYO, and see how it goes. I was planning on rejoining before, and then began to doubt again and so never followed through with the plans. This same person has also encouraged me to go to youth group with her, and so is obviously a good influence.

Even if I lack the faith to want to go by the time Wednesday comes around, I’ll do my best to go so as to remain loyal to the suggestions all of you have given, in that way making an effort on my part as well.

Even if there aren’t necessarily a lot of “good” Catholics around, your better off surrounding yourself with “lost” Catholic/Christian kids, than kids who are actively dabbling with the occult. Stick with the girl from your youth group and stay away from the kids in your life who might tempt you.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

AScottishSpirit:

I like the idea of having one, but worry about how and where I would find a spiritual director? Especially one who would take the time with someone who has as much difficulty in faith as I do? I’m not sure if I could find one in my area with that sort of patience. I do, however, like the idea of finding one. If you have any ideas on how I might, please let me know.

In our diocese, we are very fortunate to have a "Spiritual Life Center from where many diocesan programs are conducted. There I was able to call and set an appointment. You might call the chancery office of your diocese (might find it under yellow pages under churches-Catholic perhaps) and seeing if they have anyone who provides that service and ask to make an appointment. You will soon know if it’s a good person for you to work with.

Alan