Absolutely losing it

[sjh331]

First of all, take a deep breath. I’ll go out on a limb here and say that God has not abandoned you; how could it be that God could be less long-suffering than you are? You’re still trying, he’s still trying.

I was not raised Catholic, so I can empathize with how it feels to approach the Catholic Church from the outside. Feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you just want a convert’s perspective.

Here’s how I see your situation from a Catholic perspective: since you are not yet officially Catholic, you are not allowed to go to Confession yet. To the best of my knowledge, then, perfect contrition paired with the intention to go to Confession when you can is enough to absolve you of any mortal sins. Perfect contrition here means that you repent of your sins because you love God and intend not to do that sin again. (It does not have to be the most intense, fiery love for God you’ve ever felt; love for God is not primarily an emotion.)
From a Protestant perspective, repenting of your sins is enough to receive forgiveness; there’s no distinction made between mortal and venial sins. I remember asking my Protestant mother when I was young how I could go to heaven if I had only become a Christian because I was afraid of hell and wanted to go to heaven. She replied that if I had two dogs, one that obeyed me because it loved me and one that obeyed me because it wanted the treat, I would prefer the dogs obey out of love, but both would still get the treat if they obeyed me.
It seems that you’re “covered”, so to speak, under both sets of beliefs and everything in between. (Anyone please correct my theology if it’s wrong.)

My wonderful parish priest once pointed out how Satan’s whispering changes when we sin. Before we sin, while we’re being tempted, he tries to convince us that the sin is “not a big deal” and “won’t matter to God”. After we sin, how quickly that changes to hammering us with how awful we are, what a terrible atrocity that sin was, and how God must hate us now. The voice of Christ after we sin is the one inviting us (even pleading with us) to come home. I don’t know if that helps, but it has helped me a lot to recognize that hate-filled condemnation for what it is.

I agree with the other commenters that RCIA might be a good idea. It would give you a nice introduction to Catholicism and a chance to ask questions as they come to you.

You might also consider talking to a local priest about your thoughts. He would be able to advise you on how to tend to your spiritual needs while you’re searching. Be honest about how upset you are and where you stand. He should be able to give you advice more tailored to your situation.

tl;dr - Take heart, Christ has overcome the world. Consider talking to a priest about your concerns.

We’re praying for you!

 

[Bdonoho]

That was so helpful! Thank you so much guys!

 

[wcknight]

I think part of the problem is how you think God reacts to our sins. IF you think of God as a vengeful, short tempered God who is short on mercy, then you may fear the retribution that your sins may bring.

BUT God is not like that at all. God is Our Father, and a very good, gracious and merciful father. He knows ALL our weaknesses and faults, and He accepts us anyway. I think about my own kids, and they may make mistakes or not aways do the right thing, but I accept them no matter what because I love them unconditionally.

That is the way God is, only better and even more merciful. IF we humans who are flawed and sinful can forgive our own children, how can God, who is perfect and all good, do less ?

Say a sincere act of contrition as the last thing you do each evening. That is more than enough.

I think you also have too loose an idea of what is a mortal sin. Mortal sin, is a very serious offense, it must be done with full knowledge that it is seriously wrong, and it must be done deliberately, AND the sin itself must be seriously wrong not that you jsut think it is seriously wrong.

It is like deliberately spitting in the face of God with full knowledge and without being forced to do so.

Mortal sin cuts us off from Gods love, That is a very serious situation to be in, so it must take a very serious offense to do so.

 

[Bdonoho]

Thank you for your posts. These are significantly helpful. Upon praying to Jesus, I find myself very much like the hypocrites that opposed him. I have seen him as aloof and uncaring towards the majority of humanity (as a result of reading much of his words through a Calvinist lens). Upon praying to him, I realized it wasn’t him who was unloving to me, but I was unloving towards him.

Do any of you know of good prayers for healing one’s perception of Christ as being unloving (the cross would be an obvious focus, but sometimes I am still tormented by the possibility of the cross not being for me as a result of the preaching of the new calvinists.)

 

[fbl9]

Thank you for your posts. These are significantly helpful. Upon praying to Jesus, I find myself very much like the hypocrites that opposed him. I have seen him as aloof and uncaring towards the majority of humanity (as a result of reading much of his words through a Calvinist lens). Upon praying to him, I realized it wasn’t him who was unloving to me, but I was unloving towards him.

Do any of you know of good prayers for healing one’s perception of Christ as being unloving (the cross would be an obvious focus, but sometimes I am still tormented by the possibility of the cross not being for me as a result of the preaching of the new calvinists.)

If only more of us could realize what you have stated here.

i too struggle with calvinistic teachings, especially being one of the probate.
i can’t offer anything in way of prayers. i do remind myself who really wants me damned, and it isn’t the one who died for me.