Absolution Withheld

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I think you have 2 problems.

One is that you keep falling into sin with your boyfriend, and you have not figured out how to avoid that.

You should seriously consider why that is --not to answer here, but to answer to yourself. Be honest. Does he make it difficult not to get into the situation where you fall? (That could indicate a troubling habit of control on his part and a troubling habit of submitting on yours–very unhealthy for a relationship!) Are you of two minds about the sin and relying on Confession to “get you out of trohble”? (That would be the sin of presumption.) Or is it something else?

The second is this odd confession. I am always wary if someone tells me not to tell someone else.

If I were in your shoes, after carefully considering the relationship and its problem of sin, I would go to another priest outside of confession, and explain what happened in a general way, and ask if that is kosher, because we random lay strangers on the internet do not know. If it is kosher, you have some decisions to make. If it is not, then ask the priest what should be done.
 
The priest is right, and you should follow his advice.
 
AlmaRedemptorisMater said:
The priest is right, and you should follow his advice.
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OK. And what if (hypothetically) the priest taught you something that you happen to know, directly conflicted with what the ‘Catechism’ said, on a matter of faith or morals? Do you still just say “the priest is right?” What are the limits to this?
 
Nihilo said:
o if extended engagements are supposed to prepare Catholics to have successful permanent marriages, and that is the trade-off we’re making, in creating a condition that very many Catholic couples stumble during, and commit grave communion-severing sin during, then I question that quote-unquote “wisdom.”
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Marriage is not a get out of jail free card for sex. It’s not the solution for people constantly having problems with being chaste with each other.
 
I know that. We should not lust, regardless. But does lust mean we shouldn’t marry, if we’re single, and we lust? We should not lust, and when we choose to stop lusting, then we should marry, right? Why else would we lust if we weren’t feeling called to marriage?
 
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How does one ‘happen to know’? And why should someone hold themselves or a community of laypeople on the internet as more of an expert on faith and morals than a priest?
 
Years ago I was advised by a priest in the confessional that it would be better to use contraception with my wife. He was a very ill-informed priest. By the grace of God I was already familiar with the true teaching of the Church and I never went to him again.

St Theresa of Avila was dedicated to the Sacrament of Confession but also warned her sisters that an inexperienced or poorly educated confessor can be a detriment, and a different confessor should be sought out…

http://www.catholicfirst.com/thefaith/catholicclassics/stteresa/way/wayofperfection04.html
You already know that the first stone of this foundation must be a good conscience and that you must make every effort to free yourselves from even venial sins and follow the greatest possible perfection. You might suppose that any confessor would know this, but you would be wrong: it happened that I had to go about matters of consciences to a man who had taken a complete course in theology; and he did me a great deal of mischief by telling me that certain things were of no importance. I know that he had no intention of deceiving me, or any reason for doing so: it was simply that he knew no better. And in addition to this instance I have met with two or three similar ones.
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As to the original poster, we do not know the entire situation. I do not know if his advice was good or bad. Certainly she should avoid near occasions of sin. Perhaps she is living with her boyfriend. Perhaps he is an atheist. The point is that we don’t know the entire situation. But the idea that we should not seek out a different confessor is concerning.
 
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Nihilo said:
Which is it. 'Can’t be both.
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I’m sorry, did my language confuse you? Didn’t realize that. To illustrate for you there is something called venial sin and mortal sin, now it is possible to commit both venial and mortal sins against purity.

I was just highlighting the gravity of the situation to hammer home the point of the situation.
 
OK. So how do you know what are the venial /light sins wrt lust /chastity? I can’t find them in the Catechism, all I find is grave matter. Is it just like “common sense,” or is there an objective standard somewhere?
 
I do not think it is very kind to pick on what @(name removed by moderator) said even if you disagree with it.

I am pretty sure you would not be happy if I mentioned your username and tried to make out your point was false.
 
I_trust said:
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But the idea that we should not seek out a different confessor is concerning.
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I just want to add my endorsement to the various posters who have said this.

If this priest were in some direct position of authority with the penitent the ban on getting a second opinion may be legitimate, but it seems very odd coming from a priest she had met once in a regular confessional.

As at least one person has said, the confessor is like a physician and sometimes it is prudent to get a second opinion.

If it were me and I decided to get a second opinion I would bring this up right at the start of the confession. Eg. “A priest I don’t know and only saw once withheld absolution from me and told me not to ask another priest, but I’ve decided to ask you anyway”.
 
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Chastity applies within marriage as well as without. Couples practicing chastity do get married and have children - no different to those who fall through temptation prior to marriage.
 
Fauken said:
Marriage is not a get out of jail free card for sex. It’s not the solution for people constantly having problems with being chaste with each other.
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As has been mentioned in this thread and in others where a couple is struggling with chastity in dating, the inability to hold to boundaries may be a warning against marriage. I know I should have seen that in my relationship with my ex- wife. ☹️
 
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All Priests have Superiors… Climb the ladder…

Assuming the Priest is a Diocesan Priest - ask the Bishop/Archbishop… If he’s in an order, ask his Provincial…

My thought is, you’re going to run into a difference of opinion upon talking to another Priest, who will likely forgive the concern.

As a lay person, I dont quite see the reason you think it is even sinful…

There is a huge difference between committing a sin and being tempted…

What you see to be calling an “occasion of sin” could be more like a temptation rather than actually executing the action (and, thus, committing the sin)…

Be careful with confession, please… St Faustina once commented on scrupulous Priests who can do more damage than good… St Theresa of Avila said similar things…

God’s Blessings to you!
 
Further thoughts:-

One other point I don’t think anyone has mentioned is the acceptance of the penance imposed. So was the temporary separtion of 3-6 mths to avoid the occasion of sinning the penance imposed or even part of the penance imposed?

CCC #1480 " Like all the sacraments, Penance is a liturgical action. The elements of the celebration are ordinarily these: a greeting and blessing from the priest, reading the word of God to illuminate the conscience and elicit contrition, and an exhortation to repentance; the confession, which acknowledges sins and makes them known to the priest; the imposition and acceptance of a penance; the priest’s absolution; a prayer of thanksgiving and praise and dismissal with the blessing of the priest. "(Bold emphasis is mine).

Another point is perhaps the confessor has stated this as the more appropriate antidote to the sins of impurity etc confessed, especially in light of the multiple times this has been confessed as stated by the OP and that they ‘keep falling into the same sins’ - did the OP inform this confessor of these details during the confession?

I would suggest if it is at all possible, to go back to the same priest and discuss the matter with him and ask him to substitute the penance given for another. Penances are supposed to be doable but are to correspond as far as possible to the seriousness and nature of the sins.

ETA:-
CRV said:
did the OP inform this confessor of these details during the confession?
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Upon re-reading the original post, the OP stated -
holyholyholy said:
After some inquiry, he stated that I needed to remove the occasion of sin
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(Bold emphasis is mine). So it appears there was some discussion, so perhaps this new priest was made aware of the ‘multiple times, and we keep falling into the same sins.’ It was then the priest stated the way to remove the occasion which is leading the OP into these confessed sins.
 
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I’m going to go out on a limb here, so people may disagree, but I think mercy is a good thing to share whenever possible… which is pretty much always what one should be sharing at almost any point in time…

One phrase to consider may be Matthew 7:11…


You’re discerning marriage, so, yes, you want to be careful… To me, I think, it’s commendable that you are contemplating obedience to the Lord…

I really dont sense you have committed a sin, so much as perhaps just fallen into temptation… If you had conceived a child out of wedlock… well - that might be a different matter… but you’re discerning, so kudos to you!

Some people dont even go that far…
 
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halogirl said:
@holyholyholy always try to remember that the priest wants your highest good. He will not tell you something that will harm you. He is representing Jesus
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Are you kidding? Haven’t you been following the headlines lately?

Historically, many Saints have acknowledged corruption with Priests at confession.

Contemporaneously, they’ve covered up so many of their own sins - it seems questionable where they are getting their criteria for judgment from.

The OP, who could be mistaking scrupulosity for discernment and piety, hasn’t actually stated what she did that serves as basis for the commission of a sin.

Even if it was a sin - so, like, they both just stop doing it, which doesn’t necessitate a break-up… You just chill out and watch TV together or something…

But - even if they were just making out or something, and it was making them horny - then that’s not really sinful… It’s carnal… It’s tempting… It’s tough to deal with… But that doesn’t make it wrong… And, even if it did, they just stop doing it for awhile…

Sexual attraction is totally normal, so, unless there is something that is either 1.) conducive to a 3rd party life (a child) outside of marriage, or 2.) non-conducive to a loving relationship, then there’s no sin… for those are the two purposes of sex and the contradiction of which constitutes a sin by way of human sexuality…

If a Priest cant help two lovers to discern how to cooperatively engage with one another in a loving way… (and I wouldn’t say withholding absolution is necessarily right - so much as potentially a form of emotional blackmail to force her into a contrived confession… ) The fact is, it seems better to be a reconciler, rather than a divider… especially in confession…
 
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Edmundus1581 said:
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Fauken:
Marriage is not a get out of jail free card for sex. It’s not the solution for people constantly having problems with being chaste with each other.
Click to expand...
As has been mentioned in this thread and in others where a couple is struggling with chastity in dating, the inability to hold to boundaries may be a warning against marriage. I know I should have seen that in my relationship with my ex- wife. ☹️
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I’m sorry for your breakup, but that’s also projectionism…

In your statement, the word may is, if actualized, the differentiating factor…

On the other hand, St Francis of Assisi once told one of his friars. who had been tempted, something like… “Fear not temptation. The more trials you endure the more God loves you.”

St Paul says suffering through temptations and trials builds character and endurance.

So - you made a mistake - you also learned from it, and you’re here because you are trying to do good things for yourself and others. Chalk your mistakes up to wisdom. You can move forward in confidence now.

But the OP’s concern still seems more like a discernment issue. There’s no substantial proof of culpability.
 
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