Abstaining from Intercouse While Married

[gardenswithkids]

Carjack,

The Church hasn’t exactly clarified what circumstances a couple may decide to avoid pregnancy/children, but asks that couples make sure they are not acting for selfish reasons. You have mentioned in other posts that you have health issues and are on medication that might make difficult to both conceive and carry a child to term. I think you are doing fine to abstain in your marriage by mutual consent at this point for the sake of any child that might be conceived and quickly miscarried.

People on this forum can offer our opinions about what is or isn’t a just reason to avoid pregnancy, but they are simply our opinions. Some people may have opinions about your specific medical condition and medication, but we really aren’t suppose to give medical advice on this forum. This is a matter that the couple should keep in prayer. You may also want to consult with both a good doctor and a good priest.

Another point related to this topic: Sometimes, a Catholic may have an “irregular marriage” meaning something isn’t quite right so it isn’t recognized as a sacramental marriage in the eyes of the Church. (One example, a couple awaiting annulments from previous relationships when already married by the state.) If the couple is not married in the eyes of the Church, living together celebate “as brother and sister” is the proper course of action.

Lastly, I do agree with the point that you might benefit from learning more of the Church’s beautiful teachings on sexuality and marriage. Marriage should reflect Christ’s love for His bride, the Church. For simple starters, it might help to read parts of the Catechism on marriage, points 2360-2400 and 1601-1666. http://www.usccb.org/catechism/text/pt2sect2chpt3art7.htm

 

[Carjack1]

Hi Carjack! 1ke is giving you great advice. God bless you in your quest to do right! I’ll keep you in my prayers.

A quick thought: in response to
This is not true, but my understanding is that if a couple knows they are *impotent *they shouldn’t get married. (I read it in the Christopher West book.) A subtle, but important, distinction.

Please forgive me, what is the difference?

 

[Carjack1]

Carjack,

The Church hasn’t exactly clarified what circumstances a couple may decide to avoid pregnancy/children, but asks that couples make sure they are not acting for selfish reasons. You have mentioned in other posts that you have health issues and are on medication that might make difficult to both conceive and carry a child to term. I think you are doing fine to abstain in your marriage by mutual consent at this point for the sake of any child that might be conceived and quickly miscarried.

People on this forum can offer our opinions about what is or isn’t a just reason to avoid pregnancy, but they are simply our opinions. Some people may have opinions about your specific medical condition and medication, but we really aren’t suppose to give medical advice on this forum. This is a matter that the couple should keep in prayer. You may also want to consult with both a good doctor and a good priest.

Another point related to this topic: Sometimes, a Catholic may have an “irregular marriage” meaning something isn’t quite right so it isn’t recognized as a sacramental marriage in the eyes of the Church. (One example, a couple awaiting annulments from previous relationships when already married by the state.) If the couple is not married in the eyes of the Church, living together celebate “as brother and sister” is the proper course of action.I read on here, that if i am using the “pill” for medical reasons, I can still have relations with my husband, if (God forbid) an egg was not able to implant, it would be considered a “miscarriage” because the intent to abort wasn’t there. I spoke to a priest about convalidating

Lastly, I do agree with the point that you might benefit from learning more of the Church’s beautiful teachings on sexuality and marriage. Marriage should reflect Christ’s love for His bride, the Church. For simple starters, it might help to read parts of the Catechism on marriage, points 2360-2400 and 1601-1666. http://www.usccb.org/catechism/text/pt2sect2chpt3art7.htm

 

[SavedByHim]

carjack, you have gotten lots of good advice here already, but I just want to add that God surely sees your struggles and will bless you greatly for trying to do the right thing.

i think you got blasted for a bit in the other thread concerning this topic (can’t remember the title right now) and for that I am deeply sorry.

as more of your story is unfolding, i can see how hard you are trying to understand and how much you desire to do what is right. my hope and prayer for you is that God slowly unfolds His plan for you and DH and you continue along this journey towards Christ and His church.

God bless you!! :hug1:

 

[Carjack1]

carjack, you have gotten lots of good advice here already, but I just want to add that God surely sees your struggles and will bless you greatly for trying to do the right thing.

i think you got blasted for a bit in the other thread concerning this topic (can’t remember the title right now) and for that I am deeply sorry.

as more of your story is unfolding, i can see how hard you are trying to understand and how much you desire to do what is right. my hope and prayer for you is that God slowly unfolds His plan for you and DH and you continue along this journey towards Christ and His church.

God bless you!! :hug1:

Thank you. It is sometimes hard to convey what we are trying to say without emotion. There are no hard feelings from any of the parties involved.

 

[1ke]

Please forgive me, what is the difference?

Impotence is the inabiliity to complete intercourse. It is an impediment to marriage. A person with permanent, antecedent (before marriage) impotence cannot marry.

A person who is infertile can complete the marriage act. Therefore, no impediment.

 

[Carjack1]

Impotence is the inabiliity to complete intercourse. It is an impediment to marriage. A person with permanent, antecedent (before marriage) impotence cannot marry.

A person who is infertile can complete the marriage act. Therefore, no impediment.

Thanks for that clarification.

 

[Jennifer_J]

Procreative doesn’t necessarily mean fertile. That’s why infertile people can get married, because they (often) want children and can’t have them.

 

[puzzleannie]

1. If a married person wishes to be celibate, (they must have a good reason why?)

Am I getting this ok?

a married person by definition cannot be celibate, because celibate means unmarried.

a married person, like every person no matter what their state in life, is called to chastity. For any unmarried person, chastity means purity in speech, thought and action and of course abstinence from any sexual activity. For married people, chastity means purity in thought, word and action, and use of the sexual gift for its intended dual purpose, unity and procreation.

If for some good reason–health, financial situation etc.–the couple has to avoid pregnancy they must abstain from sexual intercourse, either during fertile periods (determined by a scientifice method of natural family planning, of which there are several reliable choices) or total abstinence until such time as they are ready and able to get pregnant. they may also, by mutual consent, refrain from intercourse for a period of time for spiritual reasons–to devote themselves to prayer or good works–and of course will of necessity abstain when forced to do so by business travel, military service or other separation.

 

[ajcoley1]

Hey Carjack,
You got some really great advice here!
Hope I don’t sound like I’m “hijacking” this forum (yes I cruised that other forum) but maybe I can get an answer: I chose to abstain for health reasons & H didnt agree, I’m Catholic he’s narcissist, he told me I was “denying” him, when I said why I needed to abstain his response was 'so what!" Am I sinning because I’m “denying” him? To me, taking care of my health is not being selfish.

 

[1ke]

Hey Carjack,
You got some really great advice here!
Hope I don’t sound like I’m “hijacking” this forum (yes I cruised that other forum) but maybe I can get an answer: I chose to abstain for health reasons & H didnt agree, I’m Catholic he’s narcissist, he told me I was “denying” him, when I said why I needed to abstain his response was 'so what!" Am I sinning because I’m “denying” him? To me, taking care of my health is not being selfish.

This is best discussed with your priest.

You are dealing with a situation in which your husband has a personality disorder. That is certainly something to consider regarding having children. Now, by abstaining do you mean totally or periodically? These are aspects of the situation you should discuss with your priest. Your husband does have a basic, but not absolute, right to marital relations. You also have a right to protect yourself from his mental illness and any abuse that goes with it.

 

[Carjack1]

Hey Carjack,
You got some really great advice here!
Hope I don’t sound like I’m “hijacking” this forum (yes I cruised that other forum) but maybe I can get an answer: I chose to abstain for health reasons & H didnt agree, I’m Catholic he’s narcissist, he told me I was “denying” him, when I said why I needed to abstain his response was 'so what!" Am I sinning because I’m “denying” him? To me, taking care of my health is not being selfish.

Wow! I have no idea what to say to that Based on Catholic teaching, I don’t know what to advise because I am not that knowledgeable so far. A lot of this stuff can get really technical. He should be sensitive to health issues. Since you are not denying him, just to deny him, I do not think that would go against Catholic teaching. Is the act itself bad for health or a baby? If it is too personal, I understand. Those decisions about relations or abstaining when both do not agree can be extremely difficult. I am extremely overweight(that is my health reason for holding off). I will not get offended if you ever want to talk about issues.

 

[ajcoley1]

Yes a talk with my priest is on my To Do list…I just caught this thread & thought I might ask.

I mean abstain periodically.

 

[1ke]

Yes a talk with my priest is on my To Do list…I just caught this thread & thought I might ask.

I mean abstain periodically.

It’s really best to discuss with your priest. However, no, it’s not unreasonable to abstain periodically.

 

[ajcoley1]

Thanks, both of you.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Hi Carjack,

1ke is giving you very good information!

In one of your posts you mentioned something about the Church being “technical” I can understand how you can feel that way…but as you get closer to the Church you realize it is not “technical”, but more logical.

Catholic marriage is a vocation…and what the married couple’s goal is is HEAVEN.

Father John Corapi also has really great information on marriage. I have a CD that he did.
It might be on his website www.fathercorapi.com

 

[Carjack1]

Hi Carjack,

1ke is giving you very good information!

In one of your posts you mentioned something about the Church being “technical” I can understand how you can feel that way…but as you get closer to the Church you realize it is not “technical”, but more logical.

Catholic marriage is a vocation…and what the married couple’s goal is is HEAVEN.

Father John Corapi also has really great information on marriage. I have a CD that he did.
It might be on his website www.fathercorapi.com

Thank you. I will look into it.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I read on here, that if i am using the “pill” for medical reasons, I can still have relations with my husband, if (God forbid) an egg was not able to implant, it would be considered a “miscarriage” because the intent to abort wasn’t there…

This is my understanding too. However, couples in that situation sometimes opt for abstinence, which is also an option. I don’t mean to be pushing abstinence on a married couple, but if a couple wants to abstain when there is strong chance for miscarriage and/or when the wife has health issues that need attention, that is fine.

Another point related to this topic: Sometimes, a Catholic may have an “irregular marriage” meaning something isn’t quite right so it isn’t recognized as a sacramental marriage in the eyes of the Church. (One example, a couple awaiting annulments from previous relationships when already married by the state.) If the couple is not married in the eyes of the Church, living together celebate “as brother and sister” is the proper course of action

… I spoke to a priest about convalidating

I didn’t know if any of that applied to you, but since other people read these threads I felt it should be mentioned. I’m glad you spoke to the priest about convalidating your marriage. I don’t know much about that process, but perhaps it will provide both you and your husband a chance to study together about the Church’s teachings on marriage and sexuality. God bless you.