Abused Husbands Speak Up

[Samson01]

What do you do about it? There doesn’t seem to be much support.

 

[smallcat]

Do you mean physical or emotional abuse?

 

[Samson01]

Either, both can be just as damaging.

 

[dulcissima]

Let us know what you are going through. I am sure we can offer you some support and perhaps some advice. Men can be the victims of abuse, but many won’t talk about it.

 

[Serap]

There’s a guy on CAF that was physically and mentally abused by his wife and I hope he joins this thread.

Men can be abused just as much as women can, but with men, it’s usually mental abuse. There’s a stigma attached when it’s a man…like he’s a wuss if he puts up with it.

I hope you get the answers you’re looking for.

 

[EasterJoy]

There’s a guy on CAF that was physically and mentally abused by his wife and I hope he joins this thread.

Men can be abused just as much as women can, but with men, it’s usually mental abuse. There’s a stigma attached when it’s a man…like he’s a wuss if he puts up with it.

I hope you get the answers you’re looking for.

There are women who take advantage of the Catch-22 that many men are brought up with: a man is not a man if he lets himself be hit, not a man if he hits back, and not a man if he walks out. That puts his manhood at her mercy, and gives him the choice of “your manhood or your life”.

Just like male abusers, women who abuse lack self-control, expect to have the ultimate control over others in their lives, and think that they are entitled to go nuts when they get frustrated…and that the fault is with the person they find frustrating!

It does not take a strong person to do serious damage with the help of a twelve-inch cast iron skillet, chef’s knives, or flying kitchenware. I think there are women who restrict themselves to verbal abuse and other kinds of emotional manipulation, but there are women who think that women are allowed to hit, too. I don’t think there is anyone on CAF who is going to give her any room for that. Save an instance that is in self-defense in order to flee the situation for good, is unacceptable, period, for either a woman or a man.

And just for the record: if the abuse is mutual, you still have the right and need to get out. It doesn’t matter who you want to blame, or who started it, or any of the rest. If there is abuse, it needs to stop.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

If anyone is interested, they could research “munchausen syndrome” in which people abuse others in such a calculated way that the abuser suffers and then gains the sympathy of others because of the suffering.

Usually, the victim is a child, but it could also be a spouse.

For example, a wife could orchestrate the death of her husband and then gain sympathy because she is now a widow.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

If anyone is interested, they could research “munchausen syndrome” in which people abuse others in such a calculated way that the abuser suffers and then gains the sympathy of others because of the suffering.

Usually, the victim is a child, but it could also be a spouse.

For example, a wife could orchestrate the death of her husband and then gain sympathy because she is now a widow.

Isn’t Munchhausen the syndrome where the person commits self injury in order to seem ill for the attention.

Munchhausen by proxy is when a parent injures the child, so the child seems ill and the parent gets attention.

 

[Samson01]

I got punched in the back of the head about ten times last night. Light punches , but it was all she could muster. When I threatened to call the cops, she said " good luck convincing them". What I need is leagl help and I’m not getting anywhere with local crisis centers…

 

[Flame4]

I think its outrageous. I call myself a femenist (I don’t like the term b/c it can mean different things- but wht I mean is that I care about women’s rights.) However I care deeply about men’s rights as well.

I think its disgusting that some women use the fact that they are women to their advantage. It hurts men and its unfair to women who really do get abused and have no help.

Some people think we have reached gender equality. Maybe by law, but socially, we have degraded BOTH men and women. Think about all the double standards and stereotypes both genders face.

Since the first sin, men and women no longer understand each other and this is the result.

 

[EasterJoy]

Isn’t Munchhausen the syndrome where the person commits self injury in order to seem ill for the attention.

Munchhausen by proxy is when a parent injures the child, so the child seems ill and the parent gets attention.

Also FWIW, according to Louisa J. Lasher, who considers herself an expert with respect to this particular disorder, Munchhausen by proxy is NOT a formal DSM-IV mental health diagnosis, but rather is a recognized form of maltreatment. She adds that “…perpetrators know what they are doing. They are not simply overanxious, overprotective caretakers”, and “…should be considered even more dangerous once they believe they are suspected…”
mbpexpert.com/definition.html

It is far, far more common for mothers to do this to young children than for a wife to do it to a husband…that is, to harm the other person with the goal of getting attention as the heroic caretaker, rather than acting the part of the heroic caretaker in order to more safely reach the goal of harming the victim with impunity.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

Isn’t Munchhausen the syndrome where the person commits self injury in order to seem ill for the attention.

Munchhausen by proxy is when a parent injures the child, so the child seems ill and the parent gets attention.

There are many different variations. I don’t want to get too picky with the different definitions. The point is that people do engage in sociopathic and psychopathic behaviors and get away with it.

Dealing with these kinds of people is extremely tricky because they are very clever. And very manipulative.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I got punched in the back of the head about ten times last night. Light punches , but it was all she could muster. When I threatened to call the cops, she said " good luck convincing them". What I need is leagl help and I’m not getting anywhere with local crisis centers…

Do you have any way to contact a family lawyer. Maybe file an order of protection? Do you have children? How is she with them?

 

[EasterJoy]

I got punched in the back of the head about ten times last night. Light punches, but it was all she could muster. When I threatened to call the cops, she said " good luck convincing them". What I need is leagl help and I’m not getting anywhere with local crisis centers…

You know, maybe you can call the local crisis center back and refuse to take “no” for an answer. Ask them very bluntly, “Are you telling me that if a woman called with this same question, this is what you’d tell her? Because I don’t think you’d tell her to let her husband punch her anywhere on her body, let alone in the back of her head, just because he happened to be too little to punch her very hard…”

If you put it that way, they might wake up. But yes, especially if there are children involved, I’d talk with an attorney, because the law is prejudiced in favor of women in some locales (in practice, if not in black-and-white policy). Lawyers are aware of the real differences.

Her attitude is very brazen, too, and that would concern me very much. You are in danger. Even if there aren’t children in the picture, this is not a situation to noodle around with until the night when she decides to pick up a weapon to equalize things.

If you’re in doubt, read this: uiowa.edu/~030116/158/articles/dershowitz3.htm
Two quotes:
“…for all spousal murders, women accounted for more than 40 percent of defendants. And "among black marital partners, wives were just about as likely to kill their husbands as husbands were to kill their wives.”"

“Despite the unexpected data produced by this justice Department study–that wives kill husbands much more frequently than media accounts suggest and that they are treated more leniently than husbands who kill–the press release issued by the justice Department to accompany the report buried this politically incorrect data under the following politically correct headline: “Wives are the most frequent victims in family murders.” But even that conclusion obscures the real picture: that for all family murders–which includes killing of parents and children as well as spouses–55.5 percent of the victims were males and 44.5 percent females, and "female defendants were more likely than male defendants to have murdered a person of the opposite sex.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Do you have any way to contact a family lawyer. Maybe file an order of protection? Do you have children? How is she with them?

Children who are made to witness the abuse of a parent are not in a safe situation. Just the knowledge that one parent harms the other is harmful. Besides, while there are people who really would “never harm a child”, a person who would physically abuse a full-grown adult when frustrated should not be entrusted with the care of children. It is not a wise chance to take.

 

[Samson01]

She’s good with the kids, just doesn’t like me. Wish it would work out, but I don’t know. I really just don’t know anymore about this…

 

[EasterJoy]

She’s good with the kids, just doesn’t like me. Wish it would work out, but I don’t know. I really just don’t know anymore about this…

“Doesn’t like” you is one thing. This happens to many couples during rough times. That isn’t the red flag.

That she feels entitled to hit you, let alone in the head, is another thing altogether. And it really is true: if she’s hitting her children’s father, to the point that he feels inclined to call the police, she is NOT “good with the kids”. This is especially true considering her “good luck convincing them” attitude.

I’m not saying this cannot be worked out, but the hitting has to be stopped. It is absolutely unacceptable. I don’t know the best way to handle the prospect of keeping it from happening again and how to handle it if it does, but you need to talk to people who do. Wives can be dangerous, too, and wives can escalate violence from verbal to physical to deadly force.

This is not something to mess around with. Go to someone who knows, and find out what to do. Please do it right away.

 

[Anna_jane]

Call the police: they’re required by law to come out for a domestic violence call, male or female. Some states require them to take the offender into custody for the night. No “convincing them” is required, that’s a bluff to stop you from calling.

 

[Samson01]

I really dont’ want to detract any more and I do love her. If I did call the police, it would be over out right and that isn’t want I want. It is really pitiful as she is petite and I’m not. The outside doen’t hurt, just inside. I just let her hit me as it was weak, but she kept on. It is hard to grasp how much hate I feel from her…

 

[horselvr]

Samson01:

I don’t like to talk about this much but my brother was also abused by his wife of 32 years. She was so much fun and a beautiful woman when they got married but at some point in the marriage she became an alcoholic and a mean one. Everything about her changed even her facial expressions and she developed a hatred for my brother. I never questioned why, I didn’t feel that was my place but it was so heartwrenching to witness the way she would treat him and speak to him. He told me that he found handcuffs and a gun hidden in the bedroom and was very fearful for his life. He was working two jobs and was losing much sleep, he was so thin. He is gone now and when I think back on this it still tears me up.

He did go to a woman’s shelter and spoke with the director there about where a man could go to get help but there really wasn’t anywhere for him to go. My brother was a very soft spoken and gentle/compassionate person with failing kidneys/heart trouble/diabetic and one day she made the mistake of punching him so hard in the face that his lip bled, and knocking him on the floor in front of me, and spitting on him because he asked her to please go to AA meetings. It was just so terrible and I instinctively called the police.

That was the beginning of the end.

Please don’t take no for an answer. Continue to knock on doors for assistance and I will keep you in prayers. Is there no one there you can talk to----family, friend? Anyone that might help you through this?