Abused Husbands Speak Up

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Samson01 said:
I really dont’ want to detract any more and I do love her. If I did call the police, it would be over out right and that isn’t want I want. It is really pitiful as she is petite and I’m not. The outside doen’t hurt, just inside. I just let her hit me as it was weak, but she kept on. It is hard to grasp how much hate I feel from her…
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You are not talking about her to anyone who knows her personally, nor are you talking to anyone about your issue for inappropriate reasons, so what you are doing is not detraction. I think you would do better at this point to talk to a priest or a professional marriage counsellor, whether or not your wife will go with you.

When there is “hurt, just inside”, that is where marriages die. Your heart can’t take that indefinitely. You and your wife at least need to get some counselling. Otherwise, your marriage will die a slow death, instead of a quick one.

John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and divorce, calls the following “the four horsemen of the Apocolypse.” If these are present in a marriage, along with failed repair attempts (when one partner tries to make up, but is rebuffed), then the chances of the survival of the marriage are very low:
*Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …”
Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:
  • Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
  • Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
  • Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
    Defensiveness:
    Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
  • Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
  • Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said
  • Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this because you did that…”
  • Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
  • Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
  • Whining “It’s not fair.”
    Stonewalling:
    Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:
  • Stony silence
  • Monosyllabic mutterings
  • Changing the subject
  • Removing yourself physically
  • Silent Treatment*
If these things are present in your marriage, even without physical abuse, you may well be watching your marriage die. There are other problems that are red flags, including flooding (your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming that it leaves you shell-shocked, so that you disengage emotionally from the relationship), harsh startups (you find yourself beginning a discussion with your spouse using criticism, sarcasm, or harsh words) and bad memories (couples who are “stuck” in a negative view of their spouse and marriage often rewrite their past – for the worse).

If you can, find The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…And How You Can Make Yours Last. I think either will be an eye-opener. The books aren’t all bad news, either. They suggest changes that could save your marriage.

Even if you don’t elect to call the police, don’t let her hit you again. That is only going to make things worse.
 
EasterJoy said:
You are not talking about her to anyone who knows her personally, nor are you talking to anyone about your issue for inappropriate reasons, so what you are doing is not detraction. I think you would do better at this point to talk to a priest or a professional marriage counsellor, whether or not your wife will go with you.

When there is “hurt, just inside”, that is where marriages die. Your heart can’t take that indefinitely. You and your wife at least need to get some counselling. Otherwise, your marriage will die a slow death, instead of a quick one.

John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and divorce, calls the following “the four horsemen of the Apocolypse.” If these are present in a marriage, along with failed repair attempts (when one partner tries to make up, but is rebuffed), then the chances of the survival of the marriage are very low:
Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong:
Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …”
Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:
  • Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
  • Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
  • Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
    Defensiveness:
    Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
  • Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
  • Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said
  • Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this because you did that…”
  • Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
  • Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
  • Whining “It’s not fair.”
    Stonewalling:
    Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:
  • Stony silence
  • Monosyllabic mutterings
  • Changing the subject
  • Removing yourself physically
  • Silent Treatment
If these things are present in your marriage, even without physical abuse, you may well be watching your marriage die. There are other problems that are red flags, including flooding (your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming that it leaves you shell-shocked, so that you disengage emotionally from the relationship), harsh startups (you find yourself beginning a discussion with your spouse using criticism, sarcasm, or harsh words) and bad memories (couples who are “stuck” in a negative view of their spouse and marriage often rewrite their past – for the worse).

If you can, find The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…And How You Can Make Yours Last. I think either will be an eye-opener. The books aren’t all bad news, either. They suggest changes that could save your marriage.

Even if you don’t elect to call the police, don’t let her hit you again. That is only going to make things worse.
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Every one of these things happens. I don’t want to admit it is that bad, but it is. I’m not afraid of her, the worst she could do is kill me. I’m afraid to be without her or even worse, seriously hurting her when she comes after me. I just turned my head, put my arms up to hold her off and stood there taking it. If I did anything she could be really hurt. I’m going to think about things this weekend, bide my time, and plan an exit, but that might not take place for awhile. Thanks.
 
Samson01 said:
Every one of these things happens. I don’t want to admit it is that bad, but it is. I’m not afraid of her, the worst she could do is kill me. I’m afraid to be without her or even worse, seriously hurting her when she comes after me. I just turned my head, put my arms up to hold her off and stood there taking it. If I did anything she could be really hurt. I’m going to think about things this weekend, bide my time, and plan an exit, but that might not take place for awhile. Thanks.
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Your case isn’t hopeless. Even though it looks very bad, it may not be too late. You are learning what you are up against, and you have yet to learn why she is feeling the way she is. It may be that with communication, some hard work, and some new skills, you can have your marriage back. In the end, you may be happier than you have ever been. Some couples who have to work to get their marriages back are like people that have a near-death and get their lives back. They are more alive than ever, after that. It could happen to you.

I hope you’ll find someone who can help you take postive steps to protect both your marriage and each other, and very soon. Don’t give up until you’ve looked into what is behind all this. It is going to be very hard, but it could be the best thing you ever did. Your marriage is very sick, but consider the condition treatable until you have someone with experience help you discern otherwise.

There is reason to choose to have some bit of optimism. Look at the Cross, and remember that God can take the worst thing in the world and make into the best thing in the world. You never know what God will do for you. There have been cases of marital turn-arounds that seemed like miracles, even though it was the miracle of changing outlooks and habits.

Good luck, and God bless you.
 
Write down all the incidents with dates and witnesses if any. Go to a lawyer and understand your rights.Consultations should be free. Put money aside in case you must leave. Always know where the car keys are. If the local crisis center doesn’t help, call another. Battered shelters have counselors for victims who will advise them of their rights, and how to obtain a restraining order. The history of abuse is important that’s why you need to document it. Talk to your priest.

If you strike back in order to defend yourself, she’ll end up with marks and you’ll be seen as the antagonist. You cannot stay in a no win situation. You must tell people so they know what is going on in your life.
 
Samson, I am sorry you are going through this. It has got to be difficult, because as others have pointed out, as a guy you are in a no-win situation, and finding emotional or material support can be difficult.

Orgeon Counseling, a non-profit consumer information source, has a page on male victims of domestic abuse. It ends with:
Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse and violence is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men.
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Most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services. Community resources for breaking the cycle of violence are scarce and not well developed.
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oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm

It then recommends that men call the toll-free national hotline for domestic abuse. I am assuming you are in the US, if not please disregard this paragraph. But if you are in the US, the phone number is listed at the bottom of the link I provided. Perhaps they can direct you to resources in your area.
 
Thanks Dale, that is what I’m looking for. For a guy to get hit , it is like severe emotional thing because it may not hurt much physically, but to know your spouse as giving up that much to do it is pretty tough. Knowing I feel deeply against reacting poorly to it seems to make it safe to her. I may call and seeing it on the bill is one way to let her know, there are options for me… Thanks.
 
Another thing, I used to spar alot and have training in different martial arts, I’m 210 and she is 150. She has no training but lifts weights with me at times. She knows what I can do, but also knows I would never touch her. I don’t get it other then she hates me…
 
After a little bit of research, I’ve found that this seems to be more prolific than most people realize.

I’m sure that we’ll be praying for you!

These links should help:

webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men?page=1
“The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in the nation that offers support and help in finding resources specifically for men,” says Brown, of the not-for-profit helpline. “We’ll provide options and support and help a man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not acceptable. The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men can be reached from anywhere in the nation, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling (877) 643-1120 and entering PIN number 0757.”
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Other helplines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, can also offer support to men but aren’t as tailored to do so as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men.
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“What people should know is that abuse is about power and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man or a woman, it is never OK,” says Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. “We urge anyone whose relationship scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous.”
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General information about abusive spouses:
mamashealth.com/relationships/abusivewife.asp
fair.org/index.php?page=1247
 
Samson01 said:
Thanks Dale, that is what I’m looking for. For a guy to get hit , it is like severe emotional thing because it may not hurt much physically, but to know your spouse as giving up that much to do it is pretty tough. Knowing I feel deeply against reacting poorly to it seems to make it safe to her. I may call and seeing it on the bill is one way to let her know, there are options for me… Thanks.
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I sympathize with you completely. (My wife loses her temper and hits on occasion, but not nearly as far as you’ve described. Have you looked into narcissistic personality disorder?)

Praying that you and your wife will somehow manage to get the counseling you so desperately need,
  • curl
 
curl said:
I sympathize with you completely. (My wife loses her temper and hits on occasion, but not nearly as far as you’ve described. Have you looked into narcissistic personality disorder?)

Praying that you and your wife will somehow manage to get the counseling you so desperately need,
  • curl
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Yes, I have and it fits. I’m trying to open up communication with her again, but if that doesn’t work, I’m out of here soon enough, after 22 years together. Thanks.
 
People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, She will continue to do this to you until you do something about it.

At the very least learn how to physically restrain her.
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, She will continue to do this to you until you do something about it.

At the very least learn how to physically restrain her.
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Your joking, right? I could “restrain” someone until they are blue, but that isn’t going to go over well with the kids…
 
Samson01,

I sympathize with you as I’m going through mostly emotional abuse with my wife of over 20 years.

We have had our fair share of ups and downs over the years, but my wife has always insisted it’s her way or not at all. In hind side, I should not have not being so compromising just to keep the peace. Now it has got a point where she has decided that she no longer wants to be civil to me and has been stonewalling me for sometime now over some alleged incidents (her many versions of the events is are not what actually occurred) which she has now chosen to escalate into being my fault. She has also chosen to be selective with events from the past, and has also chosen to focus on and highlight only the issues that I agree were my fault, and completely ignores issues that were hers. She has also told the distorted version to her family, who are totally on her side and are not objective (they are from a close family who talk about everything under the sun and she takes their advice all the time)

She recently she physically attacked me from behind without warning during a disagreement (the second time this has occurred) and I instinctively retaliated in self defense to ward off the blows, turned round and hit her once (the first time in our marriage and I know I really should not have and still feel bad about it); she has related the events to her family so that I was made out to be the aggressor and had her down on the ground beating her up, which is so far from the truth. When I confronted her regarding this version of events, she refused to accept that she started it and accused me of hitting her first.

I believe she must have some unresolved issues from her past which she is taking out on me, as she could be nice one minute and change into uncontrolled anger the next.

I am seeing our parish counselor, trying to save the marriage ( she refuses to go), but it’s getting to the point where I’m ready to leave everything behind and I’ll be out of it after 20 years together.
 
kpyn01 said:
Samson01,

I sympathize with you as I’m going through mostly emotional abuse with my wife of over 20 years.

We have had our fair share of ups and downs over the years, but my wife has always insisted it’s her way or not at all. In hind side, I should not have not being so compromising just to keep the peace. Now it has got a point where she has decided that she no longer wants to be civil to me and has been stonewalling me for sometime now over some alleged incidents (her many versions of the events is are not what actually occurred) which she has now chosen to escalate into being my fault. She has also chosen to be selective with events from the past, and has also chosen to focus on and highlight only the issues that I agree were my fault, and completely ignores issues that were hers. She has also told the distorted version to her family, who are totally on her side and are not objective (they are from a close family who talk about everything under the sun and she takes their advice all the time)

She recently she physically attacked me from behind without warning during a disagreement (the second time this has occurred) and I instinctively retaliated in self defense to ward off the blows, turned round and hit her once (the first time in our marriage and I know I really should not have and still feel bad about it); she has related the events to her family so that I was made out to be the aggressor and had her down on the ground beating her up, which is so far from the truth. When I confronted her regarding this version of events, she refused to accept that she started it and accused me of hitting her first.

I believe she must have some unresolved issues from her past which she is taking out on me, as she could be nice one minute and change into uncontrolled anger the next.

I am seeing our parish counselor, trying to save the marriage ( she refuses to go), but it’s getting to the point where I’m ready to leave everything behind and I’ll be out of it after 20 years together.
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Yes, it seems to be a no win at times in a situation like this. If I strike her back, I’m done, end of story. I can hold off an attacker, but like you said you can only do so much without being blamed as the one who started it. When she was hitting me in the back of the head, I was in bed. I rolled over and sat on her, but she got 8-10 good hits in before I realised what had happened. In tactical talk, I was code green, at rest when this happened, not expecting it. Some have shown concern for my physical safety and they may have a point, but that is not my biggest hurt. It is the emotional side of an attack that really scars deeply. I can’t bring myself to even type how I could defend myself if I had to concerning my wife. Won’t even think about it, she is my wife, not my enemy. An enemy I would destroy quickly and surely, but that is not an option with someone I truely love. So please, lets not go there. Still trying to have open communication with her and be civil, but it is tough. It seems that my wife may have some problems and I want to help her, but she has to want the help. If this happens again, I will be forced to take some legal action, I guess, so mentally preparing for that is tougher then any defense training I have had in the past. Thank you all for your prayers, help and advice. Samson
 
Samson01 and kpyn01, I sympathize with you and am praying for both of you.

It took me several years of marriage before I finally realized that every problem we had could not possibly be my fault, as my wife always insisted. The early years were very, very rough, with my wife often throwing things at me and with a lot of screaming and ultimatums. Whenever I thought about leaving I always stayed for two reasons: first, for the sake of our children whom I knew would need to have me around; and second because of the shear financial cost of going through a divorce. Through the years I have always wondered if I made the right choice. The mental and emotional abuse has gone on throughout our 19 years of marriage. Insults, name-calling, blaming, constant criticism, you name it.

Things got a little better after she converted to Catholicism back in 2000, but she’s never really let up. Sometimes I have tried going tit-for-tat but that never accomplishes anything - and I end up apologizing for my words while she rarely does. Twice I completely lost my temper and physically abused her, and then I spent months being depressed over my actions and constantly apologizing (and she still reminds me every so often that I’m a “wife-beater”).

As my children have gotten older they have come to see some of the things she does and the way she acts for what they are. Teenagers are always great about pointing out their parents’ hypocrisies, and they’ve had a cornucopia of her actions and words to ridicule. That has been some comfort to me and has actually caused her to change the worst of her behavior.

I love my wife. Sometimes, I wonder why I still do. But she can be really great when she’s “normal”. And, as most wives do, she has an insight into, and empathy with, our childrens’ needs and dreams that I just don’t have. I want her to be happy and I pray for her every day. I just can’t understand why she has to try to dominate me and blame me for all of her unhappiness. And one of the most frustrating things is that she projects such a gentle, loving, steadfastly Catholic persona to the world outside of our home that everyone views her as a wonderful Christian woman. No one would believe how she actually acts toward me.

In recent years I have viewed our relationship as a cross to bear and I have prayed to God almost every day to “take this cup from me” but for His will to be done, not mine. I’m not saying I’m a saint. I know my failings and believe me, they’re plenty. I’ve got enough on my own to keep me busy praying and repenting. Adding abuse on top of that is sometimes overwhelming. But I have faith that God will see me through it and I have hope that He will turn our marriage into the sacramental union that it should be.

It is some comfort to me reading this thread, learning what other men have gone through, to know that I am not alone. And writing all of this, getting it off my chest, is a big relief.
 
Thanks for speaking up. I’m sure it is difficult as the stigma is that husbands who get hit and speak out are whimps or something. Let me assure you, I’m a trained Airborne Infantrymen willing to lay down my life for others and do the deed in combat. Like I said before, an enemy would be destroyed, no doubt in my mind, but we aren’t talking about enemies, we are talking about someone we love and cherish. Men who honor their wive’s through thick and thin, honor our vows and vocation, looking to further honor them by getting help. It’s a sticky situation. I once asked a priest if he thought I was being called out of my vocation. He said that it is rare for that to truely happen. So as rtylka said, it seems like a cross to bear and sometimes I feel as though I should bear it silently, the “manly” thing to do. I would appreciate any opinions on this, thanks, Samson.
 
rytlka, Samson01 and kpyn01,

I just wanted to say that I empathize. I’m not as quick-witted or sharp-tongued as my wife, and arguments usually end with me getting put down and blamed for all the things I did over the years or what I let my parents do. I’m the one who normally says sorry to try patch things up, to “try make the marriage work”, my wife know I will do that regardless of the kinds of things she says and so she just lets it rip. And I’m an introvertish kind of guy while my wife is very networked and gregarious, so the neighbours and her family totally see it her way. Thinking logically, I’m stuck in a self-created negative spiral and if I make a misstep and crack I’m in a totally no-win situation. What’s really bad is the feeling of hopelessless that one has to deal with. And also the overwhelming feeling of confusion… the feeling that God holds me responsible as the head of my family, and the feeling I am failing there and therefore the feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness.

In the end, for me it’s just been resorting to blind dependence in the Lord that has helped. Sometimes it helps when I think, hey, people became saints in the Nazi concentration camps - this couldn’t possibly be worse. Even if emotional torture continues all my life, even if externally I’m reduced to a blubbering lump of flesh, God can make good out of it if I try my best to remain faithful to him. It has helped to do what used to seem silly to me before - to “offer up” sufferings - even if I think they might be somehow my fault - to God for whatever little merit He might find in them. And to say what I used to think was the boring rosary, or to pray to the Blessed Mother and the saints for intercession. Or when I can’t think straight or am stuck in depression, to just say blindly “Jesus I trust in You”.

And things have gradually changed… I hope. A couple of time we have been able to control ourselves when we quarrel, and instead connect with why we are lashing out - and suddenly we are back at the love that was there before. She says now and then that she will pray for me. And she thanks me for things now and then.

I know this is not a very cogent post, but I just wanted to say I empathize with what you are going through. Not really sure how to express my feelings here. God bless you.
 
Hi,
First my ““Experience””
  1. 60 years with alcoholic brother, the oldest.
  2. 60 years with a closet addict brother, the next oldest.
  3. 28 years with a ‘Personality Disorder’ wife, a narcissist.
  4. 7 years working with a ‘Professional Street Person’, who is a sociopath. (The old name.)
Although my situation, being rather forced into marriage against my will, is not common, it eventually allowed a divorce. It was still tough. I did 28 years before using this option.

Second, the church I think, allows a separation if the spouse is damaging. (A separation is merely all the financial and legal protections of a divorce, without being a true (Biblical Divorce.)

Third I think, almost every case of spousal abuse is a dissolvable marriage under Catholic Rules. It violates, the original contract.

Lastly, if you can’t apply for an annulment, then use the law. It is illegal and the cops will believe you, if your wife attacks you. It is what stopped my wife. I kept telling her, this is against the law.

There is a list of verbal abuse, both the silent type and the other. Find the list. Use it. In my case, not a single item was there under the heading of verbal abuse from her. Under the heading of severe verbal abuse, it was almost all of the items on the list.

Tough guys, mentally, can take a lot. It isn’t until it gets severe that mates get their ways.
Tough guys, physically, can take a lot. It isn’t until that force gets amplified with a tool that they get their ways.

Either situation is bad on the kids, you, but not her, she just needs to get locked up by the police.
 
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