Abused sister in denial help

[dulcissima]

Patience is a virtue, and you are a good sister.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I have no idea what she told her therapist exactly, but whatever it was, her family isn’t healthy for her to talk to about it.

Hate to say it, but your sister’s therapist is correct. Dulcissima beat me to the punch on everything I was going to say.

You all ARE unhealthy for her to talk to about this. You all grew up in a toxic situation. You ALL have wounds that this has opened. You ALL need to deal with this legacy. Your sister’s situation didn’t happen in a vacuum. She is the rope in a game of emotional tug of war. She’s learning that none of the people in her life who claim to love her seem to have her best interest at heart.

Yes, you love her. Your aunts love her. But they are trying to replace one form of control with another. And if your sister does not learn to set boundaries and have confidence in her own decision making independent of everyone else, she will move from this guy to another controlling guy who beats her. Women who escape one abuser often end up with another and another for this reason. Unless they break the pattern.

Your sister’s therapist is trying to do that. So don’t take it personally. But her therapist is trying to help her find her own inner strength and inner core. She is helping her determine her place in life without the (name removed by moderator)ut from about 8 or 10 other people who want to fix her. Your sister does not need everyone else’s opinion about her situation. She seems to have gotten more than enough of that and it has not helped. Your sister needs to heal from within so that her solutions are her own. That’s the only way she’ll have the strength to leave this guy.

It’s a little late in the game for daddy to be coming in and being protective. Maybe he can make himself useful if he likes to beat up on people and go settle boyfriend’s hash.

Respect your sister’s boundaries. Encourage her. Maybe ask HER advice on how not to get dragged into the drama. That might give her some confidence in herself.

I know you love her, but as her big sister, you probably have done more than a little telling her what to do. Which is the last thing she needs. And if you lost your temper and yelled at her or berated her, you ARE part of her problem. You see, to you, that was one incident of saying something you shouldn’t have. But when someone is abused, the slightest insults hit a very tender spot: Their bruised hearts, minds and souls. Whatever verbal punches you landed probably wounded her more than you’ll know. And she hears it over and over in her head. I hate to say it. I know it was motivated by love and concern. But any family member that raises their voices to someone who has been abused or denigrates them has NO idea the pain they are inflicting on a fragile person.

To this day I cannot tolerate someone yelling at me or raising their voice in anger. Or telling me what my flaws are. I know my flaws and mistakes. I had them screamed at me for 10 years for hours on end in hate-filled rant sessions. I look in the mirror and I see that person and hear that voice telling me how much the woman in the mirror sucks. Now that I’m away from it, I can tell myself he was an a-h–e and it was all lies. But it still hurt.

That is your sister’s reality when her sisters all try to “help.” Her boyfriend reinforced a message of unworthiness she got all her life. She was abandoned, abused and neglected by those who should have looked out for her. Those scars will remain for a lifetime. Anything her boyfriend does to her rips those scars open. But once in a while he tells her nice things. Her soul needs that. She is dependent upon that for her life. He is using that to chain her to him. You all telling her how much smarter you are than her and how dumb she is for not leaving him, and if she doesn’t do what you say you’re going to cut off her financial lifeline and leave her on the streets is driving her further into his arms and making her see you all as people she cannot trust. Your aunts took her out of school where she had interaction with people who were NOT him. They began to make controlling decisions for her. She needed to be in a situation where she was getting her education so she could get a good job and NOT be financially dependent upon a controlling man. That was the worst thing to do!!!

What you CAN do is persuade the aunts to back off. To reextend the financial help with no emotional strings attached. You can explain to the family what she really needs right now. Her anger toward your parents and everyone is going to keep coming out. She’s dealing with 22 years of garbage. Better now than later, but still.

You are on the outside. Along with everyone else. What you need to do is be her refuge. She probably doesn’t laugh or smile much nowadays. YOU can bring that into her world. YOU can call her and keep it light and make her laugh. Avoid “that” topic. YOU get the help YOU need so the old man doesn’t ruin YOUR marriage. Deal with YOUR wounds.

Just be loving, and be there for her. But none of you have a role right now in “fixing” your sister. The therapist is having to do major damage control from all the previous “help.”

Sorry to be blunt. But that’s the way it is. Her choice is to leave him and go back into the old cauldron of insanity? I suggest you all can help her by going and getting group therapy with the other sisters. Get some clarity.

Just be the person who brings laughter and joy into her world. Let the therapist deal with all the serious stuff. Just keep congratulating your sister on her courage. Maybe tell her “Gee, I wish I had the guts to go do that.” BUILD HER UP! And pray for her.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

Your job is to be the sister who will never leave her side.

She will make the right choice…and she will need your support.

Sadly… that is all you can do. But it will mean alot to her.

God Bless You!

 

[JAGCath28]

We thought it was a good idea to remove her from the situation because we were trying to protect her. That was our only motive. We love her so much.

We’ve told her previously that he is NEVER welcome in our homes, around us, etc. So, what do we do now? She’s chosen him anyway. We have this family friend who my sister has been talking to about this situation. The friend pretty much told her that she should never tell us if he hurts her again. I guess the friend went through an abusive marriage, and when she told her family, they rushed in to try to help her like we did and she “learned her lesson.” I don’t get that mindset. We did it (and I know her family did it) out of love. We did it because we love her and don’t want to see her hurt. So, now if this happens again, my sister is just going to hide it from us and let it keep happening.

The other thing is that she’s only been with this guy for 9 months. So, in 9 months he’s managed to get a major hold on her. I equate him to a dumb puppy dog. I’ve never really thought he was a good fit for our family, but tolerated him out of love for my sister. I never in my wildest dreams thought he was capable of hurting her. So, when it happened twice, I was beside myself. Our family friend said that she’s heard their telephone conversations and he’s not mean, and he never says anything negative. I think what bothers me the most is that I don’t know what his angle is. I don’t know if he breaks her down in private and just acts nice in public or what. I can’t assume anything right now. And I’ve seen him drunk too. He wasn’t violent. So, I’m so confused!!!

I have a younger sister who is a senior in high school who looks up to us, and because of this, she’s begun dating a guy who treats her awful. We think it is because she sees my other sister allowing this to happen so now she thinks this is OK. When is enough enough??? How do you get through to them that no matter what excuses you make, what he’s done to her is not right?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

No, the senior in high school did not decide in the last 9 months that this is okay. She grew up in the same disfunction that has affected all of you. And this young generation of kids has few good role models and little sense of self control. So the girls are increasingly being subjected to dating violence.

You need to keep stressing to her that violence is not the way people who love you show you that love.

Don’t try to figure out the relationship with your sister and her BF from the outside looking in. He may have a substance abuse problem and when they’re alone he may be drunk and violent. Or he could be a complete fraud who puts on the nice face for the public and in private is a violent maniac.

Being seriously assaulted 2 times in nine months is a LOT to put up with and stay. Your family friend that told her not to tell the family again is no real friend. Will she drive your sister to the emergency room the next time it happens? Will she be the one to help pay for the dental work if he knocks some teeth out? She has no idea how conversations go when the two are alone without an audience.

Ultimatums are not good. By not allowing the creep into your house, you basically forced her out the door into his arms. Of course she chose him. You thought she’d say, “Gosh, he’s not allowed here anymore. They’re right. I’m going to dump him!” No! Now you’ve marginalized her, making her make a choice she wasn’t ready to make. You or him.

She chose because you forced her hand.

He’s not good enough for your family? So she’s not either, because she sees him as an extension of herself. I’m going to be mean and say that you’re in a little bit of denial too. He was not a good fit for your family? REALLY?? He sounds like he fits perfectly! An abusive dad and a mother and father with addictions and abuse issues and kids that have taken abuse for years, estrangements from close relatives because of a controlling father… your family had his name written all over it! Once you lose that denial, you can actually start helping your younger sister instead of blaming the abuse victim for her sister’s romantic choices. DON’T EVEN GO THERE!!! She’s dealing with enough right now and you will lose her forever if you even once say that SHE is responsible for her younger sister’s choices. Right now, she’s not completely responsible for her own choices. She was conditioned for 22 years to believe she has so little worth that if a man she isn’t even married to hits her, she has to stay and take it because that’s the poor excuse for “love” she’s known all her life.

As long as that boyfriend wasn’t breaking any in-house rules in your presence, you should have let him come over. That way you could privately snarl at him and tell him in the kitchen away from her that you were watching him closely.

Instead, now he sees her on his turf and on his terms and YOU ALL are marginalized.

You did his work alienating her from her family for him.

Does his family know he landed your sister in the hospital?

Learn some lessons in how to handle this. Because something tells me you’re going to revisit this issue with the youngest sister too. You all need to get into some serious counselling to undo decades of damage. You were kids who watched substance abuse, violence and your own mother effectively abandoning you. Daddy still has a controlling hold on you all, whether you realize it or not. He got away with his abuse. You all are silently seething about it, I’m sure. Did anyone ever confront him with HIS blame in this whole mess? Has he ever accounted for HIS sins to you all? Or did you all just give him a free pass and say “it’s over. Can’t undo the past.” Because you’re all going to relive that past in your futures if you don’t deal with it now.

 

[Serap]

St. Jude and Liberasomo have given you some really good advice. I have nothing to add to what they have told you.

They are both strong women who have been through what your sister has been through.

It is a very difficult situation especially now that your youngest sister is displaying the same behaviour. It breaks my heart that parents get away with so much abuse!!

 

[JAGCath28]

His family does know, but my sister made sure to tell them that it really wasn’t as big of a deal as we were making it out to be.

 

[JAGCath28]

As long as that boyfriend wasn’t breaking any in-house rules in your presence, you should have let him come over. That way you could privately snarl at him and tell him in the kitchen away from her that you were watching him closely.

This makes no sense to me. I’m sorry. How in the world could we let him come over when we KNOW that HE DID THAT TO HER??? Isn’t that just telling her that it is OK?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Hug your friends close, your enemies closer?”

Right now, as long as your sister sees them as a package deal, if you want her, you have to have him along.

You can make it clear that this isn’t about you liking or approving of him. (Love the sinner, hate the sin)

It’s about you loving HER more than disliking him.

You don’t need to throw him a ticker tape parade.

Deep down she knows what he did isn’t okay.

That’s why so many women who are being abused hide it from their families. In their heads, they can forgive him for what he did, but they know their families never will. So they hide the truth. And then you have families standing around on tv saying they had no idea the murdered woman was being abused by her husband/boyfriend/fiance.

By bringing him into the house, you are telling her that him not being allowed in will be HER choice when SHE is tired of him, not just one more person in her life telling her what’s good for her and telling her what she must do.

I hear a lot of comments “we thought it was good for her to remove her” and the aunts yanking the money and taking her out of school… like she was property.

She won’t respect herself until you all start treating her with some respect. She isn’t an object you remove from places or people at your whim.

You can tell her that if he starts getting counselling, he will be welcome back in your homes and can visit with her.

You can tell her that if he loves her, he will try to fix his problem NOW so he doesn’t end up doing to his kids what your father did to you. Like it or not, those kids could be YOUR NIECES OR NEPHEWS someday. And you can step into the role of the aunts and you can replay this garbage for a new generation.

Or you can hope he disappears and you can kick that can down the road and he’ll do it to another person’s sister and someone else’s kids someday and the cycle will never end.

How does landing someone in the hospital translate to not being a big thing? His family has to have a clue. I bet his father was a wife beater. Boys learn that somewhere.

What you’ve done for 9 months has not worked well. If he doesn’t consent to getting counselling for his issues, she will know he doesn’t care as much as he pretends. Let her figure that out.

 

[Serap]

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Hug your friends close, your enemies closer?”

Right now, as long as your sister sees them as a package deal, if you want her, you have to have him along.

You can make it clear that this isn’t about you liking or approving of him. (Love the sinner, hate the sin)

It’s about you loving HER more than disliking him.

You don’t need to throw him a ticker tape parade.

Deep down she knows what he did isn’t okay.

That’s why so many women who are being abused hide it from their families. In their heads, they can forgive him for what he did, but they know their families never will. So they hide the truth. And then you have families standing around on tv saying they had no idea the murdered woman was being abused by her husband/boyfriend/fiance.

By bringing him into the house, you are telling her that him not being allowed in will be HER choice when SHE is tired of him, not just one more person in her life telling her what’s good for her and telling her what she must do.

I hear a lot of comments “we thought it was good for her to remove her” and the aunts yanking the money and taking her out of school… like she was property.

She won’t respect herself until you all start treating her with some respect. She isn’t an object you remove from places or people at your whim.

You can tell her that if he starts getting counselling, he will be welcome back in your homes and can visit with her.

You can tell her that if he loves her, he will try to fix his problem NOW so he doesn’t end up doing to his kids what your father did to you. Like it or not, those kids could be YOUR NIECES OR NEPHEWS someday. And you can step into the role of the aunts and you can replay this garbage for a new generation.

Or you can hope he disappears and you can kick that can down the road and he’ll do it to another person’s sister and someone else’s kids someday and the cycle will never end.

How does landing someone in the hospital translate to not being a big thing? His family has to have a clue. I bet his father was a wife beater. Boys learn that somewhere.

What you’ve done for 9 months has not worked well. If he doesn’t consent to getting counselling for his issues, she will know he doesn’t care as much as he pretends. Let her figure that out.

You should write a book with all that wisdom!!! Seriously!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Thanks, Serap.

What I see here is a lot of denial at work. The young man is an outcast because everyone “knows what he did to their sister.”

Let’s ignore the elephant in the room.

These same women watched their father treat them and their mother like ****. Do they go hug the man who demeaned and abused mom for years? Do they welcome him into their homes even after witnessing years of abuse?

Abuse that was probably so bad it probably contributed to her alcoholism and abandoning her children? (Just a guess there…)

Being the mom watching children reward daddy for being “wonderful” knowing what he did to me (or saying they don’t remember, so that makes him all right. Though he never once apologized) is VERY painful. Have you all had that conversation with your mother? “It’s okay that he was mean to you mom, as long as he didn’t hit me, I’m okay with what he did to you.”

NOW you’re all going to get mad at the new guy who really is just a 2.0 version of daddy?

And daddy gets to put on the white hat and lead the charge of the light brigade against the boy and “save” the daughter from living out the example he set?

What kind of Kabuki theater is this???

If your father is allowed in your home, then you must be consistent and allow this person in your home too.

Because apparently you all have the ability to overlook abuse and maltreatment and give people a pass on that. Forgive and forget and sweep under the rug is the family motto. Even the aunts-- did they care what their brother was doing to his wife?

Just do what you’ve been doing for years and sit around and pretend it never happened. That’s how your sister survives it. She learned long ago to just wake up the next day and pretend nothing happened.

Again, I don’t mean to be unkind, but there is a lot of twisted thinking and ignoring of elephants in the room going on, and the focus and blame is being placed on the new guy. He can’t be a scapegoat for all the family’s problems that were going on long before he came along. He’s just brought the issues out into the open. In that sense, he did you all a favor. Better now than later.

Maybe because of him you all will resolve these issues before you carry them into the families you create in the coming years.

Do the Christian thing and help him get help too.

I know this is difficult for you because you are not there. Handling this long distance is hard. But your distance can also give you some objectivity. Use that to your advantage. You got away from all that. Let your example speak for itself. Let your happiness in your own relationship speak for itself.

But right now it’s like lifting up rocks and all the creepy crawlies are coming out. Needs to be done. Too much pointing fingers outward and not enough critical examination of years of disfunction and the lasting effects on you all. Even the title of this post… all about the sister’s denial. The whole family is in denial and that’s what keeps this kind of thing going on for years. Do your future children a favor and get all this purged and dealt with now.

 

[JAGCath28]

When this happened, I sent my dad a text and told him that I partially blame him for this happening. I then went further to tell him that the way he treated my mom caused us to think it was ok for men to treat us this way. I told him that until he got on his knees crying and begging for forgiveness, admitting what he had done, my sister will continue to live in this pattern. I also said something similar in an email where practically the whole family was CC’d. It has been named.

He is no longer welcome in my home although not necessarily on my account. My husband is tired of the hypocrisy, the lies, and the games. I am too, but am willing to forgive and move on…it’s different when it’s your dad versus “some guy.” Anyway, I really appreciate your advice. I need to see someone. I think that is very apparent.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

When this happened, I sent my dad a text and told him that I partially blame him for this happening. I then went further to tell him that the way he treated my mom caused us to think it was ok for men to treat us this way. I told him that until he got on his knees crying and begging for forgiveness, admitting what he had done, my sister will continue to live in this pattern. I also said something similar in an email where practically the whole family was CC’d. It has been named.

He is no longer welcome in my home although not necessarily on my account. My husband is tired of the hypocrisy, the lies, and the games. I am too, but am willing to forgive and move on…it’s different when it’s your dad versus “some guy.” Anyway, I really appreciate your advice. I need to see someone. I think that is very apparent.

My husbands family said NOTHING to thier dad. They … we all… sat around and watched him treat thier mother terrible.

Grown men in that family said nothing. Of course… my husband was doing the same to me. But his brothers… nothing. His sisters… nothing. They all grew up with issues…sisters married abusers… ect…

For me… I got my son away from all of them. My husband ran off with another woman and hasnt cared to see our son in 5 years… which… I am actually thankful for.

My son never hears any excuses for his dads abuse and he never wants any contact with his dad or that family ever again. I will break that pattern with my child.
Over my dead lifeless body will it continue.

For me… my father in law being a preacher makes it worse… hypocrite. That is the last thing I want my son to think a Christian is.

Good for you for saying that to your dad. Your mother didnt deserve it. It isnt acceptable.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Wow. That took courage to write that letter.

Just remember… to your sister, he isn’t “some guy.” He could be the person she is bonding with through sexual intercourse. To her, he has taken the father’s place in her heart.

It’s lucky you have a husband to protect you and not to perpetuate the cycle. You seem to have a clearer grip of the issues than the others. You can lead the way out of this mess by example.

Is there any way your husband can mentor this guy a little? Sometimes men will listen to other men. I see a lot of women in this deal and this boy has already shown that the opinion of females means little to him.

You are a good sister. I don’t want you to lose sight of that in all my comments. The love of my own sisters helped me more than they will ever know. In the end I realized they loved me long before he came along and they love me long after he left.

Your sister is too young to realize that boyfriends, fiances, lovers and husbands come and go. But sisters are forever.

 

[JAGCath28]

My dad and his sisters grew up in an abusive home which is where he gets it from. My aunts never knew the extent of what happened in our childhood until this happened with my sister. It all came out. Stil, they are willing to move past what my dad did in order to be with us. My uncles despise him, but they love their wives so they tolerate him. They don’t view my sister’s boyfriend as having any real hold on her in the sense that my dad is my dad and their brother. This guy is just some guy. So they don’t have to allow him in their lives if they don’t want to…they have to allow their brother. (Not saying this is OK…just saying)

My grandpa eventually changed…I keep praying that my dad will too. My grandpa and my dad hate each other which to me is like hating themselves. They have to see themselves in each other.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

It’s really time to stop the madness. In that sense, your sister’s BF did you all a favor. He opened the door and allowed a little light on the whole mess.

Maybe you should throw him a parade after all.

Seriously, your aunts are wrong to dismiss the boy and try to control the situation like that. They aren’t treating your sister with respect. By giving her that for once, maybe she’ll learn to demand it more in her dealings with people.

The only lesson they’re teaching is that the high school sister is seeing this and if she’s ever hit by a boyfriend, she will NEVER tell any of you!

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

My dad and his sisters grew up in an abusive home which is where he gets it from. My aunts never knew the extent of what happened in our childhood until this happened with my sister. It all came out. Stil, they are willing to move past what my dad did in order to be with us. My uncles despise him, but they love their wives so they tolerate him. They don’t view my sister’s boyfriend as having any real hold on her in the sense that my dad is my dad and their brother. This guy is just some guy. So they don’t have to allow him in their lives if they don’t want to…they have to allow their brother. (Not saying this is OK…just saying)

My grandpa eventually changed…I keep praying that my dad will too. My grandpa and my dad hate each other which to me is like hating themselves. They have to see themselves in each other.

I met my husband when I was young … I have ben thinking what could have been done to get me away from him before marriage and a child came along.

I didnt come from an abusive family so… I dont think they had a clue on what that was.
He was really controlling when we were dating…they didnt like that at all.

I wish they would have seen it for what it really was and gotten me out of it.

My husband before we were dating …dated a girl whose parents came in the middle of the night from another city and moved her out. They just showed up unannounced with a Uhaul.
I should have had a clue as to why.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And I bet your grandpa didn’t change. He just ran out of people to hit, and he would get pounded into the ground if he tried that nowadays.

Unless he’s come to the aunts and everyone in tears begging forgiveness, he hasn’t changed. He’s just too old and too weak to bully people anymore. But that doesn’t mean he still isn’t a bully.

Again, too many people giving your father a pass. All to maintain relationships with his victims. On what planet does that happen???!

Just because he’s their brother, the aunts have chosen to ignore it all?

I had a mother in law like that. She didn’t want to believe her precious baby could do the things he did. So she blew off her granddaughter trying to tell her. She told me to put on boxing gloves and take it out in the yard. “Don’t fight in front of the kids.”

She never condemned him till it was done to HER. (Not physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Now she hates him. But not because he was a monster, but because he was a monster to her.)

I feel sorry for your mom in all of this. She probably never got any apology. Daddy appears to have lost little for all his bad behavior. She is watching her daughter venture into a life of the same pain she had. And she’s drowning her sorrows.

Have you called your mom and said, “Mom, this is the letter I wrote to dad. What he did to you was wrong.”

She needs to hear those words out loud. From someone. She needs someone to help her heal too.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I wish they would have seen it for what it really was and gotten me out of it.

My husband before we were dating …dated a girl whose parents came in the middle of the night from another city and moved her out. They just showed up unannounced with a Uhaul.
I should have had a clue as to why.

St.Jude, that’s the flip side of this coin. There are families that pass this down like heirlooms. And then there is the family that has no familiarity with this pattern and cannot recognize the signs for what they are because it’s like behavior from another planet. Mine was like that. They didn’t even know the questions to ask. It was beyond any scope of experience any of us had.

All the signs are seen very clearly in retrospect. Like the family with the Uhaul. Yeah, that’s a red flashing light, now that you think about it.

Mine was engaged twice before me. The first fiancee dumped him without telling him why. (So the story goes.) He never talked about her for a few years. Later I found out he called his mother at work and made vague comments about killing himself and she drove out and rescued big baby. He’s always been a drama queen manipulating people like that.

When he told me, he cried. I was too young and dumb to wonder what kind of woman breaks up with a man and never tells him why. Or maybe she did and he left that part out. Because we all know when we break up with a man, we let him know exactly what he did to tick us off!



His second fiancee was “crazy” and a “liar.” I took HIS word for it.

Till he went around telling people I was crazy and a liar when he left me.

And my family had no clue. Not till we put the puzzle pieces together years later and realized the real picture did NOT match the picture on the box he came in.

But sometimes we fall into a relationship with someone that controlling because our own lives had controlling people… who may not have been violent, but still had issues.

St. Jude, your family expressed concerns to you about xh’s controlling behavior. They did not like that. But something was amiss in your relationship with your family that you chose to ignore what they were worried about or didn’t trust their advice, and proceeded with the relationship. THAT is the issue you have to look at. When you figure that out, you can begin healing in that broken place.

I’m sure the story of the Uhaul was told to you in the sense that he was the victim and his ex had a controlling family and they were crazy and it’s good you were too independent to fall for that garbage, and your family better not ruin your happiness (because they’re just jealous, right?)

He probably played on your growing sense of independence to manipulate you into disregarding that. Because abusers are master manipulators who play everyone they meet like a violin. Every tune is tailored to the person they’re playing for.

Beware the guy who comes across as just a little too perfect.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

St.Jude, that’s the flip side of this coin. There are families that pass this down like heirlooms. And then there is the family that has no familiarity with this pattern and cannot recognize the signs for what they are because it’s like behavior from another planet. Mine was like that. They didn’t even know the questions to ask. It was beyond any scope of experience any of us had.

All the signs are seen very clearly in retrospect. Like the family with the Uhaul. Yeah, that’s a red flashing light, now that you think about it.

Mine was engaged twice before me. The first fiancee dumped him without telling him why. (So the story goes.) He never talked about her for a few years. Later I found out he called his mother at work and made vague comments about killing himself and she drove out and rescued big baby. He’s always been a drama queen manipulating people like that.

When he told me, he cried. I was too young and dumb to wonder what kind of woman breaks up with a man and never tells him why. Or maybe she did and he left that part out. Because we all know when we break up with a man, we let him know exactly what he did to tick us off!



His second fiancee was “crazy” and a “liar.” I took HIS word for it.

Till he went around telling people I was crazy and a liar when he left me.

And my family had no clue. Not till we put the puzzle pieces together years later and realized the real picture did NOT match the picture on the box he came in.

But sometimes we fall into a relationship with someone that controlling because our own lives had controlling people… who may not have been violent, but still had issues.

St. Jude, your family expressed concerns to you about xh’s controlling behavior. They did not like that. But something was amiss in your relationship with your family that you chose to ignore what they were worried about or didn’t trust their advice, and proceeded with the relationship. THAT is the issue you have to look at. When you figure that out, you can begin healing in that broken place.

I’m sure the story of the Uhaul was told to you in the sense that he was the victim and his ex had a controlling family and they were crazy and it’s good you were too independent to fall for that garbage, and your family better not ruin your happiness (because they’re just jealous, right?)

He probably played on your growing sense of independence to manipulate you into disregarding that. Because abusers are master manipulators who play everyone they meet like a violin. Every tune is tailored to the person they’re playing for.

Beware the guy who comes across as just a little too perfect.

Exactly!

I was told by the ex girlfriends friend about the Uhaul… his story was she had a controlling family… yadda yadda.

I was so young and . ugh. I feel very bad for this situation. Her sister is young and her whole life is front of her if she could just see clearly and love herself.

My ex is a sociopath… a pathological liar and a manipulator in the worst sense.
My parents fell for him in most ways too.

I had a wonderful psychologist that helped me. This was almost 6 years ago. I am 85% healed I would say. I see him for what he was. My son sees it (he is 17 now).
I made it.
I am one of the lucky ones. So are you.
Alot of women dont make it. They are either beaten down thier whole lives or they are killed.