"Act like an adult and you'll be treated like one"

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DarkLight

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Is there any good answer to that phrase? What I want to say is no, I expect to be treated like an adult because I am one, no matter what your opinion of how adults should behave. But of course that just doesn’t work when the other person sees you as acting “childish.” How do you have a mature discussion about what’s mature, anyway?
 
How about,
“See me as an adult or you’ll be seeing a lot less of me.”

Of course, I don’t know who’s involved
or the circumstances …
 
I think this is a little manipulative game on the same level as “see what you made me do?”

There is a book by a psychologist-Games people play, I think it notes all of these types of behaviour.
 
You could ask them to be specific about what they mean, and if they give instances of things that adults do all the time, you could provide them examples of that. You could point out that there are many different ways of being an adult.

It’s a lot less confrontational and takes into account the possibility (if there is one in the circumstances–I wouldn’t know) that the person really believes what they are saying. Sometimes people aren’t lying or being manipulative, they’re just mistaken. sometimes people think they are thinking, “I wish that person would just grow up,” when subconsciously what they are really thinking is, “I wish that person would be more like me.” They’re not being stupid and mean on purpose, and they may think that you would be happier if you would be more like them. Saying something snarky won’t help them come to your point of view. 😉

Of course, if what they’re talking about is something related to financial dependance, there’s not much you can do about it. In a lot of cases, “My house, my rules,” is not automatically revoked by reaching a certain age, but only by moving out. Since I don’t know any of the circumstances, I have no idea whether that would apply here.

God guide you in responding! He knows more about your circumstances than even you do. 🙂

–Jen
 
If a person is saying something like this, I don’t think they can really be reasoned with-since they’re excusing demeaning, or insulting actions.
 
DarkLight said:
Is there any good answer to that phrase? What I want to say is no, I expect to be treated like an adult because I am one, no matter what your opinion of how adults should behave. But of course that just doesn’t work when the other person sees you as acting “childish.” How do you have a mature discussion about what’s mature, anyway?
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It depends on what the actors are doing and which characters are delivering the lines, not just the lines being delivered.

What specifically are you doing that they find “childish” and what specifically are they trying to excuse as a “justified” reaction that you find insulting, considering your age? Who are you talking with? Your parents? Your grandparents? Aunts or Uncles? Your siblings? Acquaintances who are how different from you in age?
 
It’s the usual culprit in my life - my mother. I really am starting to feel like “mature” means “act like I do.” Or at the very least mature seems to be needlessly conventional, whether or not there’s actually any benefit to the convention.
 
I would prefer the reverse of the phrase, that childish actions sometimes require a disciplinary response more appropriate to a child. This applies both to children and adults. But yes, it is easier to deal with someone as an adult that when the attitude and actions are reciprocal.

Perhaps it is easier to break down what “adult” means. Does it mean showing fiscal responsibility? Is it the ability to control one’s temper or language? Is it taking moral responsibility for one’s actions?
 
Well, what I want to stop is her lecturing and talking down to me. I don’t like being talked to like a child whenever I do something my mother doesn’t like. And I’m frustrated feeling like one thing she sees as immature overrides everything else. I’m taking care of myself as best as could be reasonably expected given my health, I’m at least trying to be polite and thinking through the choices I make, I’m working on setting myself up for a good future. That shouldn’t stop mattering the minute I say something my mother doesn’t like about religion.

And there are things that most adults don’t do that I can still do without being immature. A bit of exterior “girlishness” isn’t itself a problem, so long as I’m not doing anything sinful or unwise. If I want to put my hair in pigtails and bows and watch my little pony over a bowl of ice cream, I don’t see why that being seen as immature ought to stop me.
 
DarkLight said:
Well, what I want to stop is her lecturing and talking down to me. I don’t like being talked to like a child whenever I do something my mother doesn’t like.
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Might I suggest that you take a break and not visit her for a while, if you need a break.
 
amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-OK-Thomas-Harris/dp/0060724277

This book has how we interact with people…adult, child, and parent, Transactional Analysis. It is tough to interact with someone that continually treats us like children after we’re grown.

I don’t know the other details, but yeah, it is trying. I forget what the book recommended on how to change that situation of Parent-Child (adult child) relating, instead of Adult-to-Adult.
I think it gives suggestions and advice, though.
 
Although, equally, if an adult puts her hair in pigtails and watches a child’s movie and acts like a child in every way, it would be hard to take her seriously as an adult. It could come across as being immature, basically.
 
DarkLight said:
Is there any good answer to that phrase?
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I suggest the adult thing to do would be to say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away.

If you want your mother to treat you more like an adult, you will not acheive this via argument. Arguing with a parent is exactly what a child would do, and will reinforce her view of you as the child arguing back. Don’t argue back.

Instead, remain calm, act calm, speak calmly, and walk away (calmly) if needed. If needed, you can even put the shoe on the other foot by saying something like “I’ll have this conversation with you when you have calmed down” (but that may be inflamatory).
 
underacloud said:
I suggest the adult thing to do would be to say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away.

If you want your mother to treat you more like an adult, you will not acheive this via argument. Arguing with a parent is exactly what a child would do, and will reinforce her view of you as the child arguing back. Don’t argue back.

Instead, remain calm, act calm, speak calmly, and walk away (calmly) if needed. If needed, you can even put the shoe on the other foot by saying something like “I’ll have this conversation with you when you have calmed down” (but that may be inflamatory).
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This is good advice. Many people feel that their parents, especially their same-gender parent, have this ability to make them crazy because the parents “won’t let them grow up.” Some people can be appointed to preside over a court, and their mothers might still be able to do this to them.

OP, part of growing up is realizing that your parents may never get over the speed with which you grew up. They simply cannot believe you really made it. They feel certain their child is in there somewhere inside you, and they know what that “little squirt” can do!

Dare to just be a grown up and shake your head affectionately at your mother and her life in her time capsule. Give yourself permission, and even a little nudge, to move along the trail, even if Mom won’t follow. You cannot make her keep up with you any more than she can keep you from growing up. Be respectful, but stick to your guns, make your own decisions, and don’t worry too much if it takes Mom awhile to catch up. If she never does, believe me, you won’t be alone!
 
DarkLight said:
Is there any good answer to that phrase? What I want to say is no, I expect to be treated like an adult because I am one, no matter what your opinion of how adults should behave. But of course that just doesn’t work when the other person sees you as acting “childish.” How do you have a mature discussion about what’s mature, anyway?
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I agree that that is not a nice thing for someone to say. However, looking at the other side of the coin, I do sometimes find it difficult to treat an adult as an adult, when that adult is behaving like a child. I’m not saying that YOU were behaving like a child. But in general, some adults do sometimes throw tantrums and engage in other childish behaviors. And when an adult behaves in a very childish manner, it can be a challenge for other adults to relate to him or her on an adult level, at least in my experience.
 
underacloud said:
I suggest the adult thing to do would be to say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away.

If you want your mother to treat you more like an adult, you will not acheive this via argument. Arguing with a parent is exactly what a child would do, and will reinforce her view of you as the child arguing back. Don’t argue back.

Instead, remain calm, act calm, speak calmly, and walk away (calmly) if needed. If needed, you can even put the shoe on the other foot by saying something like “I’ll have this conversation with you when you have calmed down” (but that may be inflamatory).
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I’ve often found problems even with this. If I walk off, I am “throwing a tantrum” or “sulking.” If I engage, I am “being argumentative” or “contradicting.” If I remain and stay silent I am “disrespectful”. Sometimes at the end of the day it simply seems that she’ll think there is no possible way to be mature and make the choices I do. I swear it’s like when I was 14 and she’d tell me I was being immature for disobeying her. Seriously, I don’t plan on continuing to obey my mother when I have my own apartment!
PaulGH said:
I agree that that is not a nice thing for someone to say. However, looking at the other side of the coin, I do sometimes find it difficult to treat an adult as an adult, when that adult is behaving like a child. I’m not saying that YOU were behaving like a child. But in general, some adults do sometimes throw tantrums and engage in other childish behaviors. And when an adult behaves in a very childish manner, it can be a challenge for other adults to relate to him or her on an adult level, at least in my experience.
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Honestly part of it is so many of the behaviors she objects to seem very minor. My character matters, whether I act like a child or adult. The fact that I like playing pokemon, or sometimes do my hair in wednesday addams braids? Not so much. Yet it seems that the latter category often eclipses the former. It seems so dreadfully “grown up” in that peculiar way some children seem to have an awful horror of admitting they still like children’s games.
 
You’re just going to have to learn to live without her respect.

Lots of people have parents who (in less hurtful ways) are not quite clear on the fact that their kids are all grown up. A couple of years ago, my FIL wanted to call our old landlord on our behalf to complain about the downstairs neighbor and his huge dog. The complaint would have been valid (neighbor was not picking up after the dog–gross!), but my husband was 40 at the time–he could call his own landlord if he wanted to.

Once you get used to momming or dadding, it’s hard to remember that it’s time to stop.
 
Xantippe said:
You’re just going to have to learn to live without her respect.

Lots of people have parents who (in less hurtful ways) are not quite clear on the fact that their kids are all grown up. A couple of years ago, my FIL wanted to call our old landlord on our behalf to complain about the downstairs neighbor and his huge dog. The complaint would have been valid (neighbor was not picking up after the dog–gross!), but my husband was 40 at the time–he could call his own landlord if he wanted to.

Once you get used to momming or dadding, it’s hard to remember that it’s time to stop.
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I keep hoping there’s at least a “would you STOP that” option that doesn’t involve all the awkwardness of walking out the front door when she acts up. Especially as I’m not quite sure what the step after that would be?

That sounds very like something my mother would do though. She’s threatened to call my boss at work (who I promptly told if she did it’s not my fault).
 
DarkLight said:
I keep hoping there’s at least a “would you STOP that” option that doesn’t involve all the awkwardness of walking out the front door when she acts up. Especially as I’m not quite sure what the step after that would be?

**That’s unfortunately your best option. You don’t have to leave immediately, “Are we going to have a nice visit, or do I have to leave now?” is probably the first move. On the phone, “Mom, I don’t want to talk about this right now. Can we talk about something different, because if we can’t, I am going to have to sign off.”

You can leave and you can hang up. **

That sounds very like something my mother would do though. She’s threatened to call my boss at work (who I promptly told if she did it’s not my fault).
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Oh my gosh.
 
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