I didn’t recap everything I’ve written in previous threads. But the tl;dr version: we’ve been having issues with boundaries for some time. At this point my impression is that I’m dealing with someone who simply doesn’t want to respect boundaries, and won’t do so unless they are firmly enforced. It’s not a communication problem - it’s the problem of getting a parent to recognize that boundaries are where they are, and following them is a requirement for a continued relationship.
At this point, I’ve tried talking things out. And it’s become clear to me that the point of the discussions about boundaries and what is and isn’t allowed, isn’t actually to work out where the boundaries are for the relationship. It’s to try to pressure me into giving up and allowing the status quo to persist. That’s why I don’t want to keep explaining or arguing about what actually is going on - because at this point it’s just turned into a litany of excuses for why I’m being so unfair for actually enforcing the boundaries. (Sheesh, I feel like I’m the mother here.)
So in the clothing example - we might very well be dealing with a case where I’d said, look, I don’t want to hear any more criticism about my clothing. And of course the next time it comes up it’s not criticism, it’s an honest opinion. And the time after that she forgot. And the time after that she acts like she can’t even tell me I have food on my shirt because I said no criticizing my clothing. And the time after that I’m being unreasonable because she’s just so worried about me and I’ll never be able to manage looking like that…
Ok probably not all those back to back, but those have all happened repeatedly.
OK, so she doesn’t tell you that you have food on your shirt. Sure, Mom, if that means you’re going to lay off being my personal “What Not To Wear” commentator, I’ll live with that. I’m not buying that you’re quite that incapable of figuring out what I want, but sure.
You are very right–this is not about your clothing. It is a
power struggle, which is what parents have with children, rather rarely what adults who respect each other have with each other.
You also have to ask yourself when the ante has gotten so high that you’re done. She doesn’t think you can call her.
This is what Miss Manners says when someone makes a rude or inappropriate remark:
I beg your pardon? That is the offender’s shot across the bow. At “oops, I forgot,” you say, “Now…what was I saying? I think I was talking about my new job.” Then you talk about acceptable topics. If that works, great.
But let us say she doesn’t stop. She says, “how I am supposed to remember not to make innocent remarks?” You say, “You’re a smart lady. Keep practicing, you’ll get it.” Then she says, “Well, you have to admit that black is not your color.” And you say, “OK, that was not an oops. Enough. See you later!” And you leave, even though she follows you out the door harping on what a terrible person you are. Inside, congratulate yourself.
At “well, it is the truth” or “well, it is my opinion, and I have a right to have an opinion” you say, “I will thank you to keep your opinions to yourself.” Then she says, “Well, I can’t just sit here and watch you ruin your life” you say, “OK, then you don’t have to watch me, that’s going to have to be our compromise: You keep voicing your opinions, and I stay somewhere out of earshot. Everyone is happy. See you later, Mom.” And then you leave.
Yes, congratulate yourself, and expect a lot of one-step-forward-one-back-two-forward-three-back-two-forward-one-more-forward-will-this-ever-end. Rome was not built in a day. Lots of fits and starts.
Otherwise, one day you just say, “Life is too short for this nonsense. Mom, about six months from now, if you want to get real about laying off, call me. I won’t be coming back on my own for awhile, and I won’t be answering phone calls. I have really had it. I seriously need a rest. Bye.” And maybe some day you cut off social calls because they aren’t ever social. Sometimes, you have to do that.
