Addressing In law letters

  • Thread starter Thread starter Ann_Cheryl
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Ann_Cheryl

Guest
I have just received a thank you letter from my new DIL. It was from her and my son and was addressed to my husband and me by our first name.

She is not comfortable with using mom and dad with us but I am not combortable with a letter addressed to us by first name and signed by my son.

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut that will give me a perspective. Those of you who use your in-laws first name how do you handle written correspondance?

Thanks for your help
 
I always write “Mom and Dad” and sign things with both our names. I do call them by their first names when I’m speaking to them, or if I have a reason to write them something just from me. But, when it’s from my husband and me, I use the term he would use for them.
 
Is it really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things? I assume your son normally calls you Mom and Dad in person and on the phone and in any correspondence that is solely from him. It looks like your DIL took the time, effort and courtesy to thank you for something you generously gave to both of them. Since she does not call you Mom and Dad, it makes sense that as the writer of the note, she didn’t adjust her normal way of addressing either of you.

For us, it just depends on who is writing it. I have never addressed any correspondence to my in-laws as “Mom and Dad” and nor has my husband done so toward my parents, as far as I know. We sign our names regardless, however, and there has never been a problem. IMO, there is rarely an agenda behind a thank-you note, other then wanting to simply acknowledge the kindness of the giver.

If it is truly that big of a deal to you, then mention it to your son and if he chooses to take it upon himself to write future thank-you notes, so be it. If not, you’ve said what your preference is and your son can choose to honor it or not.
 
I said to call me whatever she (DIL) felt comfortable with; not to feel compelled to use any particular form. It seems to work OK so far (6mos.).
 
I do not call my inlaws “mom and dad” because they are not my mom and dad.

If I write the note, it is addressed to them by name. I typically write the corresondence, and he typically just signs his name-- or I sign both. I suppose if my husband writes it, he would write “mom & dad” and I would sign my name with it.

But basically, my question to you is WHO CARES??? And, why is this an issue with you? It’s completely ridiculous. You know who wrote the note, your daugher in law. Your son just scribbled his name on the bottom.

I can tell you that your daughter in law didn’t give it one minute’s thought, she’s just concerned about sending out thank you notes promptly. You might be waiting forever if it were up to your son to write the thank you.
 
40.png
1ke:
I do not call my inlaws “mom and dad” because they are not my mom and dad.

If I write the note, it is addressed to them by name. I typically write the corresondence, and he typically just signs his name-- or I sign both. I suppose if my husband writes it, he would write “mom & dad” and I would sign my name with it.

But basically, my question to you is WHO CARES??? And, why is this an issue with you? It’s completely ridiculous. You know who wrote the note, your daugher in law. Your son just scribbled his name on the bottom.

I can tell you that your daughter in law didn’t give it one minute’s thought, she’s just concerned about sending out thank you notes promptly. You might be waiting forever if it were up to your son to write the thank you.
Click to expand...
Gosh your response was harsh. Who cares? Obviously I do. This note was to thank us for the wedding gift. I mentioned it to my son and he thought it was inappropriate. I am going to talk to my DIL and I wanted to get some outside view point. Why is it an issue. It has to do with respect. I don’t beleive that a child should address parents in this fashion. The thank you note was sent out three months after the wedding not what I would consider “promplty” and there is more involved that I don’t want to get into. I wonder why you react so negatively to me have I hit a nerve?:confused:
 
40.png
1ke:
I do not call my inlaws “mom and dad” because they are not my mom and dad.

If I write the note, it is addressed to them by name. I typically write the corresondence, and he typically just signs his name-- or I sign both. I suppose if my husband writes it, he would write “mom & dad” and I would sign my name with it.

But basically, my question to you is WHO CARES??? And, why is this an issue with you? It’s completely ridiculous. You know who wrote the note, your daugher in law. Your son just scribbled his name on the bottom.

I can tell you that your daughter in law didn’t give it one minute’s thought, she’s just concerned about sending out thank you notes promptly. You might be waiting forever if it were up to your son to write the thank you.
Click to expand...
If the OP went to the trouble of posting this thread it’s because it is bothering her and she wanted some insights on this. I notice that sometimes I read replies that are a little harsh and maybe they are not intended to be but that is the trouble with posts as well as emails. Personally, I preview my post as if reading through someone else’s eyes.

And to address the original question, maybe, you can bring it up with your d-i-l later on but gently as she probably isn’t even aware of it. I call my f-i-l Dad but only because I call my own father Daddy. I call my husband’s stepmom by her first name.

Hope it works out for you.
 
Ann Cheryl:
Gosh your response was harsh. Who cares? Obviously I do. This note was to thank us for the wedding gift. I mentioned it to my son and he thought it was inappropriate. I am going to talk to my DIL and I wanted to get some outside view point. Why is it an issue. It has to do with respect. I don’t beleive that a child should address parents in this fashion. The thank you note was sent out three months after the wedding not what I would consider “promplty” and there is more involved that I don’t want to get into. I wonder why you react so negatively to me have I hit a nerve?:confused:
Click to expand...
Um…3 months after the wedding is not long at all. In fact, that’s pretty normal. They’re newlyweds. Give 'em a break. I don’t see why it’s inappropriate. If your son thinks so, then he should take it upon himself to send you correspondence in the future, and his wife will sign it.

By the way, this is exactly how I send cards and stuff to my in laws. They’ve never had a problem…I doubt they even noticed. I’m not going to call them mom and dad, they are not my parents. Your daughter in law should not be expected to do so either.

Plus, if I waited for my husband to send out the cards/thank you notes, etc., it would never get done. 😛

I just don’t see it as being a big deal. At least they sent you a thank you note! 🙂
 
With my in laws it was Mama and Poppy, because that what their children called them and they considered me like a daughter, it never took away from the love and respect I have for my Mom and Dad. Envelopes were addressed Mr and Mrs._________ (for the Post Office only) and inside Mama and Poppy or Mom and Dad. My brother writes Mom and Dad (no last name) on the envelopes (he’s 45):ehh:
 
Be careful, this is sticky, my mom said a few innocent remarks to my sister in law and we did not speak to her or my brother for 6 months and in that 6 months we also did not see my brothers two children, it was HORRIBLE, you need to ask yourself, is this totally, totally, worth getting my new dil even a little upset? I bet she didn’t put any thought into it, I bet she did not sit there thinking, oh, this will hurt my mil feelings.
A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, they shall travel onto where the two will be as one.

Hey, I thought my brother would have taken my folks side, no he did not, he made it crystal clear (this is my wife, she comes first, don’t any of you Ever make me choose one of you over her, you’ll never win, she is first) and I would expect the same from my husband.

I sign my notes to my mil just like your dil did and my mil if she has a problem with it is would never say so and if she did I would feel pretty annoyed.

Hey, just be careful, she comes first now.
 
I’ve been married for three years and would never call my in laws Mom and Dad–they aren’t my parents. My husband doesn’t call my parents Mom and Dad–they aren’t his parents. We each address our in-laws by their first names. Correspondance, like birthday cards, on the envelope are addressed by name, on the inside to “Mom G.” or “Dad H.”

I think Kamz hits the nail on the head–is this such an issue that you would risk alienating your son or DIL? If she’s uncomfortable addressing you as mom, give her time, maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t. Let her get used to being married, being part of new family.

If your son thinks the way his wife addressed you was innappropriate, he should handle the correspondance!
 
40.png
1ke:
I do not call my inlaws “mom and dad” because they are not my mom and dad.

If I write the note, it is addressed to them by name. I typically write the corresondence, and he typically just signs his name-- or I sign both. I suppose if my husband writes it, he would write “mom & dad” and I would sign my name with it.

But basically, my question to you is WHO CARES??? And, why is this an issue with you? It’s completely ridiculous. You know who wrote the note, your daugher in law. Your son just scribbled his name on the bottom.

I can tell you that your daughter in law didn’t give it one minute’s thought, she’s just concerned about sending out thank you notes promptly. You might be waiting forever if it were up to your son to write the thank you.
Click to expand...
OUCH! Time to limit your caffeine intake or start your cocktail hour earlier.

To the OP–I have always called my dear ILs “Mother & Dad”–it just seemed to fit (they didn’t offer any suggestions). They were/are the same age as my grandparents and I can’t imagine EVER using their first names–way too familiar, lacking in deference and not at all in keeping with their social custom–which to me was more important than keeping my own. As the years have gone by (now married 17 years) they have become as dear to me as my own parents and the title fits even better. By all means offer the suggestion of your preference to your DIL–she’ll probably appreciate it.
 
Ann Cheryl:
I don’t beleive that a child should address parents in this fashion.
Click to expand...
Well, she’s not your child. In fact, if she’s married to your son, she is not a child at all! She is a grown woman!

I call my IL’s by their first names. My DH calls my parents my their first names. Everyone is happy! His parents are not my mom and dad, so I would be very uncomfortable calling them that.

Don’t drive a wedge between your son and his wife. She does come first now!
 
Island Oak:
By all means offer the suggestion of your preference to your DIL–she’ll probably appreciate it.
Click to expand...
I remember Ann Cheryl starting a thread on her preference for DIL to call she and her husband Mom & Dad. I think the OP did make the offer, but DIL feels more comfortable with first names–if I remember correctly.
 
40.png
Catholic90:
Well, she’s not your child. In fact, if she’s married to your son, she is not a child at all! She is a grown woman!

I call my IL’s by their first names. My DH calls my parents my their first names. Everyone is happy! His parents are not my mom and dad, so I would be very uncomfortable calling them that.

Don’t drive a wedge between your son and his wife. She does come first now!
Click to expand...
Not only this, not only is She not a child, the OP’s son is also not a child and although I’m sure its not easy, one has to let go.
Unless the son starts calling his parents by their first names when he himself talks to them or see’s them, really, I would leave it alone, give the new dil some time to get used to this new family and remember the son now has his new family and that must come first, when kids come along you don’t want to not see them, and getting off on the wrong foot with a dil or sil can go a long way to a life time of problems. Pray, Pray, Pray but tread carefully.
 
We’ve been married for just over a year, and we call in-laws by their first names. It’s not disrespectful because it’s how we were introduced, and how they prefer us to call them. I look at it like talking to my parents’ friends. When I was young, I was taught that if the adult would not accept the title of Mr./Mrs./Ms., then attach an ‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ to the name. This simply would not do for my wonderful inlaws! It would be stranger still to call them ‘Mom’ or Dad. I think it will be much easier when our baby names them, or they prefer to be called Grandma and Grandpa/Pop, etc. This will definitely be more natural, because it is setting a good example and being consistent for the children.

As far as thank-you notes for wedding gifts, I remember my own trepidations about how to address the in-laws, and not just DH’s parents! The whole family seems to be pretty informal, so the aunts and uncles are usually addressed by their first names. This came as somewhat of a shock to me, since I was brought up ‘old school’. Shows how much I know!

I guess the long and short of it is that you need to be called what’s comfortable for you and your DIL. I would really hate it if my inlaws would call me by the wrong nickname-- like Kathy or Kit.
 
joey(name removed by moderator):
If the OP went to the trouble of posting this thread it’s because it is bothering her and she wanted some insights on this. I
Click to expand...
Thank you I appreciate your understanding. It is very hard to explain. We all come from different heritages.
 
Island Oak:
OUCH! Time to limit your caffeine intake or start your cocktail hour earlier.

To the OP–I have always called my dear ILs “Mother & Dad”–it just seemed to fit (they didn’t offer any suggestions). They were/are the same age as my grandparents and I can’t imagine EVER using their first names–way too familiar, lacking in deference and not at all in keeping with their social custom–which to me was more important than keeping my own. As the years have gone by (now married 17 years) they have become as dear to me as my own parents and the title fits even better. By all means offer the suggestion of your preference to your DIL–she’ll probably appreciate it.
Click to expand...
Thanks. Some of the posting have really depressed me. My DIL is loved by us. She dated my son for five years and visited with us many times. We share a lot but our backgrounds are not similiar.
 
I have been married 23 years. When I was introduced to my future inlaws, I started to call them Mr and Mrs. and was asked by my future MIL to call her by her first name. By the time we were married, I had been calling them by their first names for a year and a half already. Was too weird to switch to Mom and Dad. And it implies a closeness that is not there. To this day I call them by their first names.

As far as written correspondence, it depended on who initiated it. If my husband was sending a birthday/anniversary etc card, he would address it Mom and Dad and I would add my name to it. If it was a thank you note or something from me, I would address it to their first names. Usually if it was coming from me, my husband would not add his name to it.

I would have loved it if my husband would have added his name to wedding thank you’s. I hated that it was considered my job even though I had no clue who half the people were that I was thanking.

Arlene
 
When I am writing a card to my in-laws from both my husband and myself I address it Mom & Dad even though I do not call them that. My own parents do not like to be addressed by their first names by younger people. And I was raised that way. I call my inlaws by they’re first names because I do not want to call them mom & dad and they basically said right after we got married to call them by their first names. I have an old grade school friend who has taken to call my parents by their first names and drives them crazy.

Now that being said. Ann while I realize this is a source of irratation to you. I do not think you DIL meant to be disrespectful. She was probably raised in a more relaxed family most likely didn’t even think about it. I get the feeling you do not altogether approve of you DIL and this is just one issue among many.

I would really choose issues that are that a very important in the scheme of things to address. I don’t think this is one of those issues. Whether you like this young woman or not this is the choice your son made and for your son’s sake and his marriage do not cause undo stress and tension by being sensitive.

It’s time to step back and let him “cleave to his wife”. Being newlyweds can be stressful enough without even added extended family issues. Let it go and choose to love your daughter in law even if you don’t like her. It would be the best thing you can do for your son’s future happiness.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top