Addressing In law letters

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Princess_Abby:
I remember Ann Cheryl starting a thread on her preference for DIL to call she and her husband Mom & Dad. I think the OP did make the offer, but DIL feels more comfortable with first names–if I remember correctly.
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You have an excellent memory. The poll helped me to accept that she was not comfortable calling me mom and I am alright with that. This is not about my DIL it is about my son calling me by my first name.

Something that I have noticed, is that many of you are the same age or close to the age of my DIl. I wonder what you will say when you are in my boots?

I also have noticed especially in that poll that there was much dislike of the MIL. and that was more often expressed by those who said they would not call them mom or dad.

That they are not children I am fully aware of but I am and always will be his mother. When she needed someone to take care of cleaning out her apartment and taking care of her car, we didn’t hesitate to help her. Even though her car was a surprise. She didn’t tell us that we needed to take it home until she was on the way to the airport. We live fours hours away from the airport and her apartment. She was not my DIL at the time.

Maybe some you think it shouldn’t be a big deal but it makes me wonder if you want to miminize it because it hits to close to home and you may have some unresolved issues.

I decided to post here because I was seeking help. Some of you have helped but some of you have made me:crying:
 
Do you think maybe there is an underlying issue or source of conflict between you and your DIL (or son) that causes this sort of thing (the way the note was addressed) to hurt more than it would normally or otherwise? Sometimes one thing happens, we let it go, another thing happens, maybe it doesn’t get talked about, then by the time something else happens, even on a smaller scale–we have our defenses up and we’re very sensitive because we feel mistreated in a number of ways that haven’t been resolved. So we end up thinking the latest slight is the big issue when really it was something else entirely that had us feeling so hurt or mistreated.
 
I have a great relationship with my MIL and I still do not wish to call her mom.

My best friend gets along wonderfully with her inlaws and she still calls them by their first names.

Some people may not want to call their inlaws mom & dad because they do not get along with and/or dislike them. But there are other’s who simply feel the title mom and dad only applies to their own parents.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Do you think maybe there is an underlying issue or source of conflict between you and your DIL (or son) that causes this sort of thing (the way the note was addressed) to hurt more than it would normally or otherwise? Sometimes one thing happens, we let it go, another thing happens, maybe it doesn’t get talked about, then by the time something else happens, even on a smaller scale–we have our defenses up and we’re very sensitive because we feel mistreated in a number of ways that haven’t been resolved. So we end up thinking the latest slight is the big issue when really it was something else entirely that had us feeling so hurt or mistreated.
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The underlying issue is with my son and oh yeah its a big one. So you are right. I had no problem when I thought only my dil signed it. It is when I realized that my son signed it. The issue is with HIM not her. I gained a lot of insight in the poll it gave me other perspectives but I am sorry I started this one. I think I am not the only one that has underllying issues. I had hoped to see different perspectives. What I have seen has really reenforced the fears that I have.
It’s time to step back and let him “cleave to his wife”.
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I don’t think this has anything to do with what I was asking but has more to do with Honor thy Father and Mother.
 
I was never told what to call the inlaws and 14 years of marriage later, I still don’t know what to call them! Having children made it easy. I just call them nana and grandad when addressing them. Mum and Dad is just too weird.

You are probably right that there are a lot of people with unresolved issues here but as far as your issue, I think you could just mention casually to your son, not your DIL, that you felt odd about him signing a note to you by first name even though it wasn’t written by him. A wedding thank you I would have written addressed to mum and dad since it was from their son as well.

In the scheme of things, this is not a big deal so probably letting it go is wise. Are you going to raise every little thing? If so, you’re setting yourself up for minimal contact with your son’s family and your eventual grandchildren. Can you let it go when it’s a note your DIL has written herself? Tread carefully.
 
Ann Cheryl:
I don’t think this has anything to do with what I was asking but has more to do with Honor thy Father and Mother.
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If that is the case then the person you need to address about this issue you have already talked to, namely your son. You said you are upset that your son signed the card that addressed you by your first names. I don’t understand why you would need to discuss it with you DIL since it seems the real issue is feeling disrespected by your son. If your son thought it was inappropriate then it was his job to say something to his wife.

I’m sorry you feel like you haven’t recieved other perspectives. Is it possible your so emotional caught up in the issues your having that you may not be able to see this issue objectively?

Sure they may be some daughteer-in-laws here that have had MIL squabbles over seemingly small issues and so they come from that perspective. But isn’t it a good thing to understand how your DIL might view your response?

I realize you didn’t get very many supportive responses. I think many people honestly don’t feel this issue is worth making hay over.

I think they are broader issues that we are unaware of. We can only make a response by the information you gave us on the signing of a thank-you card. And with that alone it seems there is some over sensitivity on your part. We don’t have the whole picture like you do so your sensitvity doesn’t seem reasonable.
 
Ann, I’m just letting you know from personal experince, namely my brother and his wife, that, if not careful, you can destroy a relationship. As I’ve stated, my brother and his wife chose not to speak with any of the family for 6 months, this was babyish on their part but the fact is, their was nothing we could do, they did not care to listen and the hurt came when my folks could not see their grandchildren, my mom cried every night, since then, things have slowly gotten better and my mom is so careful not to voice many things that may pop into her head out loud to my sister in law.
My folks during that time (when my brother was not speaking) tried to reason with my brother but he was totally for his wife and made it clear, this is my wife and she has to come first.

If this is so bothersome to you, talk to your son in private but tell him it is him and his actions your bothered by, make sure he knows it in no way is dil fault, as I guarantee, if you make her any part of it, he will go and tell her and she will resent you.
To say, son, don’t tell wife about this, that is not good, your then asking him to keep secrets from his wife.

It is a tough situation, my husband is from a family of 11, not everyone is going to always get along with everyone else or think they have chosen the greatest spouse, but, just respect that he is married now and maybe deep down, you wish he chose someone else, but, he didn’t, so pray for him, his wife for all of you.

Yes, he is your son, but is he calling you your names when he talks to you on the phone and in person?
If it was just in a card, I really would not bother to mention it, if he starts calling you by first names in person and on the phone, then I would ask him what gives with that.
 
Ann Cheryl:
The underlying issue is with my son and oh yeah its a big one. So you are right. I had no problem when I thought only my dil signed it. It is when I realized that my son signed it. The issue is with HIM not her. I gained a lot of insight in the poll it gave me other perspectives but I am sorry I started this one. I think I am not the only one that has underllying issues. I had hoped to see different perspectives. What I have seen has really reenforced the fears that I have.
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If you have an issue with your son, but not with the DIL, then why do you think the DIL needs to be involved? If it is not an issue with the DIL and what she is calling you, then I would address the issue with your son.
My MIL has huge issues with my husband, he joined the military without her permission (at the age of 22), married me without her permission (at age 24), and now is having a baby without her permission (at age 27 and actually against her directly saying, do not have children). Yet, rather than deal with her emotions and underlying issues with her son, she takes it out on me. It isn’t that he is disrespectful to her, in fact, he is quite respectful to her. She thinks she should be consulted on every event in our lives and that she has a say. Tim loves his parents, and respects them very much, but believes his duty is to me and our family. He feels his first responsibility is to stand by me, and our marriage. He’s tried to explain it, and we know that his father understands, but his mom won’t hear anything of it. I wish that they could solve their issues, and that we could be one big happy family, especially in light of our first child, but until my MIL is ready to address her issues with her own son, and not take it out on me, I fear it will not happen.

Pray for your son, your DIL and for yourself. Pray unceasingly, and talk to your son, otherwise you will drive a wedge between yourself and him.

Love,
Jamie
 
So, if I am understanding you correctly, your DIL wrote the note and your son signed it at the end, right?

I don’t see how that is a big deal. Now if you son wrote it and then signed it, you might have a point, but…

When I write notes (usually emails in this age!), I address them to my IL’s by their first names. When my DH writes, he uses Mom and Dad.
It sounds like you come from a far more formal background than the DIL does.
I do have to agree with the others who said if your issue is with your son, then discuss this with your son, and keep DIL out of it.
 
Ann Cheryl:
Gosh your response was harsh. Who cares? Obviously I do. This note was to thank us for the wedding gift. I mentioned it to my son and he thought it was inappropriate. I am going to talk to my DIL and I wanted to get some outside view point. Why is it an issue. It has to do with respect. I don’t beleive that a child should address parents in this fashion. The thank you note was sent out three months after the wedding not what I would consider “promplty” and there is more involved that I don’t want to get into. I wonder why you react so negatively to me have I hit a nerve?:confused:
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No you haven’t hit a nerve. I think you are being petty. And, I feel sorry for your daughter in law if the salutation on a thank you card is enough to set you off and to get your son involved in it.

I’m just appalled that you would be offended by something like that and that you are even thinking of bringing it up to your daughter in law. I’m even more appalled that your son actually agrees with you over something so petty.

Maybe the solution is that your son should write a separate thank you note.

If you have some other issue with you son then address it with your son. Don’t hide behind some silly thank you note issue. And, don’t drag your daughter in law into it.

I am so glad that I have a great mother in law and a wonderful husband who don’t get upset over the way a thank you note was signed. There are so much bigger thing in the world to worry about.
 
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kamz:
Unless the son starts calling his parents by their first names when he himself talks to them or see’s them, really, I would leave it alone, give the new dil some time to get used to this new family and remember the son now has his new family and that must come first, when kids come along you don’t want to not see them, and getting off on the wrong foot with a dil or sil can go a long way to a life time of problems. Pray, Pray, Pray but tread carefully.
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Ann Cheryl, I think kamz is right on here. My mother has alienated both of her DIL by bringing up issues like this one. Both of my brothers have been married over 10 years, and are estranged from my mother now. It is so sad. I remember her being EXTREMELY put out that my (at that time) future SIL did not send her an invitation to her shower. She had invited mother via telephone, but no invitation was sent. My mother did not attend, nor did my grandmother as it just “wasn’t proper” on my SIL’s part to not send an invitation. My SIL was so hurt. SIL did not mean to be “disrespectful” (as my mother called it). She just comes from a very different type of family—broken home, single mom, no money, etc.

In short, I do not mean to hurt your feelings. I’m sure that it was a blow to you to have your son sign a thank-you note that was not addressed “Mom and Dad”. I can only imagine how that would hurt. However, I do believe making any more of it may jeopardize any future relationship with him, your DIL, and possible grandchildren that may come along. Just offer up this pain for your son and DIL, that your relationships may grow in love.
 
Most men I know are not into thank you notes, and consider it a woman’s job. We fill out the cards, threateningly hold it under their nose to sign, and without looking or reading it, they scribble their name.

He may not have even looked at the card.

It was a few years after we were married that I started referring to my in laws, by mom and dad. To me that name is a priveledge, and they were not welcoming to me in the beginning, so why should I call them mom and dad? It wasn’t until they began to act like they LOVED me that I began to feel towards them as a daughter would. Before I was too busy having to protect myself from their constant criticisms and loaded statements. Even now years, and much healing later, if I need to confront my MIL about something she becomes “Peggy” again.
 
And to those who flamed me b/c I was being honest… some of you appear to be aware of some other issue that she has with her son. I was not. Based on the context of this post she does not sound like an injured party, she sounds like a crazy person.
 
Ann Cheryl:
I have just received a thank you letter from my new DIL. It was from her and my son and was addressed to my husband and me by our first name.

She is not comfortable with using mom and dad with us but I am not combortable with a letter addressed to us by first name and signed by my son.

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut that will give me a perspective. Those of you who use your in-laws first name how do you handle written correspondance?

Thanks for your help
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I chuckled reading your post.
I never was comfortable calling my MIL Mom. So the 1st year when writing out the cards ( I do it, not DH) I wrote Mrs. D… We received 2 cards back one to DH signed Mom and 1 to me signed Mrs. D… The next year I made DH write that card. The following year since we had DS and then on, I wrote Dear Granny and signed all our names.
 
When I got engaged to my husband, my MIL said I could call her mom or by her first name. I was really glad she brought this up and gave me this choice. Her family is formal in addressing people, where her cousins are addressed as aunt/uncle because they’re older and parent’s friends are Mr./Mrs. This was not the case in my house growing up, and I didn’t feel comfortable calling her “mom”.

As far as thank you’s, after the wedding we agreed I would write them for my family and DH would write them for his. Mine were done in 2 weeks, and months went by and he didn’t do his. I offered to do them and I did the best I could. Nowadays, if I feel it’s important to send a thank you to his mom, I need to provide the note, complete w/ envelope, stamp, pen, and writing surface or it will not get done. If I end up writing it, I address it “Dear Mom”, but have him sign it first (again, providing pen and writing surface) and I write my name underneath. Your DIL may figure things out for her own as she has to write more of these for b.day gifts, baby gifts, etc. I’m sure it’s hard, but I wouldn’t take it too personally that your son just signed his name without considering the address. I know it must hurt, (but my kids are still little so I don’t know first hand) but I think he was just glad to not be doing that job and was just signing away. At least that’s how it is around here, whether it’s a note for mom, in-laws, friends, other relatives, etc. Best wishes to you.
 
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Ana:
Most men I know are not into thank you notes, and consider it a woman’s job. We fill out the cards, threateningly hold it under their nose to sign, and without looking or reading it, they scribble their name.
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As a newlywed husband, I’m getting some negative feelings toward guys and thank you notes…

My wife and I split up our thank you notes by who they were most affiliated with. My thank you notes took a lot longer to finish. I don’t think men think that it is a woman’s job. We just aren’t into it. I would rather just go up to someone and thank them and not write an impersonal thank you note, that as we have seen, can be misread or read into and cause so much issue. I also refused to send thank you notes to people who just sent us a card. It just seemed crazy silly to me. But maybe I’m just being a guy. 😉

As far as three months to getting thank you notes out, I would have to ask how long their honeymoon was. Our honeymoon was three months, so our thank you notes went out between two and fourth months (It took my wife a month to finish all of hers and it took me a month and a half). We also had three bounced checks because people closed their accounts before our honeymoon was over. (Actually, quite a possibility when getting married out of college and all your friends are getting jobs and moving.)

But for the OP, here is my perspective (from my situation). I’m uncomfortable calling my in-laws mom and dad. They probably want me to call them that, but I think they understand that it just isn’t comfortable to me. However, if I called them Mr. & Mrs. _______, they would be greatly offended. My wife actually initiated calling my parents by Mom and Dad, which I think took them by surprise, but I don’t think they have any issue with it. They would be just as happy with their first names, but I also think would be concerned if she called them Mr. & Mrs. ________. Although I understand that other family cultures would prefer these formal titles. Our families consider it almost rude though, as if you are saying you don’t want to build a relationship with them. We all call my stepmom by her first name.

From my perspective, there are no hard feelings anywhere on our table. Both families are incredibly loving and both love who we have chosen as our spouse. So even with such a clean slate, there can be an uneasiness. It simply stems from unfamiliarity, which I believe will solve itself over time. Of course, if you read through my post again, you’ll probably see that all the uneasiness comes from me, so I must be the one most reluctant to change!
 
**Let it go. You have years to take an issue over things. Don’t start with this.🙂 **

ETA: I don’t use any name to my il’s. Guess it’s not formal correct, but I just start with the thank you and sign it. Most of the time my dh doesn’t sign at all and they’d never get more than the verbal thanks if they waited for him to do it. I call my il’s by their first names, or 'mam/sir and have for 15 years. I don’t think it has anything to do with like or dislike for the il’s - it’s just what we’re comfortable with.
Ann Cheryl:
I have just received a thank you letter from my new DIL. It was from her and my son and was addressed to my husband and me by our first name.

She is not comfortable with using mom and dad with us but I am not combortable with a letter addressed to us by first name and signed by my son.

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut that will give me a perspective. Those of you who use your in-laws first name how do you handle written correspondance?

Thanks for your help
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Ann Cheryl:
Gosh your response was harsh. Who cares? Obviously I do. This note was to thank us for the wedding gift. I mentioned it to my son and he thought it was inappropriate. I am going to talk to my DIL and I wanted to get some outside view point. Why is it an issue. It has to do with respect. I don’t beleive that a child should address parents in this fashion. The thank you note was sent out three months after the wedding not what I would consider “promplty” and there is more involved that I don’t want to get into. I wonder why you react so negatively to me have I hit a nerve?:confused:
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One way that this has been handled in our family is to use “mom Kathy” Or “mom Gibbs”. and “dad John” or “dad Gibbs”. The best part is it turned into mom and dad with our in-laws rather quickly. Then joy of joy it turned into “nana” and “pap pap.”

For some people it is real hard to figure out what to call in-laws. Go with the flow for a while and then at the right time talk to you daughter in law quieltly and see what she and you can come up with.
 
My daughter is getting married soon and I will be having a son-in-law. I told him to feel free to call me ‘Mom’ or he could also use my first name, whichever was more comfortable.

I know he doesn’t want to call me “Mom” because he already has one. And she is wonderful. And he feels very uncomfortable using my first name.

I told him he could call me something else if he could think of it…he said “how about Boss”!!! Works for me!!
 
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Ana:
Most men I know are not into thank you notes, and consider it a woman’s job. We fill out the cards, threateningly hold it under their nose to sign, and without looking or reading it, they scribble their name.

He may not have even looked at the card.
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That’s us! My husband doesn’t even sign the cards, I sign both our names–he gets the cards though and picks out great ones.
 
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