Addressing In law letters

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Ana:
Most men I know are not into thank you notes, and consider it a woman’s job. We fill out the cards, threateningly hold it under their nose to sign, and without looking or reading it, they scribble their name.

He may not have even looked at the card.

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How true!!
What has become the running joke in our family is whenever we go to a family birthday party or gathering where cards and/or presents are exchanged, my DH always says (loudly), “What did we get them, honey?”

Often, he will ask to see the card that I’ve purchased, written, and signed AFTER whomever has received it has opened it up. I can leave it lying around, ask him to sign it, etc, but he is always too “busy” or will do it “later”, which of course does not happen. So, I’ve learned to just pick out the card, sign it, send or give it, and have him see it afterwards.
 
  1. DIL wrote a thank you card.
  2. DIL addressed said thank you card.
  3. Thank you card was from both your son and your DIL for a wedding gift you gave them.
  4. Your complaint is that your son signed a card that was addressed to you by name.
  5. You spoke with your son and told him this was inappropriate.
  6. In this day and age, you are lucky that you actually got a thank you card. It seems that there is a lot of hostility between you and DIL, which means it was even better that you received said card from* her*.
  7. It is obvious that she would address it the way she addresses you, by name.
  8. Obviously, they would send a joint thank-you and both sign it. Separate cards to avoid this issue is a bit silly.
  9. Your complaint in my mind is more likely to get you not receiving correspondences in the long run than getting them signed the way you want.
  10. My impression is that you told your son that his wife’s actions were unacceptable. You should not be pulling your son off to the side to tell him what you don’t like about his wife. If my impression is wrong and you merely mentioned to him your concern, and your son then responded that what his wife did was wrong, then your son was out of line to say so to you without discussing this issue with his wife first.
Overall, I say your concerns about your DIL’s actions are pretty small potatoes to what kinds of problems you could be having. You allude to larger problems (disrespecting you) which you (I assume again) see this as a small manifestation of. However, your history of blowing such minor things out of proportion would lead the majority of us to sympathize with your daughter-in-law.

For what it is worth, in order to avoid this very problem, I usually end up writing notes to my in-laws (as my husband does not have the inclination to do so), then shoving a pen in his hand to sign the note and address the envelope. If it were going through the mail, I would address it with their given names. The inside is usually unaddressed. Each time we go through this procedure of using kid gloves on his parents, we each are strengthened in our love and commitment to each other, while also feeling anger or resentment towards his parents that they would care about things like that. My parents are thrilled to get a letter. His pick apart every word trying to find something to complain about. Not surprisingly, my parents receive regular correspondence. His do not.
 
Ann Cheryl:
I have just received a thank you letter from my new DIL. It was from her and my son and was addressed to my husband and me by our first name.

She is not comfortable with using mom and dad with us but I am not combortable with a letter addressed to us by first name and signed by my son.

I would like some (name removed by moderator)ut that will give me a perspective. Those of you who use your in-laws first name how do you handle written correspondance?

Thanks for your help
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I have read all of this thread but have been in your DIL’s shoes. She is learning her way in the family, so please have patience with her. She is really trying. It is very rare to get a thank-you letter in this day and age.

When I was in her shoes, I addressed the envelope with first names and the card with “Dear Family”. I called my parents-in-law by their first names. My MIL is no longer living. Now with my FIL, I say in the letter or card, “Dear Dad” and sometimes call him Dad but mostly by his first name. I don’t think he cares one way or the other. When my son was little my FIL wanted him to call him by his first name and not by “Grandpa”. :rolleyes:
 
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newf:
My daughter is getting married soon and I will be having a son-in-law. I told him to feel free to call me ‘Mom’ or he could also use my first name, whichever was more comfortable.

I know he doesn’t want to call me “Mom” because he already has one. And she is wonderful. And he feels very uncomfortable using my first name.

I told him he could call me something else if he could think of it…he said “how about Boss”!!! Works for me!!
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That’s cute 😛
 
I have read this thread in its entirety and while I agree with the OP, and I certainly feel for her… I’ve been in the DIL’s shoes. My DH and I have been married going on 8 years… was together for 2yrs before marriage. Got engaged, married 41 days later, and two weeks later (no honeymoon) I went to my Officer Basic Course. I trained for five and a half months before packing up our household goods and moved to Germany. What was DH doing in this time? NUTHIN… he came to OBC with me, hung out doing PT (physical training) for his OBC course. Did he write the thank you cards for our wedding gifts? Nope… 8 years later, a few deaths in the original listings… and no cards. I never got around to them because I honestly didn’t have a good chance to get around to them. I was told I had one year from the wedding day to get them done. I feel bad about it and I did call as many people as I could and most understood, but now, 8 years later, who does my MIL blast for not doing the cards? Me.

Anyway… I send cards with Mom ____ on the envelope. Then no salutations except “Hey there,…” on the note. The last stuff I sent to her… (it was some signed shares, a note from me, a hand written note from her 5 yo granddaughter who has JUST learned how to read and is learning how to write words, a scribbling from the 3 yo)… I get a phone call from her going “I got the shares” and then a whine of “Ooooh… I miss my soooonnnnn… oh how a mother would have loved to have just a scribbled note from him…oooohhhh” I’m the one that has to make him call her because I get blasted when he doesn’t. (He’s in the military so his hours aren’t exactly normal and when he’s home, he just doesn’t think of her that much).

So from the DIL’s eyes… please pick the battle with her. If she’s like me, she’s trying. Don’t make her feel like anything she does isn’t good enough. Give her the benefit of the doubt and never make your son choose between you or her or even do anything that might give either one of them that impression.

Good luck and God Bless!!! 👍
 
I would also suggest that you be careful in how you address things with your son and his new wife. I know this is something that bothers you, but coming from a daughter-in-law, the first year or so of our marriage felt like a total battle of “who loves him more?” It’s putting him in a tough situation to have you calling him, and then saying that something his wife did is inappropriate. She would be very hurt if she knew that he said something she did probably in sheer innocence was inappropriate. I’m sure you know how tough the first year or so (or ten!) of marriage is, and they need all the support they can get as they conquer the battles of marriage, not having more battles coming up because of something, that although may not seem petty to you, really is in the grand scheme of things. Let him forge a new family with his wife, and do his best to love both of you!

God bless you!!
 
I also just read through the rest of the posts, where you said that your problem is simply with your son referring to you as Mom and Dad not your first names. I can see how strange it would be for you to see his name on a card that was addressed you your first names. I would suggest discreetly asking him to make sure that all cards to you are written as Mom and Dad, and that he ask his bride to do this. It doesn’t need to be a fight at all. I have never called my MIL by Mom, even though she is probably one of my best friends. It’s SO much easier now that we have kids… she’s simply Grandma!
 
My mom and I were discussing this recently. I call my inlaws mom and dad (unless) I am angry with them. Then it’s back to Peggy and Geoff (I know probably immature).

Anyways, we noticed that my husband doesn’t call my mother ANYTHING!! He calls my dad “Dad”, but my mother he simply avoids calling her anything. If the kids are in the room, he will ask one of them to get mom mom, or he will simply go to where she is and speak with her. My husband ADORES my mother. We figured out he might still be a little scared of her. (it’s been eight years.) :rolleyes:
 
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Ana:
Anyways, we noticed that my husband doesn’t call my mother ANYTHING!! He calls my dad “Dad”, but my mother he simply avoids calling her anything. If the kids are in the room, he will ask one of them to get mom mom, or he will simply go to where she is and speak with her. My husband ADORES my mother.
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I’m glad you posted this. After 23 years, my mother informed me about two months ago that my husband has never referred to her as ANYTHING either! Never Mom, her first name or Mrs. ____. He’ll say to my daughter to go get her grandmother, or he’ll refer to her as my mom, but never anything else! LOL. She said she wasn’t offended and she does love my husband.

But back to the OP, I have called my mil by her first name for 23 years. All cards get addressed to Mom ____ and my mother is the other Mom ____. So much more is going to come up that’s bothersome and this isn’t something I’d be concerned with.

Penitent
 
Ann Cheryl:
Something that I have noticed, is that many of you are the same age or close to the age of my DIl. I wonder what you will say when you are in my boots?

I also have noticed especially in that poll that there was much dislike of the MIL. and that was more often expressed by those who said they would not call them mom or dad.

Maybe some you think it shouldn’t be a big deal but it makes me wonder if you want to miminize it because it hits to close to home and you may have some unresolved issues.
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I am probably close to the same age as your DIL (well, CLOSE, as in a couple of decades! ha!) I’m 31 and have been married for 9 years. A good point you make by speculating what we might say when we are “in your boots”. It is a hard scenario to even imagine. I can’t imagine what it will be like to have my son grown and married. So, all we can say is how we feel NOW, and how we felt as newlyweds.

My thought when I read your post was just to be thankful for my mother-in-law, who has never, and never would make an issue out of something that small. I’m sure she doesn’t care what I call her, as long as I call her! I have always made an effort to keep her involved in our lives, even before children, but most especially now that we have her grandchildren. I actually had to think about it, but I guess I call them by their first names, if I am forced to actually say something, or if I’m talking to someone else about them. Or I refer to them as “your mom and dad” if talking to my husband. These days they are mainly “Ga-Ga and Pop-Pop”!

I agree with many of the other posters. Let it go! Just love her and accept her and try to make her a part of your family. She will most likely respond in a positive way, and in the end, this is what you want! A good relationship with her will foster a good relationship with your son, and one day with your grandchildren.

God Bless!
 
Only one other poster (male) mentioned that he wrote his own thank you notes to his family. I have made that a rule in my house. My dh writes the cards to his family and friends, not me. If it’s something important, I’ll buy the card and put it in front of him, but he’ll write it. For our wedding thank yous, I gave him a list of who to write to, and made it a joint evening (or 2 or 3) of writing them. His family doesn’t get a lot of birthday cards, and the cards they get are not nearly as poetic as the ones my family gets. But if they’re offended, they know who to blame. Harsh, maybe, but a way to keep the sanity for me. I try very hard not to offend people and obsess over it if I think I’ve offended. Hopefully, the DIL here is not so sensitive.

To the OP, I would take issue only with your son, who shouldn’t refer to you by your first name. I don’t think it’s fair to critique your DIL for starting the letter with your first name (even though she knew he’s sign it). I’d be more likely to complain to him that he can’t write his own thank you card to his own mother. BUT, I wouldn’t make an issue of this to him (and definitely not to your DIL), because it is an isolated incident. If you commonly get things addressed and signed to you this way and you really can’t just let this issue be over the years, you might eventually say to your son (in a casual way): “Hey what’s the deal with you calling me by my first name, eh?” or “Why are you making your poor wife write all the notes to me? You realize you’re signing it, as though you called me (name)?” But I’d be really careful about doing that (especially anytime soon) because it comes close to a criticism of your DIL, which you should save for something really important.

I sympathize with your emotional reaction to this - it’s probably a double whammy, feeling a loss because your son is now a married man and even less your little boy than before (I don’t look forward to that day myself), and at the same time, feeling like he is losing respect for you and calling you your first name. I would be shocked though, if what you perceived as disrespectful was at all intentional on the part of the newlyweds.

God Bless,
TKC
 
“She is not comfortable with using mom and dad with us but I am not combortable with a letter addressed to us by first name and signed by my son.”

Red flag alert! I am not a psychiatrist but can see clearly that there is a** lot** going on here. You are having a problem with the salutation to A THANK YOU NOTE FROM THE WEDDING!!! Does that not strike a chord with anyone?! I’m sorry, but that is material for a stand up routine. It truly is. It reflects the overbearing nature of the proverbial MIL, in my opinion.

Allow me to write from a dil’s position. You’d be hard pressed to get another letter from me, that was written with heartfelt compassion, if you nit-picked me about how I addressed you in a letter that your son signed. I would write to you with a sour heart for a LONG time because I extended my gratitude to you and you criticized me. You did not see the good, only the bad. Can’t you go against your impulse and respond, “I received your lovely note. I am delighted that you liked the gift.” You’d be planting seeds for a beautiful relationship with her.

Blessings to your son and dil on their marriage. How WONDERFUL!
 
Ann Cheryl:
I mentioned it to my son and he thought it was inappropriate.
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Red Flag!

If I’m understanding correctly here…DIL wrote the “thank you” letter…probably put it infront of YOUR son who signed it…

He’s says yes, he thought it was inappropriate, however, he signed it anyway.

My advice. Don’t worry about it! He signed the letter to make his wife happy and told you exactly what you wanted to hear in saying the it was “inappropriate”. Is my husband your son? No, I’m kidding!

:nope: Don’t get off on the wrong foot with DIL! Even though she’s been around for years, her relationship has changed with you and your son…Peace!
 
I want to thank those who actually answered the thread.

To the others I guess you missed that I was trying to see what others who felt as my dil did so that I could understand her viewpoint. Since in my very large family, and friends she will be the only one to call her mil by first name I have no experience, no one to ask and it wasn’t about what she called me but how correspondance should be handled.

I expected help not being called
Based on the context of this post she does not sound like an injured party, she sounds like a crazy person.
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I didn’t know anyone was injured. She didn’t injure me. She didn’t even offend me. My son did. If some of you would have just left it by pointing out he didn’t even read it, then I would have been helped with kindness.
Allow me to write from a dil’s position. You’d be hard pressed to get another letter from me, that was written with heartfelt compassion, if you nit-picked me about how I addressed you in a letter that your son signed. I would write to you with a sour heart for a LONG time because I extended my gratitude to you and you criticized me. You did not see the good, only the bad. Can’t you go against your impulse and respond, “I received your lovely note. I am delighted that you liked the gift.” You’d be planting seeds for a beautiful relationship with her.
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Blessings to your son and dil on their marriage. How WONDERFUL!
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Thankfully my dil is more compasionate than you are. This is not about her. You guys made it that way. Unfortunatly, my son was there when I opened up the letter and asked why I frowned “Wasn’t it a good letter mom why the frown” The letter was perfect I told him its just that it is signed by you and addressed by our first name." “That shouldn’t of happened mom” Meanining he was sorry but it had nothing to do with his wife and WE both know that. After giving it more thought, this probably will be the only letter, she will write that he would sign. I was too emotionally involved to think it through.
Thanks again to all the kind thoughtful responses. You have helped.
 
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That shouldn’t of happened mom"
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His response was probably more like egg on his face for not reading something he signed! :whacky:

In 23 years of marriage there sure have been plenty of times when I shoved something under my husbands face and told him, “This is to your mom, you know, it really should have your name on it too.”

I would be willing to bet it was just one of those things, with no malice, or hidden agenda behind it.

Arlene
 
Ann Cheryl:
After giving it more thought, this probably will be the only letter, she will write that he would sign. I was too emotionally involved to think it through.
Thanks again to all the kind thoughtful responses. You have helped.
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Certainly this will not be the last thank you note you will deserve from them. Christmas presents? Maybe birthdays or their anniversay?

At least you realize your DIL did nothing wrong. I hope your son did not mention it to her because (as seen in this thread) it can easily be perceived as unwarranted criticism.

Maybe in the future he will write a separate note in the card?
 
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